Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Struggling to accept this is abuse...

92 replies

Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 11:02

I have recently separated from dh (have another thread on here). Brief summary-I have never worked during our marriage. Have 3 dcs and he has a demanding job working 13 hours a day mon-Fri. Money has been a huge issue in our relationship. Dh earns what I think is a good wage £45k but we are in a large amount of debt. Dh has never allowed me access to his bank account. I get the cb for the dcs and in the past couple of years he also gave me £20 a week(cash)
I have been told by many people that what dh has done by not giving me access to family money is financial abuse. I have an appointment with Women's aid tomorrow but am struggling with going. In the interest of disclosure-about 3 years ago I finally had enough of dh denying me money and used his credit card (clothes for myself,dcs and some stuff for house-problem about £1500) I know this was really wrong but it was symptomatic of the problems in our marriage
Should I go to Women's aid or am I being daft and wasting their time?

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2016 11:13

You should go to Womens Aid and let them help you. You will not be wasting their time.

I would remain separated from your H with a view to divorcing him.

I would also think he has abused you in other ways as well; financial abuse can be a forerunner to emotional and physical abuse too.

Being only given CB and £20 weekly (that is not going to go at all far between you and these children) is demeaning; you're basically being given a pittance of an allowance. He denying you access to the bank account is financially abusive behaviour on his part. You did that spend on his card three years ago purely and simply because you needed to do that.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/09/2016 11:22

And sod feeling guilty about taking that money as well; this man has put you and in turn your children through hell and high water. You think he feels guilty; not a bit of it. He feels entitled to treat you like this and does not think he has done anything wrong here. I would think that his parents are of a similar nature too, you will not be able to rely on them going forward.

He will not let go of you at all easily, abusive men really do not like to let go of their intended victims but you can and will hopefully be free of him one day.

Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 11:32

Dh believes he is the victim because he has been the sole earner for the past 15 years and that I financially abused him by using his credit card without permission. I am nc with his parents now and apparently his dad never wants to speak to me again😏 His parents support him in the view that I am a lazy good for nothing. Apparently all our marriage problems would be solved by me getting a job and bringing £700 a month home.

OP posts:
RockinHippy · 01/09/2016 11:44

Your DH is an arse & there is a high probability that his version of what his parents think of you is either fabricated to use on you as emotional abuse, or he has been feeding them poison to support his cause - this is what abusers do - don't fall for it & do go to WA - good luck

amybear100 · 01/09/2016 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

nicenewdusters · 01/09/2016 11:48

Financial abuse with bells on I'd say.

So whilst he's been down the coal mine for 22 hours a day, what does he think you've been doing ? Facials, lunching, manicures ? Oh no, looking after your children, that presumably you agreed to bring into this world together ? Could he have done his present job and brought up 3 children if you weren't around ? No. He'd have to have paid somebody, and it would have cost 100% more than he's been paying you.

You could also ask him if he would have been working if he hadn't have had a wife and/or children ? You haven't sent him out to work to support you, he's a consenting adult who's chosen what to do with his life and his money.

My jaw dropped when I saw he gave you £20 a week. Some kids get that in pocket money. Personally I'm surprised you haven't resorted to using his card before. Did you have to ask him for money to buy his christmas and birthday presents ?

I think your marriage problems would be solved by getting rid of him, not necessarily a job !! Sounds like n c with the parents (who presumably have passed on their lovely world views to their son) is a blessing.

Definitely speak to Women's Aid. Staying with him any longer will be the only waste of your time.

Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 11:51

I know what you are saying is correct but I still feel a huge amount of guilt. My dcs are school age now so perhaps I should have got a job? But I wouldn't have a clue where to start after all this time. I am not arsed about what his parents think of me-they do not bother with our dcs and have never offered to help with childcare during all the time they have slated me for not working.
Did spend too much money on clothes as well but it was linked to my unhappiness. Marriage guidance counselor seemed to focus on this though rather than my dh not giving me cash which makes me question myself all over again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 11:54

I have already acknowledged that using my dh cc was wrong amy bear but I was in a very bad place at that time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 11:58

Dh is adamant that our debt is down to household costs,bills etc but I believe he is also bad with money. He has also had issues with alcohol in the past.

OP posts:
SpuriouserAndSpuriouser · 01/09/2016 11:58

Ignore amybear OP. People do desperate things when they are in difficult situations, and it sounds like you were in a very difficult situation.

Please go to your woman's aid appointment OP, and take their advice Flowers

loobyloo1234 · 01/09/2016 11:59

Is there a reason that you can't get a job OP? At least to have some independence?

THirdEeye · 01/09/2016 12:02

amybear Hmm

Op ignore what amybear said, you have been financially abused and the WA will be great at advising you.

Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 12:02

I cannot get a job looby lou because I have no real work experience. Had a couple of admin jobs before I had dcs and thats it. I do a lot of voluntary work at dcs school and with a paygroup. I also cannot drive which puts me at a disadvantage. Also dh refused to discuss childcare arrangements or how we would pay for this. He always just said his parents would watch the dcs but Mil told me she won't!

OP posts:
Runoutoftime16 · 01/09/2016 12:03

Sorry to hijack your thread But I find this question hugely interesting 'who is exploiting who'. I talk as someone who was a SAHM and is now working.

It's horrible that the husband had so much control. But at the same time 'just going to work' should not be quickly dismissed either. The mental and physical toll of a demanding job and working long hours can be huge. I have also heard men saying they would also like to be home with their children.

Maybe you could suggest he cuts down his hours and you job share with the children. Or you go back to work and get a cleaner and a nanny (because you will need it if that happens. Best of luck with it.

Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 12:05

My dh cannot cut down his hours or job share in his career. Also we are in debt so could not afford a cleaner or a nanny. Believe me if I got a job dh would still expect me to sort out holiday cover, inset days,sickness days and do all the housework.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/09/2016 12:06

It seems the problems in your marriage were more than about money.

I think giving you just £20 a week wasn't enough, but I also think you should have got a job.

Were you planning on staying at home for the duration of your marriage?

I am of the view that whoever is the sole earner has too much control and I never want to be financially dependant on a man. Like so many, if he upped and left in 10 years time, you'd be in a bad place.

It's fine to be home when the kids are pre school, but once they've started school, then at least look into part time work.

Otherwise it's like you go from being dependant on your parents, then possible a few years work, to being dependant on a man.

I couldn't go through life always depending on another person.

Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 12:07

Even if I went back to work how could we afford help after I pay for childcare costs? Which I know dh would expect me to pay. Realistically if dh really wanted to get me back into work place he would pay for me to retrain but he refuses to do this.

OP posts:
Runoutoftime16 · 01/09/2016 12:09

Yes but if you were working you would be in a better position to leave him if you wanted to and build on your future Smile.

dietborebingo · 01/09/2016 12:10

With a wage of £45, his take home pay after tax and national insurance is £2,797.23. He gives you an average of £86.66 a month (there being more than 4 weeks in most months). This is the equivalent of 3.09% of his salary for you and your children.

It leaves him £2710.56 per month for bills and whatever he fancies.

I would say that's abuse.

Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 12:10

Actually Sandy I am going to be in a far better position financially without dh. Benefits and tax credits plus maintenence and half the proceeds of our house-which will be a pittance as it is a complete dump as dh refused point blank to ever fix/replace anything because"you don't have a job"

OP posts:
nicenewdusters · 01/09/2016 12:14

I think several issues are being conflated here. Is the problem for him that you (as a couple) are in debt because you don't work ? I can't see how you've got the family into debt as you don't have access to the bank account. Surely that is down to him.

Or does he merely resent you being at home while he works, whether you are in debt or not ?

Access to the bank account is a whole other issue. Being a SAHM shouldn't preclude you from having a joint and/or separate account. This is about control, not money.

Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 12:14

I think you have worked that out incorrectly diet bore? I think dh take home pay is something like £33 grand after tax? He has actually only started giving me £20 a week in the past 2 years (after a previous bust up over his refusal to share financial info) prior to this I only had the cb which I used to pay for my clothes,toiletries, kids clothes,school dinner money,top up shops,kids activities,parties etc.

OP posts:
hippydippybaloney · 01/09/2016 12:17

Sounds like the only way from here for you is up OP! I'm sorry you've been through this - good luck with your fresh start, it sounds like the best thing for you.

SandyY2K · 01/09/2016 12:17

was symptomatic of the problems in our marriage

Be careful saying this^^^ . That's a common excuse used by people who have affairs. It's not justifiable for them and it isn't for you in this situation.

always just said his parents would watch the dcs but Mil told me she won't!

So have you told him that his mum has said this? Because you need to.

Start looking for a job in school hours know it's not easy to come by. Also if you're DCs are all in school, you'd need morning and after school care. It's not full time care.

You can apply for Admin jobs or jobs working with children, using the voluntary experience in the school on your application.

Or you can also look into free courses designed to get people back into work. Ideally a term time job would be good for you. Saving on childcare in the holidays.

Would you like to be a TA? teaching assistant.

No matter what it it, depending on a man (who isn't willing) for your every financial need isn't a great idea.

Original poster
Vintagegirl1 · 01/09/2016 12:18

To answer your question nicenew-both. He hugely resents my not working (as he sees it) but also blames the debt on only having one household income. Debt is about £25 grand,credit card and loans. I don't understand how the debt spiralled so much as our mortgage is small (200) and we have never had lavish holidays or spent money on the house. House has not been redecorated in all the 15 years we have lived here.

OP posts: