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Original poster

Concerned friends partner is a conman

131 replies

Pinktartan · 18/09/2016 18:19

Hi,

I need to get this off my chest as I can't stop mulling it over in my head. So, for some time I have had suspicions my friends partner isn't who he claims to be. She met him on POF around 18 months ago. My first 'spidey sense' was set off before I had even met him as she told me he had no family (parents died in tragic circumstances, no aunties/uncles/siblings etc), few friends and a long term health condition (I don't want to give specific outing details, but what he has said regarding the health condition didn't add up). I instantly felt something wasn't right. She told me he works in finance, and was proud of this, which it later emerged as actually working in a call centre for a bank. Hmm

Anyway they were long distance for a while, he would come and visit her every weekend. Then he got a new successful job (earning about four times his previous wages apparently Hmm) in her home town (other end of the country to him), so he 'temporarily' moved in with her until he could find his own place. Cue over six months later, and he still has not been paid from this new job (he has come out with some ridiculous reasons for this), and she is funding his entire lifestyle. He pays her no bills or rent. She leaves work before him and arrives back later so I am highly suspicious that there was never a new job at all and he just wanted to move closer to her. He is very intense and has already proposed to her and she has accepted. With her funding the entire wedding and planning to purchase a house together to start a family. I have tentatively voiced a few concerns regarding his pay but she is only angry at his work not at him. I also rarely see her without him around. She has a career, inheritance and investments and I am very concerned about her. She is a very unassuming person and just feels a lot of sympathy for him regarding his job situation, money, health, family etc and is not a confrontation, suspicious person at all which is making her a prime target for this conman.

I have tried digging for information about him e.g. googling his name but I find nothing. His Facebook name doesn't reveal much about himself and his friends etc are all kept private. (if he actually has any)..in person he deflects any questions and puts the focus back on you and changes the subject. He is convincing and very charming.l and flattering- lots of compliments etc.

I'm not sure why exactly I'm writing this. I am just very worried about her, and it has literally kept me up at night thinking it over. I keep worrying about who the real person behind the mask is. Whether he has criminal convictions. Whether he has another family. Whether he could be dangerous if the truth emerges. Maybe any advice? Has anybody experienced anything but similar? How can I suggest to her something isn't right without offending or upsetting her?

Thanks for reading 😊

OP posts:
LoveYouSweetheart · 18/09/2016 18:49

He does sound like a conman to me, like another poster said, you need to be blunt with your friend, she will thank you for it.

TheHobbitMum · 18/09/2016 18:50

Definitely not right at all! Can you come up with something that will get him/her to name the company he works for so you can dig further?

Mhoys · 18/09/2016 18:54

You could go out with her - invite her out for a meal or a drink, your treat say.

Then speak to her about your concerns. Mention the things you have on here. Be diplomatic but clear. Make it clear that you have real concerns about him.

She may go very quiet and not say much, or even slightly defend him or herself. BUT you will have planted the seed of doubt in her mind, and despite herself she may refer to it when she is thinking of her relationship with him. Hopefully it will influence her.

OR she may get furious with you if she still thinks she's in love with him. but it still plants the seed of doubt etc etc.

To be honest, after that, you might need to back off. If she is still "adamant" that he is a knight on shining armour I don't see what else you can do. It may damage your friendship. And you may get involved between them which is never a great place (just my opinion that).

If you feel he is dangerous you also need to protect yourself from him.

To be honest, if I were you, once I had made my concerns known to your friend, because of this, I would distance myself from them both. Or at least only see her, separately, and don't get drawn into anymore discussions about him or get further involved. You've said your piece to hopefully help her, now its up to her. This is my take on it, anyway.

doji · 18/09/2016 18:54

You can apply to police for disclosure under clare's law. They can disclose information relating to domestic violence or if they think it appropriate regarding prevention of 'other' crime. He may well have form...

Seeyouontheotherside · 18/09/2016 18:56

Can you go to the police with your suspicions? Isn't there a law in Britain now where you can find out if a man has a history of violence? He could have a long record of criminal behaviour.

I'd also go to the company he claims to work for, find out if he's working there and when the answers no, tell them he's claiming to work for them without pay.

If you go to her with proof that he's a liar, doesn't work, has a criminal past(if but very likely), then he won't be able to talk his way out of it.

You are very right to be worried about your friend and I think all the details you've given backs up your gut instinct that something is very wrong with him, all that and the sense of aggression you get from him, I'd be worried about him bumping her off after the wedding.

