Feel too old to be fanciable

[crossroads3]

Am 47 and in a marriage that IMO has been over for a long time. It's a lonely place to be in, and I have at times really despaired over it, but when I am at work or with the dc it's okay. I do feel asexual and unattractive but part of me wonders if at 47 this is what happens (no offence meant to anyone).

Then very occasionally, like once in a blue moon, I will fancy someone and the longing for connection comes back. Most recent person (happens very rarely) is one of the consultants who has been looking after my son since he had to have an operation. He's just kind, looks you in the eyes and even stood in my personal space today which was fine. He must be about 40.

Anyway, aside from things like this making me realise how lonely I am, am I kidding myself to think that anyone could fancy me? Do I have to accept that I have had the romance and sex I am going to have in this lifetime?

Do 40 year old men ever fancy 47 year olds?

Have no real concept of how I come across to other people.

"Sell anything out"??? I can't even reveal what that is a typo for but for the record I would not do that either! !!

YetAnotherGuy re your 61 Y/O lady i know of a 58 Y/O who looks as if shes still in her mid/later 20's slim and fit isnt the word for her.

Mind you a strict dietary regime and a workout every day have a lot to do with it;!

But her attitude to life makes a lot of difference and we're now likely have more aged populations so perhaps some age bands need some re thinking like is is the new middle now 60 . Discuss!.

i know of a 58 Y/O who looks as if shes still in her mid/later 20's slim and fit isnt the word for her

So it doesn't matter if a woman isn't actually in her 20s, so long as she looks like she's in her 20s.

Right...

Sorry to leave a few days before getting back to this thread. I really appreciated everyone's thoughts....

I guess I spend a lot of time trying to brush the pitiful state of my marriage under the carpet, and then when I, once in a blue moon, find someone attractive, it opens floodgates of longing for emotional connection and physical affection.

H never touches me - ever. So for me this is no longer a relationship, but a sort of co parenting / housemate situation. For a long time I told him how I felt about not being touched, and tried to be physically affectionate, but there is only so long you can do that without having your soul destroyed so I have stopped. So he will endlessly touch the dds and tell them how much he needs a cuddle , but give me a wide berth.

It is also impossible to talk about "us" with him as he gets too angry and too defensive too quickly. In fact our conversation is always about superficial day to day stuff and the dc.

While having nice things about him, he is also not the easiest of people. He has a short fuse and is bossy and controlling when in a bad mood, which is quite often. He can be very rude in the way in which he speaks to me and has also been prone to not speaking for weeks after an argument.

The best scenario for us is when he is in a chatty mood and then we get on OK but certainly not like a couple.

This is not someone I would want supporting me if I was very ill. I once tried to talk to him about what I want for my body when I die and he was dismissive and bad tempered about it so I tell my sister stuff like that instead.

On the plus side, though he considers things like the house to be "his" (only his name on deeds) and is in debt (which means that he is always always stressed about work as he tries to juggle his work and looking after his other properties), he does work very hard and is responsible about looking after all of us (ie. keeping a roof over our heads). He also loves the dc very much.

So I am in the situation that I feel a large amount of loyalty to the family unit and that is partly what keeps me here. Telling everyone that I want to blow up their normality would be utterly terrifying. I am also quite a passive person and at the moment don't earn enough to "set up shop" on my own. The situation is also my normality. When we are all there watching a DVD for example, it's cosy. Also cannot imagine being excluded from some of the dcs' lives and what if they decided they wanted to live with him ?

But have been thinking recently that if I don't do something about all if this I will regret it later. The dc will have left home and h might be in the country he has for a long time said he wants to move to. Then where does that leave me?

Was thinking I should just come out and say that I don't want to be in a sexless, affectionless relationship where there is no emotional intimacy for the rest of my life, but without a plan - either to split up or have an open relationship, is there even any point in saying this? In any case, don't think he cares whether I meet someone else or not. He expresses very little interest in my life. This is partly down to his weird family culture of never asking questions.

Am I kidding myself that at 47 I could still even find these things?

