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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does anyone else do this (agree to sex as long as it's quick )

115 replies

whyohwhycantisleep · 04/09/2016 00:07

My dh is constantly nagging about sex. I do like sex etc but tbh he picks annoying times or when I really don't feel like it. I know he will be sad or grumpy if I repeatedly say no so I end up just saying something like " just be quick" or whatever Blush seriously I feel ridiculous saying it but does anyone else do that I just want it out of the way do I can go to sleep in peace of get up and get on with the day.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/09/2016 18:23

Well said Cherry

It's too easy to say " My relationship/partner isn't abusive" without acknowledging the obvious differences from the OP's situation.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 04/09/2016 18:34

I feel bad for you OP it can't be nice to see a lot of posters warning you that this is abuse.
It can be really hard to see a situation for what it is when you're in it and emotionally involved.
Like a pp said, read your OP and other posts back as if someone else had written it - maybe a family member or a friend and ask yourself what you'd think then, or what you'd say to them.
The nagging and sulking is guilt tripping and manipulation. And he shouldn't be doing it.

user1469553305 · 04/09/2016 19:58

Mmm, also been with my Dp 17 years too but if I don't want sex, I don't have sex. Its a no brainer for both of us.

NoMoreFleas · 05/09/2016 12:12

I used to do this with DH. If I were awake at 4am, for example, he would want to have sex. I used to think well if I get it over with, I might get to sleep for an hour or so, after. If not, I'll lie here awake with him wrapped around me for another two hours.

Like your DH, he would be in a mood if I didn't. He would tell me he couldn't help it, because lack of sex put him in a bad mood. So I would give in to keep the peace.

And I felt shit.

I decided to stop having sex with him if he was grouchy, or to keep the peace (a blow job when I was on my period, for example). I stopped having make up sex, as I realised it's very easy to manufacture an argument, to get the inevitable sex afterwards.

Another tactic he used was guilt. He would say if I loved him, I would do it. I started to say that if he loved me, he wouldn't ask me to have sex I was too tired for, or if I was tense about something else. And so on.

A big turn around was that we went to counselling. She looked at our childhoods. She told me that I didn't have to justify myself to him. If I didn't want something, I didn't have to say why, I could just say no.

As far as his childhood was concerned, she helped him understand that emotional blackmail is not normal. (It was his normal, growing up, but she helped him see that it's not a good way of getting what you want.) I had tried to explain this to him many times, but I think a professional saying the same thing made him realise I was right.

The thing is, my DH is not a bad person. But what he was doing was all he knew. It was what got him results. I forced the issue, as I changed my reaction to him. I didn't reward him for bad behaviour.

I have found it hard to forgive him for that bad behaviour, but I do recognise that it was all he knew. It was what he had growing up, and I had continued to enable it, over the years.

The big turnaround for us was me being prepared to leave if things didn't change. I'm not saying LTB, but be prepared to, if you don't want to live like this, anymore.

Zaphodsotherhead · 05/09/2016 12:50

I have an OH who;s view of sex is mostly formed from a load of porn watching when he was single. He thinks that sex should go on and on and on to be good (I've explained to him that this isn't the case) and he's very generous in bed. Always wants me to enjoy myself, so will often try to make sex go on for ages, lots of different positions, lots of foreplay etc. And, quite often, I just can't be bothered. I'd rather not get started at all than get involved in something that feels like a porn shoot. So I will try to 'hurry him along' so we can get some sleep.

I don't think he's realised yet, that me getting him 'overexcited' so he can't last long is deliberate...

furryminkymoo · 05/09/2016 13:04

I do the same as you OP in that I am happy to have a Quickie if not in the mood, I get aroused and do enjoy it even though I don't orgasm, sometimes I surprise myself and actually do. We have giggles about some of the surprise comments I have come out with in the moment.

I find a quickie less hassle than a BJ sometimes and if I really can't be bothered with anything I will just say no, he accepts this. These days with a little one and FT job if he waited for me to initiate things then it would be rare.

Zaphodothershead I do the same!! I know which position will make him "overexcited".

Smartleatherbag · 05/09/2016 13:08

No, but I was badgered in an abusive relationship in my younger days. Dh of 12 yrs and I enjoy sex because it makes us both feel good and is mutually wanted.

SpookyPotato · 05/09/2016 13:24

No I've never done this, sex is always wanted.. DP would not enjoy it if I didn't want it. The fact we only do it on average once a week makes this a lot easier because I'm always in the mood for it after that time. Quality over quantity... I'm not sure how I'd handle a man with a high sex drive, maybe I would end up giving in sometimes to make me feel less guilty. I'm not sure but it would make me feel sad..

DistanceCall · 05/09/2016 14:43

I wouldn't say sulking per se is abusive, if that's all that happens.

However, it would be an incredible turnoff for me. My body is not a dummy to soothe a baby. Plus he is happy to fuck someone who clearly is not enjoying it. Dead in the water (the relationship).

whyohwhycantisleep · 07/09/2016 20:36

Sorry to come back to this but I can't stop thinking about this now Confused I just keep avoiding dh now . I have NO idea what to do about this I tried to talk to dh about it and he just acted like I was crazy and said he just brushed it under the carpet.

OP posts:
JacquettaWoodville · 07/09/2016 21:30

Sorry to hear that OP

NameChange30 · 07/09/2016 21:58

OP, no need to apologise, please come back whenever you want or need to.

I suggest that you call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247. They will listen and support you and they certainly won't make you feel crazy.

Unfortunately it is common for abusers to react like he did when challenge. They deny it, claim it's all in your head, and blame you for the problem. They are very very unlikely to acknowledge that their behaviour is wrong.

IwannaSnorlax · 07/09/2016 23:02

Oh Op, I don't know what to say but wanted to offer my support.

GollumsAddiction · 07/09/2016 23:17

Call woman's aid. Sadly they won't read into the way you're talking or pick holes so just be utterly painfully honest with them.

LellyMcKelly · 08/09/2016 03:10

I found myself quite disturbed by this thread and the fact that you feel obliged to have sex when you don't want to. I can't imagine my OH pressuring me to have sex in a million years, or going in a huff if I said no, or using me to get off without thinking of my pleasure. What you are going through feels very wrong OP, and it's clearly playing on your mind. You're not crazy, and it's not normal to be coerced into sex. I hope it works out the way you want it to Flowers

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