Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Stuck in a rut

80 replies

notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 20:27

Bit of background - My boyfriend and I live together - have done for about 2 years. Ups and downs but mostly downs at the moment..

I adore him but I think - and not in every way, he is an amazing boyfriend in lots of ways - he's selfish and quite egotistical

So today during an argument I was explaining that it was hard for me to feel close to him, or to want to work for the relationship given his actions in the past

There's been more than a handful of occasions where he's slapped me, he once pulled me out of the car in a public street by my arm, he's choked me so I can't breath, pushed me, punched me (not really hard though).. I've come away from a fight bleeding. We had new neighbour come round on a Saturday morning concerned because he was forcing me to stand and face the wall, I wasn't allowed to move and I was shouting. We've had full fights and I'm the first to admit I've hit back so I'm as bad as him I know that

It's just he shows no remorse. None. He doesn't even seem to think he's done wrong - his answer is 'well you drove me to it'. I love him and we do have good times, he does so much for me but I can't help but feel sometimes like I'm going mental or something!!

His version of events just seems so twisted?! He calls me crazy over and over and laughs that I get wound up when I'm sure that thats not how it went.

He calls me manic depressive if I'm not 100% chatty all the time - I'm a chatty person, I bet I'm described by friends and colleagues as bubbly, gregarious. I am a fun person - at least I think I am - but if I don't give him 10000000% all the time I'm 'in a huff' or moody. It's so draining

I'm not sure why I'm posting. Maybe other stories of people who've got out of a rut like this? He's a really good guy most of the time, he's got a good job, just been promoted.. He's a high flier and I'm really proud of him and want to make it work. Thanks (sorry it's so long)

OP posts:
theansweris42 · 18/09/2016 21:59

OP what sort of replies did you think you'd get?

Myusernameismyusername · 18/09/2016 22:00

People aren't saying don't be here. They are asking what it is you want from advice.

Nakupenda · 18/09/2016 22:02

Sorry, I didn't mean to imply you were a time waster as that's not what I meant!

I'm just continually shocked on this website by the amount of women who have full access to the internet who don't see the full picture right in front of them?!

If you're on Mumsnet a lot surely you read the scary volume of posts on here of women realising their DP's are abusive.

What has happened to make you stop seeing your relationship for what it is, totally abusive?

Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 22:03

I know exactly what sets him off and I do know I walk on eggshells BUT he has a high stress job. He's had a bad year, moving jobs, the death of loved one. He says I don't cut him slack and maybe I don't??

42 I thought people might come back with anecdotes on how they overcame rough periods ..!! I thought maybe I should join a club, I thought people might say have a break, give each other some time. A lot of the time people talk about relate. Maybe writing things down. I've googled and places say start by saying a nice thing a day..,,,

OP posts:
Phoeba · 18/09/2016 22:05

Regarding the link - Refuge state that if any of the signs are shown it's a signified of abuse. Everything you state is really concerning and I'm sorry to have to say that but I hope you'll see it is. I'm sorry you feel scared - take a little time to think things through and then get some help. This is definitely abuse and being in a loving happy relationship isn't like this. If you decide to leave him - and while I so hope you do, I recognise how heartbreaking this thread must be for you - I would strongly suggest you get support in a kind of exit strategy. Leaving abusive partners is difficult and you'll need some professionals to lean on.

Nakupenda · 18/09/2016 22:06

Environmental factors like jobs, bereavement is absolutely no excuse to be abusive toward anyone. There is never an excuse - why do you believe that? Why do you think it's okay for him to abuse you because he's stressed? What made you think like that?

It's not a rough patch, this isn't a rough patch it's abuse. They're past events because you're being careful (controlled). In a normal relationship neither partner is ever "careful" nor do they have to tread on eggshells. That's not normal, it's sad that you think it is.

Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 22:06

But my relationship isn't as bad as some of the people's on here! I don't come away with broken bones, or black eyes !

I guess that's what I mean by context. Altogether it sounds bad but this has been over the course of two years. Sporadic, some random and some happen like a few times over a month then nothing for the next six months (if that makes sense)

OP posts:
KatieScarlett · 18/09/2016 22:07

Counselling is never recommended with an abuser.
It's that bad.
The only recommendation is to get out.

Nakupenda · 18/09/2016 22:08

Also those questions were genuine. Try and think about what's happened in your relationship to make you believe abuse is okay if you are stressed. Did he tell you that? Has constantly being told you "drove" him to it made you actually believe it's your fault?

Phoeba · 18/09/2016 22:08

It's scary to leave someone and think you won't find anyone else as well. That keeps people in terrible relationships. But of course you will in time. There is a much better relationship out there for you. I hope the thread has helped show he isn't displaying "normal" behaviour.

Nakupenda · 18/09/2016 22:09

The black eyes and broken bones might be a year or two away for you.

The extreme cases you read on here are people at the end of the line after years of "petty" abuse and it just snowballs.

theansweris42 · 18/09/2016 22:10

OP the replies/advice/shock on here are v different then to your expectations.
Does that affect you thinking?
He may have a stressful job and have had some sad life events, that's common enough. But his behaviour is common and acceptable and your fault.
You're changing your behaviour will only delay another episode. It will happen again. And it'll get worse.
I think the extent of the minimising you're doing is surprising people.

Nakupenda · 18/09/2016 22:10

Just because your relationship isn't as "bad" as some you read on here in no uncertain terms means it's good.

You're still in an abusive relationship!

Phoeba · 18/09/2016 22:13

Other people's relationships aren't relevant- saying your relationship is okay because you don't get black eyes or broken bones is strange. And you have been choked, anyway. You've had your possessions damaged. You walk on eggshells. He frightens you by driving fast. You suggest you feel isolated. And you've been groomed to believe it's all your fault. You know it's not okay really because otherwise you wouldn't have posted. But wow, this is big stuff to deal with and you need to get support from loved ones. Sorry x

Myusernameismyusername · 18/09/2016 22:13

I know this seems scary but no one in their right mind is going to come along and tell you how to put the spark back into this relationship because what you really want is to know how to make him change and not hurt or control you. You want to know how to change yourself to make him love you enough to not do it again.
No one can do that because that's not what is going on here.

I think you probably need to take some time to read and think about what you want from your life and whether it's really scarier to start again than it is to be on the receiving end of a fist or a choke hold.

theansweris42 · 18/09/2016 22:14

OP I have to sleep now cos I didn't sleep last night due to a row with my crap husband. Will be hoping you see things more clearly and will check I tomorrow.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 18/09/2016 22:18

He doesn't show remorse because he's not sorry. This is not a rut. Why do you stay? Because he's a high flier? You must see that it's wrong and normal people do not behave in this way?

CocktailQueen · 18/09/2016 22:23

Op, I have been with my dh for 20 years. He has NEVER lifted a hand to me or been violent in any way.

The only acceptable level of violence in a relationship is none.

I am just shocked by your account of your relationship. Your op is a psychotic. He has the ability to kill you. He sounds horrific. Run away, as fast as you can. Don't look back.

I suggest you do the Freedom programme before starting a new relationship.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 18/09/2016 22:23

You say you're not new to mumsnet so you must have guessed what everyone would say. You must also know it's not normal, do you think we all have partners that make us stand in corners and punch us now and again? Not all abuse comes with bruises mind.

gamerchick · 18/09/2016 22:28

Man you are in trouble if you think any of what you've posted is ok Confused

You need to split up, the end. There is no other choice to make and for the love of god don't get pregnant to this bellend.

He could kill you accidentally, choking is incredibly serious and dangerous, if you're willing to take the risk then there isn't anything any of us can say.

ElspethFlashman · 18/09/2016 22:28

Fucking Hell.

You think this is normal!

DoreenLethal · 18/09/2016 22:30

Men who attempt to strangle their partners are ten times more likely to go on to kill them.

Nice stats eh?

Noen of this is in any way normal!

Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 22:35

Hi all. I'm still reading. Thanks for the advice. I think I'm a bit shocked. I can't work out whether I've just given out a really bad image or if I've just been sticking my head in the sand. I think it's the latter.

He'll say I'm ungrateful if I leave him though. I love him and his family and they've been through so much. He calls me ungrateful and it's the thing that hurts the most

OP posts:
Original poster
notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 22:37

That last post doesn't even make sense. Sorry. Typing aloud.

Thanks for the advice. I'm going to sleep now, a lot to think about

OP posts:
Myusernameismyusername · 18/09/2016 22:46

Please keep safe. Don't let him find what you have googled and be careful.

Yes he would say you are ungrateful but that's just his warped view of you. No one else would see it as being ungrateful and you know that's absolutely ridiculous reason for him to give. You need to try to separate things he says from being true, in some way. If he said the sky was yellow would you have to agree? As for his family I can only hope they would be as horrified as the rest of us to realise what had happened and if this continues it won't be long before that neighbour calls the police and his family find out when he is arrested. Which would be his own fault.