Dating dilemma. Are these red flags?

[jaffacakesaremyfave]

Went on a date with a guy I've been chatting to for a while on Tinder and it went well.....too well that we ended up sleeping together-- even though I promised myself I wouldn't go there on a first date.

He was very complimentary on the date, kept telling me over and over how beautiful I am, I'm exactly the type of women he wants a relationship with to the point where it made me abit uncomfortable.

After we DTD he stayed over and cuddled me until morning. He kept squeezing me and telling me how lucky he is to have met me. It was all abit over the top and I'm pretty sure this is a red flag although he was quite convincing that he was genuinely just wearing his heart on his sleeve.

We met up again last night (and DTD again) and again he went on and on, trying to get me to agree to be exclusive and come off tinder. He said he's already deleted the app before this conversation but he still appears on my message list (so hasn't deactivated his profile).

He again stayed the night and cuddled me, and again went over the top with the compliments. He also text me as soon as he left saying sorry to keep me up and text me later in the day.

The problem is, I can't decide whether he is a genuine guy who doesn't have a clue with women and really is smitten (he's 35 so not that likely) or whether this is some sort of well rehearsed game?

He text me when I was at work asking for a selfie or me in my uniform and never asked how my day was etc. He doesn't really ask me many questions about my life. He rushing things.

Brutal honest opinion needed, what do you think is his MO?

If he's only after one thing. Then say to him you do really like him but feel you both rushed into things before really getting to know each other, with sleeping together so quickly. So you'd like to slow it down and get to know each other better by properly going on dates. If he is just after a shag he will drop you like a hot potato if you aren't sleeping with him and just want dates. If he's genuine he will respect it and be enthusiastic about getting to know each other.

Cabrinha, the text is exactly how it came through but I think 'atonement' was an autocorrect from his side (or at least I hope so as it does read wrong).

I had sex because I wanted to at the time. I am attracted to him and it's only the compliments that make me uncomfortable. I thought the first date was a one off as we both had a few drinks so was abit surprised when he went on like that the second time.

I think you're into something there about it being a conversation piece. He's either cracking jokes (which are funny) or telling me how amazing I am. If I ask him questions he does answer them fully though

Pushing, my instincts are terrible. My exH was abusive and a complete psychopath but the complete opposite to this guy. There were no compliments or grand gestures (don't actually know what I saw in him tbh).

My most recent ex was abit like this guy but not as full on and he was lovely. I didn't fancy him at all at first because he was so full on but I have been attracted to bad boys in the past which I am consciously trying to change.

My biggest fear is that he is abusive and that I'm failing to recognise the signs. I know I can (and will) walk away if he turns out to be abusive but it's more a case of me working so hard over the years to spot the signs early so I never end up in an abusive relationship again.

Ok so you have an amber light in the instinct department. Proceed with caution. I so so wish I could find my old post but it was under an old username.
Don't bin him off if you don't want to yet but just be wary. As I said up thread make sure his actions and words match.
Fwiw if I hadn't been dating the ex who was crazy I may have never developed the spidey sense I have now.

My new DP (of about a month) is similar. He likes to compliment regularly and I accept it but don't encourage it and don't over-compliment back. My STBXH was never complimentary so I don't feel comfortable with it.

I'd recommend seeing him out of your home and away from alcohol, e.g. lunch in the day and walk. Keep conversation flowing for a while as it's harder to keep up an act if busy (walking and talking).

I'm fairly sure that my DP is keen and happy so is trying to show it, but I doubt I'll trust him for months. Can have fun along the way and hope he's sincere.

There's nothing wrong with having sex if you want to and you are enjoying it. It's a recreational activity, not a gift to bestow or a currency to exchange for some fantasy of an idyllic future. Don't let anyone make you feel that you have done something wrong.

Just keep your eyes open and re-evaluate regularly. He's not doing anything abusive at the moment. Trust yourself to spot the signs if he does, but don't judge everyone by what an entirely different person has done in the past. If you are enjoying it, "proceed with caution" is good advice. If you start to feel uncomfortable trust your instincts and call a halt.

Trust your instincts. That's all that matters.

From what you have said here, I think he appears genuine. In your situation, I would be happy to see how things played out. If i wasn't happy with the speed, I'd slow things down myself.

But...I (obviously) am not you, and I don't have your relationship history.

What do you think is the worst that could happen? That he turns out to be abusive and you will be unable to extricate yourself?

It's a pride thing Stoic. I will feel very stupid and embarrassed if I get taken in by yet another arsehole.

I'm starting to lean towards genuine too (eek). I called him last night and we chatted for a long time. He opened up abit more about his past and explained that he doesn't ask me loads of questions because he wants to get to know things about me when I'm ready to tell him. He massively turned down the compliments too so is listening and turned them into being very playful.

He asked me what my favourite flowers were last night and it made me think of an earlier post on here. I've never been bought flowers before so we'll see if the materialise.

