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Original poster

Can MN give me a good retort to 'I know I could make you want it If you gave me the chance to turn you on'

120 replies

TemporarilyLost · 16/09/2016 21:19

I'm slowly but surely making my way out of a damaging relationship and until resently had been gaining strength to say no to sex I didn't want. I managed to achieve this more or less if it's been a 'right lets fuck' type thing without foreplay. An argument that completely floors me every time however is the one I outlined in the OP. How are you meant to respond to that? I really struggle to respond to it without his feelings being hurt and tempers rising. What sort of partner turns down the offer of the other partner turning them on?

It's like I'm not even giving him a chance to show me that he might change my mind. Is it possible that sometimes you just don't want someone to try and turn you on because you're just too tired and not in the mood and feeling unattractive or is that just being stubborn and selfish to not even let them try?

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 16/09/2016 23:19

op, whatever you say to him on this will not find fertile ground (so to speak) because if he agree that you have a point then he will be cutting himself off from sex on tap. He sounds clever enough to know this (and to avoid admitting it to you), so he will never accept your arguments about not wanting sex. Ever.

All you can do is work towards accepting those arguments yourself, because right now it sounds like you're so mired in wanting to please him that you don't really 'feel' your own feelings very clearly.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/09/2016 23:20

If he is only really interested in getting his end away then none of your reasoning would stop him getting upset anyway would it? The only thing that would work is you "giving in".

Do you have any sex that you enjoy?

LaContessaDiPlump · 16/09/2016 23:21

In more practical terms, having an ongoing stomach bug/medical condition that you can use as a half-decent excuse for sex avoidance might be the ticket.

SarcasmMode · 16/09/2016 23:23

"Thank you but I've had a tiring day and I just want to relax right now."

"Yes sometimes I do like a kiss and a hug but right now I'd just like to watch this show on sea life, then go to sleep."

"I will let you know when I'm in the mood but being asked so often puts me off doing it."

"I wouldn't enjoy it or be able to get into it now, so I don't want to do it tonight."

It is polite but making it clear that it is not what you want.

Being pestered for sex is horrible and makes you feel really low.

I hope you can leave soon with your DC(?) and live a happier life.

JacquettaWoodville · 16/09/2016 23:26

Exactly what LaContessa said - there are no magic words because he fundamentally doesn't respect your bodily autonomy, or he'd accept any wording that added up to No Thanks.

SarcasmMode has supplied a good list but he may well push back

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 16/09/2016 23:30

You live with a man who will have sex with you when he knows you don't want it.

You want us to give you the right words to say so that when he tries it on, he will accept that you don't want to have sex with him now and he will proceed to leave you alone without any anger or further pressure or general ill feeling.

There is a reason WA couldn't give you the words. There is a reason we can't give you the words.
There is a reason you can't think of the words.

There are no words.

He doesn't respect your right to say no when he wants a yes.

He doesn't care why you don't want it.

liletsthepink · 16/09/2016 23:31

Most people are put off sex by any mention of poo or bladder problems. So I'd suggest telling him you are constipated for a few days which then leads to cystitis (caused by straining) for another few days then the treatment leads to thrush which lasts at least another few days. You can make it absolutely clear you don't want any physical contact at all because you feel ill. All of these conditions also have the added advantage that you can shut yourself away in the bathroom to get some space away from him too.

StirredNotShaken · 16/09/2016 23:32

This is actually making me feel sick. Not critical of you OP. I had this for fucking years - I would get bullied, be subjected to aggression, I was accused of rejecting him, I had pillows pulled out from under my head at 3...4am whatever. I lay there and took it or had to bear the consequences. I now feel sick that i allowed it to happen. He was a total twat and abusive. I used to ask how he could possibly enjoy it if i was not participating but ti did not deter him. He was very good at turning me on, but it was never for my gain - only for his and I feel sick to my stomach that I allowed it to happen....for a quiet life. Don't be like me.

Somerville · 16/09/2016 23:33

I think fake illnesses might be the way to go, OP.

It could buy you a few weeks, maybe.

Will your exit plan be ready by then?

iknowimcoming · 16/09/2016 23:56

I recognise you from your previous thread and am so sad to hear you are still there. I'd go with the cystitis, thrush, piles idea, anything that would make sex uncomfortable without having any physical signs or symptoms he could look for (something tells me he'd want proof). This will, I'm sure, only buy you a small amount of time, try and get out before the time is up.

There is no shame on you for leaving this man, please believe that, people will want to help if you let them. You and your dd will be so much happier away from him. I kind of understand why you're stalling the leaving bit but I'm sorry to say that I don't think it will get any easier the longer you leave it. Take a deep breath and take the plunge. I'm sending you strength and a hug to do what you need to do. Good luck Flowers

MrHannahSnell · 17/09/2016 00:38

How about "Not with a crap line like that you won't."

MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 17/09/2016 00:57

What does he say if you ask him why he feels the need to coerce you? What does he say when you ask him why your feelings don't matter?

