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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Stuck in a rut

80 replies

notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 20:27

Bit of background - My boyfriend and I live together - have done for about 2 years. Ups and downs but mostly downs at the moment..

I adore him but I think - and not in every way, he is an amazing boyfriend in lots of ways - he's selfish and quite egotistical

So today during an argument I was explaining that it was hard for me to feel close to him, or to want to work for the relationship given his actions in the past

There's been more than a handful of occasions where he's slapped me, he once pulled me out of the car in a public street by my arm, he's choked me so I can't breath, pushed me, punched me (not really hard though).. I've come away from a fight bleeding. We had new neighbour come round on a Saturday morning concerned because he was forcing me to stand and face the wall, I wasn't allowed to move and I was shouting. We've had full fights and I'm the first to admit I've hit back so I'm as bad as him I know that

It's just he shows no remorse. None. He doesn't even seem to think he's done wrong - his answer is 'well you drove me to it'. I love him and we do have good times, he does so much for me but I can't help but feel sometimes like I'm going mental or something!!

His version of events just seems so twisted?! He calls me crazy over and over and laughs that I get wound up when I'm sure that thats not how it went.

He calls me manic depressive if I'm not 100% chatty all the time - I'm a chatty person, I bet I'm described by friends and colleagues as bubbly, gregarious. I am a fun person - at least I think I am - but if I don't give him 10000000% all the time I'm 'in a huff' or moody. It's so draining

I'm not sure why I'm posting. Maybe other stories of people who've got out of a rut like this? He's a really good guy most of the time, he's got a good job, just been promoted.. He's a high flier and I'm really proud of him and want to make it work. Thanks (sorry it's so long)

OP posts:
Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 21:17

Hopeful bump

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 18/09/2016 21:21

I think people don't really know what to say.
What is that you want from people?
I think if you can't see they are going to tell you that you are a victim of horrific domestic violence then you are in terrible denial.

I think you need to get some serious help to protect yourself and get away from this man before he kills you one day.

Do you have children?
Please don't stay Sad

He's not an amazing man he's assaulted you on many occasions

Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 21:30

Hi, thanks for replying

I realise reading it back or sounds terrible but it's just out of context. He is really fab the rest of the time, he the most generous person I've ever met.

He'd never kill me! He's said that he's never acted this way with previous girlfriends which I don't understand ...

And I forgot to mention he does show remorse in the immediate (ish) aftermath. He once put my phone in a glass of water erasing all my photos and contacts from my time abroad and held it out of reach. He cried after that one and bought me a new phone the next day

No we don't have children. I know that the way things are going now I wouldn't have children with him...

OP posts:
Phoeba · 18/09/2016 21:31

I think the physical violence you report is really troubling and sounds like there have been a string of incidents. I think it's worth chatting to someone about this - there is a 24 hour freephone helpline on matters related to domestic violence - 0808 2000 247. I also think it's worth really asking yourself why you want to make it work, because the relationship sounds demoralising and difficult. This doesn't sound like a safe, healthy relationship and I would advise speaking to a professional on the helpline who can help you navigate this hugely difficult emotional terrain.

Phoeba · 18/09/2016 21:31

I think the physical violence you report is really troubling and sounds like there have been a string of incidents. I think it's worth chatting to someone about this - there is a 24 hour freephone helpline on matters related to domestic violence - 0808 2000 247. I also think it's worth really asking yourself why you want to make it work, because the relationship sounds demoralising and difficult. This doesn't sound like a safe, healthy relationship and I would advise speaking to a professional on the helpline who can help you navigate this hugely difficult emotional terrain.

DelphiniumBlue · 18/09/2016 21:34

He's a violent bully, and he may well kill you, even if he is sorry afterwards.
Please leave - contact Women's Aid if you have nowhere else to go temporarily.

rumred · 18/09/2016 21:35

he's not a good person. hes an abusive twat. hitting back doesnt make you as bad as him. you're making excuses. what do your friends think of your relationship?

Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 21:40

Thanks for the replies - although not what I was expecting. I know the violence isn't totally normal but it can't be that out of the ordinary....?

I want to stay with him because I do love him and he says he loves me. He pushed me into my career, was super supportive. We enjoy the same things. It's just sometimes.

