Concerned friends partner is a conman

[Pinktartan]

Hi,

I need to get this off my chest as I can't stop mulling it over in my head. So, for some time I have had suspicions my friends partner isn't who he claims to be. She met him on POF around 18 months ago. My first 'spidey sense' was set off before I had even met him as she told me he had no family (parents died in tragic circumstances, no aunties/uncles/siblings etc), few friends and a long term health condition (I don't want to give specific outing details, but what he has said regarding the health condition didn't add up). I instantly felt something wasn't right. She told me he works in finance, and was proud of this, which it later emerged as actually working in a call centre for a bank.

Anyway they were long distance for a while, he would come and visit her every weekend. Then he got a new successful job (earning about four times his previous wages apparently ) in her home town (other end of the country to him), so he 'temporarily' moved in with her until he could find his own place. Cue over six months later, and he still has not been paid from this new job (he has come out with some ridiculous reasons for this), and she is funding his entire lifestyle. He pays her no bills or rent. She leaves work before him and arrives back later so I am highly suspicious that there was never a new job at all and he just wanted to move closer to her. He is very intense and has already proposed to her and she has accepted. With her funding the entire wedding and planning to purchase a house together to start a family. I have tentatively voiced a few concerns regarding his pay but she is only angry at his work not at him. I also rarely see her without him around. She has a career, inheritance and investments and I am very concerned about her. She is a very unassuming person and just feels a lot of sympathy for him regarding his job situation, money, health, family etc and is not a confrontation, suspicious person at all which is making her a prime target for this conman.

I have tried digging for information about him e.g. googling his name but I find nothing. His Facebook name doesn't reveal much about himself and his friends etc are all kept private. (if he actually has any)..in person he deflects any questions and puts the focus back on you and changes the subject. He is convincing and very charming.l and flattering- lots of compliments etc.

I'm not sure why exactly I'm writing this. I am just very worried about her, and it has literally kept me up at night thinking it over. I keep worrying about who the real person behind the mask is. Whether he has criminal convictions. Whether he has another family. Whether he could be dangerous if the truth emerges. Maybe any advice? Has anybody experienced anything but similar? How can I suggest to her something isn't right without offending or upsetting her?

Thanks for reading 😊

Maybe - if it gets to the marriage without them splitting up and you know where they are getting married - book an appointment with the vicar/priest/registrar beforehand and explain your concerns. They will surely look at his ID / whatever he uses to prove his identity more carefully.

How about sending his picture to the Police department that deals with fraud and explaining your concerns.

www.actionfraud.police.uk/

Their number is 0300 123 2040

Can you clandestinely watch your friend's home in the daytime when she is at work, to see what he gets up to?
This type of personality is the sort to have other women round and entertain them in your friend's bed. Sociopaths/psychopaths just don't care - they are without conscience.

As previous posters have said, phoning the switchboard of the company he claims to work for is a good starting point.

I'd be grabbing a glass after he's used it and keeping it for fingerprints and DNA. Depending on his age you can look up his parentage from his name and find any relatives on the free births deaths and marriages site. Call them and ask questions.... They may have all the answers that you want... I know i sound a little OTT but seriously if i wanted to know ...I would know...whatever it takes

He sounds dodgy as and I think you are right to be worried. I would contact her family ASAP.

Some internet research suggestions:

1. Make sure you use "fred blogs" around his name when you search.
2. Try a few websites such as ducduckgo.com, bing.com etc. They give very different results.
3. Does he claim to have a degree? Can you get a pal to do some digging? I agree you should play dumb and friendly with him.
4. Is he still active on POF?

Good luck OP.

The police won't give out any criminal background information due to privacy laws other wise we could all rock and make requests.

I think his story is off, it does sound like hes conning your friend, I wouldn't be surprised if hes borrowed money of her, everything you have said suggests hes in the business of ripping people off.

But, these days everything is available if you no where to look, you need to find out the following.

Last employers name; Last known address; His name and variances; Place of birth; Date of birth; Family & connections.

If you can find out any combination of the above I can advise you how to verify some of the questions you have.

Oh, there is no way hes in employed work the six month story is absolute rubbish, Id be of the opinion hes all ready borrowed considerable funds from your friend.

Now, borrowing money is not a crime if hes actually defrauding your friend you might have an avenue to talk to your local police.

Add, finding out if shes loaned him money to my list.

Stupid question, how do you google image search?

If you know who he apparently works for, can you call and ask to speak to him?

Mad ginger i answered the google image search in a previous post, it's easy enough

He sounds very dodgy indeed. I think I would start by ringing the company and asking to speak to him. I know it is a big company and he has a common name but it might be a start.

She sounds incredibly gullible or in denial. I think you should be frank with her.

I'd start by getting an unknown friend to knock on the door during the day pretending to be a salesman or something, to verify he is there during the day. I'd watch the house or get someone else to do it. I'd also phone his "work" and ask for him.

I'd think what to do next depending on the results of the above.

I don't think it's worth talking to your friend unless you have concrete proof.

If it's a really big company there is no way he's not been paid for that length of time. More plausible in a smaller company.

If there is more than one same common name, person than you can "try to work out" which one he is with the receptionist, thus getting new information.

I'm afraid I don't believe phoning the company would help; he'd probably say you'd misunderstood and that he works in an out-of-house advisory role rather than being on the actual staff

Personally I'd favour the idea of speaking to friend's parents - would this be possible? Or failing that, the PP's nuclear option of approaching the registrar/vicar if it comes to it

I agree with everyone who has said to keep her close. And if he is starting to alienate her best friend, I'd share my concerns with her.

