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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband ended our marriage after taking me away for a great romantic weekend

107 replies

Endofsummer · 03/09/2016 16:57

We have gone to counselling this year (just finished), which aired a few problems, mainly around my husband being very evasive about our marriage.

He's happy to trot along and we are affectionate and happy most of the time.

However, any time a big problem strikes, with the children (we have step children and our own) or with us, he just backs off and says that 'he does not think he can give me what I need'. A few months later he usually admits that I had a point, the problem is sorted, but I am left to feel insecure around that time. He also doesn't take me out very much, so I end up socially on my own with friends more than is probably healthy.

Anway, in counseling a lot of this got aired, he made me feel much more secure by saying how much he really did want our marriage to work, and wanted me. The counselor suggested that he go for individual counseling to sort out his issues with being distance and backing off from problems (he had an alcoholic father). We both agreed to spend more time with each other.

So he is just going to start individual counseling. We've sorted loads out. We have been on a much more positive track for the past few months. We spend loads more time socializing together. The kids are happy. And we have a fantastic romantic weekend away where we got on amazingly.

And then yesterday he said he 'wanted to talk', and said that we should end it as 'he was never going to be able to give me what I need'...

Devastated. And also pretty angry. I kind of feel like I have been led up the garden path but can't put my finger on why I feel like this. I'll be left with our 3 year old too.

OP posts:

notapizzaeater · 04/09/2016 10:19

Why should he call the shots about telling people - you need support around you now not in a couple of weeks !

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 04/09/2016 10:36

Moved out? I bloody well hope you are making sure he comes round to do his 50% of the caring, while you go out with mates or to the gym or a park or library or whatever chills you out.

If you let him see the drudge of parenthood as optional now, it will be hard to change later. If you make parental responsibility all your responsibility with him doing you the odd favour then that's going to be a problem. Make bloody sure he does his share NOW.

Original poster

Endofsummer · 04/09/2016 11:19

I did have him come yesterday to look after our child so I could go out to the shops. But I really disliked having to see him as. I just feel so angry I want to scream at him. I want him away from me.

Something strange has happened to, his eldest step son said he'd gone to the coast for the day today. I've no idea who he would know there. He's not the sort to take day trips. Maybe he's friend has persuaded him to go out. My mind is racing as I just can't believe we could go from being so 'back on track' as it were. Had such a great weekend. And now this?

OP posts:

EarthboundMisfit · 04/09/2016 11:27

I think you need to prepare yourself for the strong possibility that he is already involved with someone else.

GingerIvy · 04/09/2016 11:42

I agree that the day trip kind of sounds like he might be involved with someone else.

Original poster

Endofsummer · 04/09/2016 11:59

I feel a bit sick thinking about it. I've no idea how I would find out no I've kicked him out.

OP posts:

keepingonrunning · 04/09/2016 12:55

He's not been honest with you, or kind or respectful - stringing you along, nodding and smiling, telling you what you want to hear.
I'd look on him as your gift to some other unsuspecting woman, whether she is in the wings now or in the future.

GarlicMist · 04/09/2016 12:57

I've had that need to know! Believe me, I understand how desperately important it feels. Objectively, it doesn't matter. I wonder if it would be helpful to assume there is? Will this help you feel your feelings?

The man who doesn't quickly line up a 'replacement' is an unusual creature. A girlfriend will materialise at some point, and by then it will be easier to accept the story about when they met even if you suspect it was earlier.

If you need to know he's interested in someone else for a sense of closure, then it could be wise to suppose he's at least been looking around. Whoever it is has all the joys of life with a semi-present partner ahead of them

keepingonrunning · 04/09/2016 13:01

You are worth more than this type of treatment.
And childhood issues are no excuse, especially with so little effort on his part to make changes. Everyone has childhood issues of one sort or another but not everyone treats others shabbily. It's a choice he has made.

GarlicMist · 04/09/2016 13:05

They're not an excuse, keeping, but they can be a reason. Most people aren't able to make choices outside of their childhood conditioning until they've at least done enough therapy to understand the problem - he hasn't. Neither does he show any sign of being prepared to - if he were, he'd have started it when his marriage went shaky. Instead, he played an avoidance game :(

Flum · 04/09/2016 13:08

Sadly it looks like the writing is in the wall. he wants out and doesn't have the confidence or heart to explain how he really feels and so is housing Classic terms.

To be honest you could keep fighting for the marriage but he sounds like he ain't in it for the long haul. it may be better to let it go now while you still have time to move on than to let it drag on for a few more years. I think if you stick with it more your confidence may get even more of a kick.

