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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH has just joined twitter without telling me

111 replies

StrawberrytallCake · 02/09/2016 18:20

I'm a bit worried as my dh has just joined twitter, as stated - made his profile private and not joined up to me...all whilst he was supposed to be looking after our two children. Just before he made it private (he didn't realise this would happen I suspect) I had a notification that he has joined and saw who he started following within which were two relatively famous attractive sports women. He has been working late the last few nights - I know not having an affair because I know the people he was with, but if he had nothing to hide he would surely tell me?

I've got a really horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach, should I catfish or just wait and see if he tells me? Was looking forward to a nice night together tonight and now my heart is racing. Am I being over the top?

OP posts:

LoveRosie2008 · 02/09/2016 18:35

The men I know on it just post really boring stuff. Yawn.

AnyFucker · 02/09/2016 18:35

Strawberry, you sound all over the place, love

RebelRogue · 02/09/2016 18:35

I didn't tell oh when i joined twitter,netmums,mumsnet,instagram,twitter, whatsapp or pinterest. And i'm always on them while looking after dd.

KatieScarlett · 02/09/2016 18:35

My DH has no idea I have a Twitter account. Because he would not GAF and it has never come up in conversation.
I use it mainly to find out what's going on. Not as a tinder substitute.

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 02/09/2016 18:37

It's not a dating site, FFS. It's Twitter.

MatildaTheCat · 02/09/2016 18:37

Twitter isn't exactly clandestine and I imagine the sports women he is following don't pose much of a threat to you. It seems you have other issues with dh but I wouldn't dwell on this as any sign of anything.

If you are insecure and jealous perhaps that's the very reason he has created a private account? He doesn't want to be questioned about every person he follows or tweet he posts. I believe it's meant to be fun.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 02/09/2016 18:38

I guess I'm worried he's a cheater! I know I should trust him but I don't think I do.

That's it, really, then. Twitter won't help him cheat. If he's going to, it's probably more easy for him to find someone down the pub or at work than on Twitter.

I'd leave Twitter out of it for now - it's not like he's just joined Tinder, and it's not overly unusual that he hasn't announced his new account or followed you. Plenty of people use Twitter to follow news/celebrities/sports people/train companies/banks/etc.

Usually I'd say that you do need to talk to him about feeling like a slave, but it seems you've already done that and he largely ignores you - saying that he'll change means nothing if he hasn't. If you don't trust him and he doesn't respect you, maybe it's time to stop flogging a dead horse? It doesn't seem that this is fixable without a lot of effort from you both and it doesn't sound like he'll try.

If you honestly think he'll cheat, it'll all end anyway, but a lot more cataclysmically.

Original poster

StrawberrytallCake · 02/09/2016 18:41

CoconutAndVanilla you're right, I will speak to him when he eventually puts his phone down and takes the 3yo to bed.

AF I am all over the place tbh.

Had some pretty horrible experiences in the past with exes - abusive, cheating and dh was not exactly wonderful when we met. I thought we were quite solid apart from him not doing all he can at home but understood more because his job is quite high pressured at the moment and reasonably new. We spend a lot of time together and tend to discuss everything - yes even if I joined pinterest (on which I wouldn't be directly speaking to other people), so I have a bad feeling that I have had before.

OP posts:

AnnieOnAMapleLeaf · 02/09/2016 18:43

In the kindest possible way, Strawberry, the fact that you have been treated badly in the past does not mean that the same will happen again. I know it's easier said than done, but if you want your marriage to last, you have to trust your DH. If you truly believe that you cannot trust him, then your marriage is already over, IMHO.

dontcrynow · 02/09/2016 18:46

I'm on Twitter but dont think I've told my dh. Its not a secret I just dont think its important. My dh wouldnt care

WannaBe · 02/09/2016 18:48

It's simple, either you trust him or you don't, and it sounds as if you don't.

I do know people who have Got together with people they met on Twitter, I myself have in fact made friends with people on there and I first encountered my DP on there although we didn't get together until long after that, but joining and following famous athletes is hardly a reason to be suspicious.

And a lot of people lock down their accounts. It saves them from being followed by porn spammers.

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 02/09/2016 18:49

I joined Twitter and didn't tell DH. He's not on it but still. DH follows famous women on FB but hasn't told me. I know because he regularly thrusts his phone under my nose to show me.

