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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

marriage falling apart

86 replies

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 11:20

i just don't know what to do....

i'm hardly ever happy /relaxed with dh. we have a 9 month old baby and for a few months aftr the birth i was very anxious and it badly affected our relationship. huge rows and nasty things were said. i ended up on ad s andit seems to "dull" things a bit.

in addition, i sometimes feel intimidated by dh as a result of all his raging during the rows (he's now seeing a counsellor). we don't sleep together because his snoring keeps me awake and have had sex twice since ds was born. last time nearly 4 months ago.

i'm comng off the ads now nad having horrible side effects and also had some minor surgery yesterday wgcih means i shouldn't leift ds for a few days. i was upset and feelijg awful yesterday and we go annoyed with eachother. i still felt bad this morning and wasn't friendly to dh. ds need to go to drs and dh wouldn't lift him to help me "unles i was nice to him".Yesterday when i was upset and angry with him, he said ok you look aftr him(ds0 and started to pass him to me - i reminded him i was n't supposed to lift him and he took him back. but this morning i had to lift him, lift (heavy) buggy etc and take ds to docs becuase dh wouldn't help unless i "said something nice" i wasn't feeling "nice" towards him and thefore has to use my injured hand to look after ds told dh to f off nad he locked me out of house. he then opened door and called me a bitch.

in some ways he's a lovely dh and dad, but he canhe hateful.

I just don't know what to do

OP posts:

aviatrix · 03/02/2007 11:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 03/02/2007 11:24

wishitwasntlikethis.
It sounds like you're having a very hard time at the moment.
Some of the things you have said about your DH indicate that he is a bully, TBH.
It is not OK for him to be lovely sometimes, and cruel and insulting the next. The good times do not make up for the name calling and nastiness.
Are you having any counselling to help with coming off the ADs?

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 11:37

No not having any counselling. but i haven;t taken one for week now, so hopful that i can stay off them. we were supposed to be out out for luch and shopping together today, but don't feel like being near him now

OP posts:

TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 03/02/2007 11:53

Did your doctor suggest coming off the ADs now?
I think it might be helpful to inform your GP of the situation at home, if you haven't already.

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 11:57

My dr is completely unhelpful - just gives put pills like sweets. dh and i appear to hav a great life on th eoutside and i so wish we could be a happy family. but i can't help thinking we'd be better in the long term without him. Before i was with him i was engaged to a really sweet bloke but he bored me and i left him to be with dh. But my ex was so gentle and loving. we're still in touch, just the odd text/email but i sometimes think i should have stayed with him

OP posts:

TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 03/02/2007 12:00

OK, but you didn't, so it's not helpful to dwell on what could have been at the moment.
I think it might be helpful to speak to a different GP - are there others at the same surgery?
It seems like you have a lot to deal with at the moment, but you need to confide this in someone like a GP or counsellor or a close friend.
Do you think it is the right time to be coming of your medication?
Do you have a friend or family member that could go to the doctor with you, and explain the situation if you don't feel able to?

TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 03/02/2007 12:01

I meant "coming off your medication".

Dior · 03/02/2007 12:01

Message withdrawn

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 12:08

Thanks, Dior. i know some baby's can be a trial but ours is really quite easy to deal with - for a start he's slept from about 7 - 7 every night since has 5 months old. out of interest, what things make you think he's a bully?

OP posts:

Dior · 03/02/2007 12:10

Message withdrawn

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 12:11

Dh came in the room a few mins ago asking if he could get me anything. I asked why he was prepared to be helpful now, but refused to help unless i did what he wanted earlier. he said he "was trying to make up". i feel so upset he refused to lift/dress ds ealier to punish me.

OP posts:

Dior · 03/02/2007 12:11

Message withdrawn

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 12:52

don't know what to do now. just put this episode behind me and try to get on with htings or leave him, or at least trial separation? i said as i was on my way out earlier, he wanted a divorce. maybe that'd be best

OP posts:

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 13:51

he aksed me if i wanted luch ealier and i said no. i asked him why he'd do things for me now, when i still haven't been "nice", when he wouldn't get the buggy, etc earlier. making a sandwich won't damge my hand, but lifting the buggy could have done. he said it was because he wanted to make up. he said he wanted a divorce earlier, so maybe that would be best? i hate how he makes me feel and hate how spiteful he can be

OP posts:

sweetdelicious · 03/02/2007 14:29

sorry you're having such a hard time at the moment. just reading your posts brings back some painful memories. i was very young when i had my first child and i didnt cope very well actually looking back i'm amazed we even had a second child. its a huge lifestyle change.

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 14:34

dh has just gone our for an hour or so, i asked if he'd take ds with him. he said no. i said supposing he needs his nappy change or something, he said he's just have to wait, and then went out

OP posts:

sweetdelicious · 03/02/2007 14:39

men can behave so childish sometimes. i guess they have a hard time accepting they're no longer your main priority in life

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 14:51

don't know what to do now. dh put ds is his cot about 10 mins before he went out and he keeps crying. i shouldn't lift him because of my hand but i'm going to have to as he probably just wants a cuddle.

OP posts:

didisaythat · 03/02/2007 15:42

you seem to have rejected your dh's offer to 'make up' before he went out (which may be why he went out). Why? Are you bearing grudges? how helpful is that?

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 15:55

i'm bearing grudges because he was so spiteful to me. he's just got back and doesn't believe that ds was crying while he was out and i had to cuddle him.

OP posts:

sunshinestarr · 03/02/2007 16:00

now that he's back is he in a better mood. maybe you could go out for a bit maybe a cuppa with your gfriend or a stroll around the block bit of fresh air

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 16:09

thanks sunshinestarr. But he's not in a better mood and nor am i. My hand is feeling v sore and i told him that having to hold ds for most of the time were were out has probably damaged it. he knows that if what i had done yesterday doesn't work, i have to have an operation, meaning i won't be able to lift for 3 weeks. hes just said "well you've danaged our relationship and don't give a shit" this was said in front of ds. all i feel for him now is disgust and dislike. i know that if my hand doesn't recover i'll always have in my mind it could be because he refused to take ds with him

OP posts:

sunshinestarr · 03/02/2007 16:12

thats terrible. what did you have done to your hand if you dont mind me asking? oi men, its a huge task to look after a bubby let alone with one hand tied behind your back pardon the punn

sunshinestarr · 03/02/2007 16:17

the situation doesnt sound v good and especially to be arguing in front of a youngster like that. what are your options? Can you have someone like mum come over and help you out or can you go to there place?

Original poster

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 16:18

just very minor surgery but it was important not to lift for a couple of days. how can i ever forgive him for this? poor ds is wailing now. i really can't cope with this

OP posts:

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