Proposal Debacle... am I stupid to feel this upset about the whole thing?

[gillybeandramaqueen]

I will try to keep this concise!

4 year relationship. 2 kids under 3.

Marriage had never ever even been spoken about until:
June this year when we were on holiday and my other half asked me on the last night of our holiday what I would say if he asked me to marry him? There was no ring or anything, I thought we were just chatting about it. Then he told me that this was him proposing. I told him it was a totally out of the blue surprise that he was bringing it up and that we should chat about it properly when we got home from our holiday.

5 days later was my birthday at home. I could tell he was trying to build up to something as he had asked me to buy a bottle of something at the supermarket. Our young kids were in the throes of bedtime havoc so nothing happened.

Then, he presented me with a card and a jewellery gift bag saying to me 'there's your birthday present' and that was it. There was no flowers or anything like that, nothing else, no 'To Mummy' birthday cards or any token things from our kids.

I opened the bag up and much to my surprise there was a ring in it - a yellow gold diamond ring. I was totally surprised. I wasn't expecting it at all but also because I have always only worn silver jewellery.

Anyway. I said thank you to him and about what a surprise it was. I asked him if he would mind if we took it to the shop to exchange it for a silver-toned ring. He was absolutely fine with that. All he really said was that he didn't want a big fancy expensive wedding. I was fine with that as I would much prefer for any money that we had to be put towards a bought home.

All in all the whole engagement/birthday was pretty unromantic but it was fine. I was fine with it.

Two days later we went to the shop. I discovered that the ring had cost him £200. I was quite surprised. I am not materialistic but he earns around £600 per week so it seemed a strange choice by him. The problem was that there was very little alternative rings at that budget in white gold.

Anyway the upshot of it was I got a beautiful ring which he was also pleased with that cost £1500. It was a happier day nothing to do with the cost of the ring but it was a really beautiful ring and everything seemed a lot more personal and lovely.

So that was it for two whole months. Not one discussion followed about anything to do with engagement, marriage, weddings or anything. I thought that was part of the fun of engagement... that the couple would at the very minimum have a wee chat about when they might tie the know, how it might be done, at home, friends, family, exotic beach... but not one discussion. Since he was the one who brought up the proposal for the very first time in our 4 year/2 kid relationship... I assumed that he had given it even just a wee bit of though. One evening, I brought it up, 2 months after we got the ring. When I asked him when he was thinking he might like to get married and how, he said he didn't know, maybe in about three years time. I thought to myself why would we be waiting such a long time if we weren't going to have to save for a big lavish affair? He said he hadn't really given any of it any thought... and he basically told me I was 'bursting his nut' about it. Anyway, I was very upset at this and felt like the whole thing was very half-hearted on his part.

So I gave him the ring back. And I asked him to give it back to me one day once he had given it proper and serious consideration... you know, the whole thing. I felt really hurt and upset by the fact that HE had brought the whole issue up for the very first time but that when I brought it up 2 months later just casually to chat about it... he seemed reluctant. All he said was that he had asked me because he loved me and wanted to prove his commitment to me. But I just feel like, well, he wants to show his commitment to me but not for about another 3 years?! So why the hell did he propose to me? Why did we get engaged? What was the point?

Am I being ungrateful? Am I reading too much into it.

It's been 4 months since his proposal and it's been 2 months since I returned the ring to him. He's still paying it up and it's sitting in it's box in his sock drawer.

I feel like the entire thing was a total farce and I feel really shit about the whole thing. And I miss my ring!!

*a one-time THING

I think it is entirely reasonable for the OP to expect her dp to put some thought into what kind of ring he buys for someone who doesn't wear gold jewellery, manage to buy the fizzy himself in order to propose and NOT throw his toys out of the pram and imply the OP is nagging because she wants to discuss having a wedding.

I think I would feel upset too OP. Why DID he ask you to marry him if he was going to be cross when the wedding came up for discussion?

I have to say I was cheering you on for returning a £200 ring and coming out with a £1500 ring!

