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Original poster

Dating dilemma. Are these red flags?

121 replies

jaffacakesaremyfave · 13/09/2016 18:04

Went on a date with a guy I've been chatting to for a while on Tinder and it went well.....too well that we ended up sleeping together-- even though I promised myself I wouldn't go there on a first date.

He was very complimentary on the date, kept telling me over and over how beautiful I am, I'm exactly the type of women he wants a relationship with to the point where it made me abit uncomfortable.

After we DTD he stayed over and cuddled me until morning. He kept squeezing me and telling me how lucky he is to have met me. It was all abit over the top and I'm pretty sure this is a red flag although he was quite convincing that he was genuinely just wearing his heart on his sleeve.

We met up again last night (and DTD again) and again he went on and on, trying to get me to agree to be exclusive and come off tinder. He said he's already deleted the app before this conversation but he still appears on my message list (so hasn't deactivated his profile).

He again stayed the night and cuddled me, and again went over the top with the compliments. He also text me as soon as he left saying sorry to keep me up and text me later in the day.

The problem is, I can't decide whether he is a genuine guy who doesn't have a clue with women and really is smitten (he's 35 so not that likely) or whether this is some sort of well rehearsed game?

He text me when I was at work asking for a selfie or me in my uniform and never asked how my day was etc. He doesn't really ask me many questions about my life. He rushing things.

Brutal honest opinion needed, what do you think is his MO?

OP posts:
TheLastRoseOfSummer · 13/09/2016 19:52

He is full of shit.

He knows that you're wondering if he's sincere, or whether he's seeing other women, or whether he's just after sex... so he's deflecting these questions back at you about yourself. It's a ploy to reassure you that he's not like that without even having to say so. ("how could he be doing those things when he's so worried that I might be..." type of thing)

And ask yourself why you had sex with a man on a first date when a) you had promised yourself you wouldn't and b) he made you feel uncomfortable with his insincere and over the top 'compliments'.

It just doesn't sound very sincere to me and I wouldn't like it. I would dump him.

I went on a date with someone I met on a dating website once and I was quite agreeable to a second date until he told me he was deactivating his profile and started referring to 'us' (after one date). Far too much. I blocked him.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 13/09/2016 19:53

SheldonsSpot is absolutely right.

Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 13/09/2016 19:57

We were chatting for a couple of weeks. He never double texts and isn't pushy, I don't feel uncomfortable around him.

Here was his response to me telling him to back off

My intentions are no more than true to detesting ever hurting you. No more atonement emphasis on the physical from me. I promise. You're not and never will be an object to me and I'm sorry I made you feel that way.

What do you think?

OP posts:
BreatheDeep · 13/09/2016 19:58

Reading all this makes me very glad I'm not on tinder! I'd get used and ditched all over the place probably! Too naive Blush

PrimarySchoolQ · 13/09/2016 19:58

Nope nope nope. Very easy to say the words, not so easy to do the actions. He says he cares about you as more than an object but then never asks about you with interest.

BreatheDeep · 13/09/2016 19:59

He's wordy isn't he?!

darthpaul · 13/09/2016 20:01

Ah I think you should give him a break. Maybe he's just sensitive, likes you more than other women he has met recently, and wants to make you feel good about yourself and is trying to go out of his way to talk the emotional stuff because he thinks that is what all women want. You can analyse until the cows come home but you won't know what he is really like or what he really thinks of you until you've been on several dates and settled into being around one another, when the nerves and attempts to impress have faded away. Men can never get it right, they are either disinterested, or insincerely interested, pushy or distant, we can pick them apart but our musing probably say more about us and our prior experiences than it does about them!

PushingThru · 13/09/2016 20:01

He's beginning to sound a bit unbalanced from that last message!

LoveRosie2008 · 13/09/2016 20:02

I hope he's not on MN!

donajimena · 13/09/2016 20:02

I'm on the fence. My partner was a bit like this when we met and whilst it was lovely the sirens were screeching.
I even posted on here with a similar thread. I had varying advice from Run, definitely a red flag, and take your time.
Take your time (imo) doesn't necessarily mean don't see them if you want to see them. Just watch and wait. Do their actions match their words?
E.g I'll take you to that gig? Does the gig materialise.?
Does he propose or agree to nights out?

If he only wants to meet at home I'd bin him off.
Fwiw our second date was at home because it was a weekday and we really wanted to see each other. We've travelled, danced and dined out many times since!
People unfold. If there is nothing in your gut that is telling you its an unsafe situation unfortunately its a case of time revealing their true character.
I'm still with my partner over 18months. I nearly binned him off because he bought me flowers a week after I met him Confused
However an ex before him did the same and was a complete and utter psychopath (Not kidding) hence my guard.

