Daughter has turned into a little shit, since starting Uni

[HuskyLover1]

I am so upset. And fucking bewildered actually. My DD started Uni recently (well they are still on Freshers), in a city about 2.5 hours from me. She's the last child to go, so it's not me being PFB or anything!!

We have had a very emotional year (on her part), as her offer was conditional and we didn't know until 9th August if she had a place. One subject was crucial for her to pass, and she was struggling, so I found a private tutor and she had tuition for 6 months every Sunday morning (bloody early), so it was quite demanding.

I bought absolutely everything she needed for her flat, and I moved her in last week. I don't earn a lot, but I paid for it all. Her Dad (who earns £130k per year contributed zero and did not help with the move).

Prior to moving in we got on really well. I probably spoiled her, tbh.

Well, now she is there, she's turned in to a bloody cow! I am totally perplexed. I have only spoken to her twice in this first week and her attitude was very much along the lines of "what do you want". She called me tonight to tell me that she has broken her Iphone 6 screen, and given that I had her on the phone, I asked how things were going and she was so rude and dismissive of me. For eg: Me: how are you. Her: "Fine why do you want to know, I don't have time to talk to you".

Bloody horrible. I was going to drive up and see her later this month, treat her to lunch and take her shopping. Don't think I'm going to go now :-(

You mention the six months of tutoring you organised for her, and furnishing her flat. Do you think that there's a chance you've done things for her that she was capable of doing for herself? Sometimes us "caretakers" do things for others (that aren't asked for, or needed) and are surprised and hurt when it doesn't solicit the response we would expect in return.

Don't pay for her phone. Wait for her to contact you and then tell her calmly but clearly that what she said to you was rude and that you won't accept rudeness from her. That's a useful life lesson for her I'd say. Then move on the conversation.

I drove myself to uni, I probably called my parents once or twice a term.

Twice a week would have driven me nuts.

She's a normal teenager going off to uni, becoming independent. I think you're being way too clingy OP.

I hope her dad is the one paying for her iPhone.

I agree with others that twice in her first week is just plain irritating. She IS busy, like she told you. And stop taking all the credit for her getting into uni. You did the basics that any parent should and she did the hard work.

Furthermore, who refers to their own child as a "little shit" and "bloody cow"? Horrible!

RedMaple

I very much doubt the OPs DD was capable of paying the private tutor fees. My Dsis paid for A level tuition for my DN and it's quite expensive.

I think she is probably tired, emotional, slightly homesick, possibly hungover and very busy with making friends and setting in. My DD2 goes off next week and i suspect she will be the same. She hates any hovering and likes space deal with things. Just leave her be and see how it goes. She will probably be fine once classes start and she settles down.

You need to give yourself a talking to op. This is a huge step and transition for her and really, you can't make this all about you. Of course she shouldn't be rude to you but you do need to pay attention to how you can support her in this not end up rowing with her. Listen to her and give her time and space. She is under a lot of stress and you aren't exactly helping. Did you pay for tuition because you wanted to help? Presumably not so she would have to be eternally grateful and polite...
Hope things calm down.
You really really shouldn't even think of her as a "little shit" etc. Not exactly modelling the behaviour you want from her and just not very nice.

Thank you for all the replies.

I am fine with texing/facebook and no calls. We've only spoken twice, for about 3 minutes. First time she was texting a lot and I just said, "look just call me when you've got 5 mins, it'll be quicker". Second time she called me, to tell me her screen was cracked, so she wouldn't be able to text.

This is the 3rd time in a month that she has cracked the screen! The last time, I paid £90 to get it replaced, so not sure if she was angling for me to pay again?

It's not the lack of phone contact. I can live with that. I am used to her being away, as I am separated from her Dad and she spent most of the summer with him, as she got a job where he works (another town).

It's just the absolute scathing rudeness. So, when she called me about the cracked screen, I saw her name come up and thought "oh lovely" and paused the TV. Just to be met with a surly attitude. She told me about the screen. I then said "Oh dear, try to find one of those mobile stalls in the centre tomorrow. Then I said "How's it going" to which she replied something like "fine, why are you asking, I don't have time to talk to you". It was the tone as well. Just really awful.

