Dating dilemma. Are these red flags?

[jaffacakesaremyfave]

Went on a date with a guy I've been chatting to for a while on Tinder and it went well.....too well that we ended up sleeping together-- even though I promised myself I wouldn't go there on a first date.

He was very complimentary on the date, kept telling me over and over how beautiful I am, I'm exactly the type of women he wants a relationship with to the point where it made me abit uncomfortable.

After we DTD he stayed over and cuddled me until morning. He kept squeezing me and telling me how lucky he is to have met me. It was all abit over the top and I'm pretty sure this is a red flag although he was quite convincing that he was genuinely just wearing his heart on his sleeve.

We met up again last night (and DTD again) and again he went on and on, trying to get me to agree to be exclusive and come off tinder. He said he's already deleted the app before this conversation but he still appears on my message list (so hasn't deactivated his profile).

He again stayed the night and cuddled me, and again went over the top with the compliments. He also text me as soon as he left saying sorry to keep me up and text me later in the day.

The problem is, I can't decide whether he is a genuine guy who doesn't have a clue with women and really is smitten (he's 35 so not that likely) or whether this is some sort of well rehearsed game?

He text me when I was at work asking for a selfie or me in my uniform and never asked how my day was etc. He doesn't really ask me many questions about my life. He rushing things.

Brutal honest opinion needed, what do you think is his MO?

Well I did reply when I saw it and said that I'm sorry but I can't see a relationship with him and we could just stay friends (as in distant texting once a month friends)

Here was his response:

I can't just be friends with you Jaffa. I'm into you too much. I'm just going through a rough patch. I'm just holding it all together coz I can never fall short for my kids. I do want to get to know you and everything about you. I can't just let you go. I just can't.

Scary stuff

Jaffa, this is where you walk away as fast and as far as you can. His response is scary and scary only gets worse. Please tell me that you recognise the manipulation going on in his reply. It is ridden with classic danger signs.

Please don't feel sorry for him he is VERY VERY BAD NEWS. Walking now is your way of breaking your old patterns. Please don't reply and delete any contact.

Why on earth did you offer to stay friends?

Don't worry Emrald, I recognise how controlling and manipulative this is and I have blocked and deleted.

I felt sorry for him Memphis, at this point he'd not sent the creepy messages (well as creepy anyway)

Take theses and see how it goes

Then you need to reply something to the effect of "in that case, I'm calling it off entirely. Do not contact me again."

He's given you a golden opportunity to rescind the "friends" offer (which I'd like to believe was only you being polite anyway). Grab it with both hands and shed this git from your lovely life.

Don't worry, the following was all this morning before I posted.

I actually replied

I totally get that you are in a shitty place right now. You asked me for money though which just shows you feel comfortable doing that and it's just wrong. And you saying you can't let me go sounds really controlling I'm afraid.

His reply was

I see I'll never win... The cement is not set on the 'let you go' statement so yeah, I think I'm good to let you go. I'd have had no problems with you asking me to borrow ten quid Jaffa. It's not like I asked you to pay my rent or car insurance. You know what? Let's just forget it. Saying I can't just let you go is controlling? Wow!! Well.., you've been let go.👍🏼

I didn't reply to that one and just deleted.

Why are you even still responding to this knobber.

You've basically just let him dump you. . FFS don't engage any further with him, or I can see you'll end up on another date with him .

This was all in the morning Sheldon, before I posted on MN.

I'm not really bothered if he thinks he dumped me. As long as I'm out of the situation.

He's been blocked and deleted now

Good job. Turns out they were red flags. Always trust your instinct

Sheesh. What a twat.

I hate that he thinks he's dumped you, but small price to pay for never hearing from him again.*

Meh, move on. You've got this. Proud of you!

• Except, I'm now opening a pool. He will be back in touch, hhhm, two weeks from last night. Anybody want to wager on earlier or later?

Hahaha... love him letting you go, cement not dry? COCK!

'Red flags. Doesn't care about you the person. He cares about having a woman shaped person to do the romance checklist with. If you do something that doesn't fit his image of what a woman is or aren't appreciative enough of his checklist romance, you'll see the real him I reckon.'

/\ THIS

Sorry, I only read the first page before posting.

What a shit. There is no "10 second rule" on dropped comments.

Jaffa, if you haven't already discovered Bye Felipe, do a Google Images search. I think it's on Instagram. Great therapy and both funny and grrr-inducing. Highly recommended.

I am reading the Goodbye Felipe Instagram pictures in a transient state of horror and hilarity.

OP enjoys a peaceful night. Without a potential sociopath.

Ten quid for flowers. You're worth more than that.

I had that - although didn't meet on tinder. Still with him 4 years later.

I saw byefelipe a few months ago Premtive, it's shocking!! Well not that shocking after being on tinder for a few months.

I know it's a bit pathetic but I broke down about everything today. Drove my kids swimming and forgot to get change for the parking meter which was just the last straw.

However much I try to be strong and independent and happy by myself, all I really want is to meet someone great and be happy (although it bugs every part of my feminist mindset).

I know it's not true but it just feels that everyone else finds it so easy to meet someone nice and I'm stuck in limbo dating losers.

I'm 31.....when is it ever going to be my turn

And I hope he doesn't contact me again but I'm betting by the end of the weekend

I know it's a bit pathetic but I broke down about everything today. Drove my kids swimming and forgot to get change for the parking meter which was just the last straw.

A good blub is cathartic. That one was probably long overdue. And you'll look back to it and grin "can you believe I started crying over a freaking parking meter?!?..."

Just keep in mind that if you were still letting the last if the big spenders mess with your mind, a parking meter blub wouldn't be a patch on the angst you'd be experiencing within a fairly short amount of time, by the looks of things. At least this blubbing is temporary.

Thank you Preemptive, and thank you for all the sound advice on this thread from all you lovely mumsnetters!!!

I definitely dodged a bullet with this one

Oh, and 31 ain't all that old. Heck, you've already had your children. I didn't meet DP until I was in my late 30s. The fates will align when you're good and ready, and any sign that the haven't yet is no reflection on you.

Just a Sunday morning hug there.