Daughter has turned into a little shit, since starting Uni

[HuskyLover1]

I am so upset. And fucking bewildered actually. My DD started Uni recently (well they are still on Freshers), in a city about 2.5 hours from me. She's the last child to go, so it's not me being PFB or anything!!

We have had a very emotional year (on her part), as her offer was conditional and we didn't know until 9th August if she had a place. One subject was crucial for her to pass, and she was struggling, so I found a private tutor and she had tuition for 6 months every Sunday morning (bloody early), so it was quite demanding.

I bought absolutely everything she needed for her flat, and I moved her in last week. I don't earn a lot, but I paid for it all. Her Dad (who earns £130k per year contributed zero and did not help with the move).

Prior to moving in we got on really well. I probably spoiled her, tbh.

Well, now she is there, she's turned in to a bloody cow! I am totally perplexed. I have only spoken to her twice in this first week and her attitude was very much along the lines of "what do you want". She called me tonight to tell me that she has broken her Iphone 6 screen, and given that I had her on the phone, I asked how things were going and she was so rude and dismissive of me. For eg: Me: how are you. Her: "Fine why do you want to know, I don't have time to talk to you".

Bloody horrible. I was going to drive up and see her later this month, treat her to lunch and take her shopping. Don't think I'm going to go now :-(

But, the OP doing those things wasn't completely effortless and the dd is old enough to know that her mum does make an effort for her and that deserves kindness and care in return.

I agree, and the OP should call her daughter on this rudeness in my opinion.

Wrt the tutoring and making her bacon sarnies and coffee etc, yes, that is what good parents do for their children and it doesn't mean the kids owe us undying gratitute. They should be able to take it for granted that we will always do our best for them.

In which case comments about tutoring, bacon sandwiches and fresh coffee, shopping and flats are irrelevant to the complaint about rudeness this week.

is it possible that she is really missing you and is lashing out in a crap way?

No. She's not the kind to miss me/home at all (which I'm grateful for).

Shakespeare wrote, 'How sharper than a serpent's tooth it is to have a thankless child.'

I love that! How true.

My daughter went through this ungrateful phase too , but you wouldn't know it now- she's constantly texting & phoning & wanting to meet up

That's really good to know and gives me hope

Mine hasn't even gone yet and has called me the C word twenty times in the past few weeks

Wow, that's awful

You mention the six months of tutoring you organised for her, and furnishing her flat. Do you think that there's a chance you've done things for her that she was capable of doing for herself?

Not really. She's only 17. Hasn't passed her diving test yet and doesn't have a lot of money. She is getting a job though, so will gain some further independence with that (financially).

I don't get the impression the OP wants lifelong gratitude, just for her dd to be polite and nice on the phone, instead of behaving as if her mum's only value is to provide replacement iphone screens

Totally agree. Her tone and what she said was just awful. Both DH and I were left open mouthed as the call clicked off. I have never in my life spoken to my Mum like this.

Ah well. I'm going to try not to dwell too much on it. I did send her a message via FB, to say that I didn't like her tone and she has apologised. I won't be calling her again. Will keep it super light, maybe a few FB messages here and there and like a PP suggested, not ask "how are you/how is the course", will make it about other topics. The chat pop up on FB is quite good, as I can see when she was last on FB and at least show she is ok, without even having to message, iyswim.

I can't even imagine my mother thinking that I only went to uni because of her. She payed school fees for years and ferried me about all over the place. I phone her every day now because I want to, not because I feel obligated to. I called her once a week if that at Uni. The fact that you're automatically thinking about how to take something away from her (future holiday) is worrying. Go away as a couple because your DC are all grown up, not as some attempt to punish her for ungratefulness.

The bacon sandwiches reminds me of a poster who always seems to focus on weirdly specific details of what she did for her DD. Birthday cakes and balloons, an orchid in a pot. She seems genuinely perplexed that she did these things and yet her daughter doesn't want a relationship with her.

You dropped her off so you know she's safe. Give her some space.

I'm beginning to think the new motto of MN should be "if you want to feel ten times more shit than before you posted get on MN!"

I'd step away now if I were you OP, lots of ridiculous extrapolation going on here which is not worth addressing imvho.

I don't see any of this as reason for bad manners. I moved out; I didn't tell my mother "I don't have time to talk to you." Some respect for others could go a long way. She'll not be treated with kid gloves if she speaks to a lecturer or manager that way.

