Struggling to accept this is abuse...

[Vintagegirl1]

I have recently separated from dh (have another thread on here). Brief summary-I have never worked during our marriage. Have 3 dcs and he has a demanding job working 13 hours a day mon-Fri. Money has been a huge issue in our relationship. Dh earns what I think is a good wage £45k but we are in a large amount of debt. Dh has never allowed me access to his bank account. I get the cb for the dcs and in the past couple of years he also gave me £20 a week(cash)
I have been told by many people that what dh has done by not giving me access to family money is financial abuse. I have an appointment with Women's aid tomorrow but am struggling with going. In the interest of disclosure-about 3 years ago I finally had enough of dh denying me money and used his credit card (clothes for myself,dcs and some stuff for house-problem about £1500) I know this was really wrong but it was symptomatic of the problems in our marriage
Should I go to Women's aid or am I being daft and wasting their time?

I've worked it out right. Multiply that monthly amount and you get £33,566.76 p.a. take home pay, like you say.

it is a complete dump as dh refused point blank to ever fix/replace anything because"you don't have a job"

So not only does he financially abuse you in way more ways than in your OP, he compounds that by refusing any help so that you can financially support yourself & his family or allow you to retrain - then belittles & blames you for it & uses his parents to do so too - emotional abuse right there!

Apologies diet,I misread the figures. I would love to use my voluntary experience to get a job but having looked into this I need to get qualifications and as I cannot get grants/loans my dh would have to help with this and he won't. Ditto any admin jobs-I need certain skills and all the free couses are only for people on benefits.

He sounds thoroughly unpleasant. He might not have much left over after bills and mortgage etc. but to refuse to help with childcare so you can work is awful. He should be encouraging you to re-train or get a job if that's what you want to do.

Yes, spending 1.5k on his credit card was wrong, but so his treatment of you in the first place. His income is family money, not his to spend on whatever he fancies.

Please see his nasty behaviour for what it is - emotional and financial abuse

OP, could you get a job in a supermarket or something during school hours? I know it's not what you'd want to do but they're quite flexible with hours and it would mean you have your own source of income for the future. Or what about cleaning during school hours for some extra cash?

I know it's not ideal or the perfect solution but having your own income will be a massive help once you leave this bellend.

Do you feel that him only giving you and your children 3.09% of his salary for expenses beyond household bills is reasonable? Yes or no?

My over riding thought as an outsider is that he doesn't see you as an equal partner in the marriage or as a parent. He is equating worth and entitlement with how much money a person earns. If he cannot appreciate the "job" you have been doing for the last few years, then he's an arse.

Maybe you both manage money badly, maybe you could do with getting a job now to help pay off the debt, etc etc. But that's not really the issue is it? You're not in it together. He sees it as his money but apparently the debt and the situation is a joint problem ?

A good post from Sandy.

I would take any job if it meant he would stop using this as a stick to beat me with but honestly I have tried! I live in an area with a huge employment problem and trying to get a job, any job is horrendous. Plus with pretty much a blank cv realistically who is going to employ me?
Dh wants me to bring home £700 a month,could someone help me to work out how much I would have to earn to afford childcare Costs for 2 dc AND bring this home? (Eldest dc is 13 so probably could be left home alone a few hours)

No he does not gamble at all. He is adamant that our debts are just due to cost of living. Our house is not just cosmetics things that need doing-it's new kitchen,rewiring new windows, new doors,30 year old carpets etc.

You seem to be bending over backwards to find ways to excuse his unreasonable behaviour. And you have mentioned a lot of unreasonable behaviour already.

He has ran up a £25k debt, with very low outgoings on a £45k salary

He is smoke screening you, unless HE is spending large amounts of cash elsewhere, this is impossible

I would be demanding to know how exactly he has ran up this debt, thats if it even exists at all & isn't just another way to guilt you into submission - or better still, I would be digging out & going through all of his financial records, as sorry OP, this stinks

You are not the problem. He is.

He's managed to convince you that it's your fault. He's really done a number on you.

OP - if you are worried about how to get a job when you have no experience, why don't you do a college course in something that interests you - and take it from there? Once you have qualifications, the world is your oyster?

How did you manage to spend £1500 on a CC if he controls the finances? That part, I'm a little confused about?

