Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Stuck in a rut

80 replies

notnewjustnamechanged · 18/09/2016 20:27

Bit of background - My boyfriend and I live together - have done for about 2 years. Ups and downs but mostly downs at the moment..

I adore him but I think - and not in every way, he is an amazing boyfriend in lots of ways - he's selfish and quite egotistical

So today during an argument I was explaining that it was hard for me to feel close to him, or to want to work for the relationship given his actions in the past

There's been more than a handful of occasions where he's slapped me, he once pulled me out of the car in a public street by my arm, he's choked me so I can't breath, pushed me, punched me (not really hard though).. I've come away from a fight bleeding. We had new neighbour come round on a Saturday morning concerned because he was forcing me to stand and face the wall, I wasn't allowed to move and I was shouting. We've had full fights and I'm the first to admit I've hit back so I'm as bad as him I know that

It's just he shows no remorse. None. He doesn't even seem to think he's done wrong - his answer is 'well you drove me to it'. I love him and we do have good times, he does so much for me but I can't help but feel sometimes like I'm going mental or something!!

His version of events just seems so twisted?! He calls me crazy over and over and laughs that I get wound up when I'm sure that thats not how it went.

He calls me manic depressive if I'm not 100% chatty all the time - I'm a chatty person, I bet I'm described by friends and colleagues as bubbly, gregarious. I am a fun person - at least I think I am - but if I don't give him 10000000% all the time I'm 'in a huff' or moody. It's so draining

I'm not sure why I'm posting. Maybe other stories of people who've got out of a rut like this? He's a really good guy most of the time, he's got a good job, just been promoted.. He's a high flier and I'm really proud of him and want to make it work. Thanks (sorry it's so long)

OP posts:

Phoeba · 18/09/2016 22:53

I think it's okay to receive choking with a lack of gratitude! Why do men always think women have to be grateful to them?! Ask yourself why you're so worried if he thinks you're ungrateful. Honestly, it doesn't matter what he thinks. It's about what you think. If his family are as lovely as you say then they will be understanding if you have to go. If they aren't understanding then you don't need to feel ties to them. And to be honest, cutting ties to them may be necessary. You deserve better.

MNHQ

FlissMumsnet · 18/09/2016 22:59

We’re so sorry to hear that you’re going through this OP - we've sent you a private mail.

AndieNZ · 18/09/2016 23:19

I read your post with my jaw on the floor.

You are being abused...emotionally and physically. This man has also brainwashed you.

Don't make excuses for his behaviour as there is none
Listen to the advice and the replies you are getting on your thread
Take action immediately. Just because he is stressed or lost a loved one, does not excuse abusive behaviour!!! He's physically hurting you, but because you don't have a black eye, you don't think it's too bad? You owe it to yourself and your self worth to take immediate action. PLEASE run, not walk as far away as you can from this evil bastard whilst you still can. Sending

BlokeHereInPeace · 18/09/2016 23:33

I'm a 47 year old man who found this site by accident about 4 years ago and have found it to be very helpful in many ways. I've occasionally looked at this section. I've never read anything as sad as this. OP, this isn't right. Seriously, I really hope you can find a way out. You are being assaulted and he has made you think it's ok.

Really hope you can work out how to leave on Monday morning.

keepingonrunning · 19/09/2016 01:00

He's a very toxic person. He is not safe to be around. It's extremely common for abusive types to tell you you have mental health issues - they get a kick out of driving you crazy. It's all deliberate manipulation of you by him. He is creating lots of drama in your relationship for his secret amusement. He is toying with you like a cat toys with a mouse, letting you be happy for a while and then making you miserable.
Please make certain you do not get pregnant with him and leave ASAP. I echo what others have said: you are in danger.

keepingonrunning · 19/09/2016 01:04

He shows no remorse because he's a psychopath. Get out, get out, get out.

Hidingtonothing · 19/09/2016 02:48

Not much to add to what others have already said OP but the thing leaping out of this thread for you should be that no one has said this is 'a rut', remotely normal or in any way fixable. A little bit of violence (not that it sounds like a little bit to me) is not ok, it doesn't matter how 'out of context' what you've described might be, everything you've said about this man screams abusive to everyone reading your posts and the only reason it's not obvious to you is that he has insidiously brainwashed you into thinking it's normal. It will take a while to sink in but the one thing you mustn't do is brush it aside, it won't go away and it will get worse, the stark truth is that you will have to leave him at some point and I know I'm not the only one praying you will manage it before he does you serious harm. When you're ready your first step should be to speak to Women's Aid or your local domestic violence service, they will help you make a plan to get out safely. In the meantime make sure you're safe online, use private browsing or delete your history because if he realises you're moving towards leaving you will be in more danger than ever. We'll be here to help you work things out in your own mind but it's important everything seems normal to him while you do.

LadyB49 · 19/09/2016 04:21

You are a victim and your abuser has done a great job of brainwashing.

theansweris42 · 19/09/2016 12:39

How are you today OP?

Marmalade85 · 19/09/2016 13:01

Notnew your story sounds like mine. Get out now. I had a baby with the man that treated like this and my maternity leave was absolutely horrendous. He denies he ever did anything and doesn't have any accountability because he didn't leave visible marks. He would even go to church! You deserve so much more.

RebeccaWithTheGoodHair · 19/09/2016 13:12

OP, I have nothing to add that the others wouldn't say except please leave, and please report this to the police. Because when he attacks someone else, and he will because there will always be a woman who 'provokes' him so he 'can't help himself' then please let there be a paper trail to show who he really is.

Please leave him and please go quickly.

TheSparrowhawk · 19/09/2016 13:26

OP think about if you had a daughter and she came to you and told you that her partner strangled her. Would you tell her it's ok as long as he's sorry? Or would you be absolutely horrified to think that someone threatened the life of your precious child?

No one has the right to ever lay a finger on you, ever. Absolutely no one. Not for any reason. Least of all, someone who says they love you.

Please get away from this utter horror show of a man, do it as soon as you possibly can. Next time he strangles you he might not let go in time.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 19/09/2016 13:35

Leave. Get the police involved if he assaults you again. He is a bully and he gets off on controlling you. The fast driving thing is more bullying.

Madinche1sea · 19/09/2016 13:35

Sorry OP, but I really don't know where to begin.
Do you have any awareness that the vast majority of men do not hit women? EVER. AT ALL. NOT EVEN ONCE.
It doesn't matter whether it's a push or a punch or or what the circumstances are. This man is beyond reprehensible. How can you possibly think this is ok?

MarsBarsAreShrinking · 19/09/2016 13:39

Your post has moved to reply on my first thread on Relationships.

Darling, you are in massive denial.

Your boyfriend is a violent abusive man who one day might kill you.

The ONLY acceptable level of violence in any relationship is NONE.

I wish all you all the very best and hope you can find the strength to get out of this and away from him.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 19/09/2016 13:42

I echo what others are saying about what is normal. Hitting people, making them stand facing a wall etc etc is NOT normal. Many people have stress of all sorts and so not hit other people or abuse them because of it.

Get out as fast as you can. Go to a hotel or family. Get the police involved and find yourself a lawyer. Do not stay with this excuse for a human being.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 19/09/2016 13:42

...do not hit

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 19/09/2016 13:44

And you are not to blame. You might think you are because he has brainwashed you and frightened you into accepting that.
But you are blameless. You have nothing to feel bad about.
Grab your courage and walk out.

Iflyaway · 19/09/2016 13:47

You say in your title you are "stuck in a rut".....

What you are actually stuck in is a violent relationship. He sounds horrendous!

You deserve so much better!

Please find the strength and support to get out of "this rut".

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 19/09/2016 13:49

And yes, he will have acted this way with others - maybe girlfriends, maybe even family - before. He is simply saying he hasn't to make you feel you are the awful
person.

(Sorry. Still catching up with the posts. Couldn't wait to finish it all before I responded. I feel so sorry you are enduring this.)

Original poster

notnewjustnamechanged · 19/09/2016 13:50

Hi everyone. Thanks for taking the time to reply

I didn't really sleep last night. I'm not sure why I haven't seen what's been happening in my own relationship because like several PPs have said, if a friend or colleague told me I'd tell them to get out

I think I am in denial. He's so good at twisting things round. You'd never guess looking at him. He's quite shy really. I don't know what to do. We're due to go on the holiday of a lifetime .....

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 19/09/2016 13:53

Abusers are normal looking people who are nice some of the time. Otherwise they wouldn't have anyone to abuse because everyone would just stay away.

Don't go on that holiday. I know this is really really hard, but you have to get out of this situation asap. You are not safe.

Phoeba · 19/09/2016 13:58

Do you have holiday insurance? How long is the holiday for? I wouldn't go. But if you do go, I wouldn't talk about anything while you're away. If he gets angry, it'll be even harder to navigate out of your home country. Abusive men are very difficult to leave. Honestly, call a support line. They deal with this everyday - sadly - they'll be able to help you manage everything carefully and strategically.

DoreenLethal · 19/09/2016 14:02

He'll say I'm ungrateful if I leave him though

Who cares what he will say? You need to get out whilst you can.

Please leave.

PoppyBirdOnAWire · 19/09/2016 14:19

Leave. You do know what to do. No one who has contributed has told you to remain with this vile person.

A holiday? With this person? No. Just no.

Flip

1 2 3 4