Husband ended our marriage after taking me away for a great romantic weekend

[Endofsummer]

We have gone to counselling this year (just finished), which aired a few problems, mainly around my husband being very evasive about our marriage.

He's happy to trot along and we are affectionate and happy most of the time.

However, any time a big problem strikes, with the children (we have step children and our own) or with us, he just backs off and says that 'he does not think he can give me what I need'. A few months later he usually admits that I had a point, the problem is sorted, but I am left to feel insecure around that time. He also doesn't take me out very much, so I end up socially on my own with friends more than is probably healthy.

Anway, in counseling a lot of this got aired, he made me feel much more secure by saying how much he really did want our marriage to work, and wanted me. The counselor suggested that he go for individual counseling to sort out his issues with being distance and backing off from problems (he had an alcoholic father). We both agreed to spend more time with each other.

So he is just going to start individual counseling. We've sorted loads out. We have been on a much more positive track for the past few months. We spend loads more time socializing together. The kids are happy. And we have a fantastic romantic weekend away where we got on amazingly.

And then yesterday he said he 'wanted to talk', and said that we should end it as 'he was never going to be able to give me what I need'...

Devastated. And also pretty angry. I kind of feel like I have been led up the garden path but can't put my finger on why I feel like this. I'll be left with our 3 year old too.

My STBXH left for OW 8 months ago. I didn't get much truth then or after. I'm sorry but it sounds like he has a reason to end things abruptly, but isn't sharing it with you. It is most likely OW, or a woman making him think she'll see him if he's single.

My counsellor explained that it's common for an adulterer to be unsure of whether they'll go or stay, so the pretence stays to the end. Just before I found out about my ex's affair we'd been talking about holiday plans. The DCs thought daddy was going to tell them about it the next day, not say he'd left!

He's not being clear with you. Don't trust him on any financial or housing 'advice'. Seek a good solicitor and accept help from family and friends.

Thanks hillfarmer. I do feel betrayed, no matter what it is. Even if he isn't having an affair, he promised to be committed to being in a relationship. And he hasn't in a brutal way.

I wouldn't be suprised if he had another woman, even if it is 'friends' that could turn into something Lilac. And so sorry you had to go through the adultery. Interesting that your counselor said that an ambivalence can be that they have 'another option'. Even if they haven't acted on that option yet. So horrible! To waste a family on whatever is going on. It is a low betrayal. Something to do with us not working, I could understand. Bailing out, I don't.

I am sorry you are having to go through this EndofSummer.

However, I think that the clue to what is really going on here is in your statement about your DH's Alcoholic Father.

The children of Alcoholic parents are often very deeply scarred by their childhood experiences and will display a number of behaviours in adulthood that emanate from those scars. Those behaviours, such as 'all or nothing behaviour', 'running away', 'absence of empathy' are very well documented in books such as Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Gravitz & Bowden

Moreover those behaviours, whilst well hidden for long periods, will nearly always reassert themselves at times of stress.

I suspect your DH s now running away from your marriage (all or nothing behaviour) to avoid the need to have individual counselling. He will be seeing that idea as highly stressful because it might open old wounds he prefers to kerp buried.

I also suspect he really doesn't understand what is going on himself. He will be aware of all the issues he experienced as a child, but may not understand just how much those issues are colouring his current behaviour.

You have said that you feel the things he is saying to you and his actions don't add up and you are right. They don't and they won't.

Most adults who has experienced the trauma of dealing with an Alcoholic parent need help if they are to ever overcome the issues such trauma causes in their later lives. That often requires the intervention of someone who really loves them to get that help.

I wonder if your Counsellors are really experienced in this area? If not it would be worthwhile seeking out a specialist Counsellor that understands the issues relating to parental alcoholism. Al-Anon may also be able to provide additional support & guidance to both of you.

Whoopsie Thanks. He only phoned counselor when I pushed him. He would rather avoid most things. Including our marriage now

All I can say is that if his childhood experiences are the cause, he really cannot help that behaviour.

He will need help to understand what is happening and the mechanisms he can use to cope with the way he will be feeling.

I really recommend you read that book.

Sorry you're going through this
I'm struck by the phrase "I can't give you what you want"

Does it mean "we don't want the same things and I feel that makes the marriage wrong for me?" I appreciate that won't make you feel better but I wouldn't jump to other woman.

And then yesterday he said he 'wanted to talk', and said that we should end it as 'he was never going to be able to give me what I need'...