The thing is, on the drive to Uni, she was REALLY miserable and quiet. Which is totally confusing, as she has been so adamant that she wanted to go. So, I was asking if she was ok, and then she started telling me that she was worried whether she'd chosen the right course, worried whether she'd make friends, so naturally I was then a bit concerned about whether after a few days, she felt a bit more light hearted. But seemingly, I am just an annoying Mum for bothering to ask!

When I think about all those bloody early morning tutoring sessions! Which is the only reason she got a bloody A in that subject. Me making her fresh coffee and bacon sandwiches, whilst she got ready. Then driving her there. And paying the fees (which ran in to hundreds). I feel like saying "Oy, the only reason you got in, is because I paid for your tutoring, you ungrateful sod, so a bit of respect please". I won't say that of course!

I don't know whether to still visit at the end of the month. It's the only weekend I have off between now and when term ends. And I thought we could shop for anything we'd forgotten, I was going to treat her to lunch, maybe some new clothes, then leave her alone at night to see friends. DH has got the Monday off work, so he could come too (so I'd spend evenings with him).

She has form for being demanding and having a bit of an attitude. Although she can also be lovely too, obviously. I think I've probably spoiled her, as do feel guilty she had to live for years between 2 homes. She was very upset at me leaving her Dad. But he cheated multiple times, so I had no choice! Anyway, that was ages ago!

It's making me question next years holidays as well. For the first time in ages DH has got June off work. So, we'll all be off at the same time. Was pondering whether to pay for all of us to do Florida. I know DS and DD would come, if we went there. DH reckons she'll find something to moan about and reckons we should fuck off to Mexico and let the kids do their own thing. Aargh. Just not sure.

Thanks so much for advice.

You're right, I shouldn't have called her a little shit. I was just so upset and agog at her rudeness, when I wrote that. And I'd had some wine I'd never say that to her face. I lover her with all my heart, and she plays me a lot for clothes/concert tickets/money. I have always been far too soft with her.

My DS went to uni last year. We dropped him off at halls and he couldn't wait for us to leave. I asked him to text me every couple of days. He looked very puzzled as he if he was genuinely unaware why I would want to hear from him. First text arrived a couple of days later saying "Still here".

From then on I sent a couple of texts a week but tried never to ask how he was or what he was doing. Instead, I offered him things or told him bits of news, ie., "Do you want me to get you giant bar of chocolate on offer for when you come home" or "Did you know A going out with B?" This way I got a response so I knew he was ok.

Felt he grew up so much that first term and when he came home, he really appreciated what he had.

Recommend more wine for the pain which will get better, I promise

Speaking twice does seem to be alot especially in fresher week when everything is so busy meeting new friends finding her feet around campus, making new friends. I know my BF at the time would contact me regularly and it got to the point it was abit suffocating, could this be an issue op?

Although really she should have abit more respect towards you, I wouldn't go out of your way to treat her unless she speaks to you in a more respectful manner.

Slooooow down. You don't need to decide about next year's holiday this minute surely?

What is missing from you post is any sense of thinking about what she wants / needs. Leave it a bit then ask her if she'd like you to visit that weekend maybe? It's not just for you to decide!

It's clear from your posts you want to do the right thing but I think you need to think about you adjusting to this new situation as well as her...

Don't go and visit her in her first term, that's just annoying.

It's not a positive that she's being rude, but it is a positive that she doesn't need you.

Just let her have her own space.

Just give her some space. She will be going through a lot of changes right now and the added pressure you are inadvertently putting on her isn't helping.

You clearly love and care for her which is wonderful but she needs time to get used to her new life at uni and twice in the first week is a lot. I live 10mins away from my mum and we only speak maybe once a week.

She won't always be like this. Don't take it personally. It's a learning curve for you all.

I doubt she's missing home. She's having fun and probably has an element of selfishness in her personality just like£130K earning dad.
OP have fun now. You're in a brilliant position. You're free of the constraints of having a child at home but you still have a child to love.

I was really hoping the tutoring thing in your OP was a throw away comment. It obviously wasn't.

I was at boarding school growing up. My mum used to call once a week - before mobiles. I hated it, I would have preferred that she didn't because after I spoke to her I felt homesick and miserable for the rest of the day. Obviously I don't know if it's that for your dd but that's how I felt.

