Husband ended our marriage after taking me away for a great romantic weekend

[Endofsummer]

We have gone to counselling this year (just finished), which aired a few problems, mainly around my husband being very evasive about our marriage.

He's happy to trot along and we are affectionate and happy most of the time.

However, any time a big problem strikes, with the children (we have step children and our own) or with us, he just backs off and says that 'he does not think he can give me what I need'. A few months later he usually admits that I had a point, the problem is sorted, but I am left to feel insecure around that time. He also doesn't take me out very much, so I end up socially on my own with friends more than is probably healthy.

Anway, in counseling a lot of this got aired, he made me feel much more secure by saying how much he really did want our marriage to work, and wanted me. The counselor suggested that he go for individual counseling to sort out his issues with being distance and backing off from problems (he had an alcoholic father). We both agreed to spend more time with each other.

So he is just going to start individual counseling. We've sorted loads out. We have been on a much more positive track for the past few months. We spend loads more time socializing together. The kids are happy. And we have a fantastic romantic weekend away where we got on amazingly.

And then yesterday he said he 'wanted to talk', and said that we should end it as 'he was never going to be able to give me what I need'...

Devastated. And also pretty angry. I kind of feel like I have been led up the garden path but can't put my finger on why I feel like this. I'll be left with our 3 year old too.

You're doing all the right things OP. And he doesn't like you taking control, so he's trying to get the last word. That text exchange could be translated as:

OP: I am backing off and will be consulting a solicitor.
Twat: No, no no - you're not backing off, you're just shrill and emotional! I'm backing off much more than you. I'm the backiest backer offer of all, and I bagsy backing off first, nah nah nee nah nah, so there!

Don't mistake this childishness for him wrong-footing you. He is behaving like a shit, he's making it all about him despite humiliating you hugely, desperately trying to retro-fit himself into the role of victim (heaven knows how) and having the temerity to talk about worrying that he will miss 'my child'.

Oh and then it's your fault you are 'too angry to talk to'. Ha! God you are so unfair aren't you?

I think you will feel better after you've seen the solicitor. There will be sanity there. And a formal process to navigate. That will help. You're not weak at all, but he is creating confusion and kicking up the dust around you so that you feel disoriented and dizzy. This seems to be his pattern - if you ever need any reminder of his modus operandi, (when you are perhaps feeling confused by some other stunt he will no doubt pull in the next few weeks and months} you only need to think back to the start of this thread, giving with one hand (romantic weekend) and then snatching it right back (breaking up with you as soon as you get back) - with an extra helping of cruelty. You were not wrong for wanting the romantic weekend or 'falling for it'. You have acted in good faith all the way through.

Expect 'Nasty Cat and Mouse' to be his game of choice.

Sorry to be so gloomy Endof. You're doing great. And anger is absolutely the appropriate emotion at this point!

P.s. Like others have said, don't let him take who and when you tell in RL. You deserve RL love and support. Take control there too.

Ooh cross posted with daisy while I composed huge post. Cat and mouse it most certainly is.

OP: I am backing off and will be consulting a solicitor.
Twat: No, no no - you're not backing off, you're just shrill and emotional! I'm backing off much more than you. I'm the backiest backer offer of all, and I bagsy backing off first, nah nah nee nah nah, so there!

So so SO this!!! Honestly my ex nearly wracked himself up trying to be the bigger person, and it just infuriated him when it wasn't being graciously accepted.

'That's fine. You'll hear from my solicitor. I'll email you a list of times you need to be at my place to care for x. Hope you managed to clear your head at the seaside.'

Don't let him be the puppet master. You are not a puppet, and you have as much right (possibly more) to call the shots as to what happens when.

What a douche.

Thanks hill and ivy. When he was telling it was ended, he got cross when I didn't agree he had 'integrity' as he put it. Why he would want my agreement beats me. He desperately wants to be the good guy here.

Should are the only one that needs to agree to complete his self-identification as good guy. If you agree, he's off scot-free. Without your agreement, there is still doubt on his own version of himself as the good guy.
And for clarification - he ain't. Self delusion isn't pretty.

Oh poor you. What a fucker. He's just trying to avoid the guilt and make himself feel better about it, as pp have said. It might not seem so now, but you are better off without such a selfish manipulative man.

Oh dear! He's built up a whole picture to himself of his nobility, his integrity, his sheer decency in leaving you - "tis a far far better thing I do now" sort of shit.
How very dare you ruin his noble gesture by refusing to see it for that?!
I mean, why on earth would you be angry? Can't you See he's doing the decent thing here?

