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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

AIBU? Finally feel like I have snapped with him. Over bloody Pizza.

129 replies

LucLuc · 16/09/2016 18:00

Had a LONG day yesterday for various reasons. Husband NEVER cooks, washes up, irons, cleans ect. Anyway. I was run of my feet and last night gave our 2 children Pizza and salad for quickness, whilst I got on with chores ect. Gets to 9pm and I realise I am STARVING. Haven't eaten all day. So whilst he is supping his sodding beer in the conservatory, I ask if he is hungry, and would he like a Pizza? He say's he isn't hungry due to large work lunch. I then tell him I am going to eat an entire Pizza on the sofa, in front of TV as I'm starving and knackered. He tells me to knock myself out ect. Anyway, I ask him again if he is sure he doesn't want me to put one in for him to. For the second time he declines. I'm in the other room sorting PE kits, when he calls out my Pizza is ready and offers to take it out of the oven. I walk into the kitchen and he has 2 plates out and comments ''Don't mind if I eat half of this do you? It smells nice''......

So. This is when things went to shit. I tell him I haven't eaten all day, and was really looking forward to tucking in BUT as the oven is hot, I offered to throw one in for him, and told him it would only take 10 mins to cook. He then called me 'Selfish' and stormed upstairs after a lot of huffing and puffing, and he actually slammed a door and muttered 'Fuck You Then!'

He will be back from work in a couple of hours, and I want to talk to him about it. He seems very emotionally immature (been together 18yrs) and he's getting worse with age. I know the Pizza scenario sounds ridiculous, but his behaviour is often like that. Problem is, eldest heard the exchange last night and commented today 'Rather you than me Mum listening to that!' I guess my point is. I am fucking drained. As a couple we have dealt with infidelity, bereavement, redundancy, depression, illness ect.....I just feel exhausted. I have suggested couples counselling. He won't do it. I often feel like I am flogging a dead horse. Anyway. This is my first thread, so go easy. FYI. My thin crust pepperoni Pizza was sodding delicious.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 16/09/2016 22:58

clam, if only my anger was suppressed!

whattodowiththepoo · 16/09/2016 23:24

YABU for not eating all day, he is being even more unreasonable for presuming he can eat what you have.

My DP always seems to do this and it isn't a deal breaker for us but it might be for you.

takesnoprisoners · 17/09/2016 07:02

18 years together, you enabled this behaviour. That is why I asked if you could not let him share? Like clam said, make HIM turn the oven back on and cook the next one.

Original poster
LucLuc · 17/09/2016 08:57

Not sure why my kids have been mentioned like this?! They both help with chores. However, if they are doing coursework I'm not going to drag them away to help me. Both leave at 7.30 for school, and don't get home till 4-5pm. I don't see it as their job to wash and iron their stuff....That's mine. They help in other ways, and that's cool.

OP posts:
Blu · 17/09/2016 09:13

It's the communication and attitude.

Had he said 'oh, the smell of that has made me change my mind now, I'm going to put one in the oven ' or even 'can I borrow a slice of yours while mine cooks?' Then fine.

But he decided to take half without asking first. He had his plate out.

Assumptions that he can just take what he wants and do what he wants and that he sets the boundaries according to his feelings. About household jobs, fidelity or food.

His boundaries, no thought for others feelings.

The pizza was not the straw that broke the camel's back but an example of his selfish, entitled behavior. A microcosm of the marriage. And the power balance.

QuiteLikely5 · 17/09/2016 09:24

You have set the bar too low for yourself OP, you seem like some sort of domestic god and whilst you think you like that role and are happy to do it then I think you need to understand your husband does not respect you for doing it.

You're almost like the housekeeper- there to serve his needs etc? Why would he consider you when in reality he has no experience of that as it is you who is doing all the considering of others in the house?

He is clearly taking you for granted and showing a lack of respect for your role within the home

Cabrinha · 17/09/2016 09:27

Lazy goady pizza stealer.

But you've skirted away from the infidelity which I assume was his?

That showed you who he was. Why would a man who doesn't care about staying faithful to you (s big thing) care about being kind to you over day to day things?

PurpleWithRed · 17/09/2016 09:32

You posted here because you know things have gone too far.

