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Original poster

Concerned friends partner is a conman

131 replies

Pinktartan · 18/09/2016 18:19

Hi,

I need to get this off my chest as I can't stop mulling it over in my head. So, for some time I have had suspicions my friends partner isn't who he claims to be. She met him on POF around 18 months ago. My first 'spidey sense' was set off before I had even met him as she told me he had no family (parents died in tragic circumstances, no aunties/uncles/siblings etc), few friends and a long term health condition (I don't want to give specific outing details, but what he has said regarding the health condition didn't add up). I instantly felt something wasn't right. She told me he works in finance, and was proud of this, which it later emerged as actually working in a call centre for a bank. Hmm

Anyway they were long distance for a while, he would come and visit her every weekend. Then he got a new successful job (earning about four times his previous wages apparently Hmm) in her home town (other end of the country to him), so he 'temporarily' moved in with her until he could find his own place. Cue over six months later, and he still has not been paid from this new job (he has come out with some ridiculous reasons for this), and she is funding his entire lifestyle. He pays her no bills or rent. She leaves work before him and arrives back later so I am highly suspicious that there was never a new job at all and he just wanted to move closer to her. He is very intense and has already proposed to her and she has accepted. With her funding the entire wedding and planning to purchase a house together to start a family. I have tentatively voiced a few concerns regarding his pay but she is only angry at his work not at him. I also rarely see her without him around. She has a career, inheritance and investments and I am very concerned about her. She is a very unassuming person and just feels a lot of sympathy for him regarding his job situation, money, health, family etc and is not a confrontation, suspicious person at all which is making her a prime target for this conman.

I have tried digging for information about him e.g. googling his name but I find nothing. His Facebook name doesn't reveal much about himself and his friends etc are all kept private. (if he actually has any)..in person he deflects any questions and puts the focus back on you and changes the subject. He is convincing and very charming.l and flattering- lots of compliments etc.

I'm not sure why exactly I'm writing this. I am just very worried about her, and it has literally kept me up at night thinking it over. I keep worrying about who the real person behind the mask is. Whether he has criminal convictions. Whether he has another family. Whether he could be dangerous if the truth emerges. Maybe any advice? Has anybody experienced anything but similar? How can I suggest to her something isn't right without offending or upsetting her?

Thanks for reading 😊

OP posts:
notagiraffe · 18/09/2016 20:12

I think you need to take her out one day and be absolutely honest with her about your concerns. And however she reacts, let her know that you'll be supportive if/when she discovers they are true, though you hope they're not. What more can you do?

And give her a copy of The Psychopath Next Door (without relating it to him in anyway. Just say it's a fascinating book.) He sounds just like one of the case studies in it.

jeaux90 · 18/09/2016 20:13

I agree with everything here. Here's the thing from experience with a narc who actually had a very dark history, you have to dog very deep on the internet sometimes. Image searches etc. He might not even have told her his real name. A PI or a Clare's law check would be good! X

jeaux90 · 18/09/2016 20:13

Dig!!! Dig! Not dog yeesh!!

LeonardInTheArgosBag · 18/09/2016 20:13

He sounds shady as fuck. Be careful, OP. I second going down the PI route if you can afford it.

53rdAndBird · 18/09/2016 20:19

his 'health condition' also means he can't drive: I wonder if there's actually other reasons he can't drive

Also makes me wonder if he has any official documents with his name on at all. He'll need to produce a birth certificate to get married, right? Wonder if she's ever seen it...

blinkowl · 18/09/2016 20:20

If it was me, I wouldn't speak to my friend, not yet anyway. I'd want to find a as much evidence as possible before.

So:

  • speak to police
- can you use sarah's law?
  • speak to company
  • Internet research.
  • Do you have his last address by any chance?
  • Following up inconsistencies in his health story
  • do you know her parents? Could you share your concerns with them when you have more evidence perhaps?
beepbeeprichie · 18/09/2016 20:20

Is there any way you could meet her mum in private, for a coffee, when her parents are over? Do you know her at all? Perhaps try to explain your reservations to her mum in private? Or you mentioned your friend's best friend? Maybe the two of you get together and either engage a PI to split the cost?

blinkowl · 18/09/2016 20:21

And YY to a PI if you can afford it

Does anyone here know how much it costs for basic searches?

aLeopardanditsSpots · 18/09/2016 20:23

What would an image search do? Genuine question it's not something I really understand or would know how to use to get dirt on someone.
Op, if you go down the pi route I wouldn't imagine they will have to do much other than follow him to the pub or coffee shop. But would your friend believe that as evidence? Would she blow up at you for having her 'soul mate' followed and spied upon? I'll tell you now he will wriggle out of even that. He was working from home that week, out of office meetings, whatever.
It doesn't have to make sense to these people it just has to seem believable. The lies they will tell have no boundaries.

Ringadingdingdong22 · 18/09/2016 20:23

He sounds totally dodgy and you're right to be concerned. I sadly think she will probably find out the hard way. She is blinkered to his faults - he's manipulating her and will probably end up being emotionally abusive. If the wedding goes ahead I bet you'll find he will isolate her from her friends and family.