Apart from that I'd be very sneaky - ask him for his work phone number/email and come up with a plausible excuse why you'd need it (friend thinking of applying for a similar job with the same company would like some advice), causally introduce him to a "lawyer friend" and engineer the conversation round to his unpaid salary so "lawyer friend" can get more details so they can help.

I'd also try to engineer some conversations that are all about him in front of her family, as surely they are likely to be curious and it's harder for him not to answer eg. "So where did you grow up Fred?" "Who are in your family Fred? Will they be coming to the wedding?" (Obviously don't actually call him Fred).

As others have said I'd get someone to call round during the day to see if he is at home, and if he is I'd try to find some excuse to get her back there (burglar alarm going off?)

This happened to a relative of mine - although we didn't find out until after she had lost a six-figure sum. "Love of my life" relationship, started online, then one day his business needed a load of money in order to win a contract abroad. She sent it, and he vanished.

I helped out a bit afterwards, doing a bit of online digging.

If you want to do a reverse image search you should use the original profile image. Easiest on a computer rather than phone - right-click on it and click "Search Google for image".

Here's some reading about "Romance Fraud" which it would help you to know about:-

www2.le.ac.uk/departments/media/people/monica-whitty/Whitty_romance_scam_report.pdf

Action Fraud has some information:
www.actionfraud.police.uk/romance-scam-victim-brenda-parke

US site with a lot of info:
www.romancescams.org/AboutRomanceScammers.html

If she hands money over willingly to him, it's almost impossible to get it back, unless he is caught in the act. As soon as it hits his bank account it will vanish somewhere else and probably never be seen again.

As for how to approach her, it's hugely difficult. You obviously need to talk to her alone, and in a very practical and straightforward manner.

Personally, rather than going in accusing, I would have a list of straightforward questions to ask her - the idea being to make her realise herself how dodgy it is, rather than her immediately going on the defensive.

Tell her you have some questions to ask, and if at the end of it she's completely happy, say you'll never mention anything again but you're just a very concerned friend and you could never forgive yourself for not saying anything.

• What's happening about his job? What's the name of the company he works for? Where are they based? Do you ever meet him there to go for lunch?
• Have you ever seen any paperwork about the job?
• Have you ever been on holiday together?
• So does he have a passport?
• How much money is he contributing to the relationship? What else does he contribute?
• Have you ever seen his bank statements, driving licence?

etc. etc. - there's loads you could come up with. But you have to keep it calm, neutral and non-accusatory, otherwise you'll lose her completely.

Good luck. I have an ex-Met contact who now specialises in online fraud if you'd like me to pass over his details.

Can I also suggest not doing anything to put him on edge - attempts to get his work details directly, or to introduce him to your friends might look a bit odd if you've been cool towards him before. Deal only with your friend, and only one-on-one.

What is POF please?

RTKangaMummy - Plenty of Fish, dating website

Oh Oke doke thank you

Hi OP. As others have said, I would work very hard to keep your friend close. She will need you. Don't say anything negative about the BF or give him anything he could use against you. She will likely be telling him anything the two of you say if you do have excusive time. Basically, be polite and friendly to him/about him without giving too much of yourself away. Meanwhile hire a PI. Get hold of anything official about him that she would find hard to deny. Even have it sent to her anonymously if needed. But don't let it be traced back to you. A good company will find out enough to show him for what it is. And finally, I wouldn't try to find a family member or past partner of his to talk to her, or even one of her own family. He's probably sown plenty of poisonous seeds so the minute one of them questions the relationship, he will shut them down and exclude them from her life. If possible, it would be best for someone she doesn't know but who has ben through something similar to talk to her about what happened to them and what signs they wished they had paid attention to. Good luck. It's going to be a rough road for her and for you.

Eesh my aunt has just actually married a guy like this. When I refused to tolerate his 'charm' (sexual harassment) unlike the other women in my family he started telling everyone I had a crush on him.... He is 3x married (now four) ex heroin/alcohol addict criminal with no teeth and no job, old enough to be my father and in a relationship with my aunt - as if!!! He owns a castle in Germany apparently that was sold over a year ago and there is some obscure complication about getting the money... My aunt even put an offer in on her dream house because she really believed him.

Everyone else refuses to listen to my concerns, my parents even offered to let them move into a flat in their house conversion and refused to heed my predictions which all came true and they made them move out - leaving my aunt in a worse position than before.

My aunt has progressive MS and I am very worried about her, everyone else just had a lovely time at the wedding because 'it was a lovely day and all that matters is that [aunt] is happy!'

I have expressed my views clearly, have always been clear am on aunt's side, took her side through my family's (Catholic) shame at the divorce of her first husband but I refuse to be around him and I wouldn't go to their wedding. They know why.

Unfortunately he is probably going to use up all the money she got from the sale of her family home and leech off her disability benefits until she dies prematurely and he inherits the cushion she built up through teaching and in her previous marriage. I feel all I can do is be firm that I reject him, see him for what he is and I will advocate to ensure she is at least given advice about protecting her children's inheritance from him and that she is not left in his care when her condition degenerates.

I just feel if someone really does not want to listen to reason there is nothing you can do.

Have they booked the wedding? If so there will be a marriage license at registry office?
Getting his birthday could be a big help?
Good luck, you sound like a wonderful friend.