Yes, of course he should show some bloody enthusiasm for the proposal and the wedding. He should be excited by it. Does he normally just throw Christmas presents etc at you?

Thanks so much to EVERYONE who has taken the time today to respond to this.

It has given me a LOT of food for thought... although I definitely am a bit upset by some of the comments on here when I was already feeling really upset. I feel like my position has been a bit misunderstood. I just want to make some things clearer:

It was never about the ring. I wanted to be able to wear his ring for the rest of my life and feel comfortable with it. I have never worn gold in my life, I think it looks horrendous on me and only have silver jewellery. I was a bit baffled as to why he would choose a gold one for me. He did admit that his choice was more to do with the fact that he thought it was traditional and that he didn't pick out a ring which he thought was personal to me. He also said the price of the ring was a bit of an attraction for buying it. To be honest, if he had bought me a £30 silver ring I would have been absolutely happy with that as it's something I would wear forever.

After proposing and getting an absolutely stunning ring which even HE TOO was much happier with... we were both happy. But two months passed and that was why I bought the subject up one evening. I wanted to enjoy the joy and happiness of it, the excitement of it, chatting about possibilities for when and where we might do it... to get excited about it all where there had been nothing for two months.

The fact that he had no clue about any detail whatsoever and the fact that his proposal had seemed so half-hearted made me think and feel that he hadn't given it any serious consideration at all. I am 43 years of age and life is too short for some things. I didn't want to feel that he was proposing for the wrong reasons or because he felt that's what he should do out of obligation because we have two children.

And YES. YES we have had a relationship for 4 years and have 2 young children and had never every mentioned marriage until this point. It just never came up. I think probably in part due to the fact that having 2 children in a 4 year relationship is very busy, distracting and time-consuming.

Perhaps I am hard work. I didn't think I was tbh. If I am however and I am materialistic then why do I feel so upset and undervalued by the whole thing......??????? Like I said already, I was only looking to feel special and valued and not a half-hearted afterthought. It honestly hasn't felt like my partner has put any thought or effort into his proposal which is why I returned the ring to him even though it has broken my heart. Because I do love him very much and I do know that he loves me. But his lack of real effort has made me question everything......

Thanks again for taking the time to read and/or write... xxx

I think the o/p's user name says it all really.....!

If you love him, and he loves you, why are you so hung up on the cost of the ring, having a lavish ceremony?

It should be about the marriage, not the wedding.

I suggest that you are fundamentally incompatible.

Nowhere has the OP said she wants a 'lavish ceremony '! She just wants A ceremony. Not unreasonable considering they are meant to be engaged.....

If you love him, and he loves you...

...but he hasn't yet stepped up to the plate and shown his serious desire to wed and commit to the steps needed to achieve that state of matrimonial bliss... you should totally still be overjoyed at this proposal??

I suggest that you are fundamentally incompatible

Balls. This is how two people of different pages of one single issue (and and otherwise rewarding functioning relationship) get there heads together.

I think the o/p's user name says it all really

Have to say I agree.

If you really think it was a half hearted afterthought of a proposal, then maybe the relationship isn't right

To me, it reads that he was maybe nervous and unsure the first time, and you weren't happy, then tried to do it 'right' and you didn't like the ring, then you don't discuss it any further for months then when you do, you get annoyed with him and give him the ring back

If I was him, I'd feel I couldn't get anything right, and maybe you not mentioning it for those months made him think he'd really cocked up and either through embarrassment or annoyance, he didn't either

I feel sorry for him, and think you owe him an apology

I think you've been given an unnecessarily hard time by some previous posters, TBH...

His whole "proposal" was less than half hearted - getting you to buy some bubbly, giving you an engagement ring as a birthday present, not wanting to discuss it, etc. Oh, and I agree with changing to something you like - I had the same issue with my first husband. The ring he bought was the complete opposite of what I'd normally wear and after wearing it for 24hrs, I had to change it as it couldn't see myself wearing it everyday for the rest of my life. So, we swapped the fancy, blinged-up diamonds in yellow gold, for a simple white gold band with a very small imbedded diamond.