From here I'd say cool it; don't call her, don't go visit. Treat her like a friend who's treated you particularly shittily. If she calls you, perhaps you'll be too busy to talk - you're certainly too busy to entertain ludicrous notions like replacing her broken things.

She will likely realise how rude she's been and miss you once you're at a greater distance, as in you're no longer there to be her verbal punchbag or bail her out.

To me it sounds as if she was hoping you'd jump in and fund the phone screen repair and when you responded with an 'oh dear sort it yourself' type message (which is perfectly acceptable BTW!) she got rage and behaved badly.

Leave her to it OP, get out and do your own thing and wait for her to approach you. Forget the girly shopping and lunch trip, she'll probably want that when she's in her 20s.

I see so many posts on here where people are moaning about parents/inlaws and it saddens me to think so many people see there parents as little more than a burden and see it as inconvenient obligation to have to call/visit them.
if your parents were good to you then you should want contact,want to call them even actually visit them sometime after all they did actually invest a good few years bringing you up.
visiting my nan in a care home we were often the only visitors there,the other residents did have sons and daughters only they never visited them.
other cultures love and respect family so much more than we do here
op has a right to be angry as a parent you give your all for your children so it's pretty hurtful if you are seen as just an inconvenience after.

Yy Nicki. Some people on MN are determined to put the worst possible spin on things.

Agree totally with Nicki. Some posters seem desperate to be 'cool parents' who think kids should be able to expect everything and give nothing, not even basic politeness and consideration, in return. I for one don't think making toast and bacon sandwiches for a teen is a basic parental duty (making sure they can eat or get their own food sorted, yes; clearly the OP was trying to go further and provide comfort food) any more than I would consider it a 'basic expectation' of teenage children that they make coffee and bacon sandwiches for me when I have work to do. If they did so I'd appreciate it for the kindness it was. Shame the DD has (temporarily, I hope) lost sight of that.

I genuinely think she had a tantrum because you didn't offer to pay for the iphone. That's probably as deep as it goes, rather than a full-on personality change.

I would suggest when she gets a job she gets insurance for the phone tbh!

Haven't RTFT but STOP CALLING HER! Truly, leave her to settle and just, perhaps text her every day or two. Yes,mshe has been rude but I'm guessing she's been there less than a week so it's a bit soon to call her a stroppy cow. I also bet she's showing off in front of new friends who are all pretending to be really cool.

I so get the ungrateful thing, too. I've just set my ds up with everything he needs for his new flat and he could barely be bothered to look. His gf was almost tearful with gratitude though so probably a 'mum thing'.

She will get over this phase,mi would cool right down and keep it breezy.

How can she 17 and starting university? All pupils turn 18 in year 13 or in the summer holidays that follow.
If your daughter was so bright she skipped a year, why did she need a tutor in order to pass an A level?

Some kids start uni at 17 in Scotland.....My DS will be too young to legally drink in his freshers week if he doesn't have a gap year! Some Scottish schools do offer a levels though it is less common

Three kids, all at, or going to, uni.

You are naturally concerned, you're her mum. You're still at home, and missing her.

She's entered a new phase in her life. You are both at different and difficult stages.

She may be homesick, so is irrationally, blaming you. Don't try and figure this out, it happens.

She may be having a fab time, and resent the intrusion. It happens.

My advice, back off. Light hearted occasional texts, about stuff, not asking her questions.

She will be your daughter again. She will appreciate all you've done. But this might not be as soon as you want. Just fill your days up for you.

When she comes home, pick her up on rudeness, your house, your rules and standards.

Don't think too far ahead, don't plan a visit until she suggests it.

And you did well with the private tutor etc. But don't expect thanks for this yet. When she reflects on this stage in years to come, you'll hopefully get thanked then. If not, put it down to part and parcel of being a mum.

Thank you all for your kind support, I feel so much better today. I am so glad that I called her out on her rudeness. I feel like I've been her emotional punchbag this past year, always trying to make her feel better, it's been quite trying. I've let her get away with far too much, because I knew she was anxious. I didn't make contact today, however, she's obviously reflected on her rudeness and has sent me some lovely texts. So, all is good again. For now anyway! I did not pay to get the phone fixed. She did.

How can she 17 and starting university? All pupils turn 18 in year 13 or in the summer holidays that follow. If your daughter was so bright she skipped a year, why did she need a tutor in order to pass an A level?

