Can MN give me a good retort to 'I know I could make you want it If you gave me the chance to turn you on'

[TemporarilyLost]

I'm slowly but surely making my way out of a damaging relationship and until resently had been gaining strength to say no to sex I didn't want. I managed to achieve this more or less if it's been a 'right lets fuck' type thing without foreplay. An argument that completely floors me every time however is the one I outlined in the OP. How are you meant to respond to that? I really struggle to respond to it without his feelings being hurt and tempers rising. What sort of partner turns down the offer of the other partner turning them on?

It's like I'm not even giving him a chance to show me that he might change my mind. Is it possible that sometimes you just don't want someone to try and turn you on because you're just too tired and not in the mood and feeling unattractive or is that just being stubborn and selfish to not even let them try?

As in 'no, I don't want you to
kiss and touch me and be nice to my body?' This is where I trip up. Why am I not wanting that? Fair enough, no I don't want you to fuck me but I'm saying no to even the suggestion of foreplay?

to sleep free zone

You're in an abusive relationship and you need to learn to be more assertive. Never mind his feelings, what about yours? There's no need to apologise or make excuses if you don't want sex!

I really do understand that but I'm talking about tender, loving foreplay, not a quick fuck. How can you not mind someone's feelings when they are being gentle and generous?

You don't want to be touched. That includes all touching.

They are not being gentle and generous. They are being selfish and trying to pressure you into sex.

Why have you been in regular contact with Woman's Aid?

Time to wake up and smell the coffee OP.

Never was there a better occasion for the MN favourite, No is a complete sentence.

If or when you decline sex you don't need a reason, an excuse or an explanation.

I appreciate you're finding it difficult OP, but keep repeating that to yourself.

"As in 'no, I don't want you to
kiss and touch me and be nice to my body?' This is where I trip up. Why am I not wanting that? Fair enough, no I don't want you to fuck me but I'm saying no to even the suggestion of foreplay?"

Do you need a reason for you (so you understand why it's ok not to want to be touched even though it Is theoretically pleasurable) or a reason for him (to get you out of that immediate situation)?

I'm trying to think of retorts for you OP.

Please don't say fuck off or just no. You need to keep safe until the moment you can leave. (Is there a timescale on that?)

"No. I don't want to be touched."

It's your body. You don't have to allow him or anyone else to touch it when you want to be left alone. He's not doing it because he cares about you, but because he cares about servicing his dick. It's a purely selfish action on his part and nothing to do with "being nice." You aren't enjoying it, ergo it is NOT nice. It's unwanted and you have every right not to want it.

"I don't feel like being touched at all at the moment, but thanks for the offer"

He isn't trying to be kind and generous, he's coercing you, you do know that don't you?

'Wow, by saying that, I can absolutely guarantee the only thing you'd make me feel is nauseous.'

It's not that he's being tender and loving, he's just manipulating you physically. Being tender and loving would involve him not forcing to have sex against your will, and he's not doing that.

Be very careful how you behave now. The most dangerous time for women leaving abusive relationships is when they're about to leave.

Are you living with him, Temp?

I'm in touch with WA because it's come to light that it's not a great relationship and he'd be resistant to me leaving it. I'm getting support with this.

Just saying no because that's how I feel is embarrassingly a brand new concept to me but one that's resonating with me more and more.

I would never say fuck off or just no. I'm keeping things as normal as possible till the time is right. No definitive time as yet. Thanks somerville just something, practical and non confrontational.

You're allowed to not be in the mood for sex, even if it's 'nice' sex. To use the tea analogy: how can you not want a cup of tea that is being generously offered? Because wanting tea (or sex) is not triggered by someone else's good intentions! Disregarding for the moment that genuine good intentions do not involve interrogations or guilt trips.

Does he need a rational explanation that isn't about him/you but is more phisiological?
If so then perhaps you could explain it like with being tickled. If you're not in the mood to be tickled it almost hurts when someone tries. It can't be pleasurable because you already know you don't want it.

Or if it needs to be more direct than that then perhaps say that you need to feel less stressed/tired or whatever in order to be able to relax and feel pleasure but unfortunately right now you do feel stressed/tired.

How about faking recurrent severe thrush?
It's contagious so you would want him to catch it and suffer?

Yes I'm living with him and yes I know some of the sex we have is coercive. It's all new to me but I'm learning.

I understand the changing behaviours and leaving part of a relationship is dangerous and I'm not going to start being overly assertive now.

does he need a rational explanation that isn't about him YES! He doesn't get that at all.

I'm in touch with WA because it's come to light that it's not a great relationship and he'd be resistant to me leaving it.

This is quite common in an abusive relationship OP. Wishing you well and hoping you find the strength to get out.

Yes from what I read (mainly on here - I'm no expert) the run up to leaving is the most dangerous time when things can quickly escalate.
I'm so glad you're aware of that and are pre-planning what to say in situations that could kick off.
(If anything does kick off then you can phone the police at any moment. You know that I'm sure. Please do it rather than be beaten up or raped. It's what the police are there for. )

I've had a few glasses of wine after a tough week so my brain isn't on top form.

Hopefully more people will come along with experience of this who can advise. (Have you tried asking a WA advisor?)

Thank you. Unfortunately WA didn't have any well thought out, concrete yet sensitive back up reasons for the dilemma either. It was once again, no means no and no further explanation needed or if you feel threatened get out before the situation arises. Great in theory...

Great in theory and great in practise OP.