Would you divorce this man?

[Changednameforthisthread1981]

I'm a regular but worried about being found by dh.

I have been married 6 years, 2 children (3&6). I have asked him to move out and I intend on seeking a divorce. But then I find myself questioning myself. I would so appreciated some thoughts. Am I expecting too much?

The positives
My husband is a fundamentally good man.

I trust him absolutely
He is a fantastic provider. Works very hard and is now on a very high income that allows me to be a SAHM and for us to enjoy a very comfortable life
He is a brilliant father. Loves being a father. They adore him

The negatives
He is a very hard man. Unsympathetic if I'm ill or worried about something
He is a critical man. If I do anything 'wrong', he picks me up on it. He will assume that I'm always at fault in any situation with a third party e.g. Messed up dinner reservation? It is because I did something wrong. Taxi running late? I just have cocked up timings.
He gets moody, and they are very stony moods that can go on.

He is quite cold. Used to be lots of affection, but now no 'I love you', no pet names, very limited cuddles. I continue to give this.
He cannot deal with stress and get incredibly uptight. Which is odd, considering he has a highly stressful job. But if the slightest thing goes wrong, he will have a tantrum. Will cancel plans, refuse to do what we'd agreed. Over very small things e.g. He didn't wear a suit jacket to a christening, when he saw all the other men were wearing suit jackets, he stormed off outside the church, leaving me alone with bewildered friends and our children.

So you see it's nothing like the hardship some
Mumsnetters experience, but it does feel like life with him is not a pleasure. We have our good times, and that's what stops me going full throttle, but the good times are outweighed by the bad times. We have done relate, twice, and will not do again.

Would love some thoughts.

Thank you

Exactly mojito, exactly.

How do you cope?
Have you considered leaving?

There is a strong personality slant to it too, as he has always spoken to his parents dreadfully, when he didn't have work stress.

No, the very least you should expect is respect and he is showing you he has none for you, both by blaming your 'ineptitude' for anything which doesn't go to plan and by throwing tantrums which mean you feel you have to walk on eggshells. Unless he recognises those faults in himself and genuinely wants to rectify them with extensive counselling you are indeed on a hiding to nothing. The problem is that the good times you have and the good points about him do not negate or make up for the effects of the bad points, especially when those bad points show complete disrespect for you and demonstrate a damaging example for your DC to learn about how relationships work. I think you're doing the right thing planning to divorce him OP, sorry

Sorry x post. Yes agree with mojito

I don't tell off mojito. When did I say that? I largely let it go, but I feel very flat

Yes I would!

Life is too short to waste it with someone who doesn't properly appreciate and love you. It's only been six years, and you've had enough, and I don't blame you, and his personality is here to stay for the rest of your life. He doesn't want to change and thinks you should put up with him as he is. If you are both keen to put your DCs wellbeing as first priority, you will be able to make it work for them by cooperating with each other over parenting while not being stuck in a relationship with each other.

It is not a good idea to keep this going for the dcs as an example of how to live. What advice would you give to your daughter when she's an adult if she were getting so little out of her marriage?

Yes, indeed, '99% about the dcs ' -and this is not good enough for them! His attitude towards you is not good for your children.

Different as me and my ex werent married, but I was with him 4 years and left him two weeks ago for the same reasons as you are unhappy. He was very miserable, drained the pleasure out of any scenario. Also quite cpntrolling, I felt like a caged bird. But I broke free!!
Life feels so bright again now and I cant believe I let things drag on for so long feeling as ground down as I did. Im excited for the future!!
You can do this op

Yes, LTB. If his regret at divorce is "99.99% about the kids" then the marriage is over IMO.

OP - my DH has a very stressful job too and he never really switches off. I'm also a SAHM to 3 DC.

When he's particularly stressed he will kind of withdraw into himself and puts up this kind of wall as though nobody can communicate with him. It sets an atmosphere in the house obviously. He can also get very picky about minor things - more in general though than aimed at me.

I wait for an appropriate time when the kids aren't in earshot and tell him that his behaviour is making everybody walk on eggshells and that I would rather help him talk things through than be a "dustbin" for his stress. I try and help him to get perspective. He can get very defensive. It often amazes me how out of touch men can be in terms of their emotional state.

I'm also the kind of person who is generally quite calm and can't get worked up easily. As he gets stressed, I tend to go the other way to compensate, if that makes sense, but I think this can sometimes make him feel as if I don't care.

DH's are very good at projecting their frustrations into you. The way he's making you feel is a clue to his own angst, as I say, but you're not his therapist or his emotional punchbag.

My DH will alter his behaviour when I point it out to him and he's not malicious in any way. Do you think there's any way through for you?

To add as well that like yours my ex was a fundamentally good person, generous and trustworthy and kind hearted but it wasnt enough. There didn't seem to be any joy in his heart and I couldnt live with it anymore. You want to enjoy your life! Not be dragged down by negativity. Good luck x

Desperate to reply more fully but got to get cracking with the children. Will be back this evening. So much food for thought.

