Struggling to accept this is abuse...

[Vintagegirl1]

I have recently separated from dh (have another thread on here). Brief summary-I have never worked during our marriage. Have 3 dcs and he has a demanding job working 13 hours a day mon-Fri. Money has been a huge issue in our relationship. Dh earns what I think is a good wage £45k but we are in a large amount of debt. Dh has never allowed me access to his bank account. I get the cb for the dcs and in the past couple of years he also gave me £20 a week(cash)
I have been told by many people that what dh has done by not giving me access to family money is financial abuse. I have an appointment with Women's aid tomorrow but am struggling with going. In the interest of disclosure-about 3 years ago I finally had enough of dh denying me money and used his credit card (clothes for myself,dcs and some stuff for house-problem about £1500) I know this was really wrong but it was symptomatic of the problems in our marriage
Should I go to Women's aid or am I being daft and wasting their time?

Self employed as a domestic cleaner is a great way back into work. No training needed, very little over heads, just need personal liability insurance (about £80 per year). You can get references from your voluntary work. Once you get a couple of jobs (advertise in local shops/supermarkets/village website, mention to friends and neighbours you're starting up) the rest come via personal recommendations. You can work school hours. Register as self-employed, you'll most likely earn under the tax threshold, tax return is dead easy.

Or the local school meals services (dinner ladies in old money !) are often looking for staff. Term time and school hours - win/win.

Shops are really flexible to work for they have a running timetable where they fit in the hours you can do on which weeks, that's why students often do it. They will also take on almost anybody.

The numbers just don't stack up, as others have said. £2700 a month income, £200 mortgage and let's just say another £1000 for everything else. That leaves £1500 a month disposable income. This money can't just disappear into thin air. It's going somewhere.

Being financially independent is critical but by the same token, you HAVE been working for the last however many years, raising your joint children. I'm afraid to say that your OH is an arse.

Shops around here are closing down Runoutoftime not employing people. Although there is a large new development coming to our town centre which I could look into. Am also going to apply to Boots/ m&s etc for one of there xmas jobs.

Really sorry to read this, Vintage.

He is an arse and you will be better off without being tied closely to his finances. Once you are separated you can look at other lines of support to get you on a path to financial security: you know he won't support you. There are lots of ways couples support each other to have dual incomes, around here when one parent has a regular weekday job, the other one often does care work or retail on weekends and overnight. He hasn't helped you & you know he never will.

I think the money does add up. Mortgage, council tax, water, electric, insurance, food, extra stuff, petrol, car repairs, school trips, and it goes on and on ...

Although I think your DH sounds like an ass, an is quite possible financially abusive, I also think you need to take a little responsibility.

Presumably you know roughly how much the 'new' cars cost? You knew you didn't have cash for them so you knew they were bought with a loan. You knew the boiler was also paid with a loan. So j can see how you get to £25k worth of debt. But there are different types of debt. It isn't unusual to have car loans. At one point we had two car loans that totted up to about £20k but we take home twice your wage so we knew it was doable. One of those loans is now gone but we have a few things on 0% finance as we just didn't have the cash due to new house purchase. Again, this is debt but not debt because we can't control our spending. Anyway, I think you are living outside your means. Next time he suggests a take away or a meal out, you should be saying, hang on, can we afford that? Actively asking what the disposable income is after all bills. You should have a rough idea anyway.

Next, get a job. Lots of jobs don't require experience and if you have been volunteering then you do have things to put on your Cv. Sounds like you are just making excuses to be honest. In earn good money now but I have worked in chicken factories and a coleslaw factory, bars and restaurants. Ou don't need full time childcare. Just wraparound for school and maybe a childminder for an hour or so. It is doable.

I don't mean to sound harsh.

The numbers (as far as I know them are) are mortgage £197,council tax £120. Debt £1000. Virgin media-£80. Food-£75 a week. Gas/electric are paid quarterly and are usually £300.

I do tell dh we can't afford take aways/meals out but he is adamant he works hard and deserves a treat. We also started shopping in aldi (which he hates) at my instigation which reduced our weekly shopping bill by about £40.

Agree with PP, bills add up. Council tax £200, gas and electric , £70 (a lot more in winter) Internet £30. (Maybe you have a sky package aswell - another £40) two mobile phone bills -£80, house insurance £20 per month, car insurance £70 -£80 per month. Then the repayment of loans and credit cards and you have probably already spent about £1500 -1700 and bat doesn't include good or fuel or mortgage or anything else. It goes really quicklu so I can see why there isn't much money left. I don't think or family earn enough for him to be transferring several hundred to you every month.

Send him out on his own then, and cook for you and the kids.

