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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does anyone else do this (agree to sex as long as it's quick )

115 replies

whyohwhycantisleep · 04/09/2016 00:07

My dh is constantly nagging about sex. I do like sex etc but tbh he picks annoying times or when I really don't feel like it. I know he will be sad or grumpy if I repeatedly say no so I end up just saying something like " just be quick" or whatever Blush seriously I feel ridiculous saying it but does anyone else do that I just want it out of the way do I can go to sleep in peace of get up and get on with the day.

OP posts:
DownWithThisSortaThing · 04/09/2016 11:49

I don't mean to sound dramatic but it sounds like he's just using your body to get what he wants like a sex object with no actual consideration for you.
You have sex twice a week without wanting to and sometimes it hurts? If you don't do it he makes you feel so bad that it's easier for you to just do it and get it over with. Sorry but that's coercion. It's really not a normal thing in a loving, non abusive relationship. Sex is a two way thing and about mutual enjoyment. No way could I remotely enjoy it (or want to do it in the first place) if I got the impression DP didn't want to do it, or wanted to stop, or was finding it painful.

It is not part of your duty as a wife to do this and it sounds like you feel it is. If you don't want to have sex you shouldn't feel you have to compromise to a quickie. It doesn't matter how long it's been since you last had sex.

poppledopple · 04/09/2016 11:52

Have you ever had the conversation - how often and when - would be optimum for you both. He wants it 8 times a month - you want it 2/3 times a month - can you agree to meet half way and agree on what times are good - what times to avoid - and what the run up should be ?

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/09/2016 12:18

"Constantly nagging" and sulks when he doesn't get his own way. You're describing a sex-pest and an abuser.

He's explicitly exercising power over you. This is not in any way, shape or form part of a loving and respectful relationship. He's declaring his ownership of you over and over again. He's a very nasty man who you should seriously consider dumping at the first opportunity.

differentnameforthis · 04/09/2016 12:37

So in other words, you relent?

Relenting isn't consenting op.

Original poster
whyohwhycantisleep · 04/09/2016 12:47

Anotheremma - I created this username just to post this post so noGrinI didn't want it under my normal username for obvious reasons!

I will have a think about what's said here I actually can't decide which camp in - sometimes I suppose it is one and other times the other . Sometimes it's a question of I might want to but other times I really really don't and just give in - so I should draw a line I suppose .

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 04/09/2016 13:00

I think 'normal' in terms of frequency of sex is very subjective. It is really a case of what the individual's want and need. Everyone has a different drive.

Some people could go with once a month and be fine with that. That is normal for them.

Some people would say normal is 2/3 times a week. Neither are right or wrong and it doesn't necessarily mean that a woman who wants sex 3 times a week is abnormal or a nymphomaniac.

Sex everyday is normal for some couples and they don't see themselves as extraordinary.

What you want in life and what you get can be 2 different things. Just because one person wants sex 3 times a week, doesn't mean they'll get it 3 times a week. Whether that person is male or female.

I read a similar post somewhere else, but the genders were swapped and responses were mainly along the lines of 'he's not really that into you if he has to do it quickly. He's not showing you affection. He's forcing himself to shut you up. It's so horrible for you to keep getting rejected. Find a man who wants to make love to you" and he should see the doctor to have his testosterone levels checked/he might need a T shot

SleepingTiger · 04/09/2016 13:15

Haven't read the full thread, but to be honest sex and love transforms into something pretty horrific if this continues. What is he becoming?

keepingonrunning · 04/09/2016 13:18

why upthread you posted this:
"I've never really thought too much about it until the last few months when it's started bothering me more - I don't know why though!"
You do know why it has started bothering you - it's because you have become aware your gut feeling is telling you you are being used. And it's not wrong.
I'm very sorry you have found yourself in an abusive relationship. It's not ok for a person to get their own way with moodiness and sulking. It's covert controlling, manipulative behaviour and since last December there's a law against it.
Flowers

anyhue · 04/09/2016 13:28

I'm OK with quickie sex, it's often very good! But OP post and a few of the additional comments and clarification would raise concerns for me.

Whatever you do, the advice from "poppledopple" should be part of it, i.e, how often and when - would be optimum for you both.

MN is just full of posts on a regular basis with people with seriously mismatched sex drives/interests, and the serious follow on relationship issues as a result of mismatched expectations.

But I'd be concerned (and hopefully am totally wrong!!) that there might be more to it in this case?

HandbagCrazy · 04/09/2016 13:36

That isn't right OP. Can you imagine him saying "oh go on then, just be quick" and you jumping on and enjoying it??

I have never said this. I once, when I wasn't in the mood but thought DH could get me going, said ok and started. About 5 mins in (so kisses / touches, no actual sex) I wasn't feeling it. Was about to say something when DH just said "shall we stop?" I nodded, he stopped and had a cuddle. It didn't enter either of our heads that we should carry on because he was horny!

If the threat of an atmosphere effects you so much you say yes to sex when you don't want it, you're being coerced. Sorry OP.

Justdontaskhowiam · 04/09/2016 13:42

I'm glad you've posted this. I thought it was normal too since I read differently on mumsnet. I'm trying to be more assertive about it but normally end up feeling bad and saying oh go on then.

