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Original poster

Does anyone else do this (agree to sex as long as it's quick )

115 replies

whyohwhycantisleep · 04/09/2016 00:07

My dh is constantly nagging about sex. I do like sex etc but tbh he picks annoying times or when I really don't feel like it. I know he will be sad or grumpy if I repeatedly say no so I end up just saying something like " just be quick" or whatever Blush seriously I feel ridiculous saying it but does anyone else do that I just want it out of the way do I can go to sleep in peace of get up and get on with the day.

OP posts:
Kione · 04/09/2016 08:00

I do, but not because he nags at me but because I feel guilty at the months at a time that I make him go without it.
I never feel like having sex, gone right off it a few years ago.

EnquiringMingeWantsToKnow · 04/09/2016 08:03

Sex within a long term relationship can be like an invite to a party on a Saturday night in November. All your friends are there but you've had a long week and Strictly's on and the prospect of getting dolled up and trudging across town in the drizzle is less appealing. However you do want to see your mates and when you get there you're pretty sure you're going to have a really great time. That's fine.

Or sometimes it's like meeting a friend for lunch in the middle of the working day. It's lovely to catch up but you're going to have to sprint to get back to your desk and the whole day gets a bit more frantic. And that's fine.

And sometimes it's like going to a cocktail party in November full of your DP's workmates who are dull (or worse) and nobody you know. You don't want to get dolled up and drag yourself across town in the drizzle and you're pretty sure you're going to be bored (or worse) when you get there. And that is not fine at all.

BreatheDeep · 04/09/2016 08:09

EnquiringMinge - Grin brilliant analogy!

limon · 04/09/2016 08:12

No. I used to with my ex. It's called abuse.

Alicesmith85 · 04/09/2016 08:17

Yes. Often. He wants sex more than I do and often when I'm busy doing other things.

FinallyHere · 04/09/2016 08:23

Love the analogy EnquiringMinge

EX was like this, DH is not. To be absolutely clear, I mean sulking if I didn't agree and prepared to go ahead regardless, given the chance. Took me far to long ( with ex) to realise what this meant about our relationship. Sigh.

sashh · 04/09/2016 08:33

If I just point blank refused he would probably keep trying a while then give up and roll over in a huff. That's it - I have no IdEA why that upsets me so much . It's the same with other things though I would just give in to save upset!

Because he acting like a two year old and having a tantrum when he doesn't get to play with his favorite toy.

Sweetie you are in an abusive relationship.

Ledkr · 04/09/2016 08:44

There's a difference between a "quickie" which to me is mutually pleasurable and allowing your body to be used as a wank aid.
If you are doing the latter then you need to have a good think, which as you have posted on here I suspect you already know.

Ledkr · 04/09/2016 08:47

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

We need to get over this myth that men have this insatiable sex drive which simply must be satusfied or they cannot be held responsible for their actions.
Because it's bollocks and insulting to the majority of men who seem to be able to cope quite happily with periods of abstinence.

DownWithThisSortaThing · 04/09/2016 08:57

I don't enjoy it it's just annoying I just try to ignore it but it rarely hurts.

If I didn't agree I think we would have sex probably I don't know 2 or 3 times a month which is how often we do it with both of us involved if that makes sense

2-3 times a month is totally normal OP. In fact it's probably frequent for some couples.
How often are you agreeing to sex as long as it's quick, when you don't really want to?

LemonSqueezy0 · 04/09/2016 08:58

This behaviour is absolutely unacceptable and I think OP, and subsequent posters in similar situations, are aware it's abusive.

Sex is fantastic but if you don't want it, that's enough reason to say No. That is enough. It doesn't matter if someone's bought you dinner, or waited for a month, or asked nicely, or married you, or begged, or any other million reasons. Please get help and build up your self esteem and confidence. Sex and intimacy aren't things that are owed, or to be used as a bargaining chip. It's your choice and you share it when you want to. There's a world of difference between a mutually desired quickie due to other commitments and being used and abused. What you allow is what will continue....

