Struggling to accept this is abuse...

[Vintagegirl1]

I have recently separated from dh (have another thread on here). Brief summary-I have never worked during our marriage. Have 3 dcs and he has a demanding job working 13 hours a day mon-Fri. Money has been a huge issue in our relationship. Dh earns what I think is a good wage £45k but we are in a large amount of debt. Dh has never allowed me access to his bank account. I get the cb for the dcs and in the past couple of years he also gave me £20 a week(cash)
I have been told by many people that what dh has done by not giving me access to family money is financial abuse. I have an appointment with Women's aid tomorrow but am struggling with going. In the interest of disclosure-about 3 years ago I finally had enough of dh denying me money and used his credit card (clothes for myself,dcs and some stuff for house-problem about £1500) I know this was really wrong but it was symptomatic of the problems in our marriage
Should I go to Women's aid or am I being daft and wasting their time?

I don't think that's completely fair sandy. I've been a sahm for 8 years and have no plans to go back to work anytime soon.
My dh works very long hours and is often away during the week. We would have to pay a lot in childcare and I'd also be the one left to do 90% of the sickness cover, inset day cover, school holiday cover etc. As dh is usually at least an hour away. I enjoy being a stay at home mum, and I guess my dh appreciates the financial contribution I make via childcare we don't have to pay. He also understands with my massive gap in employment (and it's not getting smaller as we are now expecting dc4) its going to be hard getting a job when the kids are old enough and he doesn't expect me to.
Sometimes being a sahm is the cheapest option all round, it sounds like the ops dh doesn't understand she stays home so he can work and doesn't appreciate her sacrifice in doing so.

Is that to me runoutoftime?

If he gives you the last 24 months of bank statements and card statements so you can work out where the money has gone and how to cut back, then there is hope.

Tbh, I'm struggling to work out how you convince yourself that this is NOT abuse.

Speaking to Women's Aid is a very good idea.

For 13 years he gave me nothing from "his" wages so maybe I should be grateful for £20?

I hope that was said ironically.

Marriage... you know, the "what's yours is mine & what's mine is yours" institution? There are usually words to this effect in most marriage vows. I'm not a fan... but point is, that's the point of marriage, if you bother to do marriage at all. There is no hers and his when it comes to household finances. Or wrt much else in married life.

I guess I don't like the word 'abuse' because it implies OP is a mere victim & no marriage is that simple, plus who wants the identity of 'victim'?. However, he's an arse. That wasn't a marriage, it was a sham excuse for a marriage. He sounds like a bully with no willingness to change.

No one should be transferring money to anyone in a relationship, if you live together and have children together why does money belong to one person more than another? If one person chooses to stay at home to take care of childcare etc then presumably that is a joint decision and whoever is the earner accepts that all money is shared equally for the good of the family. If the main earner cannot support the family financially on their own then the other must work but both have to take responsibility for childcare costs, time taken off sick etc. I cannot believe that anyone should have to accept that child benefit and £20 a week is a reasonable amount to have access to. The OP should have as much access to the family money as her partner. Red flags here: £1000 per month on credit card bills and his insistence on being the sole holder of the mortgage. I think he has debts that you probably know nothing about OP. You are being financially abused and should certainly get in touch with womens aid.

Update-I had my appointment with Women's aid this morning. They were lovely and told me that this IS financial abuse and that I need to stop feeling guilty. They are going to give me a support worker to help me to work on my feelings and confidence. I am still doubting myself hugely though.
To the poster who referenced my daughter-I hope to teach all my children that choosing to do caring or voluntary work is a worth while thing to do and that paid employment is not solely the be all and end all. I thought feminism meant that women had choices? If my daughter or sons for that matter chose to stay at home to raise their dcs I would be supportive of this.

I am glad your appointment went well OP, and I am sorry that some of the posts on here have been a bit... unhelpful.

I really hope that the support worker can help you get some confidence back. Please don't doubt yourself, you have taken the first, really difficult, step of realising that you have been abused and by going to the appointment you have done something about it. That takes a lot of strength.

Good luck going forward OP

Hi thank you for all the supportive posts. I have been really tearful and anxious sll day but I guess this is part of a normal reaction.

I'm so glad you went to the appointment, OP!

You are not just a victim of financial abuse, but emotional abuse too. All victims of Domestic Abuse are.

They take you and theychange you. They take away your confidence, your happiness, your well being, your self of self, your self esteem. They make you feel guilty, they make you feel stupid, selfish, lazy, demanding. They make you wonder if you are in fact the abuser. I think that you will deal with the effects of the financial abuse well and fairly quickly, but I urge you to ask WA to help you with the emotional abuse. It leaves no bruises but its effects can last for years and years.

Take care

As an aside, I feel that all victims of domestic abuse should be categorised as suffering from emotional abuse and their abusers treated accordingly. So a man convicted of violence towards his partner should also be found guilty of emotional abuse as a matter of course.

sense of self...

Well done OP.
It's such a lot to take in.
Give it some time.
Take all the help you can.
You'll get to your end goal soon enough.

I have really struggled this weekend😢 felt incredibly shaky and anxious. I am trying not to feel guilty but then I have all the thoughts crowding in. I am also starting to try and confront other things he has done (it's in my other thread) to try and tell myself I am not the only one at fault in this marriage and it's not all down to me not having a job.

Sorry you've had a tough weekend, hope you get some sleep tonight.

Thanks for the support. i am having to confront so many feelings that have been buried for years. At the counselling session I mentioned his infidelity(hr had a three some with 2 prostitutes but denies actually having sex with them) and his reply was "we all do things when we are immature" he was 40! But I hadn't forced myself to relive that time or so long so it was all just swept under the carpet. Do I have to let it go now it's been so long? Sorry rambling.

Oh Vintage, the financial stuff is just the tip of the iceberg isn't it ?

You don't have to do anything. Just because your dh did something a while ago it doesn't mean the time limit is up on you being able to feel upset about it. You get to decide, it's your life, your feelings.

Have you been burying lots of stuff about him to be able to carry on ?

Perhaps because you're allowing yourself to think the marriage will end, you can now deal with all the issues you've been pushing to the back of your mind.