Proposal Debacle... am I stupid to feel this upset about the whole thing?

[gillybeandramaqueen]

I will try to keep this concise!

4 year relationship. 2 kids under 3.

Marriage had never ever even been spoken about until:
June this year when we were on holiday and my other half asked me on the last night of our holiday what I would say if he asked me to marry him? There was no ring or anything, I thought we were just chatting about it. Then he told me that this was him proposing. I told him it was a totally out of the blue surprise that he was bringing it up and that we should chat about it properly when we got home from our holiday.

5 days later was my birthday at home. I could tell he was trying to build up to something as he had asked me to buy a bottle of something at the supermarket. Our young kids were in the throes of bedtime havoc so nothing happened.

Then, he presented me with a card and a jewellery gift bag saying to me 'there's your birthday present' and that was it. There was no flowers or anything like that, nothing else, no 'To Mummy' birthday cards or any token things from our kids.

I opened the bag up and much to my surprise there was a ring in it - a yellow gold diamond ring. I was totally surprised. I wasn't expecting it at all but also because I have always only worn silver jewellery.

Anyway. I said thank you to him and about what a surprise it was. I asked him if he would mind if we took it to the shop to exchange it for a silver-toned ring. He was absolutely fine with that. All he really said was that he didn't want a big fancy expensive wedding. I was fine with that as I would much prefer for any money that we had to be put towards a bought home.

All in all the whole engagement/birthday was pretty unromantic but it was fine. I was fine with it.

Two days later we went to the shop. I discovered that the ring had cost him £200. I was quite surprised. I am not materialistic but he earns around £600 per week so it seemed a strange choice by him. The problem was that there was very little alternative rings at that budget in white gold.

Anyway the upshot of it was I got a beautiful ring which he was also pleased with that cost £1500. It was a happier day nothing to do with the cost of the ring but it was a really beautiful ring and everything seemed a lot more personal and lovely.

So that was it for two whole months. Not one discussion followed about anything to do with engagement, marriage, weddings or anything. I thought that was part of the fun of engagement... that the couple would at the very minimum have a wee chat about when they might tie the know, how it might be done, at home, friends, family, exotic beach... but not one discussion. Since he was the one who brought up the proposal for the very first time in our 4 year/2 kid relationship... I assumed that he had given it even just a wee bit of though. One evening, I brought it up, 2 months after we got the ring. When I asked him when he was thinking he might like to get married and how, he said he didn't know, maybe in about three years time. I thought to myself why would we be waiting such a long time if we weren't going to have to save for a big lavish affair? He said he hadn't really given any of it any thought... and he basically told me I was 'bursting his nut' about it. Anyway, I was very upset at this and felt like the whole thing was very half-hearted on his part.

So I gave him the ring back. And I asked him to give it back to me one day once he had given it proper and serious consideration... you know, the whole thing. I felt really hurt and upset by the fact that HE had brought the whole issue up for the very first time but that when I brought it up 2 months later just casually to chat about it... he seemed reluctant. All he said was that he had asked me because he loved me and wanted to prove his commitment to me. But I just feel like, well, he wants to show his commitment to me but not for about another 3 years?! So why the hell did he propose to me? Why did we get engaged? What was the point?

Am I being ungrateful? Am I reading too much into it.

It's been 4 months since his proposal and it's been 2 months since I returned the ring to him. He's still paying it up and it's sitting in it's box in his sock drawer.

I feel like the entire thing was a total farce and I feel really shit about the whole thing. And I miss my ring!!

This is a bit confusing tbh.

He seems to have essentially proposed twice, although not in a down on one knee type way.

And he bought you a ring which you them swapped for one which cost 600% more than the original. Which you then handed back until such times as he can try a bit harder?

If I was him I'd return it to the shop for good!

I think you took the wind out of his sails. He proposes on holiday; you want to talk about it at home. He picks a ring; you want a different one. Im not overly surprised he didn't want to make any other plans, both of the ones he did make were wrong!

I'd agree you've cut your nose off to spite your face, too, and I think you've got some making up to do, even if you think he took your corrections well.

I can't believe you also have the audacity to moan about his second proposal when you essentially panned off his first proposal.

If you're hoping for some kind of magical down-on-one-knee, rainbows sprouting from thin air & raining sparkles debacle then you've got a warped sense of what marriage should be!

OP I think you're being hard done by here because of your comments about the cost of the ring etc. But I don't think that's what you are bothered by. Am I right in thinking that you're upset that he doesn't actually seem to want to get married? He seems to have just proposed for the sake or proposing? I'd be annoyed by that too. I think you need to sit down with him and talk about it properly. And maybe apologise for the ring debacle because might be a bit upset about that!