MrsJayy · 04/09/2016 13:42

Never for peace or to get it over with ive been with Dh 25 years sex drives a bit iffy sometimes but I wouldnt say oh justget on with it . Op you deserve beter if he sulks let him you are entitled to say no and not feel guilty.

PollyBanana · 04/09/2016 13:48

If he really needs to get his end away, and you're not in the mood, he can have a wank.
For most men, that would be preferable to having sex with a woman who clearly is not enjpying it

Marmalade85 · 04/09/2016 14:01

Done this so many times OP. Don't understand how the blokes enjoy it.

NovemberInDailyFailLand · 04/09/2016 14:04

No. Sometimes I do prefer it to be quicker, but he wouldn't want to do it if I really was not interested, and would hate it if I said something like 'be quick'!

As for 'nagging for sex', that's just awful.

IfNotNowThenWhenever · 04/09/2016 14:19

Only when in an abusive relationship years ago OP. He would nag and sulk, and ultimately punish me into it. Ironically I have always had a high sex drive, but in that relationship I ended up never wanting sex, because abuse and coercion is not a turn on.
This pp says
lol ive been there... after a long day at work, home to kids, dinner, homework, bath, bed then prep for the next day... poor dh just wants some loving and all i want to do is sleep!Its not abusive!!

Hmm.. maybe "poor DH" could be doing some of the things you seem to have on your plate, and you wouldn't feel that you had to give in to sex when you are actually exhausted and want to sleep? Lol.

I think we as a society have a very warped view of sex between a man and a woman. It's not enhanced masturbation, sex with another human being. It's not compulsory when you feel a bit horny to engage in sex with someone else, particularly if there is no one around who also wants it.
Sex should be mutual, and done with enthusiasm, for the enjoyment of both (or all-whatever floats your boat!) parties.

Rinoachicken · 04/09/2016 15:22

My H used to do this often. Would sulk, complain, silent treatment if I didn't give him sex. He was arrested recently for domestic abuse - because the police define this as rape (my husband was also controlling and coercively abusive in other ways, which is what I originally reported, but when they got to asking me about the sexual aspect of our relationship was when they immediately stepped in and arrested him).

Sadandconcernednow · 04/09/2016 16:07

I'm worried now I've read this thread and I'm going to sit my husband down tonight for a chat.
I do this frequently - he doesn't hurt me, doesn't have major sulks or pressure me, but because I don't like sex much I tend to just do it to make him happy. I don't think he realises I'm not into it and often I get into it once we start. He's a gentle and caring man and this pattern has developed over years so he'd not see himself as abusive. He moans we don't have sex enough and although he doesn't pressure me I do have sex out of guilt.
I know this isn't my thread but I just wanted to say this somewhere. I think he will be se estates to hear this but I've realised this isn't healthy for me or him. I love him a lot and I need to let him know that sometimes I hate sex but have it anyway and then I need to stop doing that.

Sadandconcernednow · 04/09/2016 16:08

*devestated not se estates!

NameChange30 · 04/09/2016 16:13

Sadandconcerned
FWIW I don't think your husband sounds abusive at all. It does sounds as if you are agreeing to sex because you feel as if you should rather than because you actually want to. It would definitely be a good idea to talk about your sex life with your husband - maybe you could consider couple's counselling if you think it would help.
Flowers

BBLucy1891 · 04/09/2016 16:14

I'll be honest here - I wouldn't say "be quick" but often these days I'm thinking it. I just am so tired from looking after baby all day...I just simply don't feel like it, but I know its an important part of a relationship and while my OH doesn't pressure me and certainly is not abusive, I know that he feels rejected if I turn down his advances constantly. So I just go ahead with it...I usually end up enjoying it but if I waited until I "felt" like sex I would literally never do it again!! I know its not romantic, and before pregnancy I never felt like this but now I;m simply exhausted :-P

Livelovebehappy · 04/09/2016 16:22

Surely sometimes, if people's sex drives aren't compatible, then you might have sex with your DP even if you don't feel like it and he does? It's not that you don't enjoy it, but perhaps just aren't as enthusiastic about it sometimes if you've had a hard day or are tired. I'm sure not everyone on here has exactly the same sex drive as their OH, and so sometimes a compromise is made. Crikey, I've done same as the OP before, and have never thought I was being forced into sex, or in an abusive relationship!

NameChange30 · 04/09/2016 16:33
Hmm RTFT. Or the OP's posts, at least.
Livelovebehappy · 04/09/2016 17:23

Yep Emma; read the thread thanks. And stick behind everything I've said.

Cherrysoup · 04/09/2016 18:16

I'm sure not everyone on here has exactly the same sex drive as their OH, and so sometimes a compromise is made. Crikey, I've done same as the OP before, and have never thought I was being forced into sex, or in an abusive relationship!

Totally agree (and I've read the whole thread).

I think, however, the difference is that you should feel free to say no, you're too tired, not in the mood, it's not convenient, whatever, without your DP sulking, pestering, persisting or because he or she will then leave you in peace. In the early days, I didn't want the DP to feel rejected, but we talked about it and sometimes, it was purely because I was knackered or not in the mood. He wouldn't pester, sulk or make me feel bad.