Opinion please who is right and who is wrong?

[Curviest]

Could you say who is in the wrong here, and (if you like) why. Thank you very much.

Couple get together, he is 27 and (through shyness) only ever had sex with one woman. She is 37, had lots of boyfriends. They are both sex mad, move in together, and it's a very highly sexual relationship: "at it" every day before and after work, and several times over the weekends.

Joint mortgage, expenses shared, then she gets made redundant and can only get a part time poorly paid shop assistant job, so he partially supports her. They are not married and there are no kids.

When she hits 45 she has some gynae probs then hits menopause. High libido suddenly turns to zero libido. She isn't bothered; he is utterly gutted.

She says: "I don't want sex ever again, but you cannot do it with anyone else." She has always been very possessive, and this does not change.

After 3 years of no sex, he calls for a discussion. He says: "I'm only 38, still extremely highly sexed. Sex means an awful lot to me, but I have had no sex for 3 years and I am not happy to live without sex for the rest of my life. Is there a chance that you may get your libido back, or is there any way you would let me have an affair? If not, I think we will have to split up."

She says, "We can't split up - ever. I cannot support myself on my part time shop job. My share of the equity in this flat (if we sell it) isn't enough to buy even a bedsit. Cannot rent as no landlord will accept my two dogs. Besides, this is my home! I have decorated it and made it beautiful for 13 years and I don't see why I should leave just because I won't let you f__ me."

Friends and family say: "you can't throw her out onto the street just for not giving you sex. There is more to a relationship than sex."

So, stalemate.

In your opinion, who is right and who is wrong?

[JenLindleyShitMom]

She is in the wrong for thinking she gets the say over whether they split up. She doesn't. If he wants to split he can. You don't get to force anyone to remain in a relationship with you.

[SandyY2K]

Now she knows then.

[Curviest]

The OP HAS been back, and reading, and would thank everyone for their input.

No, I am not one of the parties concerned, or I would have said so from the start.

The lady is a friend of mine and keeps on asking me: "Am I being unreasonable?" and because I am friends with both of them, and can see both sides, I didn't feel able to make that judgement.

She wanted an opinion, and now, via me, she has lots of them and it appears that everyone thinks that she is, indeed, being unreasonable.

I have now shown her the thread.

Thanks again.

[PinkissimoAndPearls]

What a very bizarre OP and of course, they haven't been back.

I tend to think they are definitely one of the parties involved. The only people who know exactly what is going on in a relationship, are the people involved. A third party, no matter how much they think they do, will not know everything (and usually have loyalties on one side) so it is weird for someone without full knowledge of the relationship to be judging it, then asking complete strangers to also judge it

Bizarre.

[RebelRogue]

I still think if everything what's been said in the op is true,then the advice is wrong,and i can see why he refused. If it was a normal,loving relationship and two people desperate to salvage their relationship out of LOVE then yeah it can work and it should be given a try

[EmmaMacgill]

Good point Walter

I think AnotherEmma Hit the nail on the head, we can't really comment as the OP is not in the relationship that they are commenting on, they do seem tohave an unusually vested interest in the relationship though
My immediate though was that the OP is either OW or wannabe OW.

[Waltermittythesequel]

OP hasn't come back?

[Livelovebehappy]

Sorry, but I think she is definitely in the wrong. Three years without sex shows he has hung on in there for a more than reasonable length of time, and why should he have to make a vow of celebacy for the rest of his life if it is something important to him, just because she works part time and can't afford to rent alone, so basically sees him as her carer? There are no children, she is an adult, so needs to stop being so self absorbed and either get help for her sex issues, or both should go their separate ways.

[NameChange30]

MyWineTime

"His refusal, along with her reasons for wanting to remain in the relationship, indicates that she was just going along with it to keep him happy and not because she was really looking to rekindle the physical side of their relationship. He wants sex, if he has said no to her offer, then I get the impression that her offer was crap."
That is a LOT of assumptions you're making right there. We don't know why she agreed and he refused.

