marriage falling apart

[wishitwasntlikethis]

i just don't know what to do....

i'm hardly ever happy /relaxed with dh. we have a 9 month old baby and for a few months aftr the birth i was very anxious and it badly affected our relationship. huge rows and nasty things were said. i ended up on ad s andit seems to "dull" things a bit.

in addition, i sometimes feel intimidated by dh as a result of all his raging during the rows (he's now seeing a counsellor). we don't sleep together because his snoring keeps me awake and have had sex twice since ds was born. last time nearly 4 months ago.

i'm comng off the ads now nad having horrible side effects and also had some minor surgery yesterday wgcih means i shouldn't leift ds for a few days. i was upset and feelijg awful yesterday and we go annoyed with eachother. i still felt bad this morning and wasn't friendly to dh. ds need to go to drs and dh wouldn't lift him to help me "unles i was nice to him".Yesterday when i was upset and angry with him, he said ok you look aftr him(ds0 and started to pass him to me - i reminded him i was n't supposed to lift him and he took him back. but this morning i had to lift him, lift (heavy) buggy etc and take ds to docs becuase dh wouldn't help unless i "said something nice" i wasn't feeling "nice" towards him and thefore has to use my injured hand to look after ds told dh to f off nad he locked me out of house. he then opened door and called me a bitch.

in some ways he's a lovely dh and dad, but he canhe hateful.

I just don't know what to do

i realy wonder if i should stay with him or go?

Bollocks. My dh is chronically ill and I would never, I repeat never just go off and leave him to cope if he couldn't. He knows precisely when I will be leaving each day and if he had a particular incapacity that meant he couldn't lift the baby, for example, I would go nowhere. He is a SAHD and effectively I provide for him - why wouldn't I?

Parenting isn't about saying something nice and having the other party take over 'as a favour' - I regularly dump ds on dh at 4 in the morning and say "I'm sorry, I'm knackered, you do it". Your dh isn't the centre of the world any more, he needs to get with the programme.

wish, clarify for me how long since you came off ADs?

I have been where you are in terms of AD withdrawal/returning depression and wanting to end everything (including my own life at times but mostly my marriage, my entire lifestyle, everything).

DH and I have been right through the mill and our marriage remains dodgy. The insistence on 'be nice to me' rings a lot of bells- DH would put up with my foul moods for a long long time because he knew I was depressed and that it is an illness. HOwever suddenly one day he would just snap over 'rudeness' and we would row vilely for hours. I would end up absolutely enraged as the combination of depression, hormone stuff (I was weaning, don't know if you are) and AD withdrawal sent me pretty near mad. Looking back I still can't really understand why he decided to just dig his heels in over minor things and suddenly stop being supportive. He says sometimes he just didn't have any more to give me. Perhaps this is a man thing, to cut off and deal with things for so long, then snap without warning.

I don't condone your DH's behaviour at all, but that nagging urge to leave which you have may well be unrealistic or destructive right now. You really need time to reflect on this. Can you go (after your hand has healed) to a parent's or friends house with DS, to really think about things in peace?

h asked me how my hand was earlier (first time this weekend). think he's wondering if he's going to have to take the day off tomorrow in case i cant lift ds. dr said i only needed to rest it for a couple of days so should be ok tomorrow. tbh, i'd rather h did go to work tomorrow. i just can't stand the sight of him at the mo

charlieq, that sounds just like my h. sometimes he'll put up with my "moods" for a whiel but there comes a point where he snaps

He CAN be nice can't he, if he asked how your hand is? He just chooses not be nice at times, and that is not the behaviour of a mature and caring partner.

wish, sorry if what i'm saying sounds like crap - but, how about just accepting him for what he is. you won't be able to change him. it sounds like you're both locked in a battle of blaming eachother and holding grudges. living like that is terribly draining and disruptive. as you can't rely on his support could you concentrate on yourself and being independent. over time you'll get more idea if you'll be better off without him

trouble is the way is makes me feel crap. he came in this morning to ask how my hand was, because he wanted to know if he "could go to work" i just told him we'd be fine and to go. he tried to kiss me goodbye and i flinched away and couldn't say goodbye to him. i am so full of hate for him, it's horrible. this really doesn't help with the ad withdrawal. he's not even asked how that's going even though i fell over on sat because of the dizziness it was causing me

No partner in a loving relationship should make you feel like this. A decent man would be worried about you.