I think maybe I do have some mental issues - they run in my family - but nothing diagnosed

I would never tell my friends what goes on... Surely what happens at home stays at home? My best friend saw a mark when we were getting ready for a night out.. I explained and she did seem shocked but didn't say anything

Maybe I exaggerate?! I don't know. He says I do. And especially out of context it sounds bad I know

OP posts:
Phoeba · 18/09/2016 21:40

This is a very useful link detailing signs of being in an abusive relationship. One of the hardest things about this is facing up to the fact that someone you love could be doing this. www.refuge.org.uk/what-we-do/campaigns/early-warning-signs/

Myusernameismyusername · 18/09/2016 21:41

Any kind of violence has the potential to spiral out of control. Please take other people's advice.
It's very worrying that you don't want to see these things in the context of what is a healthy, safe relationship and that's because he's made you feel like you are mad and this is all your fault.
Have you told anyone in real life?

Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 21:41

Thanks phoeba I'll look at that now

OP posts:
Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 21:43

Not told anyone no. I don't know how to. I'm not really like that with many people, I don't want to bring a downer on anyone's day. No one IRL wants to hear about this !! Haha

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 18/09/2016 21:43

No violence is ever normal. I'm sorry to have to say it but it is so far from 'ordinary' I have no words. Read the links

theansweris42 · 18/09/2016 21:44

This is serious domestic violence. And coercive control and emotional abuse.
It's not OK for him to do any of this.
You seem far from having insight into this but you've posted here so that's good, keep posting.

Myusernameismyusername · 18/09/2016 21:45

Ok, if he pulled, pushed or hit a work colleague, what would happen to him?
He would be arrested and get the sack? Maybe even prosecuted and jail? Why are you different and excluded from it being wrong? Because he's also emotionally abusing you into blaming yourself

theansweris42 · 18/09/2016 21:46

It seems bad when you type it and read it back because it is bad. Very bad.
You're in danger.
You've posted here for help.

Phoeba · 18/09/2016 21:47

Also I think perhaps you are placing a little too much emphasis on context. There isn't a context where any of this is okay. And don't blame your mental health - if you're not feeling great right now, it's no wonder. Abusive people tend towards making their partners feel like they are going mad, exaggerating etc. And they are often generous, and regret their actions. This doesn't make their actions okay. Don't isolate yourself from people - find friends you can trust and get a bit of free professional advice over the phone.

theansweris42 · 18/09/2016 21:47

Talk to us if you have no-one in RL.

Nakupenda · 18/09/2016 21:49

This isn't a rut.

It's abuse, and you need to leave him and if you truly are just as bad to him then you need to leave him for his sake also.

I don't know what you want from everyone here because if you don't actually realise you need out of this relationship then not much can be done to help you. You'll stay with him forever til one punch is thrown at an awkward part on your head or his hands grab your throat a little too tight.

You say he would never kill you but accidents happen. His violence isn't an accident, as he may not mean to kill you but grabbing your throat in the heat of the moment and collapsing your windpipe could quite easily happen.

If you have no intentions of leaving him or trying to gather the support to leave then I don't know what you're doing here ???

KatieScarlett · 18/09/2016 21:49

This is so terrible I am struggling to find actual words to say.
He is a violent abuser.
You have to leave him.

theansweris42 · 18/09/2016 21:51

What made you post OP?
Are you putting a brave spin on it on your posts?
Are you wishing it didn't happen?
Are you OK?

Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 21:55

This is scaring me...!?

nakupenda sorry I don't want to come across as I time waster. I genuinely posted to look for similar situations to mine. I'm not new to mumsnet, I'm sorry if it comes across I'm hear for the wrong reason

I think I said in my original post that these were past events, he hasn't done this in a while because I said I would leave if he did it again. We both know it's wrong and I know about the criminal convictions. I told him I'd written down some of the things that had happened with dates etc because he'd deny they'd happened (and he did)

To be honest I don't know what to say. I knew things were bad - hence the post - but the replies aren't what I thought I was going to get

With regards to the link, some stuff he does but definitely not all of them. He'd never stop me seeing friends or family or smash up things (apart from my phone that one time). He does do the fast driving thing ....

OP posts:
Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 21:56

Terrible spelling and punctuation Confused sorry!

OP posts:
Thehappyperson · 18/09/2016 21:57

I felt so sad and shocked reading your post, you have been brain washed by him. He is a ruthless manipulative charming violent bully .... please leave him. Do get advice and support. He may be morbidly jealous of you - a very dangerous situation for you that can only deteriorate.

I suspect he has treated previous girlfriends the same way, it would be very unusual for him to single you out for this abuse.

Whether or not you have any mental health issues is absolutely immaterial - you should not be treated this way. If he believes you are 'ill', surely he should be kind, not controlling and violent.

Stay strong, and get somewhere good to live - please don't feel sorry for him, please think of your life and happiness.

Myusernameismyusername · 18/09/2016 21:59

Ask yourself honestly whether things are calmer because you watch your behaviour. You know that sets him off and you try to avoid upsetting him so that he doesn't kick off?