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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so sad and so let down, DP has made me feel like cr*p.......

81 replies

sadmner · 04/02/2007 18:09

I'm a regular mner but didnt want to show my name because I feel so sad and am normally so chipper.

Me and DP have been through a bizarre time just lately- not rough- just erm.......quiet on the love front. He's been working hard and late and we just haven't had a lot of time for each other. we havent fallen out- just had a bit of a quiet month! If anything it's made us feel a bit distant and we haven't had sex for a few weeks which is unusual but also havent really sat and cuddled or had a laugh together. It hasnt really bothered me cos we've both been busy and have just put it down to that really. The best word I can use to describe it is distant. and perhaps lonely.

The thing is I sneaked upstairs early this morning while DD was downstairs having breakfast. I wanted to burst into spare room and make him jump and when I opened the door he was looking at porn on the computer.{sad] I was so shocked I just said 'what?' and walked away to which he started lying and saying it was the top gear website. He obviously DID NOT want me to see what he was up to. It was a website with lots of disgusting pictures of women, really horrible and hardcore. I'm not a prude but the whole thing made me feel ill.

I've cried all day over this and half feel I'm over reacting but I'm just so upset. I almost feel like he's cheated on me. He's showed no interest in me for weeks but secretly he's looking at pics of women with their legs wide open?! eh?!

I don't feel at my best recently which he knows. I've had braces put in privately which I have wanted done for ages but hardly makes me feel sophisticated and had a disaster short hair do. I haven't whinged though but deep down do feel pants just lately plus we've been ttc but it hasn't happened which has knocked me for 6. He just seems oblivious though and then I find out all along he's getting kicks elsewhere.

OH GOD!! I sound like a right moaning prudish old bag but I really do feel like I can't trust him and he's betrayed me. Please somebody give me some advice?????!!!!!! xx

OP posts:
Sheraz · 04/02/2007 18:17

It isn't nice knowing that DH has been looking at porn on the sly, but it is better than him goping out shagging elsewherre. MAybe he heas picked up that you haven't been feeling ttoo good about yourself and hasn't wanted to put pressure on you with demands for sex. Maybe that is why he is looking at the porn. When I was pg I came downdtairs one night to find dh watching a porn movie and was really upset, but when he explained to me why he was doing it I didn't feel so bad. Sounds like you need some time together, I am sure it will all be fine.

Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 18:20

That may be it but at the same time I just don't understand how he can think looking at porn is ok? It's not ok when your DD is in the house and it's not like he was being discreet!

AAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!! I'm so angry!!! I raelly do feel soooooo betrayed.

OP posts:
Sheraz · 04/02/2007 18:23

I would say teh majority of men look at porn. I work with a load of guys and they ALL have porn on their mobile phones ( very childish). I agree he should be more discreet. But he is not betraying you as such,unfortunately the internet has brought porn into the lives of people who would never have previously gone out looking for it. The temptation is too easy.. have a good chat about it when you have calmed down a little.

TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 04/02/2007 18:26

You don't sound like a "moaning prudish old bag", you sound sad and upset.
I think you and your DH have different opinions about the impact of him looking at porn though.
You see it as a betrayal of you and your relationship.
I'm not sure he would see it in the same way.
You need to discuss this with him, and certainly let him know how upset you were that it could have been your DD that burst into the room instead of you - I would be very concerned about that aspect myself.

Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 18:33

I am concerned about that, definitely. I hate the fact that he's so self assured and thinks porn is no problem yet he knows I'm feeling down just lately but does feck all to help me feel better, thinks that indiscrettly looking at birds with their fanjo's out is ok. 'AY?! have you been here for the past month?'!

He does know how i feel and has even said himself that I need making a fuss of but then proceeds to make me feel even worse!!

OP posts:
morningpaper · 04/02/2007 18:36

You need to talk to him and explain how you feel

I don't think that men equate porn/wanking with their ACTUAL love lives

Even if your love life was FABULOUS he would probably still be looking at porn

If you were feeling great and your relationship was on top of the world, would you mind him using porn?

Dior · 04/02/2007 18:37

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 18:41

I have told him how I feel and I think he knows I'm unhappy as I have been crying literally ALL DAY.

