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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Would you divorce this man?

99 replies

Changednameforthisthread1981 · 01/09/2016 16:18

I'm a regular but worried about being found by dh.

I have been married 6 years, 2 children (3&6). I have asked him to move out and I intend on seeking a divorce. But then I find myself questioning myself. I would so appreciated some thoughts. Am I expecting too much?

The positives
My husband is a fundamentally good man.

I trust him absolutely
He is a fantastic provider. Works very hard and is now on a very high income that allows me to be a SAHM and for us to enjoy a very comfortable life
He is a brilliant father. Loves being a father. They adore him

The negatives
He is a very hard man. Unsympathetic if I'm ill or worried about something
He is a critical man. If I do anything 'wrong', he picks me up on it. He will assume that I'm always at fault in any situation with a third party e.g. Messed up dinner reservation? It is because I did something wrong. Taxi running late? I just have cocked up timings.
He gets moody, and they are very stony moods that can go on.

He is quite cold. Used to be lots of affection, but now no 'I love you', no pet names, very limited cuddles. I continue to give this.
He cannot deal with stress and get incredibly uptight. Which is odd, considering he has a highly stressful job. But if the slightest thing goes wrong, he will have a tantrum. Will cancel plans, refuse to do what we'd agreed. Over very small things e.g. He didn't wear a suit jacket to a christening, when he saw all the other men were wearing suit jackets, he stormed off outside the church, leaving me alone with bewildered friends and our children.

So you see it's nothing like the hardship some
Mumsnetters experience, but it does feel like life with him is not a pleasure. We have our good times, and that's what stops me going full throttle, but the good times are outweighed by the bad times. We have done relate, twice, and will not do again.

Would love some thoughts.

Thank you

OP posts:

adora1 · 01/09/2016 16:23

He sounds a nightmare to live with and if the bad times outweigh the good then it's time to move on, in fact, he sounds pretty abusive.

HandyWoman · 01/09/2016 16:28

He sounds like a spoiled child. What happens when he throws these tantrums? Do you pussyfoot around him? If so your dc are learning to do the same, both now and in their adult intimate relationships.

Having said that, it sounds as though, in your heart of hearts, you know what to do. It can't feel as though he loves you... In which case time to make the leap...

Buzzardbird · 01/09/2016 16:28

You sound pretty miserable so I don't think you should stay together. If you are not getting anything out of it, there is no point.

Original poster

Changednameforthisthread1981 · 01/09/2016 16:34

Yes, I know in my heart. I just feel devastated for the children. We put on a very good front to them, sometimes it's genuine and others it is just a front. They adore him, my daughter adores "our family".

He is so impatient and unpleasant to his parents. I was gobsmaxked the first time I saw him interact with them. 10 years later, he treats me like them. I will advise my daughter to consider how any possible husbands treat their parents as I think a good indicator as to how they will treat their words ten years down the line.

Anyway, I digress. I don't kick up a big fuss when he has a tizzy fit because I don't want to upset the children, and also I don't really "feel" it. If you know what I mean. I will try to explain. I have known shocking stress in my life, I won't go in to details, but it involves my parents, it involves alcoholism, mental illness, sectioning, dementia and ultimately death. So because I have known that kind fosters and heartache, so much of his behaviour seems ridiculous and I just can't bring myself to get too exercised about it. However I now see that it is chipping away at me.

OP posts:

Original poster

Changednameforthisthread1981 · 01/09/2016 16:35

Words should read wives

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 01/09/2016 16:35

He's not that fantastic a father if he doesn't show his kids what a respectful, loving, tolerant and good-humoured relationship looks like. He is teaching your kids to think you're an idiot. Not OK.

RiverTam · 01/09/2016 16:35

I bet he doesn't throw tantrums at work when he gets stressed. He does it at home because it's not important to him.

It doesn't sound great, and clearly he has issues he needs to deal with. I guess it depends on a) if he ever would acknowledge and then deal with those issues and b) if you want you and the DC to stick around while he does, or thinks about it, or whatever.

Bythebeach · 01/09/2016 16:40

If something goes wrong, you say he thinks the fault lies with you. This suggests he has no respect for you and thinks very little of your worth-I do not think you can remain with him and retain your own self-respect.

missyB1 · 01/09/2016 16:42

Does he ever admit to or acknowledge his criticisms of you or his tantrums? In other words does he have any insight at all into his behaviour? If not then he is never going to change, I suspect that's why relate didn't work.
Life is to short to be with someone who doesn't make us happy. And this front you both put on for the kids isn't real and one day they will work that out and potentially feel very betrayed.

