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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Another fucking married man.

111 replies

ReallyFuckedOffAboutThis · 02/09/2016 12:03

I'm not posting and running, although I am going out shortly so I won't be back for a while to respond.

I'm posting this here because I, obviously, can't tell anyone in real life but I'm really fucked off about it.

I've been on here for ages and I have been pretty vocal about how lack lustre/utterly non existent my love life is and how crap my experience with men has been. Aside from the few married men who've assumed I must be desperate and tried it on, no one is ever interested.

I am friends with a couple. I am close friends with them as a couple and with them independently of each other. This means that we spend a lot of time together with our children as families, but that I also go out for lunch/cinema/pub/exercising with each of the couple. It's fine. Nothing untoward has ever happened. All is good.

I know things aren't great between them at the moment and hasn't been for a couple of years or so. They've both told me this. They, obviously, have different perspectives, but the facts are the same. I think they each know the other talks to me but I never discuss the what the other person has said. But I do bear it in mind if I'm offering advice. Mostly neither of them want advice particularly, just to offload.

They are the perfect facebook family. FB is full of "my awesome family", "what would I do without my wonderful wife" and "my amazing hubby" type posts with the occasional #family thrown in. Lots of replies about how lucky they are and beautiful family... You know the sort.

Anyway... last week I went out somewhere with the husband. Nothing untoward, his wife knew, no problem, we often do it. And what did he do? Yep, he told me that he wasn't going to leave or anything, but that he loved me and would love to have the 'whole package' with me. I'm not quite sure if he was proposing an affair because I shut it down pretty quickly. I've seen them both since and it wasn't mentioned. I'm no different with either of them, but I will make sure I'm not on my own with him again.

There's no point telling her, I know (because I know her well) that she won't believe me, she will assume I have encouraged him somehow and she would drop me as a friend before she even challenged him about it.

I have very strong boundaries. Nothing will happen. But I'm fucked off that it's happened; it annoys me to read all the shit on FB about what a wonderfully happy family they are; and I'm fucked off that no one single is interested! Not really looking for advice, just having a rant.

Fucking ridiculous fucking arrogant fucking men.

OP posts:
ohtheholidays · 02/09/2016 14:08

It's a bloody horrible position to be put into OP and I'm sorry you've been put into that position and by someone that's supposed to be a very close friend.

I've had the same happen in the past,not an extremly close friend we'd been friends at secondary school and then met up again about 18 years later but it was lovely seeing her again and we started to chat alot and went out in small groups together and then one night her new husband came with her and tried it on and then grabbed my arse,I went mad at him,so he confessed what he'd done in front of everyone including his wife/my friend and he tried to make out it was a joke.

That was the last time we went out together and that was 2 years ago.
We still talk,but he really screwed things up for my friend,it's not just me neither she doesn't go out with any of our friends now.
God only knows if he'd done the same before with any other friends.

I think it would be a real shame for you and your friend(the lady)to miss out on each others friendship and company because of her arsehole husband.If it was me I'd keep him at arms length from now on and only ever spend time alone with her or when they're both with you.

Muddlewitch · 02/09/2016 14:14

I feel for you op, I get this too from married men, it's shit. I agree a bit of distance would be good but it's rubbish that your friendships are affected that way by nothing you have done and just a bloke who fancies putting it about.

Must admit my experiences of this with friends partners and married men at work has really, really dented my view of men in general.

LineyReborn · 02/09/2016 14:24

I've had this, too, and found myself being characterised as a 'bitch' and someone with a 'chip on her shoulder' by the ghastly men whom I knocked back. Bloody unfair.

Selfimproved · 02/09/2016 14:32

Ooh, there's a man blaming you a little bit on here. Justaboy she can have a drink with a friend.

LoveRosie2008 · 02/09/2016 14:41

I have also seen men pursue, before getting married, after getting married and after the wife has just had a child. Not really sure why they get married, really strange must be a ego boost thing or marriage is just a status thing to them? Not really sure, just given up trying to work them out.

Helloitsmeeeee · 02/09/2016 14:52

I have had this too with a married 'friend' who said he thought he was happily married but now wasn't sure and wanted to try me out before he would be prepared to leave his wife (who I also know.)

it has made things very awkward and I avoid his company now. He still sends the odd text about how much he appreciates our friendship but sadly I don't class him as a friend any more.

I can understand why you feel angry.

lakefaith · 02/09/2016 15:00

I know you said you are not looking for advice and I would be the last one you should listen to but you sound like a great friend and I'm guessing his trying his luck with you. I think you done the right thing and she is luck to have a friend like you it's a shame you think she wouldn't believe you (no helping some people) when it comes to you needing male attention or company from a single guy what about trying to meet a guy online? It's hard to meet people out and at least online you can pick a bit.

Mummydummy · 02/09/2016 15:31

Yes it is a fucking cheek and he's an arse.