My instinctive response to this was that it sounds likes self sabotage, rather than an OW.

But that could be massive projection on my part.

Just to add, I have read your posts several times and really don't think this is an OW issue !!

This is an issue of him trying to release you from the obligation of having to work through his childhood issues with him.

I would seriously doubt he'll go to a counselor now, so I don't think he'll work through it.

We spent a lot of time in couples counseling trying to find out what he wanted from our marriage, he evaded it so much the counselor was driven mad! Some things emerged but were minor and solvable.

Lori - he just says what he has said in the past to avoid talking about problems. 'Well I haven't made you happy in the past' (actually not true, it's a mix) so I am doing the brave and selfless thing by ending it'.

While everything he's put you through sounds like 'another option', the alcoholic parent and repetitive "not good enough" statements lead me to agree with Whoopsie. It's likely he has an insecure attachment style that makes him pull away from intimate relationships while wanting nothing more. Sadly the only person who can fix this is him, and it's a long job that he shows every sign of avoiding.

This doesn't rule out having another option in the wings as well! Being partially attached to two or more partners is a very good way to avoid that scary intimate involvement.

I'm really sorry you've gone through so much soul-searching and relationship building, only to be sent crashing down like this. You certainly deserved better than the rather shallow marriage you've had. You seem to have your head firmly screwed on - and, yes, be angry! He's short-changed you and your children.

I think you should let him go, even when if he decides he wants to work at it after all.

Be kind to yourself, surround yourself with good people - and prepare to play hard-ball, while hoping you can organise a civilised split. He's well-meaning but selfish, basically, so who knows which way he'll go?

Sometimes partners, especially women, can tie themselves in knots trying to work out someone's odd behaviour at the expense of their own needs and feelings. Armchair psychology, attributing all kinds of things to what happened in childhood, can become an all-consuming project.
Endof you have tried your utmost to support your H in order to make a go of the marriage. He has had opportunities handed to him on a plate to sort out whatever he needs to sort out within himself emotionally. He has consistently not taken responsibility for himself on this issue which, as an adult, is his job not yours.
While it's very difficult for you right now I hope you can soon enjoy being free of feeling a responsibility to 'fix' him.

Thanks keepon and garlic. Yes he's had a loving partner who was willing to give it time and patience, me.

I do also feel angry as our 3 year old has physical disability issues that he knows are hard to deal with as a single parent. He's been a great Dad but I feel doubly hard done by tbh.

The apparent rejection of DC aswell as you can provoke the most anger, when you become aware of the protective lioness part of you. He's jumped ship when you both need his contribution with the caring role.
You will get through this. You might even have more energy reserves if you are not trying to find answers the whole time to what is going on with him .

Is he saying that he's not emotionally equipped for a relationship? Because that is the lie he has come up with.

I don't think that is a lie. I think it's true. Relationships require effort to work. Sometimes he's prepared to put that effort in, sometimes he's not. When he is, he tells you that. When he's not, he tells you that too. But each is true for him at the time.

We talked in counseling about a marriage being a decision as well as feeling, or work etc. I felt like I needed to know from him that he wouldn't bail out on me. Just be around, be loyal, be there. I understand a mini backing off, I've had my moments when I just needed a night out with friends. But chucking it all in? There's no opportunity to restart, just too insecure. For his kid too.

I am going to see a solicitor next week. I've phoned a friend. It's really weird, sitting in the house having to prepare for a break up. Very sad. Strange.

Sorry to ask, but has he sought help for depression at all? Sounds to me like he may have a problem with that - he seems to be able to do well for a while and then is hit with self-doubt, crippling self-doubt, which causes him to back off and "run".
He may still have unresolved issues from his alcoholic father, of course - but I would suggest he at least investigates the possibility that he has depression.

He is adamant that he has a very robust, content nature. He is amazingly self contained. But admits he is immature emotionally. He doesn't function well under emotional stress. He misses me a lot if I go away. More than I do him.

Um. Sounds like he's got a LOT of repressed shit going on from when he was a child then. A LOT. He's found a way to deal with stuff to maintain function, but he's not allowing himself to just "be" with himself.

Sorry - armchair psychology going on - he really does need to continue with the personal counselling.From what you've said, I'd say he's actually in denial of most of his feelings - just locks them away and shuts down, rather than dealing with them in an adult fashion.

If he misses you more than you do him, why would he want to leave you?
Unless he's testing you, maybe? Trying to validate himself by your protestations of love and reassurance that of course he is good enough and gives you what you need/want?