As a last resort you coudk suggest a one year trial separation before you pull the plug in the marriage and file divorce for divorce.

Original poster

Endofsummer · 04/09/2016 13:19

I do have a nagging feeling that I do not know the full picture.

But then I have had that feeling before when he's detached from me. It's horrible as you are left wondering and trying to 'fill in' that gap. aargh...

I did text him today, to say I didn't know what the hell was going on with him, and why the sudden change, but that I would be backing off and seeing a solicitor this week. He responded by saying that I was 'too angry to talk with' and asked me to stop texting and that he wouldn't reply. I didn't rant and call him names. Feel totally back footed now.

OP posts:

TheSilveryPussycat · 04/09/2016 13:38

You may feel totally back footed now - but you aren't. You have told him you are backing off and seeing a solicitor this week.

It sounds like you were hoping for a particular kind of response from him - reasons, an apology, it matters not precisely what. You got a reply, with a request to stop texting.

Don't text (I presume you aren't considering replying?) - you won't be "complying with his request", you'll be backing off, just as you said you would.

TheSilveryPussycat · 04/09/2016 13:41

(PS I know it feels hard, but this is the beginning of your own detachment, sad but necessary)

EarthboundMisfit · 04/09/2016 14:03

Yes, he's trying to blame everything on you and accuse you of being ruled by your emotions, when in fact you are conducting yourself beautifully.

Original poster

Endofsummer · 04/09/2016 14:07

It does feel sad. And I do feel a bit like a tigress, left with our child. He's acting like I'm the wobbly one and that he's doing something responsible, that's what gets me. Like I'm a little mad!

I do need to back off now. I booked the solicitor, which feels surreal.

OP posts:

Original poster

Endofsummer · 04/09/2016 14:11

earth and cat thanks so much, your words give me strength. He really did make it sound as if he's doing the right thing, and I'm the weak one for having kept trying before. Even after having a romantic weekend? How is that a signal of the end of the road?

OP posts:

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/09/2016 14:37

Ah now that I can answer - it's also known as (forgive the crudeness) the "mercy fuck". The last loving act before the final blow to the relationship. I've had it happen once to me and it confused the hell out of me too, but apparently it is a "thing". :(

bikerlou · 04/09/2016 14:42

Sorry but he actually sounds more like a child than an adult male. I couldn't take being messed around like this and it isn't good for the children. I'd end this and start again before you waste any more of your life.
I'm all for trying hard for a marriage to work, my own 15 year marriage isn't always a bed of roses, but I think you are on a hiding to nothing here.
If he can't decide whether he wants this marriage or not then he clearly doesn't.

Original poster

Endofsummer · 04/09/2016 14:51

It's a bit humiliating to feel the weekend was a mercy one! Wow I was a fool I was genuinely happy.

OP posts:

GarlicMist · 04/09/2016 14:59

You aren't a fool, he fooled you - on purpose.

The mercy element was for himself: he said as much, didn't he? He was aiming to create a good memory (for himself.) It's all part of the "I really tried to save the marriage" narrative: attending counselling, but revealing little; being nice; sexy weekend treat. Yup, I can safely say I did it all even though I wasn't really making an effort.

He checked out ages ago - may never even have fully checked in. And this was all about him.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/09/2016 15:11

Sorry Endof - didn't mean to make you feel like a fool at all! :(
I don't think you are either, it's not something you expect to happen and not something that women, in general, do; so it's an alien concept to most of us.
Until it happens.

And what Garlic said too.

daisychain01 · 04/09/2016 15:13

Eventually, maybe not now, you will see he has done you a massive favour.

He is a millstone around both your neck and that of your DS. He has been messing with you emotionally for a very long time, like a game of cat and mouse.

See it as the opportunity to be rid of the doubt and uncertainty that he has been dishing out.

You really do deserve much better.

Cary2012 · 04/09/2016 15:17

The last weekend thing OP, not your fault at all.

The silly deluded fool did it to make himself feel better about what he had planned.

Then anytime he had nagging doubts about being such a prick, he can quash them by saying to himself "But I'm a good guy deep down, 'cos I took her away for a lovely weekend'

It's all the rage on Planet Twunt.

Original poster

Endofsummer · 04/09/2016 15:25

No I need to hear it. I don't mind a bit of a reality check. The weekend and rebuilding the relationship were like him saying... This is what you could have, good isn't it... But you can't.

OP posts:

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