I think your anxieties are getting the better of you.

Original poster

StrawberrytallCake · 02/09/2016 18:50

But this also makes me not trust him (or at least adds to the non trust)...obviously that's not the same for the majority of people......

It's just in our relationship it is weird for him not to have told me.

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teacher54321 · 02/09/2016 18:51

I think My dh is on Twitter, I honestly have no idea. I've got an account but never use it so can't remember if he's following me or if I'm following him or even if we are both on there. I was on Instagram for a year before telling him about it, and I waste tons of time on mumsnet which he is aware of but doesn't know that I post on here as often as I do because I don't tell him. The reason I don't tell him is not because I am secretive, but that I know that he wouldn't find it remotely interesting in any way shape or form. We are both reasonably active on Facebook as we have loads of friends in common who all use it (met at university).

What I'm trying to clumsily say is that my dh could easily spin what I've just told you into: 'my wife is on Instagram and didn't even tell me about it, I don't know what she's doing on there but her account is private and I can't access it.'

CoconutAndVanilla · 02/09/2016 18:52

StrawberrytallCake, reading what you've just said kinda explains why you are insecure I'm sure he hasn't signed up to Twitter to cheat, and just to browse and follow people, I hope everything sorts itself out once you've spoken to him.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2016 18:52

So he needs your permission to join twitter? Or is it because he has set it to private? I'm on twitter and I didn't ask or tell my DH.

There's clearly some deeper issues.

riceuten · 02/09/2016 18:55

I didn't tell me OH that I joined Twitter. Should I have ?

rednsparkley · 02/09/2016 18:55

My DH is on Twitter and I am not. I am not the slightest bit interested in tweeting and I don't know who he follows or is followed by. However, I don't have the back history and anxiety that you seem to have so I understand why you are getting yourself a bit worked up.

Try and have a calm chat with him and hopefully he will reassure you

Costacoffeeplease · 02/09/2016 18:57

It's Twitter, not tinder, I think you're massively over reacting

Original poster

StrawberrytallCake · 02/09/2016 18:57

Thanks Coconut, me too. I know it's nothing on what many of the women post in relationships for so sorry about that, but I feel a bit better now for the slapping around I got from some vipers - and actual compassion from you!

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JudyCoolibar · 02/09/2016 18:58

But why wouldn't he tell me or follow me on there

Ask him?

I have to admit I didn't announce it to DH when I joined both Facebook and Twitter, but that's mostly because he's not interested. He does know now, because I've shown him the occasional post, and didn't bat an eyelid. I have a pretty large number of male followers and friends on both FB and Twitter who DH doesn't know, simply because they are people I've met in other contexts, and again DH, rightly, isn't bothered about it. I guess it is a matter of trust.

BadToTheBone · 02/09/2016 18:58

I think dh might be on Twitter, don't know and don't care and he had an affair, years ago now, but still. Twitter is just boring tweets and retweets, I came off it because it's so boring.

ClashCityRocker · 02/09/2016 18:59

Fuck, I joined twitter, Facebook, linked in and the Labour Party without clearing it with dh. I did mention it when it came up in conversation, but didn't specifically tell him.

My dear, you sound like you've got yourself in a bit of a pickle. Leaving aside him being a lazy bastard (although I think that needs sorting too) do you think it's his problem or your problem?

Do you genuinely beleive he won't cheat, but still have that little niggling doubt, or do you actually think he would cheat given the chance?

ButtMuncher · 02/09/2016 19:01

Love, I mean this sincerely but you need to seek some kind of self healing for the way you feel - your insecurities are valid, but you need to let it go - you've massively overreacted to your DH joining Twitter, and I suspect part of the reason he's absent sometimes is because I imagine you question him a great deal which pushes him away.

If your husband acted shady when you first met, it's your responsibility to either accept it happened and let it go and to not let it dictate your life, or allow it to suffocate you and him and end up weeks, months or years down the line resenting him and him resenting you. The problem with the second option is that anything your DH does will make you worry, like this probably very innocent move to join Twitter. It will be a very insecure, paranoid and unsettling existence if you choose this path.

Mummyoflittledragon · 02/09/2016 19:01

Why would he cheat? Is there a history? Or do you have previous experience from an ex?

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