JillyTheDependableBoot · 17/09/2016 01:48

"Why do you want to have sex with me when I've just told you I don't want it?"

Curious541 · 17/09/2016 02:07

"Ooh why, have you googled/read up on how to do it properly?" ;)

MumblePuppy · 17/09/2016 03:03

Agree that some kind of nether region illness is the way to go. Best to get out in front of the offer to "turn you on" by faking illness than finding the perfect response to the offer. If he offers to turn you on anyway, you can remind him of the illness.

joellevandyne · 17/09/2016 03:21

"I'm quite sure how I feel, and I don't need to test it."

"I don't want it right now, and that includes not wanting to be 'made to' want it either. Please respect how I feel."

"I enjoy kissing and cuddling, but I don't enjoy them when it's clear that they're being used as a means to an end. It makes me feel pressured, which is the opposite of how I feel when I am actually in the mood."

TheNaze73 · 17/09/2016 07:54

I really cannot understand how anyone would want to DTD, with a partner that doesn't want to? He's treating you like a sex aid & nothing else. I wouldn't be looking for witty retorts here, the words fuck off are sufficient. Why are you even with him?

MephistoMarley · 17/09/2016 08:18

TheNaze that's exactly why some men want this type of sex, it's a power issue. It may not be as simple as enjoying the fact that she's not enjoying it, it may be more like 'I'm so sexy and she loves me so much that I can make her orgasm/let me fuck her even though she wasn't turned on at the start, go me, I'm a stud' - kind of the same thinking that men who pay for prostituted women go through when they convince themselves she's enjoying it. It's a narcissistic trait; the woman's wishes are irrelevant as long as he can make himself feel awesome and powerful.

Froginapan · 17/09/2016 08:33

There isn't an answer that will work. No answer you give will afford him a sudden urge to respect you, love you, see you as a human being separate from him with your own thoughts, feelings and desires.

There is nothing you can do except leave - which I appreciate takes time.

In the mean time is there possibly any way you can stay out of the house when he's home as much as possible? That's not really a solution I know, but it might give you some breathing space?

Original poster
TemporarilyLost · 17/09/2016 09:12

I'm getting much better at resisting obviously selfish sex from him. I think what I struggle with in the senario I posted is that I feel he has a good argument. He is offering to give me pleasure as well which he is capable of doing and who turns down the opportunity to experience something nice?
I've tried explaining it in the sence of turning down a night out because even though you'd probably enjoy yourself once you're out, it's cold and rainy and you just want to stay in and eat ice cream. He looks at me like Hmm.

I think the posters saying I'm not going to find the magic words to make him understand and turn into the perfect, respecting partner are right. I'm after something impossible. I almost need to convince myself it's ok and not rude to reject him at this point. I've had and am having a lot of support to realise this. Guilt is a useless but powerful emotion.

In the meantime you've given me some good explanations to give him, thank you.

OP posts:
MatildaOfTuscany · 17/09/2016 09:34

I think there are two separate issues - one, what to say to him from a purely practical level, and two, what is going on in your own head.

Short term, on a practical level, there are excellent suggestions here - the "constipated, then cystitis from straining, then thrush from the antibiotics" line seems excellent to buy you a couple of weeks.

Second, for when you have got out of this relationship, you need help, probably counselling, to get your head round the fact that you're allowed to say "this is my body, and I am allowed to say who touches it - even if the touching is not sexual, even if the touching is genuinely kindly meant (and your current partner is a million miles from genuine kindness - it's pretend kindness to guilt you to get what he wants), even if saying no would mean the other person felt hurt (and that hurt is their problem, not mine) - it's my body, and I get to decide." Because I get the impression this guy's done such a number on you you can't actually see that it's your body therefore your say-so.

MephistoMarley · 17/09/2016 09:47

Chocolate cake is lovely. It's delicious! Who wouldn't want chocolate cake every time it's offered? Just eaten a huge meal? Have some chocolate cake! About to go for a run? Have some chocolate cake! What do you mean you don't fancy chocolate cake right now? Chocolate cake is delicious and you love it! How can you reject my homemade chocolate cake? I'm only trying to give you something nice!

PurpleWithRed · 17/09/2016 09:50

It is most certainly OK and not rude to reject him. It is very rude and not OK of him to want to make you have sex you don't want. Making you enjoy it is him controlling you at an even deeper level.

It is inevitable that he will kick off when you leave him. Just build up your resources and brace yourself - it's like childbirth, messy and painful and scary at the time but all over relatively quickly and SO worth it in the end.

category12 · 17/09/2016 09:52

It's OK, and it's not rude to turn him down. If someone offers you cake, you don't have to eat it, even if you really like cake usually. (Which is a variation on the tea and consent video).

"Because I don't want to be talked into something, I've already said I don't want." (What are you, a pushy salesman? I don't want any. .)

"Because I want to actively want sex, not be persuaded into it."

Guiltypleasures001 · 17/09/2016 10:18

How about I'll call the police if you touch me without consent?