Latest argument that really pissed me off is h telling me that my politics are "off the Internet" compared to his being down to the experiences he has had. EU referendum related .

The other recent corker was when I was talking about the amount of totally empty properties in London owned by investors who never set foot there. He sneered that I should "get off the Internet" . Any opinion of mine that he doesn't like he refutes by challenging me over where I found out saying "just because the Internet says so doesn't make it true". Stuff like this is infuriating and I long to have conversations with more open minded rational people who are not as detached and disassociated as he is from everything except his work and the kids

I guess this is unfair because I have now roundly criticised him without his being able to present his side of the story but that's one of the joys of mumsnet .

Also recently tried to tell him how nice the head teacher is in the school where I am being a supply TA and how she is retiring soon and all he could say was that "we" would be paying for her pension. He often does that, closes off what I am trying to say by criticising something not related to it. We start arguing about that and the conversation is over.

He sounds terrible. And it's not a good way to live. In your position I would go and speak to a solicitor and understand what your options are. I don't say this lightly, I'm 50, and split up from my ex 4 years ago. Things have been a million times better since. It's not that everything is easy, but living with him was making me depressed! It would have been even worse if I was still with him.

I guess the first 10 years of our almost 21 year old relationship were good (though we had ups and downs) and I do know him. He feels like a difficult relative. Very difficult to imagine telling him I want a divorce. I wish he would tell me he wants one instead (though I am sure that would be very shocking).

And I have had fun with online dating . Sometimes you've got to change stuff.

Sorry squeegle missed your post. Have been to see a solicitor twice in the past who have basically told me that stuff would be shared out.... I think he would make any divorce very difficult. He would also be very hurt because in an odd way he kind of trusts me.

Sometimes you've got to change stuff.

I agree.

Hmm, well I guess you can start with "I'm unhappy", 'how can we work to change this", and if he won't engage (which I guess from what you have said he won't), then you can tell him that you do want to change, and that you don't feel it's working for you being together.

Yes would have to do it gently but I guess what I really want now is something or someone else. Without hurting anyone.

At the moment you are basically saying his feelings are more important than yours. After all he hurts you every day. It's not that you are more important, but your feelings should be equally important. I don't get the impression he is thinking of you.

No he really isn't. Beyond some practical stuff.

(Which does give me carte blanche to do what I want).

Well, I think it does really, the ball is in your court. Fast forward 5 years, how do you want it to be? Start planning now to make it happen.

He would also be very hurt because in an odd way he kind of trusts me.

So? He's continually hurting you. He sounds absolutely dreadful. I don't think you realise how dreadful because you've had 21 years of it and as you say it is normal for you. But really, it shouldn't be normal for anyone to be in that situation. He sounds like he doesn't even like you and he certainly doesn't respect you. You're the hired help and he doesn't seem to treat his staff well.

Sorry, OP, but this just isn't right.

It seems like your post started with a question about still being attractive at 47 - clearly the answer is yes. Absolutely

But the underlying issue is about the state of your marriage

I am probably the last person who would advise anyone to break up a long term relationship, but I think the orignal question is irrelevant. Instead it is - will your life be better with him or without him?

And if love did come along after that, then that's a bonus. But I wouldn't base your decision on that happening. But obviously it's possible

Does he "trust" you OP or is he simply and utterly convinced that he has ground you down to passive dust, a shadow that would be unable to leave even if the urge to do so was present? He sounds absolutely vile.

I believe if you're married then it no longer matters if you aren't named on the mortgage. You might well also have a claim on his other properties. Would you consider getting legal advice via solicitor, CAB or even Women's Aid regarding your options. Even just on a "what if" basis?

I suspect you might find it worthwhile to clear some of this downtrodden fog that is dragging you further and further "down". How H treats you is a disgrace. You're almost certainly only sharing the tiniest amount about him too. Have you considered his behaviour might be labelled emotional abuse?

You sound so utterly hopeless, it's no wonder your mind is straying into fantasy-land to seek out just a crumb of vitality and joy.

