Proposal Debacle... am I stupid to feel this upset about the whole thing?

[gillybeandramaqueen]

I will try to keep this concise!

4 year relationship. 2 kids under 3.

Marriage had never ever even been spoken about until:
June this year when we were on holiday and my other half asked me on the last night of our holiday what I would say if he asked me to marry him? There was no ring or anything, I thought we were just chatting about it. Then he told me that this was him proposing. I told him it was a totally out of the blue surprise that he was bringing it up and that we should chat about it properly when we got home from our holiday.

5 days later was my birthday at home. I could tell he was trying to build up to something as he had asked me to buy a bottle of something at the supermarket. Our young kids were in the throes of bedtime havoc so nothing happened.

Then, he presented me with a card and a jewellery gift bag saying to me 'there's your birthday present' and that was it. There was no flowers or anything like that, nothing else, no 'To Mummy' birthday cards or any token things from our kids.

I opened the bag up and much to my surprise there was a ring in it - a yellow gold diamond ring. I was totally surprised. I wasn't expecting it at all but also because I have always only worn silver jewellery.

Anyway. I said thank you to him and about what a surprise it was. I asked him if he would mind if we took it to the shop to exchange it for a silver-toned ring. He was absolutely fine with that. All he really said was that he didn't want a big fancy expensive wedding. I was fine with that as I would much prefer for any money that we had to be put towards a bought home.

All in all the whole engagement/birthday was pretty unromantic but it was fine. I was fine with it.

Two days later we went to the shop. I discovered that the ring had cost him £200. I was quite surprised. I am not materialistic but he earns around £600 per week so it seemed a strange choice by him. The problem was that there was very little alternative rings at that budget in white gold.

Anyway the upshot of it was I got a beautiful ring which he was also pleased with that cost £1500. It was a happier day nothing to do with the cost of the ring but it was a really beautiful ring and everything seemed a lot more personal and lovely.

So that was it for two whole months. Not one discussion followed about anything to do with engagement, marriage, weddings or anything. I thought that was part of the fun of engagement... that the couple would at the very minimum have a wee chat about when they might tie the know, how it might be done, at home, friends, family, exotic beach... but not one discussion. Since he was the one who brought up the proposal for the very first time in our 4 year/2 kid relationship... I assumed that he had given it even just a wee bit of though. One evening, I brought it up, 2 months after we got the ring. When I asked him when he was thinking he might like to get married and how, he said he didn't know, maybe in about three years time. I thought to myself why would we be waiting such a long time if we weren't going to have to save for a big lavish affair? He said he hadn't really given any of it any thought... and he basically told me I was 'bursting his nut' about it. Anyway, I was very upset at this and felt like the whole thing was very half-hearted on his part.

So I gave him the ring back. And I asked him to give it back to me one day once he had given it proper and serious consideration... you know, the whole thing. I felt really hurt and upset by the fact that HE had brought the whole issue up for the very first time but that when I brought it up 2 months later just casually to chat about it... he seemed reluctant. All he said was that he had asked me because he loved me and wanted to prove his commitment to me. But I just feel like, well, he wants to show his commitment to me but not for about another 3 years?! So why the hell did he propose to me? Why did we get engaged? What was the point?

Am I being ungrateful? Am I reading too much into it.

It's been 4 months since his proposal and it's been 2 months since I returned the ring to him. He's still paying it up and it's sitting in it's box in his sock drawer.

I feel like the entire thing was a total farce and I feel really shit about the whole thing. And I miss my ring!!

Omg! I can't believe all the negative comments u r getting! I completely understand where u r coming from. People saying ur being ungrateful about the ring is ridiculous, he should have known u would want a silver one if that's what u wear and u said u seen the price of the new one AFTER u both picked it so it ain't about money. Also saying u r being horrible because he did propose so what r u moaning about; I thinks it's perfectly reasonable to want a romantic proposal with some effort involved from him, it's the one thing he has all the responsibility of doing and showing u how much he cares. And it's supposed to be a moment u will remember and cherish forever and look back on with happy memories. I bet none of these posters would slag off a man who proposed with a massive romantic gesture would they! And yet they r happy to slag u off when that's probably what they would want too. And a gift from ur kids is a given when they r too young to do it themselves.