He sounds like a man who can be nice if HE chooses, but often chooses to be a dick. YOU would be better off without him IMO.

Look honey i dont wanna sound mean or harsh but men cant read our minds and they're not perfect by any means and neither are we heck my dear husband would gladly allow me leave and find someonelse he always says good luck to finding someone that can put up with my crap lol. Bit of truth in that statement.

Point is yep he makes you feel like crap and having withdrawals from the meds doesnt help but just as he is a prat to you there are things he's probably struggling to deal with himself.

Please dont fill your head or hate for him try and meditate on the love you share and look at the fruit that love produce your darling son.

Wish you peaceful thoughts today xo

I agree they can't read our minds but men are just like us, not a different species that need excuses making for their poor behaviour.

Wish, it seems to me that you have only been 'off' with him in response to his behaviour towards you, so in fact he 'started it' really. If he was behaving nicely to you, treating you with love and respect, I am sure you would be nice to him as he wants you to be. Men need to earn these things, they have no god given right to them!

this might a bit out of left field but what was it that attracted you to him?

Can you remember the first time you seen your dh?

1sue1, not entirely tru really as i'd been upset and hostile to him alot of the previous day - he kept trying to make up but i think he snapped in the morning when i still woulnt ne friendly to him. so maybe it is my fault

sunshinestarr, believe it or not i was attracted to hum because he seemed so calm, strong and gentle! how wrong can you be?

hello wish - i'm mrsthatchersmadgranny -i like changing my name but might settle with this one. i just wonder if you can be really strong and send him a text message telling him you love him, or give him a hug when he comes home ( you don't have to say anything) i just think it might make you feel better. it doesn't mean that he's not to blame and you're angry and he's hurt you, but at least you'll know you'll have been strong. and as i said before you can take time to think whether the relationship is worth saving

Sweety I didn't mean to make you feel like it was all your fault.

Dont be too hasty to give up on your marriage hun. I'm with granny on this one.

Sigh. I just lost a VERY long post I had written here. Bascially I wanted you to take a step back and have a honest look at your last posts and your behavior towards your DH. I have to agree with Annie here - you seems to have married a decent man who is at the end of his tether. He is in no way an amazing mind reading superman, he is as flawed as the rest of us and as flawed as you. He is trying to stay with a wife who is having huge mood swings, is bitter, resentful, nagging and cold. Please re-read your many posts and see how many times you reject his small attempts to make up. He offers to make lunch, you refuse, he offers to take time off work, you refuse and turn away when he tries to kiss you. He makes a joke about you being sad to his son, and you blame him for warping your relationship with the baby (?? please, your DS has no idea what is said to him and will NOT be in any way damaged or hurt by what is said in his presence). Your DH feels that for the last few months you have not put any effort into your relationship. This is probably quite true. I know myself that I had real issues trying to maintain ANY relationship with my DH after the birth of our DS, and I hated him utterly many many times. It took me a while to realise that he was struggling too, and that his small efforts at helping me or the baby were being ignored because of my own tiredness - and I had no medication mood swings or painful hand to cope with either, just a normal baby.. Please sit down and think of how you treat and act towards your DH. Do you give him any affection, any unprovoked randowm acts of love of though? Pinch his arse, a hug, an unasked for cup of tea? He is trying here, and feels ignored and rejected. You admit yourelse that he is losing weight to stop his snoring, he is going to councelling to curb his anger, he makes you lunch as an apology and you rehash earlier arguements, he offers to take time off work to lift the baby and you blank him. I think you are missing the wood for the trees here, and need to seriously get some councelling or talk through this with your DH. Is there any way you both can swallow your mutual hurts and try to appreciate each other again? It's a hard thing to do, and the blame cycle is hard to break, but leaving your DH will only make your life harder at the mo, I hope you both are able to calmly share with each other how stressed you both are, and how much you both need the others help. Good luck, and I hope your hand gets better.

