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Original poster

Feel too old to be fanciable

105 replies

crossroads3 · 08/09/2016 19:14

Am 47 and in a marriage that IMO has been over for a long time. It's a lonely place to be in, and I have at times really despaired over it, but when I am at work or with the dc it's okay. I do feel asexual and unattractive but part of me wonders if at 47 this is what happens (no offence meant to anyone).

Then very occasionally, like once in a blue moon, I will fancy someone and the longing for connection comes back. Most recent person (happens very rarely) is one of the consultants who has been looking after my son since he had to have an operation. He's just kind, looks you in the eyes and even stood in my personal space today which was fine. He must be about 40.

Anyway, aside from things like this making me realise how lonely I am, am I kidding myself to think that anyone could fancy me? Do I have to accept that I have had the romance and sex I am going to have in this lifetime?

Do 40 year old men ever fancy 47 year olds? Grin

Have no real concept of how I come across to other people.

OP posts:
HuskyLover1 · 09/09/2016 17:02

Of course you're not too old to be fanciable! Your DH has knocked your confidence, by not being affectionate and intimate with you.

I will be 47 in a few months. My DH is 43 (almost 44). He fancies the pants off me literally and I could not imagine being in a cold relationship, you really do deserve so much more.

When I was 37 years old, I dated a 24 year old. No problem.

You need to see if your marriage can be fixed. If it can't, you are certainly not too old to move on and find happiness anew.

I also recommend gentle botox, a good hair cut, keeping fit, perhaps even a boob job if you feel you'd like one

Gabilan · 09/09/2016 21:38

Heterosexual men, gay men and gay women have no problems with younger partners being a meaningful part of their lives, its heterosexual women who are commonly conflicted about 'all the complexities' in relationships with younger lovers

Whilst some heterosexual men may be perfectly happy with much older partners, a quick flick through any dating site will reveal that many are not. When I tried OLD I fixed my age parameters around 7-10 years either side of my age. Very few of the men I encountered would contemplate dating an older woman, although many of them were quite happy with the idea of a woman half their age.

Livelovebehappy · 09/09/2016 21:48

When I was late forties, my children were late teens, so for the first time in years I could afford to have my hair done regular, get my nails sorted and indulge in facials and expensive face creams. And finally I found my 'style' as far as clothes. So I have to say these last few years I do feel more confident and good about myself. Get yourself off for a pamper session, change your hair and invest time and a bit of money in yourself. And do it for you, but who knows; It might re-awaken something in your DH!

AHardPlace · 09/09/2016 21:56

I think some of it is mindset. When your mental boundaries change then you give off different vibes. So freeing yourself from a dead end relationship, forming new friendships, meeting different people stimulates you and suddenly the scales fall from your eyes and you feel joy, excitement and life again.
That is attractive. That spark of life in the eyes.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 10/09/2016 00:03

I absolutely agree with you AHardPlace.

YetAnotherGuy · 10/09/2016 00:56

I think, like most people here, that your thoughts and feelings about age are wildly off the mark, but your comments about your marriage are very concerning

FWIW, my DW is 61. She is the sexiest woman I know and gets lots of (uninvited) attention from other men

HelenaDove · 10/09/2016 02:28

Im 43 and feel sexier than i have in a long time. Ive got my hourglass figure back after a 4 stone weight loss. (I originally lost 10 stone) Not one wrinkle yet.

Age is just a number.

minatiae · 10/09/2016 02:38

fwiw I have a huge girl crush on a 64yo

age has nothing to do with it

TheNaze73 · 10/09/2016 08:55

Age really is just a number. You will have so many qualities that will attract a lot of men.

ivykaty44 · 10/09/2016 13:35

I very much unexpectedly had someone fall madly in love with me aged 47

I had been single for a long time and life was full of being a single mum and working with added friends.

He broke my heart but it was the falling deeply in love that made me realise I was still attractive to some men just as you op will be very attractive to others

oldfatandtired1 · 10/09/2016 14:19

Another one agreeing with hardplace. My ex and I split 4 years ago after a fairly miseable marriage. I didn't think anyone would ever fancy me again (I am now 55). Once the divorce was finalised, I got a great settlement and moved into my beautiful little house I gave myself permission to be happy again. I've had a LOT of male attention since (including some 'marrieds' who can do one Angry and I'm now seeing a lovely man 5 years younger than me I met through work (his company works closely with hours). I'm not as physically attractive as I used to be (he isn't either) but neither of us scare the horses and we're having a lovely time.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 10/09/2016 14:25

Just a question, are all the women saying they are still fanciable and have met men over 40, slim and conventionally attractive?

I notice that botox and cosmetic surgery was recommended by someone upthread, which I'm a bit Hmm about and disagree with for many reasons.

Are the men attractive? Decent?

