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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I feel so sad and so let down, DP has made me feel like cr*p.......

81 replies

sadmner · 04/02/2007 18:09

I'm a regular mner but didnt want to show my name because I feel so sad and am normally so chipper.

Me and DP have been through a bizarre time just lately- not rough- just erm.......quiet on the love front. He's been working hard and late and we just haven't had a lot of time for each other. we havent fallen out- just had a bit of a quiet month! If anything it's made us feel a bit distant and we haven't had sex for a few weeks which is unusual but also havent really sat and cuddled or had a laugh together. It hasnt really bothered me cos we've both been busy and have just put it down to that really. The best word I can use to describe it is distant. and perhaps lonely.

The thing is I sneaked upstairs early this morning while DD was downstairs having breakfast. I wanted to burst into spare room and make him jump and when I opened the door he was looking at porn on the computer.{sad] I was so shocked I just said 'what?' and walked away to which he started lying and saying it was the top gear website. He obviously DID NOT want me to see what he was up to. It was a website with lots of disgusting pictures of women, really horrible and hardcore. I'm not a prude but the whole thing made me feel ill.

I've cried all day over this and half feel I'm over reacting but I'm just so upset. I almost feel like he's cheated on me. He's showed no interest in me for weeks but secretly he's looking at pics of women with their legs wide open?! eh?!

I don't feel at my best recently which he knows. I've had braces put in privately which I have wanted done for ages but hardly makes me feel sophisticated and had a disaster short hair do. I haven't whinged though but deep down do feel pants just lately plus we've been ttc but it hasn't happened which has knocked me for 6. He just seems oblivious though and then I find out all along he's getting kicks elsewhere.

OH GOD!! I sound like a right moaning prudish old bag but I really do feel like I can't trust him and he's betrayed me. Please somebody give me some advice?????!!!!!! xx

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:13

Thats ur opinion. Mine is different.

OP posts:
FioFio · 04/02/2007 19:13

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:14

liquidclocks- thank you!!!!

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 04/02/2007 19:15

No I wouldn't have sex with him either.

but I think you are unreasonable to think your partner won't satisfy his sexual urges some way. I would never tell my dh he could not look at porn. It would be like him telling me I could not abandon myself to my fantasies!

Dior · 04/02/2007 19:16

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Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:16

And fiofio- good to know I'm not abnormal. Was really starting to think i was a prude and had no right to be angry.

OP posts:
Sheraz · 04/02/2007 19:17

It migh just be a one off sad mner! Don't tell us about it go ad talk to him! Porn should not be a substitute for sex, but some people use as an addition to a normal sex life. I don't know whether it is right or wrong, it is for you and him to work it out. I know couples who have tons of porn dvd s they watch togehter I know some who have nothing to do with it.

Dior · 04/02/2007 19:18

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Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:19

Dumbledoresgirl- thank you but I think I see this differently to you and I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Can I just point out that my 3 year old daughter was in the house and it could have easily been her that walked in? That is not my main problem as you can tell but I don't think I'm being unreasonable. I just view it differently to you.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:21

I have spoken to him but it's pretty useless. typical man- sorry is not the hardest word. It just drops out of his mouth and he doesn't know why he was doing it. That doesn't help me.

OP posts:
bananaloaf · 04/02/2007 19:24

sadmner - in same situation. had lost sex drive after ds2 who is 10 months. i then went back full time and dh started own business he works weekends so we never see each other. didnt catch him with porn on the computer but found his 'mag' in his drawer and pretty explicit. spoke to him about it and got the usually men need to relase themselves etc. does make my sex drive improve any

Dior · 04/02/2007 19:26

Message withdrawn

Sheraz · 04/02/2007 19:27

Let it go, give yourself a few days. I nthe greater scheme of things it really is not that big a deal. He is your Dh he loves you, he is sorry, he is probably feeling very embarrassed right now. What more can he do apart from say sorry and mean it?
On the other hand don't blame yourself, you do sounf like you have low self esteem at the moment, try and build yourself up again. I do feel for you.

DumbledoresGirl · 04/02/2007 19:28

But is it really so unreasonable that he is satisfying his sexual needs? Is he not allowed to have any sex life at all unless it is with you? Do you not have any sexual experiences except with him? I am obviously talkig masturbation here, not advocating an open relationship!

I do understand your hurt and your fear that dd might have walked in on him, but I suspect that the real cause of your tears has been about something else.

Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:30

I didnt think you were being unsympathetic!!

I do feel down in myself right now which I know isnt helping.

I think I will have to leave it for a few days and calm down before I say any more. I dont want to say anything I will regret.

I really do feel that this is sort of up there with 'slaps in the face' at the moment

OP posts:
Dior · 04/02/2007 19:32

Message withdrawn

Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:35

I dont mind him flipping masturbating- god i do enough of that myself!! tmi

It's the gawping at other women when he knows how I'm feeling about myself that i can't quite believe. Surly he should be thinking 'awww shes feeling crap, lets do something nice' or 'let me show her how much i love her' rather than 'look at the f**king jugs on that'.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadmner · 04/02/2007 19:35

Dior- I hope you told him to f*ck off.

OP posts:
Dior · 04/02/2007 19:36

Message withdrawn

liquidclocks · 04/02/2007 19:36

You will calm down and feel better but I completely understand why you're angry right now - finding a partner doing that while your sex life is a bit off is like being kicked while you're down.

Perhaps when you've calmed down you can turn this around into a more meaningful discussion and possibly get him to put some more effort into being intimate with you and making you feel beautiful and sexy again. I know for us DH can forget that it's not just about how I feel about me but how I think he feels about me!

And maybe you could hint that 'sorry' shoudl extend into flowers and choccies and a very expensive chic card on valentines day

Dior · 04/02/2007 19:37

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liquidclocks · 04/02/2007 19:38

Dior - did your DH/DP actually say that ?! I think it's him who needs the slap if he did. grrr.

Dior · 04/02/2007 19:40

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Dior · 04/02/2007 19:41

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Greensleeves · 04/02/2007 19:42

Dior you deserve better than that.

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