thanks luxmum - alot of whay is you is true, but i do loads for him. make his lunch for work most days, even if it means staying up to do it when i knackered, sometimes put little notes in with it,buy him little presents occasionally, alwyas asking if he wants anything, drink, food, anything from shops, arrange our nights out, etc... so it's not like he gets nothing but misery from me. you're right i can be v diffilcult to deal with, but am finding it impossible to stop hating him for waht he did.

and even buy him dinner or make something for him if i'm going out in the evening, so he doesn't have to cook

Well that sounds good, and obviously we don't know the man so it's possible he IS an unmitigated arse. We're also not saying you are all to blame, obviously - even if it had been your fault he should cut you some slack as you're obviously suffering at the moment. But it takes two to make a quarrel, and effort on both sides to make up. Another Annie's Special old cliche: you can't help how you feel but you can help how you behave. Mostly. Er, does that make sense?

I second Luxmum to some extent. ONly you really know the details of the relationship, but with me and DH and the baby and the depression and the AD problems, everything between us had warped. We had lost almost everything that had brought us together, all the good things about eachother.

This is probably just because I needed more support than he could give and I still sometimes feel that I do, but I try to consider the situation. At certain times consideration flies out of the window and I just hate his guts again.

It takes a lot of deep breathing and reflection to recognise that a lot of this is coming from me, from my own problems. NOT that I am blaming you, but your response to DH seems like a milder version of mine when I was in a really bad way.

well, we've just been arguing and shouting at eachother again, swearing saying nasty things, he said f off twice which upset me even more. i got totally hysterical, not been like that for months, absolutely ranting, screaming and kicking the doors. I'm scared it's cos i've stopped the Ad's. maybe u should start them again as , although i don't feel depressed they do seem to help keep me a rational and a bit more level headed (for me anyway). i've alos read alot about the supplement 5 htp as an alternative to ads, anyone used it?

thanks charlieq, i think i'm the same i want more support than ds can give me. and i expect him to give it however difficult i am to him. and then i'm devasted when he's snaps. did you dh used to shout and be nasty to you if you pushed him too far?

Hi there, just read your thread. Can I ask why you want to come off your medication.

If you had cancer would you not use the best treatment available to get yourself better.

I tried to avoid for years taking medication b/c I didn't want people or my husband to think I was mental or a nut job. I'd have these mood swings, depression, short with my dh and I'd blame it on pms or low iron knowing deep down something not quite right. Well 10 years of ups and downs so thankful I still have a marriage.

I'm on medication and did counselling, I haven't had an angry outburst in 2 years we've not had one argument. I mean it not one. I am more stable, rational my head is clearer. I've learnt strategies to help with the triggers. Have some ups and downs but I can cope with it not like before he'd just have to use the F word which was a major trigger for me and I'd see red.

yes wish- we used to have hideous screaming rows just like yours. Smashing crockery, etc. (Although he seemed to do that as a response to me doing it first. That pissed me off (I know, unfair!!) because I felt that while I was on the verge of suicide/madness/whatever, he was just doing it to 'get his own back). That had very rarely happened before, I always thought of him as very calm and steady. The baby seemed to send everything into a horrible new dimension.

What has (sort of) worked for us is me going back on ADs, some counselling (including one to one counselling for him, as he said he felt so stressed out by the whole thing plus his work etc) and I have to say, our DS getting older. But we do not have much of a sex life, are more companions than anything else, and I think the horribleness of what we've gone through contributes to that.

We are now expecting no.2! and are both nervous about how we are going to cope as sleep deprivation, my PND/weaning depression and DS's needs for attention nearly finished us both off last time.

We are going to try to get as much help as possible this time and take shortcuts where we can- get more time for ourselves, not obsess about the baby, put him in a routine, etc. I can only hope that 6 months time does not find us at eachother's throats again.