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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is my dp cheating?

115 replies

imconfused · 31/01/2007 11:13

ive changed my name for this.

last night dp said he was going to pick his male friend up from stanstead airport. he left around 20.30 and came home around 2am

well i know i shouldnt have but i went through his phone about 20 minutes ago. ive found texts from a girl asking when they should meet and also asking him where he is. he wrote texts confirming that he had arrived at the carpark. these texts were written before he left the house last night and the first hour after he left.

i found another text saying something about enjoying the kiss. im so confused!

he's downstairs at the mo trying to sell his car i will ask when he comes in

OP posts:

lulabelle · 31/01/2007 20:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jenwa · 31/01/2007 20:17

Its odd having several phobes, its as if one is for this other woman maybe? The sim card issue, Sounds like a lie, sorry to be blunt but why would he have his friends sim card in his phone and not give it back and is his frined away and if so he would not have his sim card then!
Can you get the womans number? even if you call her and tell her you know (even if you dont really know much) she will worry and may say something (confess or explain situation).
i know it cant be nice and very hurtful for you but you need to know whats going on.

be strongxx

divastrop · 31/01/2007 20:31

i used to be obsessed with phones,i had 2 or 3 phones and at least 4 differnt sim cards.this was in the year after my marriage ended and i was being a complete tart and had 2 or 3 blokes on the go at once.

i still like mobile phones but i only have one now and one sim card as the only people i text are my mum and a couple of female friends.

(am now in a relationship btw)

please dont let im fob you off or try to twist things round so you end up thinking you're in the wrong.

tiredemma · 31/01/2007 20:32

in answer to your original post, Yes I think he is cheating.

Sorry, it all sounds a bit too dodgy to me.

nuttymum1 · 31/01/2007 21:20

hi imconfused hope your doing ok i think the best one was the text my ex sent a text "goodnight sweetheart xx" and when i asked him about it he said oh i send that to everyone including his mum and sister i think not! im in the se too where abouts are you?

maturer · 31/01/2007 23:35

Honey trust your instincts! bIt doesn't add up and the 2 phones thing friend using sim card in his......just not reality!
My dh of 20 years had an affair, completlely out of the blue great husband, dad etc- we have surrvived but after lots of pain and honesty in the end.
At the time he'd tell me anything to avoid the truth- he even believed it himself! I believed him at forst- why shouldn't I he'd never lied before, I trusted him but my instincts told me otherwise, that uneasy feeling- can't quite, don't want to put your finger on it and in the end my instincts were spot on ALL the way- even when he was rtying to convinve himself and me of the opposite I just Knew he wasn't telling the truth.
Believe me if he's innocent he'd be going out of his way to proove this to you and fully see why you have the thoughts you have- but men in an affair situation- even good men - cannot think straight they are living a fantasy and will lie throughtheir teeth when found out to protect themselves from reality (no one likes to admit they are a cheating b..s..d!)
Make him proove the innocence ring the woman, speak to the army friend- he's cheating on you without a doubt BUT you will try your best not to believe that as you love him and trust him-you don't want it to be true- listen to the little voice inside that won'y go away - it will be right!
As overdraft said- we are here you can get through this.

Megglevache · 31/01/2007 23:38

Message withdrawn

Original poster

imconfused · 01/02/2007 01:38

ok update

well i just remembered dp did not go out friday night, he went out saturday night. he was meant to go out with a friend of his that i know well and trust but his baby dd got taken into hospital so dp was here fast asleep whilst i watched the whole of ugly betty.

he said that his friend did come back from the army on annual leave as he goes back to iraq soon and he took dps phone so hence the text remaining in phone. he gave the phone back before he left to go back germany last saturday (27th)to get his car back and leave it with dp before he goes to iraq.

well his wife(separated) has become very suicidal after he left her and he is trying to fix things between them as he doesnt want her to do anything silly so hence all the text (theyre reconciling) dp knows them both and is trying to help them and he did give her a lift to airport.

i truely do believe him, but he is in the wrong for not explaining things properly to me, this is the problem in our relationship, i like to share all my problems and my friends problems with him but he wont share his friends problems with me, i dont mind this but when it comes to our relationship, i would like a brief outline of what is happening so that i dont have to bloody worry.

thankyou all for your kind words and advice,it really helped xx

OP posts:

1sue1 · 01/02/2007 08:02

I am sorry and don't want to confuse you further, but how did he explain this :

' hi nat thanks for your tex. i really enjoyed last night and that kiss seems to have some kind of effect on me. i just cant think straight.'

mylittlestar · 01/02/2007 08:54

1sue1 I agree.
I'm sorry imconfused, but somehow it just all doesn't seem to add up?
You said you were awake friday night giving the baby a dreamfeed so you knew he wasn't in and you both had work the next morning? Surely you wouldn't get that wrong - assuming you don't work sundays?

And how does he explain the kiss comment?

Also - when you first confronted him he said his friend's wife was following him to the airport.

But in your last post you said he gave her a lift and you believe him??

I'm sorry - I'm just so worried for you and I can't get my head round it all.

Can you speak to this friend while he's home? Just to put your mind at rest?

FatFikAndFugly · 01/02/2007 09:24

Is his friends wife called 'Nat' then? I'd phone the number, you have iot from the phone and it'll put your mind at rest

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 01/02/2007 09:38

don't believe a word of it sorry.

first she was following him, then he was giving her a lift, then he had the sim, then he had the phone,...

to be a good lier you have to have a good memory, and he's not doing a very good job IMO.