However...I think your issues are way bigger that how he proposed and you handing back the ring. It seems like you just don't talk. Four years and two kids, yet you couldn't bring up the subject of planning your wedding for two months after your proposal? He proposed out of the blue and you waited to talk about it, leading him to make you wait until your birthday? You just don't seem to have the same life goals, so perhaps getting married is the least of your problems.

OP, let's break it down.

I've never had a proposal, when now DH and I decided about getting married there was no ring, no 'will you marry me' but we've been very happily married for a very long time and are still in love.

What you seem to be missing is romance. You've seen films and heard about other people's theatrical surprises with all the glitz, planning, the element of suprise and the gifts. Most of real life isn't like that and for every proposal that goes that way, there are marriages which fail. There's a lot of pressure to be seen to be doing things. I don't get flowers, chocolates, even cards, but I get more impressive things in an unassuming and quiet way that makes me happy.

I've accepted that my DH isn't romantic and doesn't do surprises and productions, but what he very much is, is kind and loving.

Instead of an ultimatum that you'll wear his ring when he's thought some more about how he should be approaching your engagement and marriage, which, if you don't mind me saying comes across rather like sending a naughty child to go and think about what they've done - sit and explain that it's exciting for you and you would like to chat over what your joint hopes are to plan a wedding you'll both enjoy. Impress on him that it's not about the size of the event, the cost or even being the centre of attention, it's something that should be special in its own way.

Just remember that not everyone thinks about the fine details and you should know your DP to properly decide whether he's just being true to his nature, or whether he's actually letting you down. If you're actually happy together as a couple and as parents, you can work this out, but don't make him feel he's got it so wrong and that you're either disappointed in him, or pressuring him, he's only likely to back off more if he feels that way.

You do sound hard work. Do you actually want to get married? To him? If so have a proper grown up conversation about it. If someone proposes to you you don't get to dictate how and when etc.

Look, you've been living together for four years and have two children under three - don't you think a proposal and engagement (traditions from the days when you would barely have been alone together before a formal proposal) is more than a bit ridiculous under the circumstances? You're already together and committed, just go ahead and marry one another. Assuming both of you have always been open to marriage, rather than ideologically opposed to it, why hasn't it come up before now?

Jesus, do people even bother reading the OP's updates?! She's explained it all much more in her latest post and it makes perfect sense. She's not wanting a romantic proposal with an expensive ring. She just wants her DP to actually consider the marriage part. He put no thought into the concept of the marriage, let alone the proposal! He's admitted that.

OP - just talk to him and explain why you don't want to wait such a long time and why you were disappointed. I'm sure he'll be understanding and come to some agreement about how to move forward

She just wants her DP to actually consider the marriage part.

Wedding, surely?

And what exactly is preventing her saying what sort of wedding she would like and when rather than giving back the ring (after swapping it from the one he chose) folding her arms and sounding more than a little sulky? It's not very.... adult.

It's not unreasonable to want a bit of romance and excitement, but it IS unreasonable to behave badly if you don't get them. He proposed; you said "let's discuss this at home"; he gives you a ring; you're not happy with it - it's hardly a surprise he's reluctant to discuss a wedding when you've rained on his parade TWICE.
I think the ball is in your court now, you need to do some making it up to him, and you both need to communicate more (difficult when you're on the front line of child-rearing). I hope you work it out op.

If someone proposes to you you don't get to dictate how and when etc.

What, and you don't get to go back to them and say "I don't think you've really thought this through darling, and I'm a little disappointed. Come back to me when you're really ready to do this and we could perhaps give it another go"?

^She just wants her DP to actually consider the marriage part.*

Wedding, surely?

Yes, this. They're already 'married' in all but the legal sense. They should just get on with it.

They're already 'married' in all but the legal sense

The legal sense is a bloody big bit of it.

OP - I don't think you sound like hard work at all.

