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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Fiancé didn't come home last night

577 replies

Jemima1985 · 11/09/2016 21:45

My finance went it last night, I dropped him at the pub and 2am he text me saying he was at his mates house and he'll be home soon! He is still not home (it's nearly 10pm) now next night and I'm worried sick. His mum said she saw him with 3 lads at 11.30am and he ran past her house so she thinks he is probably asleep at a mates house sleeping off a hangover. I can't help but worry myself sick and think the worst

OP posts:
Lilaclily · 12/09/2016 07:13

So long as op has contacted the people he's with so they know he hasn't come home ( which she's done through face book ) they'd be raising the alarm Re river scenarios

As they're not he's clearly with one of them

Purplehonesty · 12/09/2016 07:16

OP I'm sorry you are going through this you must be so worried

Please make this the last time you ever worry about him like this.

He needs to go. Not acceptable.

And if he is in hospital due to drink/drugs he still needs to go. Not husband material

willowcatkin111 · 12/09/2016 07:17

I hope by now you have reported him missing.
I am usually the one who goes missing (depressed & suicidal) and dh calls the police straight away and they are out looking immediately - one time 6 of them including a police dog eventually located me Blush
Point is, the police are the right people to contact. They may already know where he is and be able to reassure you

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 07:17

I've just read all of this.

You are an absolute fool if you go ahead and marry this man. Even if if turns out something has happened to him since his mum saw him, by that point he had already not been home when he said he would and failed to contact you.

He's not worth it and you're falling into the trap of seeing him as a vulnerable little boy who needs looking after when he is, in fact, a man.

LouisvilleLlama · 12/09/2016 07:19

Lilac

See if i were in a long relationship living with a person I would probably expect to ring to say he's missing, say his uncle does it and he comes back to op it's always going op -> uncle -> Police. And I'd expect the same if it was a sibling that their long term partners were probably the first port of call

allthecarbs · 12/09/2016 07:19

Late to the thread but bloody hell op, I feel awful for you!
He needs to be reported missing. If he's genuinely in need of help then you'll be glad you did and if he's pudding around then maybe a shock from the police is what he needs.

Hope you find out either way soon, you must be so anxious Sad

allthecarbs · 12/09/2016 07:21

P's other posters are right, he's a grown man and needs to act like it. Yes he needs supporting with his depression but this behaviour is unacceptable.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 07:24

There is something that I wish someone had said to me years ago.

It's easy for you to think, "this is just the depression, he'll get better" or "he's only 25, he'll grow up" or "when he sees how much he hurts me, he'll change".

This is a Very Bad Idea. You need to consider that this is the best it's going to be. You can't go into this thinking that it will get better because it doesn't. All that happens is you get more and more frustrated with it and have your life impacted on increasingly negatively.

Of course some people change, but they do that because they want to and not because someone else begs and pleads with them to. You need to accept that the man he is now is the one you are planning to marry and the man he is now is the one you would be spending your life with, not some idealised, future, potential version of him.

And I'm sure the sadness of his past tugs and your heartstrings and all, but that is not a good enough reason to marry him.

MaryField · 12/09/2016 07:26

For your sake I hope you hear soon but please don't accept any excuses when he eventually turns up. 'Phone died' I think is the usual man-child excuse. After being spotted yesterday morning I'm afraid my concern would have turned to anger by now and I would already be getting his stuff arranged neatly on the lawn. Take care of yourself op, that's the most important thing.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 07:27

I have reported him missing. Since then his uncle sent a work bloke round to the other blokes house who I suspected he was with and his mum said her son and my boyfriend were together yesterday and her son is not at home either. I know her son bought drugs on Friday so it seems this is a blender and not him suicidal or dead somewhere!

OP posts:
Elland · 12/09/2016 07:29

I'm furious for you OP! There's no excuses for making you worry like this!

hesterton · 12/09/2016 07:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GeneralBobbit · 12/09/2016 07:31

Well at least you now know he's with the other lad on a bender.

Get ready to go to work, something tells me you're going to need your careerFlowers

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 07:31

Well, he can fuck off then, can't he?

You deserve so much better than this. You must be able to see that!

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 07:32

His mum is furious! As soon as I told her the lad he was with she said 'drugs will be involved with him' she said he's got another thing coming if he thinks he can crash on my sofa

OP posts:
blueskyinmarch · 12/09/2016 07:33

Very grown up - going on a drugs bender, missing work and not letting your fiancé know where you are. He sounds like a real catch.

ShebaShimmyShake · 12/09/2016 07:33

Don't imagine you can change or save him. You can't. And definitely don't imagine that having a child together will make him change. The Relationships board is full of women who thought their men would change by becoming fathers and are now effectively single parents while the men continue as they ever did. I hope he is found safe and well, but if he is, don't imagine he will change.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 07:34

My worry has turned to anger!!!! He's probably spent hundreds which could have gone to the wedding. I am going to get ready and go to work and try to block it out of my head. The thought of him taking drugs and missing work makes me sick to my stomach

OP posts:
OnionKnight · 12/09/2016 07:34

You deserve so much more than this OP.

regularbutpanickingabit · 12/09/2016 07:34

Why on earth do you care about what his mum thinks about you reporting him missing??
Call 101. Tell them what you know. Tell them timings, sightings and previous reactions to trauma.
Then go to work and leave the police to do their job.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 12/09/2016 07:35

You have spent an entire weekend of your life that you are never going to get back worrying about this prick, whilst he's been out on a bender, having fun and not giving you a second thought.

regularbutpanickingabit · 12/09/2016 07:36

Sorry, massive crossed post.
Glad you reported it and now everyone knows what an idiot he is.
But. This is his normal now. You didn't report after the first night, or the next day, or until the morning after that. He knows you will nor report him missing again until at least that amount has passed.
Do you want to go through this again? Because you will.

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 07:36

I have reported to the police and I've phones them back to update on the news the other lad is also not home

OP posts:
usernotavail · 12/09/2016 07:37

Yes go to work and try to distract yourself and clear your head from the past few days. It will help you think clearer. How selfish is he?

Original poster
Jemima1985 · 12/09/2016 07:38

No I don't want to go through this again. I thought someone had to be missing 24 hours before they investigated to be honest

OP posts:
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