I'm going to make sure our next date is not at my house although I do enjoy sex with him so will be hard for me too. I don't want to withhold it just for the sake of it if I also want it.

OP - I think your fears stem from what you have been through previously.

I don’t understand why people are saying these are red flags. It’s only been 2 dates? Surely, you can give it another couple of weeks? He sounds lovely, maybe too nice, but when you’re used to being with wankers, I can see why it seems off-putting. I say give it a couple of more dates and then see how you feel

I generally don't ask people questions about themselves. I feel like I'm prying so if on a date, I keep any questions fairly superficial. This lasts a wee while tbh. My point is that I don't think that's particularly odd but might explain why I have trouble making friends and am single.

I think he just likes you and you should give him a chance, especially since you already think he has potential. It's better than sitting trying to figure out if he does or not since it's so clear for you!

Too early to tell but seems a bit damned if you do, damned if you don't. He might just really like you and think by telling you he is showing his commitment.

Us poor chaps can't win.

If you think he's too full-on then stop going straight to sex when you meet him. You're not exactly going slowly yourself.

I really really like you Jaffa. And because of the fear of getting hurt again I need to ask what you're looking for. I'm not bothered about the tinder thing but it's just I'm a one woman kinda guy and am kinda hoping we are onto something good here but tell me if I'm on the wrong boat or if you're just after some fun.

That doesn't sound OOT to me that sounds pretty genuine there is every chance at 35 he is ready to settle down and thinks you have potential for that but doesn't want to 'waste time' on an FWB scenario if that is all you are after.

Speed is relative and is entirely character dependant I asked my DW to marry me 11 days after our first date. She is utterly perfect

I don't think these are red flags tbh OP, it's sounding quite genuine and actually rather sweet. Bear with him and give it a few more dates before you decide. You perspective is skewed because of your past, but I'd say stop expecting the worst and enjoy the future dates, getting to know him and enjoy someone being nice to you for once.

To me he sounds as if he's keen and over excited about the potential for a relationship, and trying to do all the right things. The only thing I'd keep in mind is whether he's potentially jealous in nature.

I agree you can slow it down by making dates away from the house. Also why not start a conversation with "what would you like to know about me?"

My DP doesn't ask things about my life. It's a strange way round for me, but he tells me things in his life and expects me to tell him things about mine.

You have only been taken in if you stick around after bad behaviour. He hasn't behaved badly, just a bit annoyingly.

If you want to have good casual sex at your house, go ahead. That isn't a red flag.

If you want to see him a bit less often for now, go ahead.

I think he sounds lovely and I have no idea why anyone here is advising otherwise apart from the ongoing MN relationship board standard advice to get out of whatever relationship you post about here.

Thanks everyone,

I think I got abit carried away by my fears as online dating can make you very dubious after a while. I haven't seen a jealous side yet as I think him asking me to come off tinder was more about 'securing' what we have at the moment as he doesn't text me all the time and doesn't check up on me like some guys have in the past.

He's still consistently texting and being lovely and has definitely calmed things down in the compliment department. I'm just going to try and enjoy his company rather than second guessing every his every move.

I'm actually really looking forward to seeing him again at the weekend.

He sounds rather nice actually êspecially as he toned down the compliments.

In your shoes, I think I'd suggest meeting max two times a week and simply enjoying it, keeping longer terms options open but you've both learned caution, so you don't want to go too fast, even if he is sexy as heck!

explained that he doesn't ask me loads of questions because he wants to get to know things about me when I'm ready to tell him.

I'm like that with people. Seen some of the darker side of life and I'm careful about what I ask as some people need time to get to know you before they are comfortable talking about past stuff.

Slight proviso: if it turns into longer term relationship it'd be interesting to know why he broke up with the mother of his children, and if he's reasonably honest about why. That's quite a lot of baggage right there, 3 children in 6 years. Sometimes shit just happens though and things go wrong, but it's reassuring to know the background.

Also, always always keep a small fund apart, just for yourself, just in case. Never ever share that fund. Any experienced and decent man will never resent that.

My DP was a bit smitten and asked me to be his GF on the afternoon of our first date - a lunch date. Usually I would've run a mile like Usain Bolt but here we are 4yrs on & it's lovely. Enjoy your w-end OP

I take it all back. He's still on tinder and given a dubious excuse to cancel our next date. Pulled him up on the tinder thing and he got very sweary (not at me but said I'm not even logged in to the fucking app!!)

Soooo back to the drawing board for me. (Sigh)

How bizarre to be so full on and then cancel a date? How did you discover he was still on Jaffa? I thought Tinder didn't have a last active anymore?

Heh. Yay for pushing him a bit and seeing how he reacted ... walked away from that bullet early !

He cancelled with a really lame excuse and my friend was here and asked me if I had checked to see if he had come off.

I rejoined to check and there he was!!

I wouldn't have had an issue if he hadn't been so pushy about me deleting mine. Just all seems abit pointless really.

The worst bit is how he handled being pulled up on it. Didn't take much for his nice guy image to crack

Onwards and upwards OP.