And you are right in that for the therapy to work, sex has to be off the table to begin with. It starts will sensual touching, then builds up to sexual touching, and PIV is the very last step in a long process, which couples take at a pace they are both comfortable with.

[MyWineTime]

However, working on loss of libido to reach the desired end goal is necessary. And learning to enjoy physical contact again can only really happen if you start having physical contact. And it sounds as if he's the one saying 'no'
There is a massive difference between a woman agreeing to have sex once a week to keep him happy, and agreeing to have sex once a week in order to reignite her libido. His refusal, along with her reasons for wanting to remain in the relationship, indicates that she was just going along with it to keep him happy and not because she was really looking to rekindle the physical side of their relationship. He wants sex, if he has said no to her offer, then I get the impression that her offer was crap.

I also disagree that having sex is the best way to increase libido. You have to start slowly with an increase in touching with absolutely NO pressure for sex. I would actually suggest a sex ban for a couple who both wanted to fix their sex life, so she would no that if she showed affection, it would not be seen as a green light for sex.

[NameChange30]

^ THIS

[AllPowerfulLizardPerson]

As suggested by a (proper) therapist, it isn't coerced sex against the fear of losing your home. It's a series of consenting touching exercises designed to reawaken the libido.

He wasn't prepared to participate, even though he must have known (assuming he actually listened to the therapist) the reason they were recommended. He wanted the end result, but refused to actually engage in a process that might lead to it.

[SandyY2K]

He wants and needs active desire on her part.

This shows she doesn't have the desire and he is being reasonable, to not want see with someone who isn't a willing participant. Because it would only get thrown back in his face. If he saw desire, he'd go for it.

There was no misunderstanding at all.

If my DH was having sex with me because 'had to' and out of a fear of loosing his home, it would be an absolute turn off. Her biggest concern is the house and not his very normal sexual needs.

If he suddenly passed away how will she support herself? Let's assume there's no life insurance and the house was purchased as tenants in common, where there's isnt automatic ownership to one person if the other dies.

[NameChange30]

AllPowerful Exactly. Glad someone else gets it.

[AllPowerfulLizardPerson]

"Sex with a partner who does it out of duty isn't what most men desire."


However, working on loss of libido to reach the desired end goal is necessary. And learning to enjoy physical contact again can only really happen if you start having physical contact. And it sounds as if he's the one saying 'no'

[NameChange30]

Yet another person completely missing my point.

[SandyY2K]

He is being unreasonable about this. If she is genuinely willing to make an effort to be intimate once a week, and she is doing it for the sake of him and the relationship, that is just as valid a reason as spontaneously feeling in the mood for sex.

Really? Because this would usually be called rape on MN. I disagree with that line of thinking.

And Red you're right. If it was the other way round, he'd be called exactly what you said and people here would say LTB.

Sex with a partner who does it out of duty isn't what most men desire.

[LunaJuna]

I think the woman should get financially independent so she won't be in this relationship for the wrong reasons.
From that, if they still love each other and want to be together but no sex , maybe have an open relationship ?? Idk, doesn't seem they got much to lose....

[Anniegetyourgun]

My guess is that the OP is from the man's family/friendship group, probably the twin's partner. I agree with those who reckon we can't give a fair response based on a third party's partial account. He does have an absolute right to leave a relationship that's not working for him, though.

[eightbluebirds]

She sounds very controlling. Sounds like the relationship has run its course and they need to move on.

[RebelRogue]

If the op is true i don't get how you could salvage or come back from "you can't leave me,i need your money"

[JustAnotherPoster00]

Fannylodger LTB

[winkywinkola]

He should trial the sex once a week. Perhaps it will reignite her libido.

Neither is right.

Perhaps the relationship is salvageable. It would be great if it were.

[Trifleorbust]

Both of them are wrong, him for trying to make their relationship contingent on infidelity, her for trying to make him responsible for her financially forever, when he wants to break up.

[SandyY2K]

Whether there's enough equity or not isn't his problem really. He's not obliged to look after her till the end of time.

She needs to be able to support herself.