Opinion please who is right and who is wrong?

[Curviest]

Could you say who is in the wrong here, and (if you like) why. Thank you very much.

Couple get together, he is 27 and (through shyness) only ever had sex with one woman. She is 37, had lots of boyfriends. They are both sex mad, move in together, and it's a very highly sexual relationship: "at it" every day before and after work, and several times over the weekends.

Joint mortgage, expenses shared, then she gets made redundant and can only get a part time poorly paid shop assistant job, so he partially supports her. They are not married and there are no kids.

When she hits 45 she has some gynae probs then hits menopause. High libido suddenly turns to zero libido. She isn't bothered; he is utterly gutted.

She says: "I don't want sex ever again, but you cannot do it with anyone else." She has always been very possessive, and this does not change.

After 3 years of no sex, he calls for a discussion. He says: "I'm only 38, still extremely highly sexed. Sex means an awful lot to me, but I have had no sex for 3 years and I am not happy to live without sex for the rest of my life. Is there a chance that you may get your libido back, or is there any way you would let me have an affair? If not, I think we will have to split up."

She says, "We can't split up - ever. I cannot support myself on my part time shop job. My share of the equity in this flat (if we sell it) isn't enough to buy even a bedsit. Cannot rent as no landlord will accept my two dogs. Besides, this is my home! I have decorated it and made it beautiful for 13 years and I don't see why I should leave just because I won't let you f__ me."

Friends and family say: "you can't throw her out onto the street just for not giving you sex. There is more to a relationship than sex."

So, stalemate.

In your opinion, who is right and who is wrong?

Has she been to the GP and sought appropriate referrals to see if there is a medical cause, and reached a dead end?

Loss of libido, in either sex and depending on cause, can be treated. If hers cannot, then yes something else has to give. But it's not clear if she has had this properly investigated.

Flip it.....

I'm a 38yo woman and my 45yo partner hasn't had sex with me for over 3 years. I have a very high sex drive, but masturbation only works to a point, I crave some intimacy with my partner. I want to leave him but I can't because he won't get a full time job and can't afford to live alone so I have to support him for the rest of our lives. WWYD?

There'd be a resounding chorus of 'LTB', 'he's a cocklodger', 'he has no regard for your feelings', 'you have every right to leave a relationship', 'it's emotional/financial abuse making you stay with him', etc.

Why should it make any difference the other way round.

They need to separate.

Redisthenewblack worded it perfectly

If they both were happy with the no sex rule then fine, but if one isn't then they are incompatible and staying because she can't get a house without him is not his problem in my opinion! Has she suggested any alternative to make him happy? Do they both still love each other? I would have to let my husband go if I couldn't make him happy with something like this, it's selfish!

I think the woman is being selfish.
The man does not have to support her. She will find somewhere to live.
I couldn't live like that.

I think he should follow the advice on sex once a week - if she consents, of course, which it seems she does. Just to see if, though starting from cold, she warms up, iyswim - which I found happened in my case, at one time in my life.

Then think again in the light of what happens.

"went to relationship counselling and formed an agreement that she would participate in some kind of sex about once a week, but he refuses to do this, as he knows she doesn't want it and would just be "acting". He wants and needs active desire on her part."

He is being unreasonable about this. If she is genuinely willing to make an effort to be intimate once a week, and she is doing it for the sake of him and the relationship, that is just as valid a reason as spontaneously feeling in the mood for sex. It may be that getting back into the habit of being intimate helps to rekindle her natural sex drive anyway.

It is completely unreasonable of him to expect her sex drive to stay the same throughout her life and to expect to have as much sex as in the "honeymoon" stage of the relationship.

Of course she is also being unreasonable in saying that he has to stay with her in order to support her financially.

But if he ended the relationship because of lack of sex when she had actually offered to try doing something about it and he refused, I wouldn't think much of him.

Neither of them are coming out of it well at the moment, to be honest!

Do they even actually care about each other anymore?

If you decide to opt out of sex forever then that's all well and good, but you can't make that decision on behalf of someone else. He has tabled a few options.

She's working part time through choice. Get a full time job. Most people manage to have a nice home even though they work full time. It's just a normal thing, not out of the ordinary in any way!

But he should have been prepared to follow the advice from counselling.

They should probably split. They don't sound well suited now, it happens. But she shouldn't get a more generous equity share because she chose to work less.

Are there new rules of breaking up that no one told me about?

Does there have to be a bad guy and a good guy? Do all of the friends have to agree who is the goodie and who is the baddie?

Is one of them supposed to have an moment?