I completely understand why u gave the ring back, it seems why did he propose but then not want to arrange a wedding or even talk about it! It wasn't like he felt forced to or to keep u quiet if u never even mentioned it so what's his problem why can't he talk about it? I can't believe u waited 2 months to bring it up tbh, I couldn't have waited that long. Does seem the communication is not brill so maybe just try talking about it again and ask if he wants u to arrange it, most men do! Hope I made u feel a little better x

loulily27 - thank you and yes you have! This thread has felt brutal! xx

HandyWoman - thank you x
Yes it has affected things but I think mainly me. I have been feeling truly rubbish about the entire thing. Strangely, my self esteem feels at rock bottom and I don't know whether I am justified or not to be feeling this bad about myself... which is why I posted. This thread has produced so many conflicting views and responses that I'm still a bit conflicted about it in my head. I wasn't expecting so many responses. Tbh, I am not sure that my other half is giving it any thought whatsever. It all seems to have been swept under the carpet and forgotten about........

When I handed the ring back... I was just saying 'I want and need you to take this whole thing seriously and I don't think that you are...' therefore it seemed meaningless somehow...

And I was really hurt and offended that when I brought it up one evening for the very first time 2 months after engagement, just to chat about when we might actually get married... he accused me of 'bursting his nut' about it accusing me of trying to pin him down to a specific date. I hadn't been... I was only asking him what kinda timescale he had in his head when he proposed whether next week or next decade!! But apparently, he never gave that detail any thought whatsoever which I find strange. It's not like I have ever mentioned marriage once or harped on about a ring as a lot of women do...... so I am actually completely baffled as to why he proposed. He said because he loves me, we have 2 children and he wants to prove his commitment to me.... he just doesn't want to do it anytime soon it seems!!!! I could understand a 3 year delay if we were saving up to have some outlandish do... but we wouldn't be.... so what's the deal?!

Communication between you both sounds terrible. To get engaged and then not discuss the wedding for another two months is utterly baffling to me.

You need to open up a way of talking to each other. You need effective communication (order some books, if you need or just google) and start to use it. You need both of you to talk.

This could trigger a serious change in your relationship, otherwise. Which would be so sad as it was started with an engagement.

OP - YANBU at all. You have 2 children with this man already. What is the point of a proposal if it's not special and meaningful?

A friend of mine who is also in her early 40's is currently undergoing treatment for breast cancer. She's been with her partner for over 10 years and they have DC. I won't give her details away, but her DP has recently proposed to her in the most amazingly beautiful way and now they both want the world to know.

Life is too short. People can be perfectly happy without being married of course, but if you're going to do it make it count.

When DH proposed we were still in our late 20s. It was a total surprise to me as I'd only known him for a matter of months . He'd had the ring made, went down on one knee while we were on the most beautiful cliffs in Italy. It was so genuine and I'll never forget his words in that moment. Then he organised a party the next weekend when we got home so we could tell everyone. It turned out he'd actually gone so far as to have asked my DF's "permission'" before he'd asked me, which I thought was a bit OTT at the time. Now looking back though, I can see that he was just trying to respect my family. DF passed away 2 years later and I know it meant a lot to him.

It doesn't matter whether you've just met, or been together years, renewing your vows or whatever - as long as it's meaningful for you!

Please talk to your DH. The main thing is you have 2 DC and you know you love each other. Many people will never have this. You only reacted the way you did because you love him and your family and you want to make it special.

He has a different way to you, but he will understand if you talk to him, I'm sure.

Good luck. You can turn this around and have an amazing day that means the world to you both!

I'm sorry you've had such s hard time OP. As far as I can see you are right to be completely confused. What are your communications with each other like normally? He sounds a bit brutal to me I the way he talks to you. And why don't his parents like you? That sounds like something quite significant even though you've only alluded to it. He doesn't sound an easy person to get on with actually.

Strangely enough we can talk to each other but it seems certain subjects are more tricky. Maybe we are talking about things at the wrong moments. Timing can be everything can't it?

His parents are very controlling and live a few hours away. Everything was fine for the first year until our first child was born. Then they began to try to dictate what we were doing with our child, when we were to visit etc. When I refused to dance to their tune they started to meddle in my relationship telling my partner that he should be grabbing the bull by the horns and telling me how it is and what we are doing!

I told my partner this morning that I was feelimg very stressed and upset by the whole engagement thing and he told me 'just forget about it'.

Surely having proposed and then not mentioned the wedding for 2 months, his response that the OP was busting his balls by bringing it up is totally OTT?

I would be confused in that situation. A little enthusiasm is not too much to expect, even if wedding organisation is not a person's thing. He could at the very least not deem the conversation off limits in the way he has done.