Is the wife called Nat? and what about the kiss?

harpsichordcarrier · 01/02/2007 09:46

sorry IC I am not convinced either
"he wrote texts confirming that he had arrived at the carpark."
why is he meeting her at a car park if he is giving her a lift? why is he there at all if they are reconciling? why did it take him five and a half hours to get to and from Stansted?
not a very convincing story. If you want to sweep it under the carpet, then that's one thing. but if he has got away with it this time, he will do it again.
sorry to be so harsh. if you want this sorted, then you need to have all of this explained to you properly. he isn't treating you with respect or even courtesy

Socci · 01/02/2007 09:58

Message withdrawn

isolde76 · 01/02/2007 10:07

I agree with everyone else. I think you are in denial. I did the same. I found out my ex had a secret email address, hacked into it, and found messages in there from the girl he was having the affair with. I emailed her, asking why she was emailing my husband, and then the next day I got an angry call from my husband. He made up a big story about how she was a work colleague, that email address was used for work alone and she went to her boss who in turn went to his boss and got him into masses of trouble. So I swept it under the carpet until I found the texts and then it hit me.

Keep delving, it is not acceptable that he is like this and is also secretive. I don't believe a word of what he is saying. He had time to concoct that story and concoct he did.

Original poster

imconfused · 01/02/2007 10:14

i work weekends, the kissing text was referring to friday night, dp went out saturday night. my mistake that he went out friday night. i go bed around 1-2am everynight so gets a bit confusing. i give ds dreamfeed around that time everynight.

i just called the number. i dont know if i wrote it down wrong, the girl said her name isnt nat, she has no idea what im going on about??

this is getting too much for my head, i dont know what to think anymore.

OP posts:

Socci · 01/02/2007 10:16

Message withdrawn

hollyj · 01/02/2007 10:41

IC, even if he didn't go out on Friday night, that still doesn't explain the text, does it? I know it is hard but it really doesn't add up. If it were all innocent, there would be an easy explanation that would make you think, ohhh I see, and instead you're even more confused.

Please don't let him get away with this.

mylittlestar · 01/02/2007 10:50

He's confusing you on purpose so that you think it's all in your head.
Please don't let him get away with this.

Calmly go back through this thread, collect your thoughts, look objectively at all of the evidence, and ask yourself - if someone else was telling you all of this, what would you advise them?

Only you know your partner. Only you can make your decisions based on everything you've seen and heard. But don't give yourself a hard time - just try to step back from it all and collect your thoughts. I'm so sorry for you. I know you're upset and hurt and confused. Stay strong xx

mylittlestar · 01/02/2007 10:52

Can you speak to his friend seeing as he's home at the moment? (Even just briefly to put your mind at rest.)

And is his friend's partner called Nat?

They seem to be they key points to back up DP's story.

catsmother · 01/02/2007 11:30

I'm sorry but I too smell a huge great rat. There seem to be a lot of inconsistencies in what you've been told .... some of which like the wife following v wife getting a lift are direct contradictions.

You also mentioned that he's been coming back late a lot recently despite having to get up early the next day. Presumably this is out of the ordinary otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned it. Has he explained this ?

As the others have said, for your own peace of mind you need to find out whether or not this friend is actually home from Germany and, is his wife called Nat ?

I'm afraid as well that the girl on the end of that number doesn't prove anything either way now. If something's going on she will have been warned.

In fact, I'm thoroughly confused too ...... you originally said that his army friend (the one who is supposed to have borrowed DP's phone) went back 3 weeks ago. Then you said that DP went to collect him from the airport on the 30th. But then later you say that he went back to Germany on Saturday 27th. So ...... this friend goes to Germany at beginning of January, comes back to the UK at some point so he can then go back again on the 27th, and then, he comes back to the UK again just 3 days later !

Which all seems very odd given the way army leave usually works.

Sorry ...... I am really not trying to have a go at you. But I assume that DP has told you about these various dates - which just don't add up. I think he's using this friend as cover personally .... to cover his tracks on Tuesday night when he was supposed to be going to the airport, and to cover the stuff on his phone. My gut instinct is that you're being played for a fool unfortunately and that makes me so angry, because I remember how I felt when the same was done to me, and you really don't know what to believe and, there were moments even, when I ended up feeling guilty for having doubts and suspicions at all ...... which, as it turned out, were completely justified.

overdraft · 01/02/2007 12:32

My dh came clean when he was found out. Two weeks earlier i asked him but had no proof. I felt horrible to be thinking such a thing ( he sat and held me while I cryed about it and we made love). When he was found out and he came clean i was in such shock. T.B.H if he hadn't I think I would have made excuses and perhaps belived his lies not because I am a fool or stupid , but because I loved and belived in him. Very sad.

nuttymum1 · 01/02/2007 12:36

i agree i too smell a rat something is just not right my ex would lie through his back teeth to me even when the girl he was cheating with admitted it to me and i told him he still lied to me! sit down re-read your posts and have a long hard think write down all the questions you want answers to get a babysitter if you can and have it out with him and if he starts getting really defensive and shouts chances are hes a liar hope your ok {{{{{{{{{HUTS}}}}}}} to you xx

nuttymum1 · 01/02/2007 12:37

sorry HUGS not HUTS!!!

maycontainstress · 01/02/2007 12:39

If the 26th is the day of the 'kiss' text then he would have been with whoever on the 25th which was a Thursday, was he with you or not?

Whoever answered the phone has been prewarned.

I know you don't want it to be the case because you love your man but they are fantastic at making you think you're getting confused.

Take your time, take stock and be strong.

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