Mojito, aside from work stress, is your husband supportive, affectionate and loving to you?

OP - Yes, but we have to make a real effort to prioritise our relationship - eg. go out for dinner just the two of us, etc, otherwise things can tend to spiral.

So the good points are "trustworthy and a good provider".

When all your husband adds to your life would be served just as well by receiving his pension, its basically done. Being a partner requires more than just being a reliable pay-cheque.

Storm, that is simply not true.

I am almost certainly going to go ahead with a divorce but I am very frightened about the consequences. So I need to be brutally honest with myself, and that includes recognising his good traits, of which there are quite a few. He is a good, loving, endlessly patient father. He is very generous. I really do trust him implicitly. However the negatives are strong and hardening as we go on.

Mojito, somehow I don't think the odd night out is enough. It used to be but it's more serious and fundamental than that. He is a very formal, remote man. There is a playful affectionate loving side to him, but that is saved entirely for the children. I used to get a good share but as he gets older, work becomes more stressful, his softness towards me is hardening. And I'm scared for the future

He sounds very difficult to live with but also I wouldn't like to be him. Do you think he has low self confidence? The incident with the jacket seems to indicate this or was his response more to do with anger? Did his capacity for handling stress at home change significantly with a more stressful job? It is good that he has got insight but to address this understanding of his behaviour he needs to put in the work on changing himself, getting to the root of his triggers, his issues and understand better how he has got to a situation where he responds regularly in this way and importantly really really get an insight into the impact of his behaviour on those around him. Best wishes.

I wouldn't care how stressed my partner got, it's never OK to take your moods or negative feelings out on anyone, and nobody should have to remodel the way they are to fit in, it's not all men either!

So what, he works, he provides, they are his children no, it still means nothing if you are not a team with mutual respect and yes adoration for each other, even after years of marriage.

Tava that is so insightful.

I do feel for him, I really do. He is so uptight, about so much. Had a dreadful time of it as a teenager. His confidence is much much better than it was but there's no doubt he has suffered and continues to be a fairly complex damaged individual

Some people are just quite negative by nature. I think he's saying that this is him. Which is fine if you can handle it - but it does mean that's going to be it, forever, even when you're both old.

It's whether you want to live with that or not.

Yes. Don't be my mother who has been married to my father who sounds just like your H for 50 years

To enable her to achieve that she has been on tranquillisers and anti depressants for decades

Now there is just she and him in their own bitter little world. He drove away their friends and their children.

I live only a few miles away and I have mnimal contact with her and none with him

He ruined my childhood by spoiling every nice occasion with his publicly embarrassing tantrums and scathing disrespect for my mother. I never had friends round the house, I was ashamed of him

I told my mother a few years ago why I did not visit. She just shrugged and said " I have always loved him". Yes you did, over and above the emotional health of your own children

Now their health is failing and no one wants to know

Don't be that woman

Stop feeling sorry for him OP and feel sorry for you and your kids having to tip toe around him, if he's that damaged he should not be with anyone.

AF, that is very upsetting, what a profoundly negative childhood.

That is an extreme version of my situation. It is a version, no doubt about that, but it is an extreme version. My husband is a very popular man, funny, kind, interesting, generous. Loves socialising. Always has been, always will be. His coldness, remoteness and the odd tantrum is very much limited to me and his parents.

Bertie, I think you've hit the nail on the head. His nature is negative. So when out socialising, that's not really apparent, but on a day to day basis, it's very present.

The children so no have to tip toe around him.

Let's be clear, I have very serious issues with my husband and I'm not happy with him. However, there's no good to be had from over blowing the already sad and negative situation. He is a good father, there is no question about that.

If he can be patient and affectionate with the kids, then he is making a choice not to be like that with you.

The children "do not" have to tip toe around him

Did he blame you for him not wearing the right christening clothes?

Changedname - sorry you're going through this.

I think dealing with a partner's stress on a regular basis is one thing, but if he's being blatantly disrespectful towards you, then that's something else.

This may sound a bit irrelevant under the circumstances, but does he do any hobbies or stuff to help him unwind / feel good about himself? If you don't like yourself or feel like you've got any "inner life", it can be hard to make your partner feel loved.

My DH runs vsrious companies and I think he would have the potential to be a total stress nightmare at home. He will NEVER admit to stress or distress of any kind - even when his father died he flew out on a business trip the evening after the funeral. The saving grace has been that he does boxing, rugby and god knows what else every week and he seems to stay sane. People say to me that he's taking the piss with the amount of stuff he does, but tbh I literally push him out the door because thst's what works for him to get things out of his system. He's always very loving and affectionate at home. His brother is very similar to him, minus the sports, but he had a breakdown a few years ago, so I'm wary of this kind of thing.

Just a thought, but I do think living with stress is different to living with emotional abuse. I hope you're able to get some clarity.