I ask because my mum found 'love' over 40, after her divorce. They were all a 'step down' for her (each one was a step down from the last) and she tearfully told me once that she had to 'lower her standards' or she'd have ended up with no one. I don't really want to 'lower my standards', if I'm perfectly honest.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 10/09/2016 14:28

It isn't clear from my last post, but my personal experience of my mum was that a conventionally attractive, although ageing, woman who was a law abiding, solvent woman, who worked full time and owned her home outright, who behaved in a socially acceptable way became divorced from my dad who lived similarly and ended up with men who all seemed to live increasingly closer to the edges of society, alcoholics, unemployed, cocklodgers...

But she was prepared to put up with it just so that she wasn't single.

I suppose I'm asking if we all have to 'lower our standards' unless we opt for the botox and boob job approach.

Bountybarsyuk · 10/09/2016 14:29

In my family, the women have gone on to make good second/third relationships into their 60's and 70's, including remarrying, so of course people can meet and fall in love over the age of 40! As to whether they are especially attractive, they look nice, have nice clothes and so forth, but they look their ages too. Neither them have had to 'step down', whatever that means.

AHardPlace · 10/09/2016 15:01

TheLastRose lord no! I'm not a person who ever, ever thinks I must have a man in my life.
That's just what I was saying I think, that it's the person who comes back to life who then attracts others. I wasn't looking, I wasn't desperate. I did nothing to make myself more attractive for men. I think I just glowed with a renewed interest in life and people.
The man I met was older than me, not my type, had some issues but at my stage in life I definitely had the experience and balls to know the good outweighed the not so good. I didn't put up with any shit. I'd had enough of putting up with shit and wanted good times. Which we had!

ivykaty44 · 10/09/2016 15:05

I'm talking about dancing and fall in love. Opposed to being with someone out of desperation. I'd been on my own, through choice for a long time and certainly would be with someone " just for the sake of not being on my own"

But that in itself might have been the problem, if your not happy to be yourself and single, then your not going to be attractive as you will scream of desperation in your insecurities

Gabilan · 10/09/2016 17:26

LastRose I'm mid 40s, attractive, slim, fit, intelligent. I can still get into and indeed look good in a dress I bought when I was 17. But I'm not currently dating. Personally I don't meet available men I find attractive. Maybe that's just me but I don't meet them. I like being single though.

AfterSun · 10/09/2016 20:20

are all the women saying they are still fanciable and have met men over 40, slim and conventionally attractive?

My early fifties man fits that description. The most important thing being his personality, which fits well with mine.

My ex will make a great partner to someone - he's attractive, fit, very successful - just we had different aims in life and it wasn't working. I wasn't going to leave a very comfortable life to 'settle'.

AfterSun · 10/09/2016 20:23

Oh, and forget the boob job and botox - no-one needs that, just do stuff that makes you happy.

Gabilan · 10/09/2016 20:54

Yes, forget the botox, light or otherwise. I prefer people with actual facial expressions.

TheLastRoseOfSummer · 11/09/2016 00:21

Hm, I'm just trying to work out why it's only bored married men who are interested in me.

I do stuff that makes me happy. I have friends. I'm not lonely or desperate. But I think it would be nice if someone decent liked me!

Blah.

YetAnotherGuy · 11/09/2016 00:37

Follow up. Just been out for the evening with my 61 year old DW

She got direct compliments about her figure from one male and one female

Plus loads of looks

Lucky me I know, but I'm 66, so to me 40 or so seems like no age at all

AfterSun · 11/09/2016 04:13

It's probably just luck/chance last rose. I didn't think I'd meet someone, it just happened.

User174949347 · 11/09/2016 07:34

Not all men want 30 year old women.

I am divorced with grown up kids and in my late 40's and only date women who 1. Don't want more children and 2. Have adult kids. That means I date women in their 40's and 50's and that is what I look for on dating sites. My small children days are over! I prefer to date women who are interesting and have something to say and want to challenge themselves to new experiences and therefore for me age is no barrier at all.

That may be harsh but I like going for meals/breaks/holidays without having to think about the needs of small kids.

dudsville · 11/09/2016 07:54

Op, I don't know if this applies to you but I'm in a relationship with a lovely man who is unable to have sex. I've become unattractive as I've dealt with the absence of sex with food and alcohol. I know someone else who I think is going through something similar but I don't talk with her because this is one misery that does not want company. In the last year I have decided that my dumbing down my appearance was depressing me so I lost some weight, bought some lipstick, etc. Started dressing better and I feel more confident. I don't flirt, don't have a clue how to have sex so would not sell anything out. But your doctor story resonates. There's a worker on my commute who I've admired from a distance. He sat next to me Friday morning and I nearly had a heart attack. I was trembling when I got to work. It was just nice to feel that way.