Nakupenda - I don't think the OP is necessarily "warped" for wanting a clear proposal with some thought behind it. Most men manage to get down on one knee and ask properly - its (hopefully) a once in a lifetime thing, after all!

But I do agree that giving the ring back was going a bit far, under the circumstances. I'm sure if she'd just said, "Oh so was thinking more like in 6 months time", he would have been fine with that.

My DH managed a beautiful proposal even though he was weirdly very nervous, but after that, he didn't really mind about the format for the wedding and just went with it!

I think you both need to sit down together and have a really good long talk. He messed up, you messed up. Start from there and talk about what you feel. He isn't a mind reader. Most men are completely rubbish at the romance thing. They see things in much more practical terms. But we women are also guilty of not being clear on what we actually want and expect them to just know, then get the hump when they don't.

Whatever happens you need to talk about it with him not with us.

You do sound like hard work with the ring thing. If I'd responded in the way you did I'm damn sure my DP and I would not still
be together.

If you ever do get the ring back just go ahead and plan the wedding yourself. Ask for input of course, but just get the thing done. Oh, and from one bride to be to another STAY AWAY FROM PINTREST!

Luckily my now DH couldn't have given a shit that my proposal to him wasn't thought out or that I didn't want an engagement ring. I can't see the issue either?

As for the wedding, that's what you take the time to talk through to mark the start of a marriage. I can't believe you didn't have a conversation with him rather than passive aggressive handing back of the ring and telling him to think things through without having you to talk it through with. Bodes well doesn't it.

like PP Said, he never did anything right in your opinion. Not a good ring, not a romantic proposal, did not time it right etc. Why on earth will he make an effort with the planning when you will definitely find fault with it? You sound like hard work.

I don't really understand 'proper proposal'.

You mean down on one knee in a restaurant kind of thing?

You two seem to go about things in v. different ways. I probably go about things in the same way as your DP...
Could you explain to him your expectations?

The problem with the OP's behaviour, the disapproval of the first proposal, then of the ring, and then the strop and giving the ring back, is that you can't undo that behaviour or unforget it, and now it'll always be linked to their "engagement" and that ring.

How could you or your DP ever have any enjoyment from any proposal, or from from you wearing that particular ring now OP? It'll all feel false or forced, especially after a conversation about your expectations with regards to a proposal.

I think for this to work now you need to scrap the proposal idea, return the ring, and have a very sensible non-romantic conversation about getting married although I don't know how you've moved in and had 2 children with someone without ever discussing marriage.

*forget it

It sounds as if his heart wasn't really in it. Why did neither of you discuss a wedding for two months after the proposal? Where's the excitement? Then he makes it sound as if you are putting pressure on him. I also agree with you, why wait for three years?

The only thing I think he could be offended by is your saying you wanted to choose another ring although he is a tight arse for only spending £200 when he earns £2400 a month.

Please ignore the snide comments on here, it's perfectly understandable what you're saying and I don't think you seem materialistic just because you wanted a ring of your choice. However don't get too upset with him he's probably like my oh who just doesn't see engagement/ wedding stuff as that important (it can still be annoying 22 years later).

I have to laugh at the idea that because the ring was 'just' worth £200 then it was just to shut her up.

An engagement and a marriage proposal should be first and foremost a way to express your love and commitment. It doesn't need a proper way to do it, it doesn't need a ring etc... Getting upset at the form and forgetting the meaning of the proposal is a real shame IMO.

Depends how you said it tbh. The way you phrase it makes it sound like you were telling him he should have been talking about it, which may have led to him feeling got at.

Would it not have been easier to say "hey, I have seen a venue I like, let's go and see it" instead of waiting for him to do it and fail?

I would now go and talk to him, as if he wants to get married, that you don't want to wait 3 years, and would like to crack on. Bygones be bygones and all that.

Btw OP I'm sorry about the answers you got. I'm sure these were not what you were expecting and it must be hard to swallow.

I think you need a talk. About his feelings a d expectations. I think you need to apologise too.
And then maybe heave the uses of marriage and proposal aside fur a while. Talk about what marriage and being in a relationship mean to you. Reconnect.

I wish you all the best there.

Sounds like he couldn't think of a present and decided a proposal would be a good birthday present.

I can see where you're coming from op he's proposed out of the blue and doesn't actually want to get married. It's a bit pointless.

I would also feel like he had done the bare minimum and question why he'd bothered. IMO, there's no point proposing if you're not ready to get into making arrangements for the wedding there and then, no matter how simple it is.

