Concerned friends partner is a conman

[Pinktartan]

Hi,

I need to get this off my chest as I can't stop mulling it over in my head. So, for some time I have had suspicions my friends partner isn't who he claims to be. She met him on POF around 18 months ago. My first 'spidey sense' was set off before I had even met him as she told me he had no family (parents died in tragic circumstances, no aunties/uncles/siblings etc), few friends and a long term health condition (I don't want to give specific outing details, but what he has said regarding the health condition didn't add up). I instantly felt something wasn't right. She told me he works in finance, and was proud of this, which it later emerged as actually working in a call centre for a bank.

Anyway they were long distance for a while, he would come and visit her every weekend. Then he got a new successful job (earning about four times his previous wages apparently ) in her home town (other end of the country to him), so he 'temporarily' moved in with her until he could find his own place. Cue over six months later, and he still has not been paid from this new job (he has come out with some ridiculous reasons for this), and she is funding his entire lifestyle. He pays her no bills or rent. She leaves work before him and arrives back later so I am highly suspicious that there was never a new job at all and he just wanted to move closer to her. He is very intense and has already proposed to her and she has accepted. With her funding the entire wedding and planning to purchase a house together to start a family. I have tentatively voiced a few concerns regarding his pay but she is only angry at his work not at him. I also rarely see her without him around. She has a career, inheritance and investments and I am very concerned about her. She is a very unassuming person and just feels a lot of sympathy for him regarding his job situation, money, health, family etc and is not a confrontation, suspicious person at all which is making her a prime target for this conman.

I have tried digging for information about him e.g. googling his name but I find nothing. His Facebook name doesn't reveal much about himself and his friends etc are all kept private. (if he actually has any)..in person he deflects any questions and puts the focus back on you and changes the subject. He is convincing and very charming.l and flattering- lots of compliments etc.

I'm not sure why exactly I'm writing this. I am just very worried about her, and it has literally kept me up at night thinking it over. I keep worrying about who the real person behind the mask is. Whether he has criminal convictions. Whether he has another family. Whether he could be dangerous if the truth emerges. Maybe any advice? Has anybody experienced anything but similar? How can I suggest to her something isn't right without offending or upsetting her?

Thanks for reading 😊

Encourage her to book a solicitors appointment. She will be the one bankrolling it, so why not tell her she should go ahead and book one. That she can attend with him
Hopefully the seeds of doubt will be planted (if not grow more) when he finds every available excuse in the book not to go.

Ask some private detectives their rate and if you can't handle it on your own see if there are other friends who can help.

I imagine if they follow him for a few days and do some digging it won't cost too much.

Then hand over the portfolio and tell her you will be there for her whatever she decides.

He's indirectly threatened you? (You said about him making trouble for you at work) I'd get in quick and warn your hr that he might (or someone anonymously might) and make a record of such threats. I bet his spidey senses are tingling already and there's no way you will get near her alone.

There's a story in the papers today OP about the novelist Elizabeth Jane Howard who got involved with a very dangerous man in her later years- it was her family who sussed him out and found out his background.
It's called ''sweetheart fraud' and has the potential if you're right to wreck your friend's life.
Are there any other friends you could share your concerns with?

How old is your friend?

I don't live in the same town as my friend and her partner. I tried reverse google searching some of his Facebook images but nothing came up but I was just doing it from my phone- screenshots of the pics would this still work? Any other tips to find out more about someone online?

Can anybody use Clare's law? What would it entail? What information would I need? Similarly for a PI? Any experience of costs?

Thanks

I actually suggest that you go OTT the other way.
Be ridiculously nice, and pleasa t and don't mention anything to her.
He's more than likely already started to poison her against you, it will be harder to agree with if she can see you being the nicest you can be.
Be supportive, get stuck in with the wedding planning. Be as sneaky and devious as him. Make her question his lies about you.

He didn't specifically threaten me slinkyit was more a generic what he has done/would do if anybody got on the wrong side of him. But I think he was saying it to warn me of IYSWIM. I was just summising that an easy way to get to me if he was so inclined could be a nasty email to my work or something like that. He is extremely manipulative from what I have seen. Playing one fiend off against another, planting seeds and so on.

derxa I don't want to give too many identifying details but in the age bracket of 27-35.

louisa have you got a link to that article?

You can try to ferret things out or hire a PI, but the chances are he's just gone from vulnerable woman to vulnerable woman with no real 'paper trail'. Most women are so ashamed in the end that they rarely do anything 'legal'. Your best bet would be if you could find an ex or two to talk to her. But even then he'd probably be able to bullshit his way out of it. There's probably not much you can find out about him that he won't make up an explanation for, or blame on 'jealousy' on your part or the part of an ex.