Well no. Of course you can't. Because you're not a delusional, selfish, immature fuckwit. Him, on the other hand...

I take back what I said earlier about him maybe having depression etc. I think he does have deep-seated issues, but in the end, it's his choice to do something about them and he'd rather live in a fantasy bubble where he's such a victim, and such a decent guy, than actually do some hard yards and sort himself out.

Quite. He expects you to thank him for abandoning you and your child. Fuck that shit.

He expects you to thank him for abandoning you and your child. Fuck that shit. I love Mumsnet.

Summer, I hope these replies are helping you to stay sane - or at least not to fall into the deep well of meaningless self-doubt your STBXH has so lovingly prepared for you.

Thanks these posts are actually totally keeping me on track. I was doubting my own self. It's so hard to back off from the person you love, who is rejecting you. But that's my only option here.

You really do need to keep away from him. You can't hope for a man who would cast you away so callously. That's no way to live.

I really feel for you but ultimately life away from him has to be better than life with him.

Oh bloody hell, how tiring! My XP was a bit like this. Blew hot and cold all the time. When I got upset, I would be made to feel that I was slightly mad and irrational. I now realise all of it was a direct result of his ridiculous behaviour.

You deserve better than this and nothing good will come from putting up with a sub-standard. Let him go and create space for someone who really wants to be with you. Life is short.

Rowena I hope you will not be offended if I suggest "ridiculous behaviour" is more accurately termed "abusive behaviour". All that blowing hot and cold is deliberate manipulation, as it turns out, to keep you in a state of permanent confusion in which you are constantly flogging yourself trying to make it work, not knowing what the hell is going on in the relationship from one minute to the next. He on the other hand is sitting back contemptuously, reaping the benefits of you trying harder and harder to keep him happy.
I agree it's exhausting.
My solicitor estimated 90% of men being divorced claimed their wife was mentally unstable. I wonder if they know how predictable they are.

How's it going with the 'Man of Integrity' today OP?

Do you think he could be gay?

He has been in contact and has a complete u turn. He said he felt scared he was putting me through yet more grief but that I was the only one he wanted. He said he understood if it was all too much.

I'm reeling from it all and just trying to stay calm. I'll still see the solicitor. Take it one day at a time. I don't want to talk with him yet or have him in the house.

No I don't think he's gay.

Of course he has. Mr U Turn. Until next time gets uncomfortable. Op, if you are going to continue with this relationship, the next step needs to be him engaging in some serious individual counselling about his commitment issues, and his childhood. If he is prepared to put in the hard and emotional graft necessary, then maybe it's worth it. Without extensive counselling, I suspect this hot-cold thing is going to go on forever until he is actually brave enough to either walk away or commit fully. And there is no guarantee either of those will happen. Family life is inherently stressful - he has to understand that he needs to engage, and it is not going to possible for him to withdraw when the going gets tough. If he can't commit to that, then maybe he isn't quite as sincere about you being the one he wants after all.

Oh, add in parenting a child with special needs to his counselling list, too.

Bloody hell, all these twists and turns from him sound exhausting. I really hope this isn't a move to reel you back in after you'd told him you were backing off (Hillfarmer has nailed his response to that). Stay calm, stay 'backed off', and make it clear that through all this you expect him to pull his weight with your child.

I'm sorry, OP, but I really not think he wants to come back. I think he's panicking because either his 'better option' has decided she doesn't want him or single life might be harder than he thought. Maybe his friend has pointed out the financial hit he's going to take. Or he wants you to tell him to stay away so he can look like he tried to make the relationship work but you broke the marriage up. The poor little husband getting thrown out by his cruel wife.
Honestly, if I were ou I'd keep him out. I couldn't live with the uncertainly of "will he or won't he, stay wih me?"

Cat is trying to get mouse back in the game.

How much talking does he do about your feelings, summer? You seem to do an awful lot of hearing about his conflicts & doubts, etc. How well does he understand you?

It is very usual, in abusive relationships (and other scenarios featuring a power imbalance,) to find the targeted partner puts huge emotional and mental effort into understanding the other. The powerful person, by contrast, is strongly focused on their own self: they feel those around them should naturally put them centre stage as well. When we look into what they understand about their targets, we find they may have studied them rather like a lab specimen. They know a string of facts about their target, particularly anything they perceive as weaknesses or otherwise useful - but they don't know them as a whole person, the way you know your friends.

It can sometimes be helpful to do a mental audit of how much time each of you spends listening to the other, and whether your partner understands things like your conflicted relationships with family/friends or if he knows what really interests you.

Hillfarmer's right (again!)

Don't engage with him or his games OP.