Original poster

Changednameforthisthread1981 · 01/09/2016 16:43

But there's rarely screaming matches, and often we have nice times. But more often than not, there's tension and bickering.

Am I expecting too much from a marriage?

OP posts:

Original poster

Changednameforthisthread1981 · 01/09/2016 16:46

He does recognise his behaviour as being negative, he really does.

But it is far too ingrained in him to change. He has not admitted it but it hangs in the air

OP posts:

Original poster

Changednameforthisthread1981 · 01/09/2016 16:46

I am so grateful for all your perspectives, thank you

OP posts:

adora1 · 01/09/2016 16:46

Jesus, no you are not expecting too much, it's called mutual respect, love and admiration for each other, he treats you with contempt, your children are watching and learning that the little old lady keeps the peace and the man is way more important, not a good lesson to teach your daughter OP, whether you like it or not, this is what she is learning from you both. I also think he's a crap dad to emotionally abuse the mother of his children.

SparklyStarShit · 01/09/2016 16:47

It won't get any better. Get out now whilst kids are still young

Crispsheets · 01/09/2016 16:48

Yes I would and I did.
You are worth more than this.

missyB1 · 01/09/2016 16:48

If he knows what he's doing to the relationship then he has an obligation to address it surely? If he's not prepared to then you simply have to decide if you want to carry on putting up with it all. When the kids are grown and gone what is going to be left for you in this marriage?

Gardenbirds123 · 01/09/2016 16:51

What does he say about his behaviour when you ask him about it?

Original poster

Changednameforthisthread1981 · 01/09/2016 16:54

Garden, he used to be sorry and upset about his behaviour. Now there's almost a defiant "I have improved, but ultimately this is me"

Those of you have done this, did you have happy times or was it unrelentingly bleak? I think that's why I'm hesitating, because there are good times, but as I say, outweighed by remoteness and the odd tizzy fit thrown in.

Yes, that's in. He is very remote. Work is a source of extreme stress. I get that, but he is remote and cold quite often I'm honest. Not all the time, but often

OP posts:

missyB1 · 01/09/2016 16:59

I was married to a sulker who was also capable of being very cold when the mood took him. Yes there were occasional happy times and he liked to spoil me with gifts etc but ultimately the sulking and coldness killed the marriage and I left.

Mojito7 · 01/09/2016 16:59

OP - how does he react when you talk about divorce? Is he actually going to move out and what would his perspective be? You mention you've already done Relate twice. Do you think he has any self- insight?

Original poster

Changednameforthisthread1981 · 01/09/2016 17:00

He thinks it is an enormous mistake. "99.99% about the children". He said to me.

He said that everything I have told him are "valid criticisms". But at NO point he has even hinted that he will change. He did mention "working on our marriage"

He has insight. He knows he is a difficult man.

OP posts:

Crispsheets · 01/09/2016 17:01

I had a lightbulb moment when I realised he was "nice" in front of his friends. But not to me.
He made me on edge, family holidays were awful because he was unpredictable. I told him he was unhinged one day and should get help.

Original poster

Changednameforthisthread1981 · 01/09/2016 17:01

Relate helped, for a bit. But we did it twice and here we are despite that. To be returning yet again and not quite married six years speaks volumes to me

OP posts:

Mojito7 · 01/09/2016 17:02

Sorry cross-post. Remoteness and coldness are a classic sign of stress. My DH gets like this periodically because he doesn't know how to talk about his feelings.

The moods, criticisms, etc are all ways of offloading his own stress and angst into you, without having to verbalise what's actually bothering him.

Gardenbirds123 · 01/09/2016 17:07

Does he know how close you are to calling time on the marriage because of his behaviour?

My DH used to on occasion show similar behaviour and I would just let it go for the easy life and because it didn't bother me too much at the time. But then we had kids and I realised that even if it hadn't / didn't bother me, it was not acceptable because it does affect other people, esp the kids.

So j started to pull him up on it every time he did it. And make jokes to him to show in a funny way show him how rudiculously he was overreacting to the normal issues that pepper life

He has now stopped this behaviour and I have realised that it was muh more of a downer on our relationship than I had appreciated. Life is lots more fun now without worrying when he might get moody. I also now appreciate that because I never said anything about it, i was also partly to blame for it, because letting it slide was unofficially condoning it

Do you think you are past the point where he could change? Maybe instead of telling him off for his moods you could make light of them as I did? I found that much more effective as it gave him insight into his overreactions and also allowed him to break out of the mood, rather than pushing him more into it (as a "telling off" might do)

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