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Original poster

Daughter has turned into a little shit, since starting Uni

101 replies

HuskyLover1 · 08/09/2016 21:14

I am so upset. And fucking bewildered actually. My DD started Uni recently (well they are still on Freshers), in a city about 2.5 hours from me. She's the last child to go, so it's not me being PFB or anything!!

We have had a very emotional year (on her part), as her offer was conditional and we didn't know until 9th August if she had a place. One subject was crucial for her to pass, and she was struggling, so I found a private tutor and she had tuition for 6 months every Sunday morning (bloody early), so it was quite demanding.

I bought absolutely everything she needed for her flat, and I moved her in last week. I don't earn a lot, but I paid for it all. Her Dad (who earns £130k per year contributed zero and did not help with the move).

Prior to moving in we got on really well. I probably spoiled her, tbh.

Well, now she is there, she's turned in to a bloody cow! I am totally perplexed. I have only spoken to her twice in this first week and her attitude was very much along the lines of "what do you want". She called me tonight to tell me that she has broken her Iphone 6 screen, and given that I had her on the phone, I asked how things were going and she was so rude and dismissive of me. For eg: Me: how are you. Her: "Fine why do you want to know, I don't have time to talk to you".

Bloody horrible. I was going to drive up and see her later this month, treat her to lunch and take her shopping. Don't think I'm going to go now :-(

OP posts:
user1471439240 · 08/09/2016 23:00

Only you know your daughter.
It's scary moving away. She's probably feeling the angst you feel in spades. She doesn't want you to be upset. Just be there for her when she needs you. It will find a new level. Be proud she is coping so well.

pasic · 08/09/2016 23:41

Wine cheers, kids eh!

BeautifulMaudOHara · 08/09/2016 23:43

Mine hasn't even gone yet and has called me the C word twenty times in the past few weeks. So I'd say she's fine and it could be worse!

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 08/09/2016 23:48

Jesus. If by "c word" you mean cunt, I can promise you if my near adult child called me that once he would be gone already. Shock
I left home without a backward glance at 17 op (and my mum paid for nowt) so agree, give her some space, but don't accept disrespect either.

user1469553305 · 08/09/2016 23:49

Wish my mom had been so lovely when I went to Uni. They drove me to Leeds, pulled up at my student accommodation, unpacked the car and drove off saying "see you at Christmas!". I was a bit Shock. To be fair, I was a demon child, so I suspect they high fived and got monumentally drunk when they got home.

QueenLizIII · 09/09/2016 00:20

I wasnt homesick at all really when I first started. It was exciting. Then to get messages from home, call home urgently.

I called the first night, not the second. Third night, frantic call from home about how worried she was Confused Hmm WTAF.

I changed alot from 18-22. Got more independant less shy, more assertive.
You've changed so much and your opinions was said to me a scathing and condescending tone. Yah. That happens: sorry you dont like it.

trufflehunterthebadger · 09/09/2016 00:20

Goodness when i was at uni there weren't mobiles and parents were lucky to get the occasional phone call from the hall's payphone !
She's enjoying freshers week, probably drinking and getting up to all sorts. Dont worry, she'll come back to you Flowers

CafeCremeEtCroissant · 09/09/2016 00:22

Twice - in Freshers Week? 😳🙄😁. Blimey, cut the girl some slack! She's finding her feet, making friends, getting monumentally drunk & either having a fantastic time or feeling homesick. Having Mum phone & fret is not going to help in either situation.

Trust that you've brought her up to be independant & able to sort herself out.

Eventually she'll re-emerge as a half decent human being again. Until then drink wine & enjoy the peace!

SweeneyAstray · 09/09/2016 00:27

Like Morris, I waltzed out the door at 18 without a backward glance and never lived at home again - and in fact, never lived in my home country after graduating. Also of the pre-mobiles generation who made very occasional phonecalls from payphones but tended to write fairly regularly.

Back off, OP, in the nicest possible way. She's launching herself on the world. Go and enjoy yourself too.

stonecircle · 09/09/2016 00:34

Well ds2 is the loveliest boy in the world. I enjoy his company immensely and he seems to enjoy mine. I think he contacted us twice in the whole of his first year. He did respond to texts and FaceTime calls but practically never initiated them.

Cut her some slack. Be grateful that she's not ringing you up every day in floods of tears because she's homesick (like I did on my first couple of months at uni).

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/09/2016 00:35

I think she's distancing herself for self preservation. Give her space. She'll come back in time.

QueenLizIII · 09/09/2016 00:38

I think she's distancing herself for self preservation.

