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Original poster

Feel too old to be fanciable

105 replies

crossroads3 · 08/09/2016 19:14

Am 47 and in a marriage that IMO has been over for a long time. It's a lonely place to be in, and I have at times really despaired over it, but when I am at work or with the dc it's okay. I do feel asexual and unattractive but part of me wonders if at 47 this is what happens (no offence meant to anyone).

Then very occasionally, like once in a blue moon, I will fancy someone and the longing for connection comes back. Most recent person (happens very rarely) is one of the consultants who has been looking after my son since he had to have an operation. He's just kind, looks you in the eyes and even stood in my personal space today which was fine. He must be about 40.

Anyway, aside from things like this making me realise how lonely I am, am I kidding myself to think that anyone could fancy me? Do I have to accept that I have had the romance and sex I am going to have in this lifetime?

Do 40 year old men ever fancy 47 year olds? Grin

Have no real concept of how I come across to other people.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads3 · 08/09/2016 21:33

I can't imagine being seduced or falling in lust with anyone anymore!

Maybe it's just a case of meeting the right person at the right time? I bet you are fanciable thelastrose.

Have enjoyed reading all the positive comments about people's love lives so thank you Smile.

Are you just staying in your marriage because you don't see the possibility of another relationship? Or is it because of the DC?

Mainly because of the dc, because of being scared of how I would manage on my own as well as how traumatic/awful my divorce might be as my h is not an easy person. Also because even though there are aspects of h's behaviour which mean I would have "grounds" for divorce, I would still feel really guilty separating everyone.

Anyway now feel tearful about the consultant Confused. And annoyed that I mentioned my husband to himConfusedConfused. Who am I kidding - he probably has a gorgeous wife and children I seem to have lost my mind. Seriously though, I ache for the easy, kind and open communication that H and I don't have.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads3 · 08/09/2016 21:36

Missed the last 3 messages but am reading them now.

OP posts:
PrizeyPrize · 08/09/2016 21:57

42 and feel more sexy and fanciable than I ever have done before. I was in an EA marriage for 10 years, he took every last bit of confidence away from me, put me down, belittled me, never complimented me. I looked and felt like shit. 4 years after divorce and I look pretty damn good and have no trouble attracting men, even if I say so myself. Fuck you Xhusband! Grin

NoMudNoLotus · 08/09/2016 22:23

OP yes he may well have a family.

So do you until you resolve what you are going to do.

Please don't embarrass yourself , him or your son by having flirtations with him.

This will not go anywhere & I say that kindly.

Myusernameismyusername · 08/09/2016 22:26

I'm not sure I am fanciable. I'm a bit over weight and have taken on a frumpy look.
But to be honest when i was skinny the type of attention I got was really sleazy and I hated it. I would rather be a bit plump and slightly invisible!

Crispbutty · 08/09/2016 22:30

I ended an abusive and awful 15 year marriage three years ago when I was 44. I'm now 47 and feel better now than I did in my 20s. I have a partner of 2.5 years who is the absolute love of my life and is 13 years younger than me.

Crispbutty · 08/09/2016 22:32

I'm also a bit overweight, got a few wrinkles, certainly no hot babe lol! But I know my dp fancies me! And I still get chatted up too .. It's about confidence in yourself I believe.

Shodan · 08/09/2016 23:31

I'm 47 too, recently separated although I hadn't felt connected to STBXH for some time before that.

To answer one question- 40 year old men definitely fancy 47 year old women. And so do 29 year old men Blush And many other ages.

Don't stay in a bad marriage out of habit, or fear that there won't be other chances, should you want them. It's no way to live.

Original poster
crossroads3 · 08/09/2016 23:33

Please don't embarrass yourself , him or your son by having flirtations with him.

This will not go anywhere & I say that kindly.

I am sure the doctor has not thought twice about me - he is just kind sob. Plus if you knew me you would realise how much the idea that I might have any kind of extra marital affair is kind of laughable. Dh is my first and only partner, and I would honestly have no idea how to flirt, let alone have an affair Blush. I am friendly and that's it. The doctor was one of the people who operated on my son, and I think there is a kind of reverence for the people who look after you or your loved ones when you/they are hurt, so I think that's part of it.

I agree with posters who say that feeling unattractive can be down to a bad relationship - if the person who is supposed to cherish you never says anything nice to you, it begins to be quite depressing.

Also agree that confidence counts for a lot.

OP posts:
acdcfan · 08/09/2016 23:34

I'm 38 and feel I'll never be fanciable ever again...!

Original poster
crossroads3 · 08/09/2016 23:35

Don't stay in a bad marriage out of habit, or fear that there won't be other chances, should you want them. It's no way to live.

I totally agree but it feels like an incredibly frightening thing to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads3 · 08/09/2016 23:37

acdcfan x posted - I am sure you are gorgeous

OP posts:
Mummydummy · 08/09/2016 23:40

52 and divorced for 8 years. Just came out of a passionate loving relationship for over a year with a super handsome 46 year, before that I briefly went out with a lovely 36 year old. Met them both in real life when I was least expecting it. Age is only a number. There are single men in your age bracket who'd fancy the pants off you - if you are confident, happy, kind and lovely. Which I'm sure you are.

keepingonrunning · 08/09/2016 23:42

It is frightening at first but not as frightening as the thought of staying in a loveless marriage for another 40 years.
And staying because your DH could be too nasty to divorce only underlines how much you much you need to break free.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 09/09/2016 00:42

It's about confidence in yourself I believe.