No I know he is not lying about debt. He needs a car for work (big commute) and ours which we had only had for 4 years went kaput so loan to get a new one, then our boiler went kaput and loan to get a new one. We also used to get takeaways twice a week or go out to eat or waste money on crap.This is what I mean about us both being bad with money but dh refuses to accept he is.
He says that I act like a child and don't want to face the debt situation-true-but at the same time he still refuses to give me access to accounts? He said at the marriage counselling that the debts are £1000 a month.

Looby lou are you even bothering to read my posts? I cannot do college courses because I can't afford them and dh won't pay. I will not be able to get any free courses because of what dh earns. I spent the money online on the cc over a period of about 2 years so not a huge amount in one go which is why dh didn't notice,.

You can get a job, believe that you can, and having your own money will give you the confidence to tell him to FRO. Good luck x

I'm so sorry about that post from amybear, OP. Please ignore it.
Yes, your husband is absolutely financially abusing you.
I think it's too late for this tbh, but just it out of curiosity: have you ever had a proper, "cards on the table", pens and paper, calculators-and-budgets conversation about you getting a job? Where you say "ok DH, let's see how we can make this work"? One where you pick up the phone to his mum, while you are both sitting there, put her on speakerphone and made your husband confirm that she will look after your kids? That kind of thing?

Thank you Jeaux. In real life I come across as confident and not a complete sap but I went to pieces at marriage guidance when he was essentially doing a character assignation on me and couldn't defend myself.

No Dead good. My dh said at the counselling session I refuse to discuss debt but he has never asked me to or sat down together and gone through it properly. When I mention childcare he just ignores me. To be fair he has not mentioned his mum watching kids for last few years as he knows full well she won't. His parents are well off and have a nice lifestyle,golf and holidays and no way would they give that up to do childcare.

You don't have to defend yourself. You can listen to what he says but you don't have to take any of it in or respond to it if you believe he is being unreasonable. We have all had the confidence knocked out of us at some point, we have all made mistakes.....how you come back from this will be your true test. Think of it like this.....getting a job will give you more power, more freedom of choice, potentially a good social life and you will be setting the DC's a good example. I am sure you can find a role that allows you some flexibility for childcare. Plus.....I bet he will hate it....big moans about you not working but I am willing to bet that secretly he loves the control. Take it back. x

I haven't read all the replies, but wanted to give you a direct example. I'm not saying dh and I have it perfect, but this is what we do. Dh also earns around the £45k bracket, we have 3 DC and for the past 8 years I've been a sahm.
I have child benefit paid directly into my account, dh transfers around £300 a month into my account for food. I have access to our joint account (where dh's salary gets paid) but I don't often use it. If I ask him to transfer more money into my account, he will then ask why. I don't have a credit card, but if I ask for dh's he hands it over and then asks what I bought. He trusts me with our money, and he knows that if I'm asking for more its for good reason.
Your dh is definitely financially abusing you. I'm so sorry op

Ok, 1: you need to stop the joint therapy as it's not only unhelpful, but actually dangerous in an abusive relationship. Other posters could tell you more about why this is, if it's of interest to you. (Although I think you said it yourself "I went to pieces at marriage guidance when he was essentially doing a character assassination on me and I couldn't defend myself").

2: if you really want to put this issue to bed, you need to have that conversation. I suspect that part of you is reluctant to go back to work - and you have very good reasons for this (nobody in your impossible position would or could go back to work, just in case that wasn't clear). But you need to put that reluctance to one side and go in bouncing with enthusiasm like Tigger and say "I've decided to get a job in October! Let's figure out how we can make it happen! Can we have an hour to talk about it on [Sunday morning/Wednesday night/whenever you know he will be free]?" If he absents himself from the agreed time, you can keep pushing for that meeting, or at the very least refer to it next time he moans about you not working ([wide-eyed look] "but we haven't had my Back To Work house meeting yet, I can't go for interviews until we've done that, can I DH?")

Now: the meeting. Get it alllllll down on paper. Ask him how he's going to assist you getting back to work, or do he won't, what his alternative suggestion is. If you need training, the money has to come from somewhere, doesn't it DH? If the kids need looking after, someone will have to pay for it won't they DH? Keep putting it back on him to come up with solutions. And finally, when it becomes clear that you can't simply drop everything and magic up £700 a month, make your husband actually say the words "this isn't going to work". Or come up with an alternative.

Right now he has you, as I said, in an impossible position and he knows it. Stop hiding in the shadows and feeling guilty. Get it all out in the open. You have done nothing wrong. You need to stop feeling bad about the CC thing too. Absolutely stop allowing him to use this against you.

1. If you reeealllly want this to stop - which I would - leave him