Opinion please who is right and who is wrong?

[Curviest]

Could you say who is in the wrong here, and (if you like) why. Thank you very much.

Couple get together, he is 27 and (through shyness) only ever had sex with one woman. She is 37, had lots of boyfriends. They are both sex mad, move in together, and it's a very highly sexual relationship: "at it" every day before and after work, and several times over the weekends.

Joint mortgage, expenses shared, then she gets made redundant and can only get a part time poorly paid shop assistant job, so he partially supports her. They are not married and there are no kids.

When she hits 45 she has some gynae probs then hits menopause. High libido suddenly turns to zero libido. She isn't bothered; he is utterly gutted.

She says: "I don't want sex ever again, but you cannot do it with anyone else." She has always been very possessive, and this does not change.

After 3 years of no sex, he calls for a discussion. He says: "I'm only 38, still extremely highly sexed. Sex means an awful lot to me, but I have had no sex for 3 years and I am not happy to live without sex for the rest of my life. Is there a chance that you may get your libido back, or is there any way you would let me have an affair? If not, I think we will have to split up."

She says, "We can't split up - ever. I cannot support myself on my part time shop job. My share of the equity in this flat (if we sell it) isn't enough to buy even a bedsit. Cannot rent as no landlord will accept my two dogs. Besides, this is my home! I have decorated it and made it beautiful for 13 years and I don't see why I should leave just because I won't let you f__ me."

Friends and family say: "you can't throw her out onto the street just for not giving you sex. There is more to a relationship than sex."

So, stalemate.

In your opinion, who is right and who is wrong?

[SandyY2K]

Perhaps the third party is one of the people in the relationship,.posting for an unbiased opinion. How else do you know they were at it like rabbits and having it X number of times a day.

Either way ... she is being unreasonable and should go for an open relationship or end the relationship.

Enforced celibacy won't work and he'll cheat in the end. Relationship counselling will tell you it's as a result of the underlying problem in the relationship.

[OnionKnight]

Onion I appreciate you saying I'm usually spot on but I don't know why you didn't address me directly and say "you" instead of "she"?

I do apologise, no offence was intended.

It's pretty obvious that the OP is in this relationship, whether they're the male or female isn't obvious though.

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

So, stalemate.

No. He wants to end this relationship. She wants to keep this relationship. That's not stalemate. That's one person ending a relationship. It happens all the time in break ups, possibly most of the time.

[NameChange30]

Thanks Onion.

If the OP is in the relationship, it's obviously the man. Their posts blatantly make the man look reasonable and the woman look unreasonable. Surprise surprise, everyone has said the woman is being unreasonable.

Well she is, but this is only one side of the story, and the OP man is being unreasonable too.

[NameChange30]

Maybe the OP is a female friend of the man and they are having an emotional affair, hence all the sordid detail and being not-so-subtly on his side? Maybe she's the one he wants to have a sexual affair with?

[Trills]

Good wild speculation...

[flippinada]

Yes, thats' what I thought. It's quite transparently someone who has a vested interest in the relationship ending - there's a bit too much intimate detail (all the tmi stuff about their sex life) for someone who's 'just' a friend.

[RebelRogue]

Mutual friend,hoping she can get the "palace" cheap if the relationship badly breaks up and they can convince the man he's being taken for a mug . Or a friend that's also a real estate agent hoping for a nice commission

[Quimby]

If I was him is be gone.

Don't think I could be in a sexless relationship but even worse than that is her attitude to a split.

She can't abide it because it would leave her in a less comfortable position.

She's a cock lodger and is tying to guilt him in to remaining unhappy for her own comfort.

[RubbishMantra]

My NDN rents and has a dog. Has OH even researched this? Most rental agencies put "no pets" in their spiel as standard. She could pick up the phone and at least enquire?

Grown people should feel responsible for themselves, there are no children to support, so no maintenance to pay? She didn't take time off work to look after children they had together, therefore enabling his career to the detriment of her own? So why the entitlement? Completely manipulative behaviour.

Are you beneficial joint tenants, or tenants in common?

The thought of a man staying with me out of guilt would give me the right collywobbles. Couldn't bear it.

[RubbishMantra]

*Surely there would be enough equity from the sale of the flat for her to put a deposit down on a mortgage? Or as other posters have said, rent (or agree to live as flat-mates) whilst searching for a job that offers more hours/income, and visiting mortgage lenders to enquire what her earnings would need to be to be offered a mortgage?

I'd be looking to get the flat valued, so you have a rough idea of the equity you're looking at.

[mouldycheesefan]

Nobody.
They need to try counselling.
Why is she still in the poorly paid job years later? She could work full time or surely over years get a better job. He ultimately isn't responsible for her financial situation they are not married.

But it does sound salvageable.

[SandyY2K]

Whether there's enough equity or not isn't his problem really. He's not obliged to look after her till the end of time.

She needs to be able to support herself.

[Trifleorbust]

Both of them are wrong, him for trying to make their relationship contingent on infidelity, her for trying to make him responsible for her financially forever, when he wants to break up.

[winkywinkola]

He should trial the sex once a week. Perhaps it will reignite her libido.

Neither is right.

Perhaps the relationship is salvageable. It would be great if it were.

[JustAnotherPoster00]

Fannylodger LTB

[RebelRogue]

If the op is true i don't get how you could salvage or come back from "you can't leave me,i need your money"

[eightbluebirds]

She sounds very controlling. Sounds like the relationship has run its course and they need to move on.

[Anniegetyourgun]

My guess is that the OP is from the man's family/friendship group, probably the twin's partner. I agree with those who reckon we can't give a fair response based on a third party's partial account. He does have an absolute right to leave a relationship that's not working for him, though.

[LunaJuna]

I think the woman should get financially independent so she won't be in this relationship for the wrong reasons.
From that, if they still love each other and want to be together but no sex , maybe have an open relationship ?? Idk, doesn't seem they got much to lose....

[SandyY2K]

He is being unreasonable about this. If she is genuinely willing to make an effort to be intimate once a week, and she is doing it for the sake of him and the relationship, that is just as valid a reason as spontaneously feeling in the mood for sex.

Really? Because this would usually be called rape on MN. I disagree with that line of thinking.

And Red you're right. If it was the other way round, he'd be called exactly what you said and people here would say LTB.

Sex with a partner who does it out of duty isn't what most men desire.

[NameChange30]

Yet another person completely missing my point.

[AllPowerfulLizardPerson]

"Sex with a partner who does it out of duty isn't what most men desire."


However, working on loss of libido to reach the desired end goal is necessary. And learning to enjoy physical contact again can only really happen if you start having physical contact. And it sounds as if he's the one saying 'no'

[NameChange30]

AllPowerful Exactly. Glad someone else gets it.

[SandyY2K]

He wants and needs active desire on her part.

This shows she doesn't have the desire and he is being reasonable, to not want see with someone who isn't a willing participant. Because it would only get thrown back in his face. If he saw desire, he'd go for it.

There was no misunderstanding at all.

If my DH was having sex with me because 'had to' and out of a fear of loosing his home, it would be an absolute turn off. Her biggest concern is the house and not his very normal sexual needs.

If he suddenly passed away how will she support herself? Let's assume there's no life insurance and the house was purchased as tenants in common, where there's isnt automatic ownership to one person if the other dies.