Not necessarily. When my exh and I split up, I felt very confident, full of new possibilities and, for the first time in a good many years (my life?) I felt sexy and attractive and I exuded confidence. Until a man I was seeing told me that he was surprised I was as confident as I was (you know, considering what I look like). I wasn't arrogant, I just wasn't wrapping myself up in duvets and insisting the lights were off, and I was happy to walk around naked. But that completely blew it all away.

People say it's about confidence, but it's not. It's about being attractive.

Mummydummy

I'm impressed! When I was online dating, I was contacted by a few men who were younger than me. I just blocked them! I couldn't imagine taking a man who was younger than me seriously if they showed an interest!

AfterSun · 09/09/2016 00:51

That man was an arsehole lastrose - presumably he thought you were attractive enough for him to sleep with you!

OP - It is terrifying realising you need to get divorced, for me it was the thought of still not being my own person at 60 that shocked me into forcing the separation.

DelicatePreciousThing1 · 09/09/2016 00:59

Your doctor is being kind and is relating to you in a warm professional way. It is not unusual for women to transfer their affections onto someone like him or a priest or nice boss or whoever.

CatBallou2 · 09/09/2016 01:16

Crossroads3, today I've been contemplating writing to ask the very same thing. After a very recent breakup of my 30 odd year relationship, and having just turned 50, I wonder if I'll ever have another relationship? I don't feel fanciable, and compared to when I was younger and like many women, had a lot of male attention, I now get very little. Just like you, I've met a bloke a couple of times recently, who seems lovely, and this has made me wonder about any future relationship(s) for me.

Like you, I also have no idea how I come across to people.

I'm not ready to date just yet, but I'd like to think that it's not the end of the line for me.

I hope that you'll be able to resolve your situation & find happiness in your future.

DadWasHere · 09/09/2016 03:53

Do 40 year old men ever fancy 47 year olds?

7 years? Good grief... I had a perfectly lovely intimate relationship with a woman for almost two years and I was the same age as one of her grandchildren. Heterosexual men, gay men and gay women have no problems with younger partners being a meaningful part of their lives, its heterosexual women who are commonly conflicted about 'all the complexities' in relationships with younger lovers.

quicklydecides · 09/09/2016 04:02

Do you want to talk to us about your marriage?
That's the important bit.
You sound so lonely.

callipygiana · 09/09/2016 04:48

I'm 43. Got divorced last year, and a few months ago I decided to try OLD, just for fun. I'm not looking for a boyfriend, but fwb.

The first date that I went on was with a 30 year old. I realised that there are many many men out there that interested in older women. I changed my filters from 40-50 to 25-35, and I get loads of messages.

Now I have a 28 year old fwb. It's fun, we're well matched. He thinks I'm hot and he likes my experience and confidence. Right now, it's perfect for me.

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 09/09/2016 05:12

Totally understand your feelings OP. I am not remotely fanciable at 41, but I think it's easier for me because I wasn't fanciable at 20 either, so I don't feel I have "lost" anything if that makes sense. Even if your fears are true (and I am sure they are not), life can be rich and wonderful without a relationship.

There is a name for that "fancying your doctor" thing. My DH is a consultant who often treats the terminally ill. Many times, very beautiful young-ish widows "accidentally" bump into us in the supermarket in full make up and bat their lashes. He is completely impervious to it. It's entirely possible that your consultant finds you attractive but it's also unlikely he would/could act on it.

Original poster
crossroads3 · 09/09/2016 06:48

Thanks for all the kind messages.

Have to get ready for work but will reply this evening.

Hope everyone has a good day Flowers.

OP posts:
Mummydummy · 09/09/2016 07:52

Lastrose - I know what you mean.
Funnily on a dating platform I wouldn't look at anyone under about 45 now. But the 36 yr old I met at a party and had a laugh with - I didnt for one minute think it was 'a thing'. Afterwards he told my friend 'I just met the funniest woman in the world' and then we started meeting up - ostensibly to discuss a project..... But he thought I was only 42! (I was on HRT at the time so maybe that was it.. or generally a juvenile demeanour).

The 46 year old I met at work event and it was just instant chemistry. God he was handsome... Thats not really any age difference at all - we looked the same age. I feel about 192 at the moment though...

julybug123 · 09/09/2016 15:40

I was in a long and somewhat loveless marriage, thought that if we ever separated (early 40's) I would never meet anyone again, was past my best, etc., etc. but lo and behold I fell in love and had the most wonderful and physically exciting connection with a man in his late 40s. It's not going to work out for various reasons but it does give me faith that these things are possible at any age. As my mother says (in relation to work, climbing stairs, etc., not in relation to sex!), if you could do it yesterday, you can do it today. Don't catastrophise about the future, be realistic but hopeful.