AIBU? Finally feel like I have snapped with him. Over bloody Pizza.

[LucLuc]

Had a LONG day yesterday for various reasons. Husband NEVER cooks, washes up, irons, cleans ect. Anyway. I was run of my feet and last night gave our 2 children Pizza and salad for quickness, whilst I got on with chores ect. Gets to 9pm and I realise I am STARVING. Haven't eaten all day. So whilst he is supping his sodding beer in the conservatory, I ask if he is hungry, and would he like a Pizza? He say's he isn't hungry due to large work lunch. I then tell him I am going to eat an entire Pizza on the sofa, in front of TV as I'm starving and knackered. He tells me to knock myself out ect. Anyway, I ask him again if he is sure he doesn't want me to put one in for him to. For the second time he declines. I'm in the other room sorting PE kits, when he calls out my Pizza is ready and offers to take it out of the oven. I walk into the kitchen and he has 2 plates out and comments ''Don't mind if I eat half of this do you? It smells nice''......

So. This is when things went to shit. I tell him I haven't eaten all day, and was really looking forward to tucking in BUT as the oven is hot, I offered to throw one in for him, and told him it would only take 10 mins to cook. He then called me 'Selfish' and stormed upstairs after a lot of huffing and puffing, and he actually slammed a door and muttered 'Fuck You Then!'

He will be back from work in a couple of hours, and I want to talk to him about it. He seems very emotionally immature (been together 18yrs) and he's getting worse with age. I know the Pizza scenario sounds ridiculous, but his behaviour is often like that. Problem is, eldest heard the exchange last night and commented today 'Rather you than me Mum listening to that!' I guess my point is. I am fucking drained. As a couple we have dealt with infidelity, bereavement, redundancy, depression, illness ect.....I just feel exhausted. I have suggested couples counselling. He won't do it. I often feel like I am flogging a dead horse. Anyway. This is my first thread, so go easy. FYI. My thin crust pepperoni Pizza was sodding delicious.

Why should OP have felt she should give him half of her dinner Grumpy, then instead of relaxing with a G&T after eating it, (after a day being run ragged and no time to eat) jump straight up to check the following pizza was done?

'D'H had already said he was too tired to wait 10 minutes, so presumably the poor lamb would have fallen asleep eating half of OP's dinner anyway? And added to that, the sheer effort of him having to take something out of the oven may have rendered him too exhausted to go to work the following day.

Maybe OP should have done the wifely thing, and said, "No dear, have my dinner, because my needs don't matter".

I'm not carrying on a disagreement. I responded to another poster. I can only apologise if it looks like i was doing that.

Although i've just disagreed haven't I?

See, I'd have been bloody fuming, that he was just sat, relaxing with a beer, while you were flat out, and exhausted. That is before you even go into the whole pizza debacle. In what way exactly is he a lovely guy? I am really not seeing any evidence of that here!

He, and your kids need to step up.
Why on earth are you hand feeding teenagers.. Let them sort out their own PE kits.

And as for your third child, he is NOT a nice guy. Words are cheap. Saying I love you doesn't mean a damn if he doesn't treat you as an equal.

That is indeed a dead horse you're flogging. Stop.

Selfish, spoilt brattish, twerp. What a prize. I suppose he thinks you're lucky to have him?

Get thee to a counsellor.

He had time to unwind but went from 0-80 and FU and door slamming over a pizza. I don't suppose he treats colleagues to that sort of petulance.

Even if he's out at work/commuting he is still capable of pitching in at weekends at least. (Not saying he does this but some people do delay work to be sure of avoiding sharing domestic tasks). On occasions when you were ill did things grind to a halt? I know that couples often say well, the home/child(ren) is my domain, and s/he takes care of the rest, especially if one partner is a stay-at-home-parent, sorry missed if you work outside home too. But if there's a touch of Jekyll and Hyde it makes it look like your H is used to a particular hierarchy with him high above you. Soothing you with a few easy compliments is a lot simpler than saying, "Tired, love? Here, let me do that!"

I agree, if your DCs are teens they can lift a finger to help, whatever example their father sets.

I too don't understand why you are doing so much for the kids too when they are teenagers. What chores do they do?

misses the point completely

Generally, he's a really nice guy. But he can be incredibly snappy/goading almost every day.

No, sorry, it's one or the other. He's either generally nice, or he snaps at you and goads you almost every day.

It's hard to gage sometimes what's 'normal' after such a long relationship.

I am married nearly 25 years. My husband is even kinder to me now that he was at the beginning of our relationship. Ditto for me. Our relationship has its ups and downs but in general it feels like a safe, funny, interesting friendship - no strops, no taking out moods on the other person, no entitlement, both of us try to contribute as much as we can to the household.

What would bother me about your story isn't so much him deciding to take half your food (well that would have bothered me too) but his reaction afterwards. He had a temper tantrum and stormed off saying shitty thing - over a pizza belonging to someone else. I think your teen has it nailed - who'd want to live with that?