Is there a timing issue just for dealing with him, or do you need to be treated sensitively too.

It sounds controlling and off. You need to tell him that you are not goibg to just forget about it, he has hurt you deeply and you now feel incredibly sad. If he cannot consider that then you have a vision of relationship future, i am afraid.

gilly - when people have difficult families as it sounds like your DH does, the thought of getting into the wedding planning process may seem overwhelming and a total nightmare tbh. It's when you tend to experience the in laws at their most bizarre. Maybe he's reticent for these reasons - it's not about the commitment to you. He just senses drama ahead?

And yes, if he's heading out to work in the morning it's probably not the best time to broach the subject. Timing can be everything!

Mojito that's a good point. Bet the idea of getting married in the teeth of his parents hostility is pretty daunting.

Good luck, OP. Communication is everything. No marriage can work if you don't speak openly to each other. If you know exactly what the other person wants and they know what you want then you have a good chance of both getting your needs net.

GIlly - I would assume that he is shit scared of getting in to any wedding planning malarkey bearing in mind that his ring choice of £200 has changed to £1500 - which is fine btw if he can afford it, but no one should be guilt tripped into buying a ring on finance. You accept what your intended can afford end of. !

Based on his last foray on the wedding front I bet he is bricking it that 'you don't care about a big lavish wedding' If you are serious (and with 2 children together what on earth were you thinking to have them before getting married - or do you have a secret trust fund ?) if this is not the case, what is to stop you proposing and getting him down the registry office on a Tuesday afternoon with just you him and a handful of guests. ? About £112 all in. That'll show him A. How the money really doesn't matter and B) That as the parents of two children you are putting their interests first rather than the cost of a fancy wedding.

I totally don't get your comment Marilyn... did you read this whole thread including updates? ...nobody guilt tripped him into buying a ring on finance. And this isn't about the cost of a fancy wedding seeing as how that isn't what I want and I have alluded to that already in this thread.........

I do think that many people having a pop at OP here have only skim-read this thread. Hope you're ok, OP, and beginning to talk this through with your DP.

I've read all the updates and I agree with WannaBe on this. After two children, there's not that much to get excited about a wedding really at this point. I'm sure that he wants to marry you, OP, that's why he asked. Or perhaps he just thinks you should be married and that's the end of it.

I don't think it was a good idea to just hand the ring back because it sounds like "Try again and do better next time". If you want to marry this man then have a conversation with him and say that you'd like to start planning the wedding. He says three years - to him there's plenty of time. If you want a sooner wedding then tell him.

The ring is neither here nor there. I imagine it's become a negative point for him now rather than something to be happy about because it possibly feels like you handed it back. But, you two love each other presumably so end this stalemate and start planning your wedding for whenever it is.

DH proposed on holiday- it was a very romantic setting- the bedroom of a French rural farmhouse in the rain, honeysuckle and bougainvillea round the windows. The actual proposal was lovely and I said yes.
Then he said 'I mean the whole thing mind- proper- till death do us part-, sickness and health, richer and poorer, forsaking all others, thick and thin. The lot'. It sounded like some sort of grim warning.
He had bought a ring but it wasn't ready so he didn't have one. On the way home we called into his parents to tell them and his mum gave us his great gran's engagement ring which is lovely but I prefer the one DH had made. I wear his GGs on my other hand.

Astounded at all the posters here slagging off the £200 ring and assuming this means 'I was only worth £200', or that the man is tight for not spending some acceptable yet unidentified % of his monthly income.

Greedy, materialistic, sexist and pitiful.

Gilly, I'm sorry that you were hurt. Your feelings aren't wrong. They're completely valid - you can't help feeling what you feel.

I don't know you and the truth is that we only ever here one side of things on here. I'm not doubting your sincerity - I'm saying that you're the only one who can know the right thing to do next.

My question is about why he would ask and then avoid conversations about it. Is it possible that there is something you don't yet understand? Something that's worrying him?

My mum's partner asked her to marry him one Christmas. She said yes and they got a ring. Then he emphatically did NOT want to talk about it. Time passed and every time the subject of getting married came up, he would get cross or change the subject.

It turned out that there were two issues. Firstly, his business was failing and he didn't want to say because he thought it made him 'less of a man' somehow. And secondly, the more he thought about it, the more he remembered how his first wife had hurt him and (as he saw it) got his money, and the more he felt afraid.

I'm not saying those are the issues with your partner. But is it possible that there is more going on in with him than you are aware of?