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Original poster

marriage falling apart

86 replies

wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 11:20

i just don't know what to do....

i'm hardly ever happy /relaxed with dh. we have a 9 month old baby and for a few months aftr the birth i was very anxious and it badly affected our relationship. huge rows and nasty things were said. i ended up on ad s andit seems to "dull" things a bit.

in addition, i sometimes feel intimidated by dh as a result of all his raging during the rows (he's now seeing a counsellor). we don't sleep together because his snoring keeps me awake and have had sex twice since ds was born. last time nearly 4 months ago.

i'm comng off the ads now nad having horrible side effects and also had some minor surgery yesterday wgcih means i shouldn't leift ds for a few days. i was upset and feelijg awful yesterday and we go annoyed with eachother. i still felt bad this morning and wasn't friendly to dh. ds need to go to drs and dh wouldn't lift him to help me "unles i was nice to him".Yesterday when i was upset and angry with him, he said ok you look aftr him(ds0 and started to pass him to me - i reminded him i was n't supposed to lift him and he took him back. but this morning i had to lift him, lift (heavy) buggy etc and take ds to docs becuase dh wouldn't help unless i "said something nice" i wasn't feeling "nice" towards him and thefore has to use my injured hand to look after ds told dh to f off nad he locked me out of house. he then opened door and called me a bitch.

in some ways he's a lovely dh and dad, but he canhe hateful.

I just don't know what to do

OP posts:
Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 16:19

i thought of taking ds to my mums, but i also can't drive for a few days, and she can't drive. she'd be horrified if she knew about this - i doubt she'd ever let dh in her house again

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sunshinestarr · 03/02/2007 16:20

take bubby for a walk play down the park. I have no concept of your weather over there as i am in australia

sunshinestarr · 03/02/2007 16:26

its just awful the isolation you must be feeling. when hubby and i used to have fights i couldnt stand being near him and what was worse i lived 14 hours away from parents so i learnt very quickly how to soothe myself thru my children. we'd hang out at parks or the beach while they're playing i'd be crying my eyes out behind dark sunnies.

Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 16:33

thanks sunshinestarr. do you and dh still fight? hoping ds will settle for a sleep soon, if not may take him out for a walk - if h will put buggy up. i hate him for leaving me to look after ds alone when i shouldn't be lifting him

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sunshinestarr · 03/02/2007 16:33

well my dear hope it works out for you its almost 3 in the morning i cant sleep thanks to my new medication my dr's put me on so i think i might go and do something constructive like fold the washing. take care and huge hugs xo

sunshinestarr · 03/02/2007 16:35

nah things are pretty mellow now but in the early days wow we use to have some dramas i tell ya reading your post brings back some memories

Tortington · 03/02/2007 16:36

why does he think you damaged the relationship?

sounds like some maturity and grown up conversation needs to take place.

a) he needs to seek active help with his snoring
b) anger managment for him

c) relate for both

d) tell him you want sex.

this grown up conversation should include him being able to say what he thinks you have done to damage relationship.

and should incude that being bribed and manipulated, scared and vulnerable disn't condusive to a long lasting relationship.

he is forgetting your not his best mate who wont give him something back, you are his partner for life and the mother of his child. you deserve basic human decency.

Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 16:52

thanks custardo. he thinks i damage our relationship by refusing to make up with him. he brought ds in to see me this morning but i was still quite hostile to him(h, not ds). he said to ds that mummy was miserable. later he came in and tried to talk to me and i said i hoped he wasn't going to say anything else to turn ds against me. After that was when he refused to help with ds.
he is seeing a counsellor about his behaviour and is starting to exercise in the hope that will help with his snoring. he doesn't smoke and drinks moderately. he's nearly 2 stone overweight and when he went to docs about the snoring (over a yr ago, whe he was only a stone overweight!) she said losing weight shoild stop it. he started snoring 2 years ago and only now is doing something about it - it hurts that it took so long.
I also said i thought he should see someone about his anger over 3 yrs ago, and finally he's going. that hurts too - he wouldn't do it when it was just me and him, I've told him i'm hurt but he says at least he's going now.
as for relate for both of us, we've been twice in the past, but it made no difference. and we couldn't go now because we have noone to look after ds.

as for sex, he knows i dream about it, but i feel negative and hurt by him embarrassed by my naked body that i won't even let him see me undressed, let alone have sex with him

sorry so long - just wondering if this marriage is beyond repair

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Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 17:07

i'm so upset and angry that he could refuse to help with ds and then later go out without him ,leaving me to walk round the house cuddling him to comfort him. I know i wasn't being pleasant at all to h and maybe was being a bitch, but i feel he's shown that he really doesn't care about me unless i do what he wants. the more i put this into words, the more i feel that this marriage is not worth saving. some advice would be very appreciated

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Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 18:09

anyone there?

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Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 20:03

bump

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Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 20:37

just been to tell him i can't take any more of this and i'm so hurt about him refusing to look after ds and the effect it's had on my hand. he just went on about the efect my behaviour has on our relationship. so i think he's saying he thinks i've destroyed our relationship so he's destroed my hand in return. i told him i thought we should split up, either temporarily or permanently. he refused to talk about it properly and started ranting and screamed f off at me. i've shut ds's door so that he doesn't hear so much if h does it agian

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TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 03/02/2007 20:45

You both sound like you are blaming each other, so perhaps you need to get a third party involved to help with your discussions.
I think there's lots of good advice from other posters on this thread.
Do you think any of it would be helpful to you?

Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 03/02/2007 21:41

iwas just feelinf dizzy because of my ad withdrwal and fell over. h came upstairs to see what had happened and offerred to help me up.so he cares about me falling over but couldn't crae less about making my hand worse. i've got some other medical procedure(v painful) soon which, but i'm actually dreading feeling bad afterwards and saying the wrong thing to him, more than the procedure. think i'll just tell him not to come with me this time and to keep away afterwards

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Anniegetyourgun · 04/02/2007 01:48

#cough# I don't want to make anyone cross, but it sounds as if it's not just the DH who isn't behaving very well at the moment. I can't help thinking coming off the ad's is affecting your temper and judgement quite a bit, and constant pain is enough to unbalance anybody. Seeing some decent doctor/counsellor is I think fairly important - the difficult bit is getting a decent doctor of course.

Now is not a good time to be making life-changing decisions like whether your marriage is over imo. It's a time for getting your own head - and poor hand - straight first, then you can look at the other things more calmly and see whether DH really is an unmitigated arse who is not worth living with. Most of them can be trained, and the fact that he is trying to lose weight and control his temper is encouraging.

One general point which I think is quite important, and oh, I'm going to come over so preachy here (I always regret posting late at night), is that when two adults share a house they always ought to be polite if they can manage it (not always possible, I admit). Whether you love someone or downright loathe them, there is a household to run and you have to pull in the same direction. If you need the other person's co-operation, then at least try a little negotiation and courtesy - even if you do feel you're the only one making the effort, at least one of you is, and he just might learn from your example. Pleases and thank yous even when you feel it's the last thing he deserves. If you're both scrapping like cats in a sack then nothing will ever get done.

Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 04/02/2007 11:32

thanks annie, you talk alot of sense. i'vr asked dh if we can have a proper talk later when ds is in bed. he grudgingly yes , so we'll see what happens

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sunshinestarr · 04/02/2007 12:00

Hi there hope you're feeling better today glad to see that you's are going to talk things thru.

Can i offer this bit of advice when you speak to each other which has helped me when hubby and i have had words. In a game of catch, you toss the ball so that it can be caught easily. Dont fling it with such force that you injure your partner. So apply the same principle when speaking with dh. as you've already experienced, hurling bitter and thoughtless remarks does and can cause further harm. So toss the ball gently so it can be caught.

Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 04/02/2007 12:50

thanks so much sunshine starr - off to talk now.........

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Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 04/02/2007 14:26

well talk was short but hopefully will make a difference. i wrote down what i thought needed to change, and gave the piece of apaer to him. he seemed o about it. he still thinks the fact that my hand hurts is my fault because if i had "said something nice" then he would have helped with ds yesterday. he's taken him out now

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1sue1 · 04/02/2007 17:15

To be honest, he sounds just like my ex...a weak little man trying to get some control and being so poor at it he comes across as unreasonable. Now when you needed help and he said 'say something nice'...had you said 'I am sorry darling, you're right I was being horrid..I really need you to help me, please can you?' he would have loved that.

But why should you pander to his childish needs for recognition? He sounds as pathetic as my ex and I feel sorry for you.

Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 04/02/2007 18:16

you're right, he seems to want recognition for everything, not that i get much for what i do. well, still in sone ways he can be nice, i've told him that his help being conditonal of me being "nice" was spiteful and manipulative and mustn't happen again. we'll see

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Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 04/02/2007 18:19

out of interest what do the rest of you think?

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1sue1 · 04/02/2007 18:38

I think people can't understand men like him, I certainly thought my ex was one of a kind but yours sounds similar.

It was as if he wanted to be seen as the 'boss' who made all the decisions and wanted all attention on him. Yet he was incapable of using his head to act reasonably so I had no respect for him and he knew this so he in turn resented me for failing to worship him.

Your use of the word 'conditional' is a bell ringer for me too. I think your bloke wants a doormat who will not answer him back and always put HIM first. he would be nice to you all the time then...my ex was never physical and was too weak to be abusive, so just had his little sulks, storming out's and lots of 'fuck offs' for good measure. I was never scared of him, not in the slightest but I used to feel sick at his unreasonableness and hate that the kids had to witness it. The day he pissed off and moved out was the day that sick feeling left me!

1sue1 · 04/02/2007 18:41

Sorry, wasn't much help there...you say your bloke can be nice, well my ex was nice a lot of the time. I can still see that he had a hellof a lot of good attributes. But they were not enough to make up for the total lack of love and respect I felt he had for me when he said 'fuck off' etc.

Is this how you feel? Do you feel resentment towards him a lot of the time for him refusing to accept how he behaves towards you?

Original poster
wishitwasntlikethis · 04/02/2007 19:00

yes, i feel loads of resentment to him and what happened yesterday has really made part of me despise him. i know that if it had bee the other wayround i couldn't have risked him hurting himself because he wouldn't say something nice.

however he does have many good points and i know i can be exceedingly difficult sometimes. I'm hoping in time this resentment will fade and be replaced by loving feelings. depends how seriously he takes it i suppose. materially i have a great life , with no money worries (i'm sahm) and no pressure to go back to work until i want to. it's just feels like a very "loveless" relationship

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