Would you divorce this man?

[Changednameforthisthread1981]

I'm a regular but worried about being found by dh.

I have been married 6 years, 2 children (3&6). I have asked him to move out and I intend on seeking a divorce. But then I find myself questioning myself. I would so appreciated some thoughts. Am I expecting too much?

The positives
My husband is a fundamentally good man.

I trust him absolutely
He is a fantastic provider. Works very hard and is now on a very high income that allows me to be a SAHM and for us to enjoy a very comfortable life
He is a brilliant father. Loves being a father. They adore him

The negatives
He is a very hard man. Unsympathetic if I'm ill or worried about something
He is a critical man. If I do anything 'wrong', he picks me up on it. He will assume that I'm always at fault in any situation with a third party e.g. Messed up dinner reservation? It is because I did something wrong. Taxi running late? I just have cocked up timings.
He gets moody, and they are very stony moods that can go on.

He is quite cold. Used to be lots of affection, but now no 'I love you', no pet names, very limited cuddles. I continue to give this.
He cannot deal with stress and get incredibly uptight. Which is odd, considering he has a highly stressful job. But if the slightest thing goes wrong, he will have a tantrum. Will cancel plans, refuse to do what we'd agreed. Over very small things e.g. He didn't wear a suit jacket to a christening, when he saw all the other men were wearing suit jackets, he stormed off outside the church, leaving me alone with bewildered friends and our children.

So you see it's nothing like the hardship some
Mumsnetters experience, but it does feel like life with him is not a pleasure. We have our good times, and that's what stops me going full throttle, but the good times are outweighed by the bad times. We have done relate, twice, and will not do again.

Would love some thoughts.

Thank you

Your description sounds just like my dh except for the brilliant father bit. We are separated now, it is hard but not as hard as living with him was...
you could try couples therapy but we did and it was awful
hope you work something out

Sounds so like my stbxh (obviously not exactly the same but enough).

The bit about the way he treats his parents is exactly like my stbxh. Made my blood run cold reading that because its exactly the warning sign I should have read too.

This sounds difficult for you. I think it's mainly how you feel about spending your life with him. Do you still want yo be with him? Are you still in love with him? If not then things won't get any better, if so then maybe couples therapy or therapy for him to attend alone. I feel for you.

"Why does almost everyone here give "divorce him" as default answer?"
Two reasons.

1. This six-year marriage has involved going to Relate twice already. Which means attempts have been made to solve their problems, and these attempts have been unsuccessful. 'Third time lucky' does not apply to such a situation.

1. There are children involved. Their welfare trumps their parents', and being brought up in such a household is detrimental to their ability to form happy relationships/marriages in later life. You don't fuck over your children, which is what continuing in this marriage will do.

Sounds very much like my dad. As a child we were all walking on egg shells around him and still are. I agree with others who have said that it does affect your children. They are learning every day that he doesn't respect you.

I'm with allegretto. My dad could be a sulky, childish, emotionally abusive arsehole and I spent a great deal of my formative years in a state of burning hatred towards him.

We found out last year that he has a fatal neurological disease that absolutely undoubtedly was the cause of a lot of his nasty behaviour, but a lot of it was just the person he is. I had a lot of psychotherapy in order to deal with the repercussions of his attitude towards me growing up - I always ended up in relationships with men just like him.

Your DC may well normalise your situation, and end up in similar relationships in the future. Believe me, this marriage needs to end - it's not doing you or the DC any good. Your self esteem must be through the floor

I find that the posts telling me how awful their childhood was and how unhappy their mother was just doesn't ring true to my situation at all and rather then encouraging me to leave my husband, they actually make me nervous about what I'm doing because they seem to serious as simpered to my situation. And I know that a hefty chunk of mumsnet will presume I'm in denial. But I'm not.

I have asked my husband to move out. I am going to a solicitor next Friday. My marriage is ending, but that doesn't mean the marriage was an unmitigated disaster,nor does it mean my husband is an arse hole, nor does it mean he is bad father and that we all walked on eggshells. He is a good man with issues and occasionally very poor behaviour and unfortunately it has chipped away at me and I can't face a lifetime with a man who has behavioural issues and who has a tendency to be remote and quite cold some of the time.

Thank you for your perspectives, especially those that have really considered the nuances of my situation, I really appreciate it

It appears you already made your mind up but need affirmation.

I hope you both can go through this amicably and I hope the kids don't suffer as a consequence.

I think you'll see him morph into a different man in the coming months and you'll realise he can actually overcome these "issues".

User, "coming months".

What, after ten years of behaving like this? Two periods of couples counselling, one period of individual counselling.

I'm not sure of much in life, but I am sure you're wrong

Changed - I think the fact that you're still able to list and appreciate your DH's good points, is a testament to you. It also shows that your decision to ask him to leave is based on balanced judgement and integrity. It will also make the task of co- parenting much easier, I'm sure and the situation less stressful for your child if you can continue to have respect each other.
I wish you all the best

Did he blame you for him not wearing the right christening clothes?
He probably did blame OP for net letting him know about precise dress code!