The reason you have to tell her is so you can say "Listen, I love you. I know you're angry now and you don't believe me, but I just want you to know that no matter what you say to me now, I understand and forgive you. Please know that I will always be here and will never say 'I told you so'. I will be waiting with an open heart and no judgement. Please call me when you need me".

My friend lost/invested £4.5 million I didn't know her when she met this clown but she was warned by her greatest oldest friends and still went ahead. The most unbelievable thing is that he has had two subsequent partners both very independently wealthy who KNOW how he fleeced my friend - he and I don't see eye to eye and he poisoned many people about me because I told the truth about his terrible past. He is now living a Ponzi scheme in a £6 million penthouse driving a 100k Audi eating at the Ivy and La familia every night representing a proper life - he is a charlatan. I know two other women who have been fleeced by men such as these very worrying for you and sadly your friend won't listen.

across exactly, as I say Google search reveals nothing and I'm sure he's very careful to cover his back. He is clearly an accomplished liar.

parsley that's awful. I can see things going very wrong for my friend before they recover

It sounds very suspicious. If she is hellbent on this course of action then all you can do is be her friend. People like this man are experts at mind manipulation and brain washing. What about her family? What do they think?

I'd be very very careful then. (Not that you would have done anything, but if he could cause trouble for you I'd do what Madge said and play it very clever. I bet it's not the first time he's done this. Do you know who he says his employer is? Maybe a quick ring through their switchboard from a pay phone just to confirm. File it away for the future.

This is from a Guardian review of a book about her: "Her exit from the marriage left Jane in a torment of loneliness. It caused one final astonishing reversal years later, when a mysterious admirer insinuated himself into her life (the episode is recast in her late novel Falling). Only by the shrewdness of her daughter, Nicola, who conducted background checks, was the interloper eventually unmasked as a con man. ". The Mail goes into greater details.
Is there no one you could share your concerns with?

The company is a huge one. I wouldn't know where to start regarding contacting them for a particular person. Would they be able to tell me under data protection acts? I'm also not entirely sure what his job role is and my friend doesn't know either. She says "oh management/customer service/sales/it technician type role" apparently it has a long complicated title .

I feel he could and would cause trouble for me.

She has family derxa but her parents live abroad, although are coming to visit her soon. I imagine they will be very interested to find out more about her 'd'p particularly with an impending wedding. I have a feeling they may be the ones to out him but we shall see. Maybe that's wishful thinking I'm sure he will have cover stories and probably not admit that she has been paying for everything for the last six months. I think she is a bit embarrassed to admit this too particularly as she was initially so proud of him getting this amazing well paid job.

To answer questions in your op.
Yes he's a conman.
He will more than likely have other families/children he's abandoned, or women he's conned.
He will more than likely have a criminal record of some sort including driving offences.
Yes he is very dangerous, emotionally financially and physically.
Please do not confront this man.
Another word for a conman is a sociopath.
Anti social personality disorder is in the same cluster as narciccist personality disorder and he will have traits of this also.
Google true love scam.
Your friend is being true love scammed.
Please just be there for her when her world is destroyed.

aleopard it's funny but his 'health condition' also means he can't drive: I wonder if there's actually other reasons he can't drive as without going into details, the health condition didn't ring true.

Call the switchboard and ask for him.

Could you go round to the house when she is at work and photograph him obviously not at work from sitting in your car out of view from the house or if you have a distinguishable car go in someone else's if you can borrow or hire one

BUT I agree with others that say be smoozy with him be as lovely as you can to his face cos he is going to turn her against you

Be really enthusiastic about the wedding thru gritted teeth

But I deffo agree he is deffo a conman

This is the story in today's paper

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3794707/Seduced-psychopath-Elizabeth-Jane-Howard-welcomed-stranger-home-bed-worried-relatives-discovered-violent-past-realised-novelist-mortal-danger.html

If you know the company he says he works at I'd try ringing even if it's a common name it's worth a shot.

You sound like a good friend and I'd say there's no doubt he's a conman.

What about making yourself a fake facebook profile with glamorous public photos and sending him a friend request

Or get a friend that he doesn't know to ring doorbell and see if he comes to the door

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Malcolm_Webster_(murderer)
Your friend's DP won't be as extreme as this man. But I fear they have the same traits.

Hmm yes what a coincidence.
I've had experience of these types unfortunately. They are toxic and dangerous I can't stress that enough.

Sorry to say I'm not sure there's much you can do for your friend but please protect yourself. They are brazen and that's how they get away with it.
2 things conmen care about, their only motivations in life:take what they want, not get caught.
If you Google true love scam and love fraud and you will see this guy looking back at you.

The Tineye website is a good reverse image search, worth a try.

If you look at his Facebook account on a laptop / desktop not your phone you should be able to right click to save the photos.

If not I reckon a screenshot should work.

www.tineye.com