53rdAndBird · 18/09/2016 18:57

She probably suspects something's off, deep down, but is squishing down any doubt about Mr Perfect Sad

I think you need to talk to her and lay all your suspicions out. Is there any specific thing you can pin him down on that she'd have a hard time handwaving aside? Even "I phoned that company and they said he doesn't even work there" if you're prepared to do that? If there's any way you can plant a seed of doubt she can't just dismiss, that's probably the best way in.

Original poster
Pinktartan · 18/09/2016 18:57

The issue with that dojiis he has a fairly common name and that's assuming it's actually his real name!

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 18/09/2016 18:57

Been there, done that Pink. There was an irretrievable breakdown in a friendship decades ago with someone who was once like a sister due to the lies her husband told her about me. He was controlling and overbearing with her and I tried to tell her that she deserved better treatment. Cue him saying that I had tried it on with him (as if!) and that I'd said vile things about her to 'others'.

Even after his death, when I tried to reach out I was rebuffed. It saddens me to this day.

Amandahugandkisses · 18/09/2016 18:58

If you do confront her. Be prepared for her to tell him what you've said and you may well be cut off.
He sounds awfully suspicious but love is blind sadly.

tallwivglasses · 18/09/2016 19:01

Longshot but you could see if he's still on POF? And there's no harm in showing his photo to the police to see if he's on any wanted list. I hope she sees sense, you're a good friend.

Original poster
Pinktartan · 18/09/2016 19:02

That's the issue. From spending time with them both together, I can see how he has her wrapped right round his little finger. I don't think that telling her would make a blind bit of difference as she almost blots everyone and everything else out when he is around. She spends a lot of time gazing/giggling at him. I really wish it was as simple as tell her and everything will work out but I have a feeling it will make things worse, certainly for our friendship and perhaps have bigger consequences too

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinktartan · 18/09/2016 19:04

across that's awful but I can see exactly how that could happen Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinktartan · 18/09/2016 19:05

tall yes I think I do need to do some more digging - with the company, and police etc.

OP posts:
Mhoys · 18/09/2016 19:05

Oh right I see. What else can you do Pinktartan? Just say simply you don't trust him and don't want to be around when he's there? Is she really that gullible that she can't see any issues?

Mhoys · 18/09/2016 19:08

sorry cross post. You could hire a Private Investigator. To do preliminary search is probably fairly cheap ... but even if you got your suspiscions confirmed, it might look very odd to her that you went that far ...

there is no harm in calling the police. they would probably be able to give you some good suggestions on what your options might be ....

ginghamstarfish · 18/09/2016 19:09

Agree with a pp, write it all down as above, get her alone and give it to her, stressing that it is for her alone. Tell her you're concerned and hope not to lose her friendship but you have to say what you're thinking. That's what a good friend would do.

Original poster
Pinktartan · 18/09/2016 19:10

mhoys I have tried to act normal around him as I don't want him knowing I have suspicions. I feel this could jeapordise the friendship with my friend and potentially have worse consequences. But maybe I need to confront him/her more directly. I just don't know Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinktartan · 18/09/2016 19:13

I guess I have been hoping the lies from him can't continue forever and then they will inevitably catch up with him .. How long can it last about not getting paid etc? But then again I had suspicions at the start of their relationship that something was amiss but she remains oblivious and totally in love. Now a wedding is on the cards time is running out

OP posts:
Mhoys · 18/09/2016 19:13

Don't confront him. I wouldn't even spend any time around him at all.

As I said earlier you could speak to your friend - being firm and clear about your concerns, stressing what you are sharing is for her alone. And then back off. After that its her decision.

JayZed · 18/09/2016 19:15

Take his profile pic and run it through a google search to rule out any other profiles under different names(who knows he may be living different lives all over the country)

Tiggeryoubastard · 18/09/2016 19:16

Frankly I'd tell her once then leave it. You can't argue with stupid.

ginghamstarfish · 18/09/2016 19:17

I wonder if you should confront him? You may lose her friendship but if he knows someone is on to him then it might have some effect on his plans .. of course you must be careful, meet in public place etc, have someone with you. Agree with showing his pic to police too, just in case.

Trifleorbust · 18/09/2016 19:20

Are you sure she doesn't already know he isn't working? This just sounds unbelievable. 6 months without pay? That's nonsense.

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 18/09/2016 19:21

Contact a private investigator - I bet it won't cost you much if he is so transparent to a pro! Surely it will be worth a couple of hundred quid to save your friend!

doji · 18/09/2016 19:21

Could you get his DOB from her (some pretence about a personalised wedding gift)? Might help confirm his identity of you go the police/PI route...

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