1700 a month leaves £1000. We spend £300 a month on food. Dh gets a fuel allowance from work,a mobile and an ipad. I have a 10 year old pay mobile.

Ok MGFM...

I have never said anywhere in my posts that I expect my dh to give me £££ a month. For 13 years he gave me nothing from "his" wages so maybe I should be grateful for £20? What I want is for dh to stop berating me for not being involved in family finances while at the same time refusing to give me access to said finances.

Mortgage is in his name only (at his insistence ) as are all loans/debts. Our outgoings are roughly-
Mortgage-197
Council tax-120
Sky-80
Gas/electric-£300 per quarter
Loans/credit card-£1000
Insurance-£40
Food-£300 a month
Dcs activities-£100 per month
Petrol-£50 per week but dh claims this back.

He sounds like an arse and he should allow you access to 'his' bank account.

Maybe get a job though? If your kids are at school there's no reason why you shouldn't contribute to the household. Once you do then I'm sure you'll have perfectly good reason to get a shared account (you should have access anyway, but it sounds like you need something to argue with, and contributing would do that.

Also, don't use being unhappy as an excuse for taking money. That's what people who have affairs say.

That still leaves c£600 a month adrift.

It's hard for the OP to try and take any responsibility for or active part in the household finances when he's actively stopping her, as it's "his" money.

I don't read this as the OP being carefree about spending. If my partner had ground me down into feeling like a worthless bit player in our family, I probably wouldn't be taking too much interest.

Joint counselling is NEVER EVER recommended in an abusive relationship.
Which is what your relationship is.
As you've already found out, he will character assassinate you and then use anything said against you as a stick to beat you with.
Please stop this right now!
If you have to go back then advise the counsellor that you are being emotionally and financially abused and you have Womens Aid backing to prove this.
Ensure you go to Womens Aid appointment.
Any decent counsellor will immediately terminate joint sessions.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
Is there a pub or a coffee shop in town?
Could you do some lunchtime cover there?

I'm not trying to put pressure on the op for not taking more interest or responsibility. I'm just pointing out the inequality of this situation and that there is spare money that isn't accounted for.

Financially abusive men often actively try and stop their chosen victim from working and will put up barriers into doing so.

Please keep that appointment with WA tomorrow Vintage and stop any joint counselling sessions. Your man is simply using those as a stick to further beat you with. Counsellors as well can be manipulated also and you certainly have been manipulated by him into feeling guilty.

I really think you would be significantly better off on your own.

You should also contact CAB or a similar agency who can help advise on your liability for his debts. You're married, right?

Sorry Vintage - didn't mean to sound abrupt re the college courses.
However if memory serves me correctly, there is funding available for this - Single Parent college funding. That along with working part time in a shop etc may give you the independence you need. Will also be middle finger up to him as it shows you can stand on your own two feet - with or without his help

Mortgage is in his name only (at his insistence)

Was the house bought when you were married?

If so this should have been a red flag to you. Him insisting the house is in his name only, was already pushing you out of the finances.

You have a lot of reasons for not being able to get a job. I work in HR and have seen women come back to work after many years of being a SAHM.

What strikes me as an issue, is you don't see a need to work and you've not had any intention to work for the rest of your life. It seems you only started looking when he complained.

I don't know if you have daughters, but one of the reasons I wanted to work, was to show them a woman's place is not at home.

Could you do an evening job when he's home? Like waitressing or bar work. Or weekend work maybe.

There are a few jobs that don't need qualifications, but a willingness to learn and initiative are helpful.

When you're looking at jobs, think of what transferable skills you have. So you help out in the school, use that to demonstrate how you are adaptable and can adjust your communication to a range of individuals.

Then you can also show your organisational skills, by using examples around the house or again with the school.

What sort of help are you providing at school? Is it reading?

Maybe you can ask about helping out in the office to gain some Admin experience as well.

You'll feel a lot better earning your own money.

I can understand your DH being resentful towards you solely relying on him financially. The question is when did he start to make demands about you getting a job?
Did you both agree from the start that that's how it will be and you will be SAHM forever or was it temporary arrangement that went into 15 year long one? If the latter then it's your own fault! You should have thought about getting a job couple of years down the line and now it's harder with huge gap in employment.
I can almost believe that debt is accumulated due to household expenses only and if that's the case then why does he refuseto show cc statements and charges?
In order for this relationship to work he needs to be completely honest with you about the debt and need to help you to get training /education so you start earning and contributing.
Also youreldest is 13 and from next year should be able to pick up kids from school so childcare should be easier. Eldest might not be happy about it but if family is about to split up, any reasonable teenager should understand and do as much as they can to help.