Your ring was not ludicrously expensive. Traditionally it costs a month's wages, so it didn't come close. He was being a real cheap skate there - and perhaps it reflects the priority he's putting on getting married, perhaps it doesn't.

Without knowing him, I don't know if he's crap at gestures, out of his depth, lazy and unappreciative, or genuinely reluctant about tying the knot overall. I think you need to accept that he's never going to do this in the way that you want. You don't have to accept this level of non-effort but I would kiss your knight in shining armour dream goodbye. And then talk seriously. Marriage is exciting and lovely and romantic but more important it's a very serious commitment and needs to be talked about honestly without judgement or blame. You both have to be on the same page and must talk things through without the 'I want' element.

I can understand that you feel upset because you think he isn't interested in actually getting married.

But I think the way you handled it was wrong. I also think that your assumption that he isn't bothered is wrong.

As far as he sees it, you have never talked about it so he probably thought there was no rush. Only to find there is a rush and your pissed off that he should have just known that.

You then handed the ring back and now regret it. You clearly have it back as gesture, expecting a response you didn't get.

That doesn't bode well for marriage or a good relationship. You seem to think that he should read know what you want even when you are saying and doing something different.

You need to talk. Calmly.

Op you are getting s hard time on here. Not necessary

I totally understand..... You wanted a proposal with some kind of plan or at least a bit of input from him.

That's the true commitment.... Not the ring, which as you rightfully say, is sat wasted in his sock drawer!!!

Not unreasonable to have liked some flowers either!

I find this really sad. This is your engagement. Thats the way he asked you, thats the ring he gave you. Okay so it wasn't the way you wanted it to be, but give the guy a break. Giving him the second ring back wasn't a great idea but you can't turn back time.
FWIW I've been engaged for 6 years, had 2 children afterwards so wedding won't be happening any time soon. But we love each other, we've made a commitment and we will make it official one day. I have no idea how much my engagement ring cost and I couldn't care less. DP chose it for me by himself and it's the one he wanted me to have. It's mine and I love it. So sorry but talking about the cost of the ring(s) does come across as a bit materialistic.
You have someone who wants to marry you which should be a lovely thing. It's sad that it's turned into a bit of a mess but you can sort it, you need to sit down together and have a proper talk about what you both want and move past this.

I think the ring is a bit of a red herring here. The real issue is that having proposed marriage he seems to have no interest in actually getting married. op I think you were right to give the ring back. It is more than jewellery, it is a promise of marriage and it doesn't feel as if he is promising that. I think too many young men (and women) think being engaged is a destination in itself; as in 'we're engaged, what more do you want? Stop nagging woman'.

Also, all the posters saying Op is being materialistic - actions are a way of measuring how your partner values and understands you. I think it's the lack of thought and planning which upset the OP more. An expensive ring needs to be planned for.

OP I wouldn't be happy with things either. In terms of advice, more communication needed on both sides.

Jeez, why on earth are you getting a hard time?? I read your OP and I was thinking "good on you girl, you did exactly the right thing".

It's not often you hear of a woman who knows her own mind and what she wants from a relationship enough to say I'm not looking for the hollow gesture; I won't feel brow-beaten into being grateful for your proposal just because you kind of gave me one and, you know, romance. And it's okay to not be breathing a heavy sign of relief that he finally wants to marry you (what with kids and all), and running around making all the plans so he can just sit back and chill and have absolutely ZERO input into it.

It's perfectly okay to choose a ring together too. It's perfectly okay given that you have children and a large degree of joint financial responsibility anyway to decide the budget of that together. Hell, you're going to be wearing it, you do get to like it! It's not like he thought long and hard and thought you'd really like it is it, that's not the impression I'm getting. He didn't invest some huge sentiment in this ring, why should you?

I live with a man I have a child with, and I'm ambivalent about marriage. If we get married I'd want it to be with exactly the same clarity of purpose and commitment from both of us as you've expressed. All I can suggest is that you both sit down and have the conversation "do we actually WANT to get married one day? Is it important to us?" And if you do, what do you want to gain from that? Big wedding? Security? Financial and legal protection? For love and romance?? All fine reasons. Equally fine if you decided you're perfectly happy as you are.

I find this really sad. This is your engagement. Thats the way he asked you, thats the ring he gave you.

Eesh, really? This is your proposal - your "shot" - so you'd better like it?? Absolutely no. There's no reason at all you have to accept a proposal, even from the person you love and want to stay with, even if you really want to marry them, if it doesn't express the love, respect and commitment you're looking for.

This needed be "your proposal". If you get on the same page and both want marriage for the same reasons there can be another proposal. One you might be inclined to accept. A proposal isn't a one-time!