SheldonsSpot · 13/09/2016 20:03

I think he thinks he's Shakespeare or something, but actually he's a pretentious wanker.

donajimena · 13/09/2016 20:04

Ok seen your update. Hmmm Hmm

PushingThru · 13/09/2016 20:06

"Men can never get it right" - of course they can, most of them have a completely normal & balanced attitude to meeting a stranger & progressing a relationship in an appropriate way. Most people don't exist at the polar points of either distant or smothering - just a minority.

LoveRosie2008 · 13/09/2016 20:06

Is he actually Shakespeare?

EarthboundMisfit · 13/09/2016 20:08

I am on the fence too, leaning slightly towards he's really, really into you and not playing you.

Perhaps you do just click real!y well.

BUT I'd be worried by the speed and by how he hasn't asked you much about yourself. Is he so keen to be in love that he'll fall for someone immediately whatever?

Has he done this before? Is he honest?

WHY is he so keen to move so fast? What is he even looking for in a relationship and does it fit with what you want? Is the insistence on exclusivity a bit controlling?

EarthboundMisfit · 13/09/2016 20:09

Oh jeez. That last text is really odd.

greenlolly · 13/09/2016 20:09

How much would you kick yourself if you binned him and he was actually being genuine?

It is OTT and would put me off. You can either carry on for a bit, see if he tones it down and continues to come across as genuine. Or you can bail now. Ultimately it depends how much you like him. I don't think there's necessarily any reason to sprint for the hills right now as long as you keep your eyes open if you decide to give it more time.

Buzzardbird · 13/09/2016 20:11

Very Downton Abbey, but sounds lovely to me.

blinkowl · 13/09/2016 20:12

I think we don't have enough information to go on (ie none of us have met him!) to say he's insincere.

A fuck load of projection on this thread IMO.

I've dated two guys who professed their love for me really quickly. One of them turned out to be an abusive controlling are hole.

The other evolved into a ten year relationship with a man I loved. The relationship didn't work out in the end, we became more siblings than lovers. He is still one of my dearest friends.

OP please don't decide he's not for you on the basis of this thread alone. Lists to your instincts, you've met him. This could be red flags or he could be for real.

If I was you I'd proceed with caution, listen to your gut. Oh and enjoy yourself!

crayfish · 13/09/2016 20:20

Keep an eye on it but don't bin him off right away. My DH is very soppy (more than I am generally comfortable with!) but it's just the way he is, this guy might be the same. On the other hand, my friend dated a guy that started the same as you and within six weeks he was unmasked as a completely abusive control freak. But all under the guise of 'loving her'. You know - 'no you cant wear that dress out Susan, you are too beautiful for other men to see you in it', I only get jealous because I love you Susan', 'no you shouldn't see your friends Susan, you should spend all your time with me because they don't love you like I do'.

You get the idea. (Her name isn't Susan by the way).

Watch him and don't have dates at home the next couple of times and don't have sex. Then reassess.

Original poster
jaffacakesaremyfave · 13/09/2016 20:20

I really am so confused. I do like him enough to give him a chance. He's definitely not a pretentious wanker though (met plenty of those before) and most of his texts are very normal chit chat. He's self effacing and makes himself the butt of his own jokes, talks about his children with such love and understanding. He is trying to impress me, that's for sure but it's the intentions behind it that I worry about.

I really hope he is genuine as he has a lot of the qualities I'm looking for and we have the same goals (if he's being genuine).

I will feel so bad about posting his messages in this thread if he turns out to be genuine. How can I get it deleted after today?

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 13/09/2016 20:24

He's really not going to see this thread is he?

darthpaul · 13/09/2016 20:27

Report your own thread if you want it deleted.

My DH is soppy as hell and still tells me a thousand times a day how beautiful I am Grin I still find it unnerving years on but he truly means it. He told me he loved me after 7 weeks of dating (I didn't say it back for months) but told me later he'd decided I was 'the only woman for him' on our second date, then had to try to be normal for all following dates!

Cabrinha · 13/09/2016 20:30

Doesn't matter if he sees you posting this. If he's a decent man, he'll understand.

That text about the physical form... Did you have an autocorrect issue posting it? Is that what he actually said? It reads like some words are wrong. Weird.

Why did you have sex with him when you didn't feel comfortable with him?

You've told him it's too full on, so - wait and see. You may find when denied "you're so beautiful" as a conversation piece, he dries up, and that'll be your answer. You're allowed to stop having sex with him you know, until you've decided how you feel.

PushingThru · 13/09/2016 20:32

Something is making you feel 'off' about all this. Only you can know how reliable your own instincts have been in the past.

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