Can MN give me a good retort to 'I know I could make you want it If you gave me the chance to turn you on'

[TemporarilyLost]

I'm slowly but surely making my way out of a damaging relationship and until resently had been gaining strength to say no to sex I didn't want. I managed to achieve this more or less if it's been a 'right lets fuck' type thing without foreplay. An argument that completely floors me every time however is the one I outlined in the OP. How are you meant to respond to that? I really struggle to respond to it without his feelings being hurt and tempers rising. What sort of partner turns down the offer of the other partner turning them on?

It's like I'm not even giving him a chance to show me that he might change my mind. Is it possible that sometimes you just don't want someone to try and turn you on because you're just too tired and not in the mood and feeling unattractive or is that just being stubborn and selfish to not even let them try?

OP I had a lot of sex in a previous relationship I didn't want because I thought it was easier than dealing with the anger and the sulking. It took time for me to see it wasn't normal or okay for him to put me through that.

I just want you to know you aren't alone and that you can get out of this situation (I know how hard that seems now)

Oh god he feels humiliated? He's going to teach you a lesson? He really is a piece of work isn't he? Is there anyone at all you can talk to in real life, friend, colleague, relative? If one of my friends told me your story I'd be round to fetch them to come live with me in a heartbeat. I really fear for your safety as this progresses, please get help and get away from this prick soon

A migraine is totally undetectable from the outside, but can make you unable to tolerate any touch at all...

You poor thing.

Humiliated? Sex is supposed to be pleasurable for you both. If you asked a friend if they wanted to play tennis or come out for dinner or go to the cinema, and they replied "thanks, but I don't feel like it today" then you wouldn't feel humiliated as you'd want them to enjoy your suggestion.

I hope you can get away soon.

I bet he caves and asks for it at some point before you've felt even the slightest desire yourself..... how self-absorbed can one man be? He truly does think he has golden parts that you're blessed to be permitted to sit on

I've spoken to a friend in Rl a couple of weeks ago (whoop whoop!) but gave her an edited version. I couldn't bare to go into grisly details but she knows I want to leave and said she'll support me.

jaquetta thanks for that analogy, it's makes sense completely.

ok I can see now that 'fuck off' is not a useful or safe response
I think the cup of tea analogy might appeal to his sense of himself as better than his male relatives

also agree feigning sickness spinning out your period until you can safely leave good luck

Just wondering how you are OP? Hope you are ok and working on your exit strategy

Thank you for thinking of me. I've been away on a horrible holiday with him where I felt suffocated and didn't fight off any advances. Just got terribly drunk and accepted what happens, happens. I've been lurking on a similar thread tonight and am inspired by it. We are still together but I've told another RL person. She and her and her dh have both seen behind his mask in the past and told me he's wrong and her dh even used the word abuse! She and her dh were asking me very openly the other night if I was ok and safe. I opened up a bit. He has almost agreed to me going out at the weekend with a friend who knows also so momentum is building. Mn is so useful but I'm afraid I've been using it as a bit of a crutch to rant without fear of any long standing consequences. Now more people in Rl know I'm getting there without the option of pretending I never mentioned anything.

That's good news. Telling people is a step forward. Keep going.

Having a crutch to rant isn't all bad, as it's useful for building your resolve - the fact that you're beginning to confide is great. It means you're building up your RL support network - you may or may not have felt able to open up without ranting on here, but getting it said with have helped you in some way.

IKEA's thread is extremely inspiring - I don't know if that's the one you've been lurking on. One day, you will also find the strength to step away from your abuser

Slow progress is still progress, well done, just keep on keeping on. And don't worry about the drinking, that will sort ourself out in time, when you are in a better place physically and emotionally it will all come together.

Just got terribly drunk and accepted what happens, happens this made me want to cry for you. You deserve so much better, you are worth more. I'm glad you have some RL support, but remember we're always here too. This is not normal behaviour, however he justifies it.

You're making really good progress Temporarily, just keep edging towards your goal, you will get there. Keep gathering RL support, it says a lot that your friends had noticed his behaviour. We're cheering u on as I'm sure are your RL friends

Thank you. If he agrees to my Saturday night out (he said he'll think about it), the way I'm feeling I just don't think I'll be able to tone down the bad stuff to my friend anymore. I've got a horrible feeling it's all going to come spilling out.

hiding It's funny as I'm the one with the drinking issues but when he is out and drinks too much occasionally that's when he lets his charming guard down and starts on me in front of people and this couple have seen that on a few occasions now.

Great! Well done Temp, you're moving forward.

Temp, can you move a few things out of the house in the next few days? Just some documents and/or some precious things. Doesn't mean you have to commit to leaving him, but if on Saturday you end up having such a big rant/breakdown you do decide to leave him, you'll be in a much better position.

This is real life not a porno movie - fuck off.

Oh love - this is so sad. You just spent a week getting drunk so that you could cope with being raped
Why do you think he has to give you permission to go out with a friend?

Good idea preemptive she's the one who offered as much a few weeks back.
I shouldn't need permission but someone needs to look after dd and I don't often go out without him anymore.