"Oy, the only reason you got in, is because I paid for your tutoring, you ungrateful sod, so a bit of respect please". I won't say that of course!
Why not? If mine were that rude to me I would. And they have been and I've pulled them up on it and they've apologised or exploded or stropped off or burst into tears. Standing up for yourself won't break the relationship. Mulling things over and getting things out of proportion will damage it though.

Actually don't say that about the coaching. Was she aware of what a sacrifice at he time? I've a ridiculous number stupid early starts and indulgent mollycoddling/ mercy dashes. I've never felt resentful because I've always been very frank about the cost (time and money). 'Of course I'll get up at 5 to take you- make sure you set an alarm and wake me at quarter to with a cup of tea!'

Husky, I don't think you have done anything wrong at all. I think speaking to her twice (once when she called you ) is not too much. I think that parenting doesn't stop when your child turns 18 and it is perfectly normal to want to check they are okay when they first go to university.

I would not tolerate the rudeness. She is not too old to be told that manners matter. If she wants to be grown up and independant she can start by learning that in adult life you cannot speak to people rudely. Especially people who love you and are trying to help you.

My ds is 19 and just starting 2nd year of university. I spoke to him loads when he first went and even now we text every day just to say hi. Can't see a problem with that tbh - it hasn't held up his ability to make friends, live independently, socialise etc. It just lets him know that we love him and are thinking of him.

Don't replace the phone screen. If she has to pay for it herself she might learn to be more careful with it. I went through a phase with my teens where they would leve playstation discs on the floor of their bedroom, not in the boxes so they ended up scratched. They became a lot more careful once I stopped replacing them!
Hold off on the shopping trip too. She is taking you for granted and not in a good way. You are her mum and deserving of her respect and kindness, you are not a walking cashpoint. While her academic achievements are her own, I would have no problem in pointing out to my ds that he'd received a lot of support and rudeness is unacceptable.

I don't think you have done anything wrong op, other than probably spoil your daughter a bit. ( or maybe a lot)
You haven't been bombarding her with calls, you sound completely reasonable.
Do not take your kids to Florida. I think you need to give them a loong break from feeling entitled to everything. Let your daughter go on holiday with her mates, and you and dh Fuck.off to Mexico and have a great time.
Give her a chance to mature a bit, and you a chance to do something just for you.

I would leave it for a while. I wouldn't go up and visit this term, and would see how things are at Christmas. By then she will probably have noticed that other people's parents do sometimes visit - and that this can be a pleasant experience, a chance to catch up and also be coddled a little. She might even ask you to visit! Until then, save your money.

I think from what you've said about the tutoring, she may find this term tough academically. If she is used to being given one on one attention and being taken to lessons then university, where students have to take responsibility for their own learning, is going to come as a shock. It's quite possible she will have to do a lot of growing up before Christmas.

When I think about all those bloody early morning tutoring sessions! Which is the only reason she got a bloody A in that subject

Do you really think that's true though?

Me making her fresh coffee and bacon sandwiches, whilst she got ready. Then driving her there. And paying the fees (which ran in to hundreds). I feel like saying "Oy, the only reason you got in, is because I paid for your tutoring, you ungrateful sod, so a bit of respect please". I won't say that of course!

This is what I mean. It's supportive that you paid for tutoring, but did she ask for you to make fresh coffee and bacon sandwiches. Given where you live did she need for you to drive her there? I think a lot of us will have experienced parents who gave care in the expectation of getting perfection and life-long gratitude in return.

I very much doubt the OPs DD was capable of paying the private tutor fees.

I agree Sandy. I certainly didn't have tuition as a child because of the expense, but at least I got in to Uni on my own merit and not owing my parents a penny.

Having a tutor doesn't mean you didn't to university on your own merit. You still have to do the work and the learning and the exams yourself.

I don't get the impression the OP wants lifelong gratitude, just for her dd to be polite and nice on the phone, instead of behaving as if her mum's only value is to provide replacement iphone screens!

Wrt the tutoring and making her bacon sarnies and coffee etc, yes, that is what good parents do for their children and it doesn't mean the kids owe us undying gratitute. They should be able to take it for granted that we will always do our best for them. But, the OP doing those things wasn't completely effortless and the dd is old enough to know that her mum does make an effort for her and that deserves kindness and care in return.