I think you should go to counselling by yourself and focus on what you want out of your life and relationships. If you children are teens, there is a new chapter of life around the corner. You should decide how you want to spend it.

Ratspeaker said..

^He sounds a tad self centred.

But I notice you say your children are teenagers.

They should be sorting out their own PE kit.
They could be making pizza and salad.

You need to start delegating.

Tell the kids they need to this or that.
And tell your husband too^

Really, really sorry OP but I read this and thought this would make great lyrics to a song, maybe a Rihanna with some R&B or perhaps a Selena Gomez.

Sia could make it.

where is ImperialBlether when I need her?

OMG... I cannot believe I posted that.
Sorry, too much

We all have our moments of I think selfishness op (I think).
The question is do his moments of selfishness out weigh his moments of consideration?

What's the back story?
He sounds abusive to me. One of those men that like to keep you on tenterhooks so you don't know whether your coming or going and using the same old "love you" rhetoric to keep you bound to him.
He's not a nice man.
It's good that your DC can see how bad he is.

And isn't it strange what we remember as kids?
How old were you Rubbish mantra when your dad are your trifle? We remember such small details about our lives. We need to remember the impact that our behaviour will have on our kids and I wonder what impact your DH behaviour has had on your DC

It's so hard to comment on posts about relationship issues, because the real situation is always so much more complex than you can communicate in a post.

Do you really feel he loves you and cares about you? Be completely honest with yourself. Are you doing all this stuff for him and putting up with his shitty disrespectful behaviour because you have kids with him and you are trying to hold it all together and keep the peace? Are you afraid that if you put your foot down he will turn away, and you will have to acknowledge his true feelings (ultimately, that your relationship will fall apart?)

Or, do you think he loves and cares about you but has other personality issues that cause him to behave this way? Does he listen to you when you tell him why his behaviour is unreasonable and how it makes you feel? Does he show remorse?

It sounds like the status quo suits him. You do a lot for him and he doesn't have as many chores to do. If you don't give him what he needs he insults you and goes off in a huff. Then - as you state above - you are there waiting for him so you can discuss it when he returns. His manipulative sulking behaviour (that is what it is) obviously works for him or he wouldn't do it. Perhaps there are no real negative cosequences for him when he behaves that way.

(I once had a sulker, and as soon as I stopped caring about his sulking behaviour and actually told him to leave and not come back that evening if he was going to sulk, he soon put a stop to it).

The only way to change things is to change your own behaviour. I don't know enough about your relationship to know what those changes could be, but, say for example, not being there when he returns home after he has done something mean and stormed out. Distribute the household jobs more fairly between you, etc (leave particular jobs for him or give him a specific chore). This will give you an answer to my above questions. If he no longer cares loves you, he will not adjust his own behaviour or be particularly bothered. You then have a decision to make (depending perhaps on how healthy it is for your children to remain witness to a loveless relationship .v. how damaging it would be to split the family up .v. how much more you can take).

If he really cares, he will wonder what the hell is going on and change his behaviour because he will be concerned that he may lose you if he continues down this same path.

Or continue as you are....

Twat. Been there, done that and certainly won't wear the unwashed, un-ironed t-shirt.

ImperialBlether, See, your tale about the bath has ENRAGED me on your behalf. How dare he?
But ... I'm imagining that scenario in this household. I'd have confronted him and said, "Where's my bathwater?" If he'd dismissed it (So what? Who cares? It's only a bath. Run another one), I'd have said, "but it's my bath. You had one last night. Please don't ever do that again."

I can't imagine how so many people would let something like that pass. I'm not surprised you still have The Rage about it years after the event. Suppressed anger?

YANBU

Yes you are flogging a dead horse.

What are you going to do about it?

uhm, turn oven back on, share this one and the next. Both of you get to eat piping hot pizza. Is that too much to do?

Or, here's an idea, how about HE turns the fucking oven back on and cooks the OP another one to share?

takesnoprisoners. You seem to have missed the point somewhat. 🙄

Tell him he's on household duty this weekend: washing/ironing/cleaning/dinner etc. Can he not see that sitting with his beer while you do everything, getting hungrier and hungrier, isn't OK?
Do you end up just doing what he wants to avoid his grumpy stroppiness?
'Cause that's not love. That's twattery at best and abuse at worst!
Hope he can start to show the love he keeps talking about, rather than showing you contempt.

These threads always go this way: there's a spouse behaving like a twat and not pulling their weight around the house and every single time someone will pop up and ask how hard it would be for the OP to "just do the washing up. How hard is it? Won't take a minute. You're being petty," thus perpetuating the problem with the (usually) husband continuing to get away with doing fuck all.

uhm, turn oven back on, share this one and the next. Both of you get to eat piping hot pizza. Is that too much to do

Yes. It is. It's not about sharing a pizza.