Has he left, btw? Or is he still there?

I agree with Whoopsie (I was thinking this before I read Whoopises comments but they have phrased it better than I could).

I mean I could be wrong (it is not unheard of ), it could be a case of OW ........ but from my armchair, it's not that. (And none of us know for sure.)

I think the trauma of his childhood has made him feel that things fail and if they do not he will do his best to sabotage them anyway. I know someone in real life who does this (but for different reasons).

RE "I really don't know what the hell is going on. I asked him why the romantic weekend away? He said 'because he missed those times with me, wanted to have good memories'. "

So he had already planned to tell you he would go before the actual romantic weekend away?

He sounds very insecure in a way and his 'I'm not worthy' sounds genuine. But what do I know!

You say "I don't know what to do as I'm completely confused. And I'm also left holding the baby as it were. So cross! I've kicked him out for a while until I get my head together. Why would he say this now?"

I think you can proceed at your own pace, but whatever happens, please, for the sake of your dd who will most likely have a lifelong relationship with him (whatever happens with you) insist he seeks personal counselling.

IF he can tackle these issues, personally, he may be able to save your marriage or may be able to have a good co-parenting relationship with you around your daughter or at the very least; a better one that may be possible now.

You mentioned step children, are they his? Are you in touch with his ex wife or partner? It may be wholly inappropriate but I wonder if you were in friend/ good relationship with her ..... if her story of him would be very similar to yours?

I do not think it is your job to fix him, but if you love him, and have a child with him, I think you need to exert whatever influence you have now to request he pursues counselling for the issues that are blighting his life.

I know how fickle people can be, a long time ago had a brief relationship with a guy who was one minute telling me I was the love of his life and he was happy to have found me (all the other women in his life having let him down and left him etc etc) and the next minute was dumping me!

I later discovered (from his own lips) that actually all those other women had been dumped by him but he had managed to make it (in his head) about how badly they had treated him! I was very happy to walk away.

However, we did not live together or have a child together etc etc and I think much as it is not, as I say, your job to fix him, I think you may find it helpful to encourage him to seek help.

Along with the attachment issues left over from an alcoholic parent (I have a teen living with me at the moment who left home because of a parent's alcoholism) is he also freaking the fuck out about the attachment needs placed on him by having a child with a disability? This triggers a huge ostrich head in the sand response in a lot of men - it's easier to ignore rather than deal with it as a responsible parent (I have a dd who was brain damaged at birth and has cp). We all know there are proportionally more marriages that end when parents are under additional stress of dealing with children with disabilities.

Either way, he is copping out. And I am angry on behalf of you and your family. Be strong - you will be better without xxx

After reading the OP, the words "relationship sabotage" sprang to mind, and several PPs have confirmed my thoughts.

Especially when you'd had that lovely romantic weekend, there he was sticking a bomb under it and trotting out the "I can't give you what you want" line. It's all about " quit while I'm ahead". I've seen that mentality before, it's really destructive, dishonest and frustrating to the person who it's aimed at, it's a head-fuck. An OW doesn't need to be part of it, it's a behavioural pattern of someone who has unresolved issues (as PPs have said)

Has he said what he wants to happen? Has he left?

Yes his family, mother, brothers and sisters all have problems resulting from their childhood. One brother is so shy he never goes out except to work. Another blames my DH for not caring about him at all. His sisters have been to therapy and are open about the trauma. DH has a very high level, demanding job, so outwardly he is very responsible.

I do think some of this is a reaction to our disabled child. He did a lot of 'of course I will not be leaving you to cope alone, I love my child, this is the worst thing for me, not being around my child...' Which made me cross. I will have to cope alone, and it will be hard to find another relationship with so much on my plate.

He has sabotaged relationships in the past, and did this to me a couple of times before but then had a change of heart. I thought we'd aired this in counseling. His first marriage was odd, to me. Not much love on either side, totally different people. He married at 22 - she really wanted someone to look after her and her son (BF had abandoned her) he was (and is) a good financial provider - and treated him like a dogsbody. Just ordered him around, but in a 'I can't cope you have to cope for me way'. Which seemed to suit him at the time, he felt needed and had a role. But he said that he didn't feel like he became confident in any way until his 30s, just did stuff for other people all the time.

DH has said that 'we should take a couple of weeks to work out what to tell the children and family', and has moved out to a friends.