We are in Scotland. We are English, but moved up here many years ago with work. I can never quite figure out why the kids here finish school a year younger. We don't have a Reception year in Primary school, but I think we have an extra year at Primary? Kids tend to be 12 when they leave. We don't have lower and upper Sixth at High School. There's just one year for 6th Year. Kids do 7 years at Primary (we call it P1 - P7), then they do a minimum of 4 years at Senior School (S1 - S4). By S4 they are 16 and can leave. In S4 they sit their equivalent of O'Levels. Students going to Uni have to do S5 as a minimum, but most do S6 as well. In S5 you sit your equivalent of A Levels. In S6 you sit your Advanced A Levels. So my DD didn't jump a year. For the private tutored subject, she sat her A level in S5 and got an outright fail. She re-sat in S6 and got an A. This is what got her in to Uni.

Hope that makes sense!

Oh and some of her peers just starting Uni are 16! They went straight in after S5 ! I guess that doesn't happen in England. It's odd, as they can't drink in Freshers. Although I'm sure they will find a way. My DS (older) got my DS a fake ID for freshers. The irony is she doesn't really like alcohol yet I'm sure by 40 she'll be knocking back the vino like her mother

• Got my DD a fake ID

I don't think a visit is a brilliant idea. When I was at uni, I felt like my parents shouldn't be constantly questioning/checking. I was absolutely horrified when they visited during my final year and stayed at the house I shared!! It was weird, awkward, I hated it, they were furious that I closed the door when they left and didn't check the their car started!

Let her get on with it, op and enjoy the freedom.

I could have written this post myself! My daughter constantly has me in tears and she knows just how to push my buttons but seeing your post has helped me rationalise a bit more. My daughter managed to run up nearly a grand in parking fines and I paid the lot. All I got was "do you expect me to kiss your feet forever?" 😡

Actually I always sort stuff out for her because I love her.

Firstly they're most probably a little/very spoilt but I think they know your their rock so you're the only thing they can push and they know you'll still be there. I think we're the proverbial punch bags for a lot of things we don't even know about that's going on in their lives. Plus mums and daughters ... 😉. I was the same when I was younger and I love my mum to bits now (as soon as I had kids!).

There are some OTT replies on this thread. The phone calls were perfectly ok - I still speak to my DC once or twice a week and the oldest one is in his sixth year at Uni.
I'd be mad if my DC had talked to me like that. If she was busy then all she had to do was say she was busy. It's not hard.
I think you did the right thing to message her and tell her you found her rude and I'm glad she apologized.
Hopefully it was just a one off caused by stress or tiredness or whatever.
Id wait and see about the visit. I tended not to visit as the terms are fairly short and they were busy.
I wouldn't worry about this too much. Your DD has behaved brattishly but hopefully it will blow over.

The thing is, on the drive to Uni, she was REALLY miserable and quiet. Which is totally confusing, as she has been so adamant that she wanted to go.

It's about her independence, but it's scary for her. Hence the ambivalence, and sadly - the bad behaviour. She's acting out, and focusing on you, because you're the security figure for her.

And I expect she's picking up on your imminent "empty nest" feeling which you may not have said anything about, but I expect she's picked up, if she's your youngest.

I'm afraid you need to suck up the emotional bad behaviour - or ride over it. I guess you can make other sorts of decisions about money & replacing things and so on.

My daughter leaves next week and I feel sick at the thought of it going to uni. She has been an absolute cow before hand. And only this week she has asked can we try not to fight.

If she's not replying to messages
Or not ringing you them tell her she needs to pay to fix it if she wants her independence give it to her .

It is tough being a parent.
It is equally tough growing up especially nowaday.
There is a lot of competition in good unis.
So I would go and empower her. I would remind her:
her determination, her hard work (sacrifying each Sunday to learn
something that did not come easily to her) that resulted in success. I would ask her to tap into this strength and your emotional support as a parent to face the course and her peers. I would also tell her that as long as she has friends to talk with about her issues I will not press her to discuss them with me. Of course I would also remind her that good manners are very important in life; and good manners mean that she must speak nicely to her mum. If she is emotionally overwhelmed by the new situation then she just should say it in a nice way 'Mum it is VERY DIFFICULT for me right now. I prefer not to talk about it all now with you.' Again it is fine as long as she has some friends in whom she can confide. Friends do not need to be from the same uni or even in uni. So what I would worry about right now is whether she has good and nice friends or not. Daughters can be stroppy but then they realise it and apologise about it. Good Luck