Go and get some counselling on your own so you can work through what you want and how to make it happen.

roundtable · 17/09/2016 09:37

Have I missed the post where the op said it was her husband that was unfaithful in the marriage?

bluebellsparklypants · 17/09/2016 09:44

Guess I feel I am always thoughtful with him. But don't get a lot of that back. Generally, he's a really nice guy. But he can be incredibly snappy/goading

Can totally get that sounds exactly like my DP plus doesn't do anything around the house (if ever offers to help he'l end up whinging & digging about it). Your not alone.
I think being a happy/positive/ easy going person gets taken for granted & your always expected to be the one that just gets on with it. Very Envy
Try and talk it through with him let him know your DC heard it & shame him for that

alphabook · 17/09/2016 09:45

DH doesn't like pizza. Will tell me he doesn't want any. Guaranteed every single time I make myself an oven pizza he'll have at least 2 slices. Irritating, but not the end of the world. But this a relationship where we share the cooking and housework, neither of us feels like a skivvy. It's the general attitude rather than the pizza stealing that's the issue.

Original poster
LucLuc · 17/09/2016 09:45

The infidelity thing people have asked me to comment on was extremely complicated and unusual. Not the typical type of infidelity posts you may otherwise see on here. It's also all in the past. I can say, fidelity is not an issue between us. But yep. He has to start helping out more, and I do call him out on be 'selfish'. I went to bed early-ish last night and he ordered a curry. Containers and mess everywhere this morning, rice on the floor. He's still snoozing, so may wake him up with a gentle saucepan around the head ;) x

OP posts:
0SometimesIWonder · 17/09/2016 09:49

Please tell me you're not going to clean up the takeaway mess op ?

CalleighDoodle · 17/09/2016 09:54

I said last week if i was to divore my husband it would be for leavingg empty coathangers in the wardrobes. It isnt that the empty coathangers alone are sorthy of divorce (although how fucking difficult is it to take the coathanger out at the same time as the item?!) but it would be the final straw. The pizza is your final straw. The rest of it is the cheating, the laziness, and his general shitty attitude to you. Go out and dont clean up. If you het home and it is still there you know he doesnt give a crap about you.

category12 · 17/09/2016 09:56

"Containers and mess everywhere this morning, rice on the floor."

Christ, he really has no respect at all for you.

janethegirl2 · 17/09/2016 09:57

Where would you put extra coat hangers? I take the item off the hanger and return said hanger to wardrobe.

Fidelia · 17/09/2016 10:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RaRaRamona · 17/09/2016 10:12

This thread makes me sad. I suspect many long marriages are like this....they stumble along largely due to everyday life, work, family and general fatigue and then a smallish issue can cause a major upset due to the real issues not being addressed.
He may say he loves you 20 times a day, but does he show it?
And was it you who was the unfaithful one OP?
It certainly looks like that, in that you are grateful to him for forgiving you perhaps?

GabsAlot · 17/09/2016 10:21

whatever u do dont clean up his mess

it might drive u mad but just dont-he nees to step up

DoreenLethal · 17/09/2016 10:27

Not only does he have no respect, it is a big 'FUCK YOU' to the OP for daring to say no over the pizza.

Wake him up with a gentle saucepan? How can you even joke about this? He is taking the piss out of you OP.

Original poster
LucLuc · 17/09/2016 10:29

Oh lordy. Theres no problem with regards to infidelity. And any speculation isn't relevant to my original post. An no. I'm not bloody cleaning the mess!

OP posts:
happypoobum · 17/09/2016 10:33

Not the usual sort of infidelity?

Christ he really does have you thinking he's so special doesn't he?

angryangryyoungwoman · 17/09/2016 10:47

It all sounds a bit depressing to me. I'd rather be in a mutually respectful relationship as life is short. You have only given a snapshot and a few examples but from what you have said, you care more about him than he does for you.

Only1scoop · 17/09/2016 10:52

I wouldn't when pour a selfish lazy arse like this a glass of water.
Let alone warm a pizza.
Beggars belief how some people have such low expectations of their partners.

Only1scoop · 17/09/2016 10:52

'Even'