Get your noses out of your friends' relationships. Stop them if they try to drag you into it. Read a sad mag about Peter Andre loving his kids or something instead.

I can't believe people think he should have sex with her,knowing she's not into it,but she'll do it because she has to. Would you feel even slightly aroused or satisfied knowing that?
All the posts here where women say they "give in" for an easy life,due to pressure etc are being told it's akin to rape and what a duck their OH is for doing it when they know she's not into it,not acknowledging her cues etc.
But the man in the op comes off bad for not doing it?
People are weird.

And this relationship is dead already. End it and move on

No one is entirely right or wrong, they're just no longer compatible.

The wrong part is emotionally blackmailing him into staying when the relationship is no longer fulfilling him in any way - I don't under any circumstances think she should be pressured into giving in to his need for sex, absolutely not - but if he's not able to live with her without it, then he needs to leave and she needs to accept that.

So he needs to leave. And she needs to accept that. As for the rest - that's life - but not his responsibility.

There is a difference between having sex because you "have to" and agreeing to some sexual intimacy - something you are comfortable with - because you love your partner and don't want to lose that side of the relationship. I am assuming she wouldn't have agreed to the suggestion if she didn't want to have sex at all.

I agree with Rebel.

They seem less concerned about each other than they are the loss of face as a result of who's to 'blame'.

It doesn't matter whether what their sex life or any aspect of their relationship was before, if it's dead than that's it.

Emma there was no mention of love anywhere,just financial reasons for not splitting up. That would make me question it even more i. Is she just sitting there thinking of england and hoping is over soon? Is she doing it just to keep the financial support? He knows she doesn't want it! He knows she's not horny or i to it!! It's a fucking sex contract..where's the intimacy and love in that?

I'd leave.

No, i disagree, I think it's weird and unconscionable and potentially distressing to have sex with someone who isn't interested but is doing it "for you" .

She should look at medical help for her lack of libido if she genuinely wants to sort out the sex side of it.

If she doesn't want to sort out the sexual side, then she could offer him an open relationship if they both actively want to stay together.

If it's passive and convenience of their current living arrangements only that makes her want to stay together, then she will have to come to terms with the fact that it's going to change and they're going to have to sell up. Life changes. It's not always for worse, even if you think it is to begin with.

I'm actually a bit about Emma's post as she's usually spot on, would she advise the woman in this situation to have sex with her DP even though she doesn't want to?

The woman is being totally unreasonable. She wants her 38 year old Partner to go without sex, for the rest of his life??!! Ridiculous. She needs to get a better paid job and support herself. He needs to leave and find someone with whom he is sexually compatible. They are no more than flatmates, with the current set up.

It's not the woman's fault that she doesn't want to/can't have sex. But she is definitely wrong in demanding that he is responsible for supporting her financially. They are not married, have no children, and she is physically capable of working more hours. It sounds as though she wants him around because she likes the financial arrangement.

Agree that if the roles are reversed everyone would have been shouting LTB.

*"went to relationship counselling and formed an agreement that she would participate in some kind of sex about once a week, but he refuses to do this, as he knows she doesn't want it and would just be "acting". He wants and needs active desire on her part."

He is being unreasonable about this. If she is genuinely willing to make an effort to be intimate once a week, and she is doing it for the sake of him and the relationship, that is just as valid a reason as spontaneously feeling in the mood for sex.*

I disagree Emma.

Again, flip it.... how many women would be happy with their DP giving them a quick fingering once a week just to say they'd 'done it'? I know it wouldn't get me off knowing my DP wasn't interested at all and was just doing it to shut me up.

My phone has gone really fucking weird which is so frustrating because I want to write a proper reply and my phone keeps fucking it up.

I think people have misinterpreted my comments and I apologise if I didn't explain myself properly.

Onion I appreciate you saying I'm usually spot on but I don't know why you didn't address me directly and say "you" instead of "she"?

But no I was not suggesting that she should have sex if she doesn't want to or go through the motions if she's not interested. I was assuming she did want to try and rekindle some kind of sex life which is why she agreed to it. If you've lost the habit of having sex sometimes it can help to schedule it in. For example a sensual massage which could lead to sex if it gets both partners in the mood.

Tbh I think the main problem of this thread is that neither of the people concerned are posting. It's just the OP and everyone else talking about them and speculating.

I actually think RunRabbit hit the nail on the head (and made me laugh!)

I also think it's weird that we are getting such detailed information from a third party, firstly that they would know so much about what each person is thinking, and secondly that they would post it on a public forum. If someone I know in real life tried telling me half of that shit about their relationship, I'm not sure I'd even want to know, let alone start a discussion about it on the Internet.