Op, I admire your strength and insight.Having appreciation of your h's good traits will help you to heal and coparent well.

I am in a similar situation although my husband does not show any insight/responsibility at all.We have had lots of counselling over the 15years (with limited progress) and interested to see that others view this as a red flag.When you are in a relationship like this it's hard to see the wood for the trees.I don't feel my husband has my back, he's neutral at best. Its difficult to see his behaviour as I can't compare it to anything else.

I might be further down the line as my husband is so patient and kind to the children but critical of me.The impact it has on the children is that it lowers their respect for me which only becomes visible when they are older." Dad is lovely so if angry with mum there must be something she is doing".I suspect their thinking will only be reversed in adulthood.Also if you are out of the way he might start venting at them.

Like you I am seeing a solicitor next week.Good Luck

OP, your situation is so similar to that of my BFF that I had to do a double take to be sure it wasn't her. It isn't. Her story is further down the line and ends a little differently.

So her high achieving, popular dh was very inflexible, always right, prone to long sulks and was quite shockingly rude to his parents. Good with the DC but not in a very helpful way so she did pretty much everything. Also a bit tight with cash TBH.

The first thing that changed was when their ds was diagnosed with Aspergers. Suddenly she saw that her dh almost certainly has the same. He has adapted life extremely well to cope but fundamentally he struggles and when he is home he is able to release his tensions by 'letting it out'.

She got the confidence to say, no. You will not treat me this way and you absolutely will never speak to your parents that way. She very seriously considered leaving him and their marriage was in crisis.

He listened and changed. He still can slip into old habits but is so, so much better. Her putting her foot down and asserting herself so definitely made him see he needed to shape up or she meant business. Now, after 25 years of marriage they are probably happier than they have ever been. Not perfect, who is? But good.

I hope this gives you some small hope that there is ability to change if that person wants to change but that is the crux of it.

OP, so much of your original post resonates with me. I was married to someone like this for ten years and like you, I felt that my situation wasn't as bad as others' had it, and I was being unfair for thinking about leaving the marriage purely because I didn't like the way his treatment made me feel. It felt like this wasn't a good enough reason. But I did leave, when my dc were almost identical ages to what yours are now, and it's only looking back now that I can see the true effect that it had on me. For all the pain of the divorce, leaving him remains the best decision that I have ever made for myself and my children. It was only by breaking free of the negativity within our relationship that I could really see how it had affected me. By the time I left I was physically and mentally exhausted. I had spent so long trying to anticipate his behaviour and find a way to make sense of it, that I totally lost myself in the process, along with any sense of what I had a right to expect from my marriage.

I can only go from my own experience here, but if this is what you have been living with throughout six years of marriage, you have every right to expect and demand far more more yourself and your children.

for yourself

I think you'll see him morph into a different man in the coming months and you'll realise he can actually overcome these "issues"
Yy
My ex is someone I could quite like now maybe because I'm not there every day for him to use as a metaphorical punch bag when he's feeling stressed, we now get on & I don't see that side of him anymore.
He's still a total twat imo but someone else can deal with that ugly side to him

Luckyduck, how did your children fare? How was your ex as a father? I am so concerned about my children. He really is such a devoted father.

Thank you for the kind words from some of you

"Kind words from some of you"

"Those of you that have really considered the nuances of my situation"

Some of the replies have really got under your skin, haven't they ? I am glad you are ending your marriage. Whatever conclusion you arrived at to get to that point is your own business

But you opened up your relationship to honest scrutiny and you got it.

Your husband is not a "devoted father". He is nice when things go his way. Those are two very different scenarios. You can dismiss my comments (again) as not relevant but when your kids grow up and look back they will agree with me.

All the best

They were upset initially, but they are thriving. My oldest dc tells me that he remembers that dad wasn't very nice to me and he's glad that he doesn't get to do that to me any more - that was tough to hear but reinforced to me that I'd made the right decision. Even of you think the dc have no idea that there is a problem, they really do, even if they're not sure what that problem is. For me, the atmosphere in the home was toxic and getting the dc out of that became more important than anything else. They're now happy, relaxed and living in a positive environment, which can only be a good thing.

I wish you all the best with your own situation, it sounds like you are making a strong, well-considered and positive choice for you and your children.

Two things I was going to suggest have already been touched upon
1- resentment- mainly screams this to me, I wonder what he resents you for?
2- potential Aspergers for the same reasons the poster laid out
I wondered as I have a similar situation and dh is a great dad etc too so I know how you feel however ours has/ is being worked through which I won't bore you with!x

I know this post is now a couple of years old but I'm intrigued to know the outcome? Did you leave? I'm in a similar situation. Just one son who is nearly 3. The negativity that this relationship creates is overwhelming. I have no choice but to leave. Finalised tonight by him putting his hand around my neck (throttling me) and telling me that our house is his house and he can kick me out if he likes. Arsehole. I hope you're situation has improved. Hanging on to positive outcomes post divorce.

@Lady82. Please start a new thread with my partner throttled me. I think I know what sort of response you will get! Run. Run for your life.

I just read the whole thread - intrigued to know the outcome too!