If you can't or won't split up then you need to find some joy in your life. I shall we say have a very "discreet" arrangement with a chap I met on a site who isn't married before you all jump on me and we have a very nice time now and again!

My DH is the same as yours. No intimacy and emotionally cold. After 2 years of no sex at all, I decided enough was enough. I don't think he would notice if I had sex in front of him!

I'm sure I should leave but sometimes it's not that straightforward.

Thanks for the most recent messages. Keep on meaning to answer properly but never seem to have the time. Will write properly later .

I met a new man last year at 47, after separating from my gay (as it turned out) husband. OMG, I cannot believe I wasted all those years, feeling unattractive. The new man cannot keep his hands off me. Your sex life is definitely not over if you don't want it to be. In fact, it could be about to go stellar.

I just want to add a quick question to this.

I've been following the thread and thinking about it a fair bit. I don't want to start my own thread but I don't want to hijack/derail either (because I get that it's not just about being fanciable over 40 for the OP), so I hope it's ok. For me, it's not so much the worrying about being too old to be fanciable, per se. But it does tie in because when you're considering the potential of a new future, you're also aware that you no longer look 25, so I hope it's ok to ask (sorry crossroads).

I don't feel old and people regularly think I'm 8-10 years younger than I am. I don't think that's because I look particularly 'young', but I think I'm quite 'youthful' in my outlook/approach to life/behaviour/overall appearance. I certainly know people who are younger than me chronologically but are emotionally and mentally much older. Which is why it's so annoying when men my age want someone younger!

I think the main concern for me for me is that my body bears the 'ravages of time'. I'm about a size 14 (clothes range from 12-16) currently. I have had 2 children. I'm fortunate that I don't have any stretchmarks (only because I had 2 low birthweight babies, one prem, and lost weight during preg due to HG, so it's swings and roundabouts ) but I did have a CS so I have a slight overhang (hideous).

I think that clothed, I can look quite good - I can dress for my figure and I have boobs, a waist and hips/a bum that I know how to 'dress'. It's when I'm not clothed that it all falls apart. I worry about huge arse and wobbly thighs and 34F boobs that aren't all that perky anymore, and pale and pasty flabbiness generally. I don't see how anyone can find this attractive! I eat well and I exercise so I think that, in part at least, it must be genetic. Even when I was a size 10, I was still 'flabby' and didn't look attractive undressed.

I find it difficult to understand how anyone could see me naked and not instantly lose all desire.

A lot of the posts on this thread about women being attractive over 40 seem to be focused on being slim and toned and looking like they're still in their 20s when they're actually nearly 60... What about those of us who are over 40 and look like it? (and who didn't look like that even when they were in their 20s and slim!)

Good morning TheLastRose

I have an appointment in three minutes so this will be a hasty answer to your question.

I feel the same as you about the marks left on my body from childbearing (three in my case). However, I recalled recently that when my (STBX) husband first met me I was wearing trousers with a slightly low-cut waist and he told me afterwards that he'd noticed and found my stretch marks very attractive! (My eldest daughter was from another relationship hence the stretch marks before getting married).

It's worth remember that a lot of men don't want a perfect woman with a perfect figure. Let's keep reminding ourselves of this.

I've been following this thread and find it very sad to hear some of the negative thoughts women have about their age and their bodies, particularly when they are in the prime of life

Men are quite simple souls really and (if straight) we are programmed to find women attractive

We don't generally find models or famous beauties as attractive as women we meet every day, because we know that we are not in their league. Research for one of the men's magazines revealed that men were not going to buy a magazine featuring well-known names because that was not what turned them on, due to the difference in status

Women naked - brilliant! But what I'm not so keen on is women slobbing about in tracksuits and pyjamas. OK so they may "scrub up well" but it takes the edge of their appeal imho. Men can be criticised rightly if they pay few compliments until they "want it" but equally some women need to up their game to maintain men's interest outside the bedroom too

Speaking personally, I go round thinking that women are generally attractive, and imperfections are irrelevant. We like women's boobs and bottoms believe it or not - it's what makes you different. And different body shapes appeal to different guys too