Xmasbaby11 · 04/09/2016 09:01

No I wouldn't do this and vice versa. You have to respect each other. You don't owe him Sex.

FindingSmeagol · 04/09/2016 09:08

Op, I know where you're coming from and I'm coming to the slow and horrible realisation that it's not normal and it's not right. I have a thread with lots of good advice on it but I'm rubbish at linking things on here.

BestZebbie · 04/09/2016 09:20

If you are agreeing but trying to minimise how long it takes to get it over with because you don't actually want to do it at all, that is not a great situation. Confused
If you are agreeing because you quite like the idea but were already busy, so only want a quickie, fine.
If you are agreeing because you aren't sure but think you might get into it once you start, also fine imo, but only if you could stop the whole thing if it turned out that you weren't getting into it after all.

BlurtonOnKites4eva · 04/09/2016 09:25

Enquiring minge that is an amazing analogy.

This thread is really sad though. I can't imagine wanting to shag someone who obviously wasn't up for it.

2-3 times a month is a completely normal amount of times to have sex. Me and DP both have quite high sex drives but we just can't find the time when we are alone/we are both awake. We're adults and have shit to do all of the time. So we're on about once a month atm.

TheNaze73 · 04/09/2016 09:31

Cant understand why either of you would want to

nolongersurprised · 04/09/2016 09:43

No, I don't do this.

duvet · 04/09/2016 10:32

Yeah great analogy sometimes, at first you feel you can't be bothered but once your there your glad you came!

Its good to make an effort sometimes but he certainly needs to take no for an answer if you don't enjoy it at all. Don't do it just to keep the peace!

Original poster
whyohwhycantisleep · 04/09/2016 10:37

Downwith - probably 2 or 3 times a mo th I want to and maybe twice a week that I don't feel like it as well.

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 04/09/2016 10:42

No.

Sulking when you say no to sex is sexual coercion and it is a strong sign of abuse.
I suggest you check out these links:
Am I in an abusive relationship?
Signs of emotional abuse

Incidentally, have you posted about your relationship before? I recognise your username but couldn't find a thread - maybe it got deleted.

itcontinues · 04/09/2016 10:44

I do this when I don't want long drawn out sex. I say make it quick which usually means a quickie, and I enjoy the quickie. Doesn't mean it's an abusive situation. I just don't want to lay there forever having my knee caps stroked, or whatever, when I could just be wham bam and asleep.

NameChange30 · 04/09/2016 10:59

You are getting mixed responses because the question in your thread title is rather misleading.

This would be more accurate:
"Does anyone else agree to a quickie when you don't want sex but know that your partner will sulk if you say no?"

If you'd asked that question, the answers would be pretty much a unanimous "no", with the only "yes" answers from other women in abusive relationships.

There is a big difference between sexual coercion and agreeing to a quick shag that you do actually want, with no negative consequences if you say no.

NameChange30 · 04/09/2016 11:10

Also, I've just re-read your posts and spotted this:

"it rarely hurts"

Does that mean it does hurt sometimes?

Even if it happens rarely, any sex you don't want that hurts you is NOT OK.

georgethecat · 04/09/2016 11:28

Yes I did this all the time in my last Relationship usually after he'd been watching porn and spending evening on his computer rather than engaging with me.

I'd be half asleep. Agree with others that it is fucked up but it was a situation that crept up on me. I used to tell him you're using me like a 'wank sock'

Uuurrrggghh shudder - so pleased I'm out of that situation. Now very happily single!

CremeBrulee · 04/09/2016 11:29

About to say sane as PP. Are you saying that he sometimes hurts you? That's just so wrong, you must know that's it's not right?

Lying back and thinking of England while he gets on with it sounds horribly grim. Like being an unpaid prostitute. You're doing this is keep the peace, avoid a scene and placate him. That's not what happens in a healthy relationship.