Be careful. God knows what kind of man he really is.

Fingers crossed his lies become apparent sooner rather than later.

QuiteLikely5 · 18/09/2016 20:28

He may be known to police. Ring them to ask their advice on the situation.

Where is his accent from? Try calling his local police force.

I suspect there is no way he will tell you his real date of birth!

Sounds like a complete fraud!

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 18/09/2016 20:29

His work would be the simplest way to catch him out op.

Is he on LinkedIn?

I would try calling the financial companies in the town and asking for him on reception. Could you find a name of a person in that company and say oh do you know such and such? See what his reaction is? Or would that be too risky?

Where are her parents? Do you know them at all?

I dated a guy years back like this, encouraged by friends who knew him at the local as a great guy. In a few months he did immense damage to my life, my finances and me. Especially when I uncovered his web of deceit.

rumred · 18/09/2016 20:33

I've experienced a few con people over the years, and illness, poor family links plus not getting paid for work are common features. There's very little anyone can do to help the victim as these people are so convincing/bonkers- i wonder if some start to believe all the bullshit themselves. By all means tell your friend your concerns but the hustler/conman will have answers ready to get her on side. And they seem to really cleverly mine their victim's pity and protectiveness, so the victim takes a long time to see through them. with 3 of the con artists I have been in contact with they claimed to have cancer- even with symptoms- its hard to call their bluff

Good luck OP

eddielizzard · 18/09/2016 20:50

i agree there is something fishy. also agree to be super nice and not give him reason to cleave you from her. maybe a quiet word with her parents at some point? as long as they don't confront him and cite you as a nonbeliever!

Spotsandstars · 18/09/2016 20:51

Are you able yourself to hire a private investigator? Maybe extreme and pricey but could be worth it to put all your minds at rest?

Nonotmenori · 18/09/2016 21:04

I do t suppose his name begins with an A does it? Sounds like someone I know.

Original poster
Pinktartan · 18/09/2016 21:06

Thank you. You have given me a lot to think about. Also thankful that it isn't just me being paranoid (even I was doubting myself a little)

OP posts:
aLeopardanditsSpots · 18/09/2016 21:28

Nono there's lots of them about unfortunately. Personal experience with two of them myself. Neither with initial A.
Upto 4%of the population have a cluster b personality disorder. They move around and change targets as often as needed which in the case of my ex is on average every 3 years. New mark, new address new job new 'friends' new pets and sometimes kids. A new target every 3-4 years leaves a lot of victims over the course of a lifetime.
I'm number 4 that I know about.

anicesitdownandshutup · 18/09/2016 21:52

Friend of mine was taken in by someone like this. He claimed to have a brain tumor and used to cry on her shoulder that he'd never see 40

Also reminds me of this article. Sorry that it's Daily Fail
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3713833/Doctor-left-penniless-tricked-168-000-conman-lover-met-Plenty-Fish.html

ethelb · 18/09/2016 22:05

You don't have to produce a birth certificate to get married, but you do have to prove you are who you say you are.
Lying when giving notice is a contempt offence and would probably invalidate the marriage if proven.

Have they given notice yet, might be tricky.

I think just proving that he isn't going to work might be all that is needed though. I hope....

notangelinajolie · 18/09/2016 22:15

Yikes... watching this with great interest. SIL is getting married in 2 weeks to a total sleazebag with the initial A Confused I am so worried for her, he controls her, puts her down at every opportunity, speaks for her and finishes her sentences. His past isn't so secret, it seems he has been divorced twice and there are numerous exes he didn't marry (lucky escapes I'd say). He has children with the ex wives and the 'lucky' exes. The very first conversation we had with him when SIL brought him round was how he clever he was at paying minimum CM for his youngest daughter. Even his own mother has warned SIL to be careful.

Hope your friend realises what she is doing before it is too late. I don't think my SIL will Sad

expatinscotland · 18/09/2016 22:15

If I could afford it, I'd hire a PI.

RealityCheque · 18/09/2016 22:18

Tineye or a Google reverse image search will NOT work properly with a screenshot. You need the actual image.

jeaux90 · 18/09/2016 22:20

Image search on Google to answer a question. You need an electronic image and load it into google search images. Sometimes you get no result, sometimes it's bingo. Caught a few catfish that way and unearthed an ex stay in prison too :)

nicenewdusters · 18/09/2016 22:31

I agree that for the meantime you should keep your friend very close.

Could you play the concerned friend next time you have them together? Say that you're so annoyed that his company is messing him around, and that a lawyer friend of yours has offered to make some discreet enquiries on your behalf. So you'll need the name of the company, his position there, whether it was a permanent contract, his start date. He won't give you any of this, but his reaction would be interesting, and your friend would be there to see it.

I also think contacting her parents is a good idea, preferably before they come over.

It's a terrible situation, your friend is lucky to have you.