Or she just doesnt give a shit. Is happy away from home.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 09/09/2016 00:41

Possibly. But not definitely. We don't know.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 09/09/2016 00:48

Leave her alone for a week and wait for her to call you she is probably stressed. They are probably loading her up with assignments etc etc.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 09/09/2016 00:51

QueenLizIII if my daughters ever spoke to me how you portray yourself on here. I would tell her she is not to old for me to give her a clip on the ear. This is the second thread I have seen you on and you sound so angry what did you're mother do to you.

Glastokitty · 09/09/2016 00:51

I'm another one who skipped off without a backward glance, and (reluctantly) queued up at the phone box once a week to phone mum. I loved my mother dearly, and still do, but was more than ready for my freedom. Actually, in hindsight I'm bloody glad we didn't have mobile phones in my day, having mum check up on me would have cramped my style no end (as we used to say :)). Don't worry about her, she'll be fine. And make her pay for her own phone screen!

QueenLizIII · 09/09/2016 00:56

QueenLizIII if my daughters ever spoke to me how you portray yourself on here. I would tell her she is not to old for me to give her a clip on the ear. This is the second thread I have seen you on and you sound so angry what did you're mother do to you.

Well I bet you didnt hit your kids frequently, make them terrified of you, put them down, belittle everything they achieved as not good enough whilst offering no support, object to them asserting any independence away from you and guilt trip them for so doing.

Maybe you do treat them so....you'd clip your kids round the ear. How nice.

QueenLizIII · 09/09/2016 00:57

This is the second thread I have seen you on and you sound so angry what did you're mother do to you.

Just two threads....wow. Massive precedent set.

Sunshineonacloudyday · 09/09/2016 01:12

Well I bet you didnt hit your kids frequently, make them terrified of you, put them down, belittle everything they achieved as not good enough whilst offering no support, object to them asserting any independence away from you and guilt trip them for so doing.

That sounds evil I'm nothing like that. My kids are all spoilt even my 18 month old does what he likes. My eldest daughter is in boarding school and she is about to do grade 4 piano and soon grade 3 viola. Second child grade 1 piano and viola. 3rd child prep test and 4th child potty training. If anything I want them independent and at the same time respect others. I'm guessing you don't have children it all costs a lot of money.

TendonQueen · 09/09/2016 01:14

Did no one notice that the DD called her mother to tell her about the cracked phone screen, not the other way around? So OP has only called once. Plus I am assuming this was a coded way of expecting OP to replace or repair the phone for her?

She is being rude and ungrateful but all you can do is back off for now. Let her settle down, and if she is grabby, you can then remind her of all the support you gave in getting her there and point out that you'll be always be there but that now she's an independent adult she's standing on her own two feet.

SandyY2K · 09/09/2016 01:25

I was her age. I went to Uni and I never spoke to my mum like that.
Stop calling her. If she needs you she knows where you are. There's no excuse for her rudeness. She could easily give you a call back if her new fridge were there.

Start busying yourself now that she's left. Join clubs, find a hobby ... a night class. She thinks your world revolves around her. Well show her it doesn't.

Beeziekn33ze · 09/09/2016 01:29

Maybe things aren't going all that well for her so she's hitting out at you. As other posters have said, it might be best back off, she'll be in touch soon enough.
I could never tell my mother when things weren't going well when I was that age.

LittlePaintBox · 09/09/2016 01:36

I think it's a bit different with girls - I only have boys so I had to get used to the fact that it was a bit of a clean break when they went to uni.

My younger son made it very clear that I was not to ring him under any circumstances other than dire emergency when he left for uni. He went to the local uni where his dad works and he told his dad not to speak to him if they passed on campus as he didn't want anyone to know he was related to a member of staff!

Moving it on a few years, we are very close to both of them and the younger one has moved back home twice for a few months while sorting out his latest career move.

I found it really hard when the younger one left, but I got used to having more time and space to myself remarkably quickly. Wine will definitely help.

georgethecat · 09/09/2016 06:28

Yup she's becoming independent and trying to do the 'I don't need you' thing.

I did the same (20 yrs ago) but was homesick, trying to convince self & trying to look cool.

Now live in next street to m&d and see them everyday!

She'll settle down x

BarbarianMum · 09/09/2016 08:33

I didn't call my parents for 2 weeks when I went to uni. After that a phone card arrived in the post (this was pre-mobiles) and I'd speak to them once a week.
Give her space. Don't hassle her and don't rescue her by paying for her Iphone to be fixed. Time to play grown ups.