Feel too old to be fanciable

[crossroads3]

Am 47 and in a marriage that IMO has been over for a long time. It's a lonely place to be in, and I have at times really despaired over it, but when I am at work or with the dc it's okay. I do feel asexual and unattractive but part of me wonders if at 47 this is what happens (no offence meant to anyone).

Then very occasionally, like once in a blue moon, I will fancy someone and the longing for connection comes back. Most recent person (happens very rarely) is one of the consultants who has been looking after my son since he had to have an operation. He's just kind, looks you in the eyes and even stood in my personal space today which was fine. He must be about 40.

Anyway, aside from things like this making me realise how lonely I am, am I kidding myself to think that anyone could fancy me? Do I have to accept that I have had the romance and sex I am going to have in this lifetime?

Do 40 year old men ever fancy 47 year olds?

Have no real concept of how I come across to other people.

but equally some women need to up their game to maintain men's interest outside the bedroom too

What does that mean though? I never slob about in tracksuits and only wear pjs in bed (except for the winter, but it is just the children and me... ) I dress in the way I want to, in the style that I want to. A lot of men might not like it - I never wear stilettos/heels (for a number of reasons) and I don't wear much make up (never felt the need/desire to), I don't 'do' my hair (it's quite long, in good condition and I keep it trimmed, coloured and it looks nice)... In a word, I always look nice.

When I was dating a couple of years ago, I was about 9 1/2 stone. I was curvy, but not at all big/fat (still a bit flabby, mind) and I was confident. I still had men telling me that they were surprised I was that confident when naked or suggesting a could lose weight or telling me they really liked me and couldn't believe how well we clicked, but they were really hoping to meet someone younger...

In fact, there is a man in real life who recently expressed an interest in me. I've liked him for a couple of years now. He is a lovely man, a kind man, a decent man, an educated and intelligent man, but very down to earth and ordinary too... We have become much closer over the past few months, although nothing has happened, and even he managed to say something (lightheartedly) negative about my body shape that means nothing will ever come of it now.

Speaking personally, I go round thinking that women are generally attractive, and imperfections are irrelevant. We like women's boobs and bottoms believe it or not - it's what makes you different. And different body shapes appeal to different guys too

You can speak for yourself, YetAnotherGuy, but my experience suggests that you can't speak for other men.

9 1/2 stone = size 10-12

LastRose - I accept many of your points. And I agree that it can be depressing, although I wouldn't accept that all men are like this. But I guess that the dating process means going through a whole load of frogs to find a prince

But I wouldn't rule someone out because they make one negative remark when they seem to tick all the other boxes

I know that I shudder when I think of things I've said over the years - almost always accidentally

"Up their game"

Lets see........ive lost 10 stone going from a size 28 down to a 14.

I get my hair cut and coloured every six weeks.

I like wearing make up.

All these things i do for me not to "up my game" for my husband. Its not a game or a power play.

My husband has never made even ONE negative comment about me even when i was really big and i would not tolerate someone who did.

Im 43 hes 66 and his life isnt as charmed so he dosnt think of trivial superficial things. We spend our lives trying to manage his emphysema and ischemic heart disease.

Part of the reason our marriage isnt physical is due to his very poor health.

And ive seen evidence on this very board of what can happen when women let the odd negative comment from a man about their body slide. It often turns into emotional abuse.

Due to my weight loss i do have a small amount of loose skin. Im seriously considering never ever letting a man see or touch me again after what im seeing other women have gone through on here.

I will NOT risk it. Its not only on here either. I had an incident where the same man who used to abuse me in the street when i was obese, ask me out after the weight loss.

A man should not be making any negative comment about your body AT ALL.

If he does he is showing you who he is. I would NOT tolerate that kind of shit from anyone. One comment and i would be out of there.

I know how nasty men can be when you dont pass the fuckability test.

Very well said, HelenaDove

But I wouldn't rule someone out because they make one negative remark when they seem to tick all the other boxes

I would.