You've been with this man for years and given him two DC. You have already proved you can both do the "real" stuff of a relationship.

It sounds like you didn't even need your DP to propose. But as he decided to do it, at this stage, what is the point in a half-hearted attempt? He had nothing to worry about at all - it's not as if you would have said no, is it?

It is perfectly possible and very easy to make meaningful and romantic gestures at any point in life. No real life is not like the movies, but at certain points it should be far better. Everybody should expect this and why not?

If you don't make an effort when you propose, then when? If he doesn't make you feel special, who will?

Who buys their own champagne fgs?

However, you can both salvage this if you just tell him how you would have liked a more thoughtful romantic gesture after all these years. You have children and much to celebrate. You love him and you don't want to wait for years. You want to be his wife as soon as possible and for it to mean something to you both. He can hardly be offended by that.

Then the ball is in his court to come up with something and I'm sure you can put all this behind you, have the wedding day you want and celebrate your lives together.

I don't understand how you get to a point where you have lived together for four years, have two children together and yet marriage has never come up in conversation? . The reality is that by having children together you are already tied to one another for the rest of your lives, so where does the whole romantic marriage thing come into it at this stage?

It strikes me that he hadn't wanted it to be a romantic proposal, that it was ment to be a "we've been together for four years, have two children together, and perhaps we should get married?" Type of conversation. A perfectly normal thought for someone in your situation. But you wanted more, you wanted gestures and rings and then replacement rings etc. he didn't buy a cheap ring because he didn't want to marry you, he bought a cheap ring because it's a gesture of you wanting to get married. You already have two children, you're already committed to one another. Marriage is just an afterthought at that stage, something which you really should do after two kids together, IMO.

At the risk of being flamed, the proposal doesn't have the same significance after having the kids as before. Because wanting to spend the rest of your lives together shouldn't be in question at the point you've already had the kids, iyswim.

You need to have a conversation about what you want for your future. Do you want to get married or not? And if not, why not? And if so, what kind of wedding do you want and when?

I am engaged to DP, and when we got engaged it was as a commitment to the future, because we're not in a position to get married ATM for various reasons. So not being able to make firm plans was a part of that thought. And even the proposal wasn't really a proposal. But then we have both been married before. But we talked about it and then talked to my DS about it because needed to be sure that he was happy as well. but what was important was the fact that we were both on the same page about it.

Also, for the posters talking about the cost of the ring/how the DP should have applied more thought/how it should be a month's salary etc etc, these are all concepts invented by de beers in the 1930's in order to increase sales of diamonds. Diamonds which, incidentally are artificially inflated in price by the company holding back stocks of them in order to keep the prices high. The OP's £1500 ring is now probably worth about £350. Not that the cost of it matters now since she's obviously not going to sell it, but it does in terms of the fact that it's obviously been over-priced in the first place and therefore the price paid for it should hold no relevance in terms of its value to the OP.

I think a proposal should be romantic, thought about and prepared for. Special. Something you are proud to tell people about and makes you smile inside. Clearing the OH does not know his girlfriend very well to think she would be happy with this.

I do not think OP is upset about the cost of the ring, it's the manner of the proposal and the fact he has not been loved up and excited about being engaged to the love of his life.

I totally get why you would be upset. My ex husbands proposal was a pretty boring one too on Christmas Day. I had already guessed what he was going to do and when I realised it was imminent I put some romantic music on to try and make it a bit better. IMO he should have prepared something more thoughtful.

I hate James blunt 'your beautiful' now

I love how these threads can become a race to the bottom with posters trying to too each other with how cheap/low key their marriage arrangements were.... Just waiting for someone to come along with a

'we got married on our lunch breaks with traffic wardens as witnesses using a cheerio as a ring.... That's how much we love each other '

The point here is that Op's personal hopes, dreams, expectations have not been met. It's ok to acknowledge that.

If the fiancée had got the ring wrong but had clearly put a huge amount of thought into trying to make the OP feel special then it would have been ungrateful to feel disappointed. This is not what happened.