When I told him how I felt he looked ashamed and said sorry.........and that was it.

hence why i feel like I'm over reacting.

OP posts:
Dior · 04/02/2007 18:44

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 18:45

I feel too sad right now.

And whenever i see his guilty sad little boy face I just want to head butt him.

OP posts:
Sheraz · 04/02/2007 18:47

Try and put it into perspective. He is not out with other women he is just looking a tsome tatrs on teh computer that if e ever met in RL he would run a mile from. It is fantasy, like you lusting over Brad Pitt or similar just men are more driven by their dicks than we are.He knows you are upset and probaly feels embarrassed a t being caught. It doesn't alter his feelings for you so try not to let it alter how you feel about him. It is like finding your son's wank mag under his bed.

Dior · 04/02/2007 18:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 18:58

I'm too angry

I'm sorry- uv given me wonderful advice but I can't even bear to look at him I'm soooo hurt. Let alone shag him.

OP posts:
Dior · 04/02/2007 19:03

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:04

I think it would be easier if i didn't feel so sh*t in myself. I'm a big believer in 'you can't love others til you love yourself'

OP posts:
Dior · 04/02/2007 19:05

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:06

Dior- a size 14 is hardly gigantic!! It's tiny!!

I know what you are saying- thats why I think it's perhaps MY problem, not his.

Doesn't stop me feeling hurt though. Feel very sad.

OP posts:
Dior · 04/02/2007 19:08

Message withdrawn

DumbledoresGirl · 04/02/2007 19:08

I think you are wrong to feel betrayed because you foudn him looking at porn. According to my dh, pretty well all men look at some sort of porn at some time and he also informs me that men can bearly go 10 seconds in the day without thinking about sex. Or maybe that is just my dh?

Anyway, I don't see porn as a betrayal. I think Sheraz is right - he is maybe looking at the porn because, for whatever reason and I am not saying it is your fault, your sex life has been less active lately.

All relationships go through these ups and downs and if he looked ashamed when confronted with the fact that he was looking at porn, I would say this boded well for your future together.

Greensleeves · 04/02/2007 19:09

Oh bugger . I would have reacted exactly as you have. Angry, gutted, hurt. It's difficult to see a way forward when you are so devastated, isn't it?

Give yourself time to calm down and get over the initial impact, then give him the opportunity to apologise/listen to why is makes you feel so rotten. Then I suggest some proper frank discussion about your relationship, how you both feel about the way things are and how the future looks.

Probably not much use, but I really really sympathise, I would be beside myself if I found out dh had been looking at revolting degrading porn behind my back. And yes, I know we're all supposed to be cool with it and accept that "it's normal" and "all men do it" - but they don't, and it's bloody well not acceptable or normal IMO.

Dior · 04/02/2007 19:10

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:11

Well if ur fat so am I cos we are the same height and size. My day is getting worse

I see what you are all saying.

I will try my hardest to sort it out. Although I need to calm down first cos I'm a raging bull right now.

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 04/02/2007 19:11

Am I the only woman here who is married to a man who must wank at least once a day? Men need that level of sexual activity and I for one as a woman am not prepared to give that him that much. what is so wrong with the guy goig into a quiet corner and using some pictures to stimulate himself? I bet he feels like a teenager that you walked in on him.

Dior · 04/02/2007 19:12

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liquidclocks · 04/02/2007 19:12

I'm sorry but I don't go along with the advice that the answer is to shag him - that's the last thing I felt like doing when I caught DH at it.

Basically you decide whether it's something you can put up with - if you can, ok, if not you tell him that it's not accpetable within your relationship and go from there. I had the conversation with DH before we married and made i very clear that if he married me that I would not accept this as normal behaviour and I didn't expect to find him doing it - when I caught him at it after that it was easier to deal with in a more mature way and now he's either got exceptionally clever at hiding it or doesn't do it (either way I'm happy).

Loads of MN will tell you this is normal, all men look at porn but equally loads will tell you that their DH doesn't - it doesn't matter - what matters is what's right and acceptable for YOU. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone in feeling let down and disgusted by this. If you do a search on porn on old MN threads you'll find plenty of posts from women who feel the same as you.

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