I just want to say though as a divorced mother I hang out with my best friend and her husband - take holidays with them sometimes - and he has never ever done such a thing and I know never will. I also hang out with another couple (the husband is a very old friend from way back) and again I completely trust him to behave. So I think its unfair to assume that a single mother who chooses to hang out with couples will inevitably get herself into that situation. Some men are decent and have integrity and its hard enough being divorced without not being able to hang out with familly friends who are couples! Who would we have as friends? Just single parents?

Hillfarmer · 02/09/2016 15:34

He doesn't want to rock the boat or anything.

He definitely did though didn't he? Avoid.

TheZeppo · 02/09/2016 15:53

helloitsmeeeee TRY YOU OUT??!! WTF?

Literally Shock at the fucker.

ShebaShimmyShake · 02/09/2016 16:23

Justaboy: Do many women do that I wonder?

What, go out with a mate for a drink and a chat? Yes, it's quite common. In fact, in these scandalous permissive days, sometimes we even do it without our corsets and bustles.

If you've got something to say, Justaboy, and you clearly have, come right out and say it.

ohtheholidays · 02/09/2016 17:38

I should have said in my post I am married myself and the arseholes that have tried it on with me that have been married to friends of mine know that I'm married and they all knew my DH.

Justaboy · 02/09/2016 17:40

ShebaShimmyShake Nope it was a gen question, not seen it in the married' couples i know.

Or did you miss that part?

NotAnotherHarlot · 02/09/2016 17:50

And this is why separated women get frozen out of the couple friendships they previously enjoyed. It's shit OP. Much sympathy. I think AF nailed it with the he will go on the offensive. I've had that sadly.

ShebaShimmyShake · 02/09/2016 18:22

Thank you, Justaboy, I didn't miss a thing. I picked up on your implication that the OP is somehow to blame because she socialised with a man, even though he was a friend and the wife knew and was happy with it. And I even picked up on your questioning whether socialising is appropriate for "women", no mention of married men. Your tone implies that when married men hit on single women, it's somehow the woman's fault and her responsibility. Don't want married men bothering you? Women, stay home.

If that sounds offensive and archaic, it's because it is. Examine your prejudices.

WorzelsCornyBrows · 02/09/2016 18:24

Back away, slowly and carefully. You will be painted as the bad guy.

Justaboy · 02/09/2016 18:35

ShebaShimmyShake. Lets see. I wrote;

{Perhaps best not to go out with him alone anymore.}

(In response to the incident that had happened)

Do many women do that I wonder? Seems a fertile ground for bother of one sort of the other.}

That's a married woman going out with a married man. Each without their partner present where there is an implied problem in one or either married relationships such as the OP implied in;

{I know things aren't great between them at the moment and hasn't been for a couple of years or so}

Hope that clarifies it. No implication that she was at fault for being propositioned.

.

LoveRosie2008 · 02/09/2016 18:40

Don't also forget that a lot of men turn nasty when you turn them down (even if you thought you were friends). So he won't be able to wait to slag you off to his wife I expect, unless he is the exception to the rule.

KatieScarlett · 02/09/2016 18:42

Been there, shut that down, hard.
Then never mentioned it again. Made sure I was never alone for an extended period of time with the chap. I was not prepared to lose my beloved relative over his nonsense. This was over 30 years ago and is long forgotten. Both still together and happy.

Hockeydude · 02/09/2016 18:47

Get away from both of them even if they are old friends. Leave them to their lies. It's one thing to have marriage problems, millions of people do. But quite another to post sickly crap online.

Lorelei76 · 02/09/2016 19:10

Justaboy, not sure if I've misunderstood or if you are saying friends who happen to be married shouldn't go for a drink?!

Op sorry this happened. Can't say I'm surprised. I'd be wanting to tell the wife because when you keep your distance he'll say you tried it on with him.

Shuddering at "whole package". What is that, he pays for a mistress flat on the other side of town?

ShebaShimmyShake · 02/09/2016 19:32

Yes, Justaboy, that's what I said. OP is being hassled by a married man and your response is to ponder what women do to get into these situations. Implying that it's their responsibility to police their socialising by questioning whether many women would socialise.

oldlaundbooth · 02/09/2016 19:38

Because it's always the wanton woman's fault.

Never the poor innocent chap.

Shock at 'try you out'

What am I, a fucking Honda Civic?

Zombieswillreign · 02/09/2016 19:44

How did you not see that one coming?? Why didn't you just see him with her? I've lots of friends.i don't feel the need to see their husbands ,with or without their consent...that was just waiting to happen

winkywinkola · 02/09/2016 19:47

This unfortunately will bite you on the arse eventually and there will be a big row.

He won't forget about it. And he will be annoyed you're not interested.

I would step back from them. He has messed things up imo and it's time to develop other friendships and spend time with other people. Nothing wrong with that.